The Greatest Skill

“Dear friends, let us continue to love one another, for love comes from God. Anyone who loves is a child of God and knows God.” 1 John 4:7 NLT

“There is no perfect, instantaneous compatibility. Relationships are a skill.

Small, constant things have more impact than acts that are more cinematic.

Showing appreciation builds. Criticism destroys.

Attention builds. Turning away destroys.

Taking responsibility builds. Blame destroys.” –Dushka Zapata, Author

Relationships: The greatest skill. Doctors, salespersons, teachers, construction workers, waitresses, parents, counselors and thousands of other occupations require relationship skills. Ronald Reagan was called the Great Communicator. Dale Carnegie taught millions how to make friends and influence people. Almost all successful people, even Bill Clinton, famous for saying, “I feel your pain” despite his many failings, could persuade people by his statement. Of course, Jesus preached to millions without a book launch, podcast or college degree. The greatest skill? Relationships. “Love does not seek its own…” We will always be lacking but improving with self-awareness, grace and forgiveness.

Or Force. Since the beginning, all the destruction and misery of the world has been sold as “for the people’s good” or any numerous deceitful causes disguised as good. Our Father never, ever forces. Even the good old USA had its horrific and disgraceful history of force: slavery and the internment camps for American Japanese during WWII. Hopefully, we’ve learned.

Discipline. We parents, hopefully, discipline our children with love. That doesn’t mean they are off the hook but with the correct attention, correction, listening and responsibility, they grow too. We want respect but not fear from our children. Respect is essential even for our pets. If we’re demanding respect, we’ve already lost it. And it’s the daily, consistent actions and attention that develop good and healthy relationships.

And it’s a skill. There’s no doubt, the most difficult and most rewarding skill is relationship building. Jesus was the greatest communicator of all time and he wasn’t a so-called “professional.” He showed us the way.

Musings

Most of our problems are with relationships. We struggle with our relationship with others, God and even our relationship with ourselves. But our Father always answers prayers of wisdom, love and care.

Prayer

Dear Father,

Teach us to build strong, loving and faithful relationships today. Your Son showed us how even in storms, persecutions, shaming, trauma and under the greatest agony. Help us to do the same no matter the circumstances.

Amen.

Good People

“As it is written

‘None is righteous, no, not one;

no one understands;

no one seeks for God.

All have turned aside; together they have become worthless;

No one does good,

Not even one ‘.” Romans 3:10-12 ESV

“All you have to do is take a close look at yourself and you will understand everyone else.” Isaac Asimov

I’m old enough to remember the television show, Dallas. When J.R. was asked how he could be so cruel, he answered with a tip of his hat and a sneer, “Once you get rid of the conscience, the rest is a piece of cake.” We can sear our conscience.

This is why no one is good: Only God is good. We have a conscience but… “Why do you call me good?” Jesus answered. “No one is good—except God alone.”(Luke 18:19 NIV) Proof Jesus is God.

This is why we stumble over each other, judge each other, gossip, ignore and take each other for granted. This is why we pick people that aren’t good for us. We aren’t good! Most of the pain I’ve caused others is because I did not take a close look at myself and projected my faults onto others. So-and-so sure talks too much! Really? Do I? How can they be so oblivious to their appearance? Really? Am I over-involved in my looks?

Self-compassion without self-awareness is narcissistic.

But because Christ died for us, we are transformed into His likeness. What is he like? Of course, the Gospels show Him and the works He did. He listened and he listened carefully. He healed inside and out. He fed many with thanks. He uplifted. He prayed for all. He forgave all. The more we rely on Him and do some work, the more we are promised the fruit of the spirit: Love, joy, peace, patience, gentleness, kindness and self-control. Wouldn’t it be something to project the fruit of the spirit instead of our weaknesses? We can.

Musings

“Every encounter is a holy encounter” I read. What a responsibility! What a purpose! A divine purpose. From the clerk at the grocery store checkout to (gulp) a local politician, all the encounters are holy. Online? Yep–Holy. Doctor’s office? Holy. Even the customer service rep who is putting you through voicemail purgatory.  All of Jesus’ encounters were holy. Like the trite saying, “What would Jesus do?” is to picture Jesus standing beside us during these encounters. Think of the possibilities! For ourselves and others.

Prayer

Dear Father,

We don’t truly recognize how holy our daily encounters are. Jesus did. From the cripple waiting by the pool for healing to the woman caught in adultery, He had encountered many. Even bystanders who recognized this holiness changed too. We forget when caught in the busyness of the day and our tedious self-absorption, all the heavenly and holy encounters that are right in front of us. Help us to be more aware with thanks for the opportunities to do good works. Sometimes it’s a cup of cold water only or a silent prayer but what a privilege to participate in Your Good.

Thank you for our encounters with you every minute and every day at any time and any place.

Amen.

Which Comes First? Failure or Success?

“The Lord upholds all who fall; and lifts up all who are bowed down.” Psalm 145:15 NIV

“Every trial is a teacher. Every storm is a school. Every experience is an education. Every difficulty is for your development.” Rick Warren, The 6 Phases God Uses to Grow Your Faith

When we fail, we can become a victim or a willing student. What stops us from learning?

