“All your children shall be taught by the Lord, and great shall be the peace of your children.” Isaiah 54:13 NIV

“The most sophisticated people I know – inside they are all children.” ― Jim Henson, creator of the Muppets

Do you still chuckle at silly jokes?

Like to draw?

Play with animals?

Love stories?

Camping?

Noah’s Ark?

Popcorn and movies? I love the drive-in movies from so long ago.

Me too! No matter your physical age, there’s a child inside. Here’s the tough part: You talk to your inner child like your parents and significant others talked to you.

You’re stupid!

How could you?

Why did you?

If everyone jumped off the bridge, would you?

Again?

Get busy or else!

Because I said so, that’s why.

The above are the easy ones.

Time for a reboot.

Think hard. Do you talk to your children that way? Other children? Other people, for that matter?

It’ll take you 90 days of practice to say good things to your inner kiddo consistently. Way more if your home life was dramatic, traumatic, dysfunctional or filled with addictions.

You’re the parent now and…

Not everyone starts at the same place.

No fair! We yelled at our parents or someone when an injustice was perceived. One of the first painful lessons as a child was life isn’t fair. “Eat your vegetables. Don’t you know that kids in (some third world country) would love to eat carrots?”

You’ve heard the phrase, “I may not seem like much but you should’ve seen where I started.” There’s a boatload of truth in that phrase.

Some of us came from loving homes where faith, approval, acceptance and love were consistent. Not perfect but consistent. But I bet it’s not that many. Those that had the blessing of a loving family may struggle accepting those “in the hole,” as it were.

Those of us starting in the hole envy those “normal” people. Envy and self-rejection are constant. Self-esteem? What’s that?

Hope: The Father through Jesus is your parent now. Talk to your inner kiddo as you would your children or others. Praise your inner kid. Your inner kiddo does some terrific things—look. Make a list. Put your arms around yourself. Snuggle up with your favorite blanket and watch an inspiring children’s movie. Eat a fresh baked cookie. Talk to your Father as an innocent child.

Yes, even your inner kiddo will throw a tantrum now and then because they don’t trust you. You let people hurt your inner kiddo and it may not have truly been your fault.You made some very unwise choices, no doubt. Apologize and make amends. Let the Father show the way. Look up children online or in your Bible and take in how loved and valued they are. You are. You are a child of God. Start talking to yourself as a tender, innocent and open child with arms raised for heavenly love.

Musings

Is it true?

Is it helpful?

Is it kind?

This is what I use with prayer and support. Your inner kiddo will flourish!

Prayer

Dear Father,

Your love is immeasurable! Little kids look at the sky, oceans, dinosaurs, twinkle lights and heroes with such great reverence, openness and love. Innocent like your son. We are your children. Please companion us today and show us what a wonderful treasure we are to you and you to us.

Amen.

“Come now, let us reason together,” says the LORD. “Though your sins are like scarlet, they will be as white as snow; though they are as red as crimson, they will become like wool.” Isaiah 1:19 Berean Bible

“When you find your path, you must not be afraid. You need to have sufficient courage to make mistakes. Disappointment, defeat, and despair are the tools God uses to show us the way.”
― Paulo Coelho

Children’s Magical Thinking

Close your eyes, hide under the covers and the monster is gone!

Rub the lamp and a magic genie will give you everything you want!

Santa knows who’s been bad and who’s been good.

Wish upon a star!

If I just had a magic wand! I did. I bought it at the county fair and it melted in the hot car.

Adult Magical Thinking

I can love this person into change – No. No you can’t. That’s God’s job.

I’ll have just one more (fill in the blank) then I’m done. From one more drink to one more potato chip…

My problems will be gone if I (fill in the blank). I tried denying. Not recommended.

We’ll live happily ever after. Even the best Christian couples may not.

If I work harder. Yes. Work harder. Avoid your family, hurt your health and lose your temper from exhaustion.

If I have more faith. So much for the mustard seed?

If I don’t enjoy this moment, tribute, windfall or whatever, pain won’t come. Putting off good to avoid future pain.

And all time myths

Peace means absence of conflict

Freedom means absence of conflict

Love means absence of conflict

Jesus had conflict all the time! And Jesus had peace, freedom and love.

I love my child. The curfew is 11:00 p.m. I love my spouse. Please pick up your dirty socks. You are free to come to work anytime you choose. I am free to find someone else to do the work.

I still do magical thinking at times. Earning love is one. Jesus definitely had no acceptance, belonging and love from his siblings, religious leaders or politicians. He had a tax collector and a zealot in his band of 12. Many tried to trap him. But He went out and healed, loved, encouraged and prayed. Many times his feelings, I’m guessing because he was fully human, never determined his actions. I think of his agony in the garden and he prayed for the cup to be removed. We all do sometimes.  All he did was an example for us. There were miracles to be sure, but there were still many difficult times. The people he healed and rose from the dead still died eventually. He came to show us something far greater. If we ask, seek and knock because we love him, we shall receive.

Musings

I admit, if I won the lottery fantasies, ability to cure cancer or dementia, or go to outer space are fun imaginations. As long as I’m on Earth, conflict comes. If the Son of Man had conflict, so will we. But he gave us a Helper, his word and each other and he always brings good from it. For His glory. And his glory is ours. He said everything I have is yours.

Prayer

Dear Father,

Oh how we grapple with boring times, difficult times, traumatic times praying for your will but our hearts aren’t in it. We make wishes, peek at superstitions and create stories to avoid the pain. That’s why you counseled us to worry only about today. You love us. You’re with us. You create something beautiful from our struggles.

Thank you.

Amen.

Blaming God

“Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.” James 1:17 NIV

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.” Matthew 7:7 NIV

“When life throws you a curve-ball, you will end up saying, ‘God, what are You doing to me?’ We end up blaming God, as opposed to allowing the goodness of God to navigate us through the situation. – Author: Chris Gore

Let’s be honest. When life has been at it’s most difficult, we blame God. It’s the hardest part of faithful trust in the One who cannot lie. You will wrestle Like Jacob. You will question like Job. You will deny like Peter.

Here are the top, trite sayings we use and they are false:.

1. Here’s one I’ve heard many times and deemed it gospel: “God never gives us more than we can handle.”  It was said to my beloved Grandma diagnosed with terminal cancer.I’ve heard this at funerals, to the terminally ill, to a worried parent, to a struggling addict. I beg to differ. God is our rescuer, especially when times are more than we can handle. There will be many times life will be more than we can handle. The Father deeply loves us. The Psalms are filled with how God rescues and loves. Paul in his letters talks about how God had rescued him from death several times. Peter was released from prison by an angel sent by God. Jesus died for us so we are no longer imprisoned. He rescued us. We couldn’t handle our sin. God certainly did not make us sin!

How could we trust a God that heaps trials and temptations upon us? There are many gods who are always angry, unrepentant and prejudiced. God never, ever is this. He is a merciful God. His mercies are new every morning. (Lamentations 3:22)

• The other axiom that I hate, really hate, is: “This happened for a reason.” Said to parents whose child has died, said to someone whose spouse just died, said to someone who’s become disabled or bankrupt. Really? I read how Jesus healed, fed, encouraged all, especially children. Who really does this? False prophets. False gods. They are not your friends.

These trite axioms are said by those who have not truly suffered, truly believe or are loaded with guilt and denial.  I know. In my ignorance, I’ve thrown those axioms out to others to assuage my guilt, ignorance and awkwardness—Then it happened to me. What a hard lesson!

• When my husband, parents, beloved friends, pets died, here comes: “They’re with God now.” Now that they’re with God, put on your happy, slappy face. That’s the fix.

That’s true. Very true. They’re with God. However, I’m here lonely, despairing and hopeless. Apparently, you’re telling me that’s what God wants! What a slap in the face! Dismissive! Uncaring! God doesn’t take and leave us! If even Jesus grieved his friend, Lazarus, don’t we know we will someday experience the same? How many beautiful psalms were written by David that were a tribute to his grieving? If Jesus was tempted, grieved, hungry, lonely, and he was, so will we be. Remember that we take up our cross and follow him daily. He is with us. Will not forsake us.

The top three lies of God is at fault. God is to blame. God’s doing this to you.

Musings

When I think of some of the things I’ve said to others in pain, I cringe. I’m hyper-aware of how my tongue of fire and lack of compassion hurts and destroys. God didn’t do it. People do it. A corrupt and narcissistic world inflames pain, dismissiveness and loneliness. When I was at my neediest, I needed a gentle presence. A witness to my pain. Hug of comfort.  An ear to vent my agony. Not preaching. Not trite quotes. Presence. And the assurance that He is with me.

Prayer

Father,

Thank you that you’re always with us. Thank you that your son took the blame for us, though Your Son was blameless.

 Please make us aware of those we need to make amends to, those that need presence, those that need hope, forgiveness for those that have hurt us and a gentle, listening ear. We all stumble with listening and bearing witness. You will transform us. You bring good out of evil for those who love you.

Redeem the pain of those who are suffering. Remind us that blame has never fixed anything. It does not save. It does not heal. You do.

Amen.