Shame. Shame has been programmed into us since we were little kids. Most people who are in a recovery program will slip or possibly relapse. What stops them from trying again? Shame. Those critical images from the past and those inner voices who say, “I knew you couldn’t do it.” But the Lord upholds all who fall and helps weed out self-defeating voices and behaviors.

Doing what another thinks we should do and be. As little children, we learn approval-seeking behaviors. A parent or another authority figure may think we should pursue this person, career or religion. The risk of striking out may lead to failure and we cycle back to shame. My dad thought I should not marry my husband because I was too independent. True, I was independent and the marriage taught me many things like interdependence. Some of it was painful, but I’m grateful for the relationship. Grateful my husband became a Christian.

Fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of the known. Fear of circumstances outside of our control and most circumstances are. The Bible tells us 365 times to not fear. If honest, most things pass without a blip on our radar screen.

Then comes hopelessness. Why bother? I try and try but nothing changes. We’ll fail if we’re trying to change another, outside events or nature. If we try to change ourselves with humility, we have a Helper who will show us the way.

Jesus was a willing victim for our sake. For a few dark, scary and dismal days, it looked like Jesus had failed. No messiah was going to change the world. Peter went back to fishing. But we know the wonderful ending! We know the wonderful beginning! And He is with us always even to the end.

There are two types: Believers and non-believers. The non-believers have all the troubles we have but with entirely different solutions and, possibly, outcomes. Some Godly principles work such as reaping and sowing. Quitting a bad habit can be done by believers and non-believers who may have incredible willpower. But is there transformation? Our successes may surprise and delight us because it wasn’t what we were planning while the Father was working unseen to show us what is best for us.

Musings

We were failures before we entered the Kingdom of God.  With much grace, the Father upholds us and shows us genuine success. What does success look like for you?

Prayer

Dear Father,

Humility is never, ever going to be popular for Christians and non-Christians. But You promise to uphold and deliver us if we humble ourselves. So many religions require unapproachable, unachievable and debasing acts that must be recognized by a mercurial and judgmental god. You require faith in your Son with abundant grace. Your religion is the only religion with grace, deliverance, love and success.

With humility and thanks,

Amen.

Understanding is Not Change

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
    and he will make your paths straight.” Proverbs 3:5 NIV

“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.”—Rumi. 

I have bad eyesight. I understand why and what it takes to improve my eyesight. But, if I don’t make the changes or if I don’t believe in the changes I must make, my eyesight remains poor. Someone in the middle of the railroad track may understand they will get run over if they don’t move off the track. “I understand, I believe you!” they foolishly say, while they continue on their journey on the railroad track. What happens? They go right into the ground. They understood but without a step to the left or right…

People understand why they drink, eat, and work too much. They can tell you why and probably when something enticed them into this behavior, but without one positive step, they are stuck. We must let go and let Him show us how to make our paths straight.

Take a little step.

We understand that Jesus is “The Way, The Truth and The Life.”

We understand that Jesus is “The Only Way to the Father.”

We understand that Jesus is “The Bread of Life and Living Water.”

But without faith, we miss the mark. Faith is a verb and not just a noun. Understanding is a beginning or catalyst for change. James says he will show us his faith by his works. So something is required. We must move toward Christ. We must believe that all things are possible in Him, so we take a step. Then another step. Then another. Then we are changed or transformed through Him who prays for us. Another life-long journey of real change. Real transformation.

Musings

A woman I know has stopped drinking. She stopped three years ago. Did she do it the first time? The second? She says she’s sure it took 1000 starts before it stuck. When she gave up self-loathing and self-condemnation while submitting to Someone greater, it caught. She understood why she drank; she understood her self-loathing and self-condemnation were blocking her efforts. But someone Greater stepped in and made her path straight. It started with His love.

Prayer

Dear Father,

We thank you for Your knowledge, wisdom and understanding. Help us to take the steps we need to make us better, to overcome significant challenges and to live in joy and peace.

We thank you for Your Son who brings us to You and prays for us with confidence.

Amen.

Wandering in the Desert

Wandering in the Desert

“He found him in a desert land and in the howling waste of the wilderness; he encircled him, he cared for him, he kept him as the apple of his eye.” Deuteronomy 32:10 ESV

“The soul always knows what to do to heal itself. The challenge is to silence the mind.” Leanne Schulze

The Israelites wandered in the desert for 40 years! I’ve been tempted to think they were slow learners until I noticed my own 40 years (give or take) of wandering. There are many lessons I’ve learned but some of them didn’t “take” for a year or more. Is it the mind panicking? Is it the voice that says, “You’ll never make it?” Is it fear of the unknown or even worse, the known? Our minds can become a “howling waste of wilderness.”

And leads to destructive impulses. I have always struggled with a very impulsive nature. “I jump in where angels fear to tread.” Not counting the cost. No waiting with a prayer. No fellow counselors. And wham! I’m at the bottom of a hole and still digging.