^“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7 NIV

“Anxiety does not empty tomorrow of its sorrows, but only empties today of its strength.” – Charles Spurgeon

The 2022 flu. I got it and I got it bad! It was the day before Christmas Eve and I was laid low with fever, chills, sore throat and tears. I wasn’t done wrapping presents, sending cards, checking on my elderly neighbor. I’m a Christmas lover. The lights. The music. The hope. The movies. The food. The warm wishes. And I slept, shivered and cried through it all. I’m still not hitting on all cylinders because of fatigue and a nagging cough.

My grandkids still don’t have wrapped presents from me. Everything is in a box waiting for the perfect ribbon and card. I let them down, I’m sure. Christmas day I woke up to a cup of cocoa, tree lights and back to bed. It’s been 10 days of illness and my house is in tatters. My scared and tired mind reminds me I’m older with an immune system unlike my youthful days.  My flu could turn into pneumonia if I don’t take care. And along comes catastrophizing and when ill, it really takes on a life of its own—people will think I forgot them. People will see my messy house. I look like death warmed over. Soup for Christmas dinner along with cough syrup and pain reliever. Whoopee!

Catastrophizing is focusing on me. There may be genuine concerns and if appropriate, steps to be taken.  Catastrophizing is living in a future where we forget who God is and who isn’t. Jesus cautioned us to live in today because tomorrow has enough worries. And Jesus will be there too.

But I’ve had many beautiful Christmases. The baby in the manger had no twinkling lights, music for a king, gender reveal party, no disposable diapers, overdone baby shower gifts or a cushy crib. He did have a vibrant star, dirty, smelly shepherds, angels and a teenage mom. No blaring trumpets or red carpet. Now there’s a catastrophic story! The world was never the same. Thank God.

Musings

Projecting, anxiety, catastrophizing happens to all of us because life is difficult. It really is. Many difficulties are caused by others and we are still called to overcome them. It was difficult for a helpless babe in a manger and it’s difficult for us too.  We share in his cross because we are his. Catastrophizing happens when we’re living in the past or future and forget who’s in today with thanksgiving. We forget we have passed from death to life.

Jesus said that worrying will not add one cubit to our lives and if we can’t do that simple thing, adding to our lives, we need to give it to our Father. We’ll take it back many times as we learn to trust. But we learn.

Prayer

Dear Father,

We are so thankful you never give up on us. In Matthew, Jesus had compassion on the crowd because they were weary and harassed like sheep without a shepherd. We are so thankful for your never-ending compassion.

Help us to live in today with you. It’s the only way to truly live. It’s the only way to truly love. With thanksgiving.

Amen.

Grief During the Holidays

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
    and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

 The righteous person may have many troubles,
    but the Lord delivers him from them all… Psalm 34:18-19 NIV

“Our joys will be greater, our love will be deeper, our life will be fuller because we shared your moment.” – Author Unknown

Holidays are such a great joy but they can also be a bottomless pit of despair when grieving. When my husband was in a care center with his Lewy body dementia, there were many who had no one. So, I shared holiday lights and chocolate along with my affectionate English Cocker (such a ham!) with the patients. I bought drinks for the all the staff during their holiday dinner. Then I went home and cried buckets into my pillow while my little dog gave me comforting licks. My husband was alive but no longer with me. But so many at the care home hugged me and said many comforting things to ease the burden. Not what I wanted but what was available. Jesus said from the cross, “Woman, here is your son. Son, behold your mother.”

Please be a light to someone grieving during the holidays. It doesn’t take much.

Here’s what may happen to the bereaved. The loneliness and pain during the holidays intensifies the grief:

Many become addicted to food, alcohol, drugs, spending, suicidal ideation and more. I believe addiction is a search for love, belonging, safety and acceptance—we all need and search for this. The grief stricken can’t feel this—not for a time. I see this so vividly in the elderly and parents who have lost a child.

A caring person does not judge but checks in with the bereaved because loneliness is such a hellish part of grief—empty bed-no mealtime banter-songs that rip the heart out—holidays are the worst! My first Christmas after my husband died was bleak, empty and tear-filled. I couldn’t wait for Christmas to end! Sometimes faith is shattered. This is not the time to Bible thump. Your private prayer will work wonders. A hug and a little presence will too.

A caring person builds trust and is safe for the grieving person to unload their tremendous burden. Rational thinking may not be there for some time. It’s another part of the grieving process. They will question everything they did or did not do, as if they could’ve prevented the death. Just reassure.

A caring person may take them to lunch, a movie or bring a homemade meal. Shovel the walk. Walk their dog. Tell them a story about their deceased loved one. They matter. They need to find purpose.

A caring person will not take outbursts of anger personally. A time out is okay. Anger is part of the grieving process and part of healing, especially in the beginning.

A caring person will check in with a grief counselor, hospice, pastor or someone qualified, should the grief be destroying the grief stricken. They may be suffering from Complicated Grief or trauma. Listen to the experts and do what they advise.

If your gut tells you they need emergency help, call 911 or a suicide hotline. I’d rather look foolish and bear their anger than lose them.

It’s not easy. If it were, we’d all be a caring person.

Musings

The golden rule applies. Think: Is it kind? Is it helpful? Then do it.  If the bereaved doesn’t know what they need or want, just say, “I’m going to do such-and-such. Is that okay with you?” You don’t know. You could save a life. You could save their faith. You could validate the most important thing: they are loved. They are valued. They matter. We are to weep with those who weep. Someday, we too, will weep and in the future the Father will wipe every tear from our eyes.

Prayer

Jesus prayed before his crucifixion:

“My prayer is not for them alone [his disciples]. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one— I in them and you in me—so that they may be brought to complete unity. Then the world will know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me. Father, I want those you have given me to be with me where I am, and to see my glory, the glory you have given me because you loved me before the creation of the world. Righteous Father, though the world does not know you, I know you, and they know that you have sent me. I have made you known to them and will continue to make you known in order that the love you have for me may be in them and that I myself may be in them.” (John 17:20-26)

Amen.

“Do not let any unwholesome word go forth out of your mouth, but only good, for edification of the need, so that it may give grace to those hearing.” Ephesians 4:29 Berean Standard Bible

 “At your absolute best, you still won’t be good enough for the wrong person.” — Unknown

Perfection. It’s not possible for you or for me. This is when striving, willpower and all sorts of gymnastics drive us, especially during the holidays. Drives us to frustration, meltdowns or to a heavenly discussion with our Father.

And it cuts both ways. Others can’t do perfection. Only one man in all of history was perfect. We know what happened to him.

Someone once said, “I may not seem like much, but you should’ve seen where I started.” There’s so much truth in this.

My mom was a controlling, anxiety-driven and sometimes cruel person who was 20-years-old when I was born. It took me years to realize why. I was an independent, dramatic, obsessive and compulsive adolescent.  Left home twice. Both of us were doing the best we could and it was horrible!

My mother was just a little vulnerable girl and very poor during the Great Depression. I grew up during the Free Love, Viet Nam War era. Neither one of us could relate to each other and some counseling was in order. Mom would not go. I did. I learned so much about my mom and her anxiety which, being a child, I internalized. I learned what a drama queen I was and still can be (sigh). Eventually, I let go of what I internalized: a bad person, a bad child, no good. My mom was wrong. It had very little to do with me. But, because I was a child, I carried that baggage for years! My mom carried hers.

Then forgiveness. You’ve heard the expression, “There but for the grace of God go I.” If I had been born in the same situation, I could’ve been my mom. Yes, it hurt. Yes, it took a long, long time for healing. I began to feel some pity for my mom’s life—some painful results were the result of her own choices, as were mine. “That was a hurtful thing you said. Please don’t or I will leave,” I said shakily. Leaving the past in the past is no quick and easy venture.

Myth: Boundaries won’t be painful or scary. Yes, they are painful and scary but “walking on eggshells” is no cake-walk either. We don’t set boundaries alone. We have our Father. We have others to help us. We don’t scream, cry, beg or manipulate. Nix the dramatics. We just state, unemotionally, what’s acceptable and what’s not. The best we are able.

Myth: Boundaries mean all will be well. No. Many times we lose that person in our life. It can be freeing after some grieving and reflection and recognition of patterns—but we continue to live in the light of our Father’s love and others who live in the Father’s love.

Myth: We only have to set them once. Once again, nope. Depending on the situation, the person and the willingness you have to keep this person in your life, you will set boundaries over and over. Also, other people with similar personalities and baggage appear and you have the wonderful task of setting boundaries again. Count on it! Patterns.

Musings

This side of heaven, we will never be perfect. We will never perfectly handle situations or people. We get better. Others will never be perfect. They get better. We all are at different places and came from different backgrounds. Some of us started life in the hole. Some of us had a loving foundation. The great equalizer: We are all doing the best we can with grace.

Is it true? Is it helpful? Is it kind?  These questions can be a helpful guide for you and communicating with others in your lives.

Prayer

Dear Father,

Is it true? Is it helpful? Is it kind? Your Son modeled all of this for our sakes. On the cross he said, “Father, forgive them for they do not know what they’re doing.” Unconscious. Unaware. So much of the evil in this world would be gone if we loved like you. We only have to practice this today, which is challenging, but your grace keeps us on your path. Thank you.

Amen.