Good old Magical Thinking.

Addictions may take a long time with wandering in and out and back and forth of true recovery.

Healing from trauma may take a long time with wandering into denial of the truth.

Grief may last a very long time. Wandering in isolation, perhaps, or thinking life will be the same as it was when the deceased was alive.

Family and career progress may take a long time. Wandering in the past and future with anxiety without today’s efforts, plans and persistence or we may give up too soon.

Paying off debt can seem endless. Rationalizations and excuses may cause wandering into more shopping for things we don’t really want for a jolt of “happiness” which fades with the bill.

Silence the mind. Know that the Father cares for you as the apple of His eye. Silence the doubts and fears and let the Father’s love into your heart with thankfulness for what we have today. The only way to silence the mind is to live now–today. The past is gone. The future isn’t here. But the good news is our Father forgave the past, He’s with you now, and He’s in your future.

Musings

Fears, stubbornness, lack of gratitude and lack of faith will always get in the way of our progress and the Father’s good plans for us. His plans are not to harm us but to prosper us and give us hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11.

Prayer

Dear Father,

Oh! How we wish we lived in a fairy tale where the prince kisses the princess, magic wands dispel problems in an instant and we’re fixed by wishing on a star. But that’s not how it is here on Earth where the Accuser rules.

But You care for us in this desert wasteland with love, protection and wisdom. The Accuser must leave us because You are with us. And with thanks, we continue to grow into Your vision, plan and glory.

Amen.

Intimacy or Insecurity

Insecurity or Intimacy?

“For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.” 2 Timothy 1:7

“Don’t let getting lonely make you reconnect with toxic people. You shouldn’t drink poison just because you’re thirsty.” Morgan Freeman

Truth: We cannot nor should we have intimacy with toxic people.

Truth: We have indulged in these toxic relationships because:

                They were our parents, spouses/partners, or other family members

                It’s familiar. Familiar can be comforting and toxic at the same time

                We truly believe that is what we deserve

                We haven’t learned to get out of our own way.

Here are some behaviors of toxic people:

Silent treatment—teaches you that you aren’t important and not worthy to be in a relationship with them—Jesus did not do this.

Multitasking—Not giving you full attention because their task or phone is more important. No matter how busy, Jesus gave full attention and asked, “What can I do for you?”

Spiteful gestures–Eye rolling, sarcasm, late to dinner or another appointment. Again, Jesus did not do this.

Making fun of your appearance, career, disability, financial status, and talents while claiming you’re too sensitive. Jesus did not do this.

Promising you something and reneging consistently. Jesus was always consistent.

Obviously, they are not loving behaviors and true intimacy is not possible. Time for intimacy lessons from our Father through His Word, prayer, fellow Christians and an empathetic witness such as a counselor, pastor, wise friend or professional. If you stumble or go back, remember it takes practice without self-loathing. Never stop taking chances to have the love and life you desire and the Father wants you to have.

Musings

Time for courage. Time to love and respect yourself. Time to quietly pursue a lovely life. Time to say no. Time to say yes to Your Father and yourself through the Holy Spirit. Risky? Maybe, but how has it been so far? Pray for the toxic person in your life but let’s get out of our own way and the right relationships will be ours.

Prayer

Dear Father,

When our relationship is right with you, we will be right with ourselves and others. Our decisions will be healthy and sound. Your Son makes this possible. He is the “Wonderful Counselor” we all desperately need. He makes intimacy and relationships not only possible but rewarding. Guide us and our loved ones today and every day with the reassurance we are loved.

With thanks.

Amen.

Christianity: Counterintuitive

“Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me.” Matthew 16:24 NIV

“The astonishing paradox of Christ’s teaching and of Christian experience is this: if we lose ourselves in following Christ, we actually find ourselves. True self-denial is self-discovery. To live for ourselves is insanity and suicide; to live for God and for man is wisdom and life indeed. We do not begin to find ourselves until we have become willing to lose ourselves in the service of Christ and of our fellows.” ― John R.W. Stott, Basic Christianity

Whoever loves their father and mother more than me is not worthy of me.

Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge.

Whoever loves their life will lose it.

Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.

Do not be overcome by evil but overcome evil with good.

Bless those who curse you. Bless and curse not.

Those who humble themselves will be exalted.

When I am weak then I am strong.

The above and more are found in the Bible. Looking at the list and more, Christianity is not a cakewalk. It is not appealing at all! But it’s the only way to genuinely love, starting with a clean slate through Jesus. Jesus loves us first so we can then begin to love. Does it take time? Yes. For the rest of our Earthly lives.

Our Father’s love transforms us into someone who has love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. (Galatians 5:22-23) These things can’t be bought, except with blood. We know whose blood paid the price.

It is counterintuitive for us to believe Someone died for us. A policeman may, a veteran may or a parent but their blood does not save us for eternity. May we remember just how precious we are even when we were hostile against Him.

Musings

A television show was interviewing a strong Christian about the difference between “nice” and “kind.” Nice is being polite, possibly manipulative or just observing certain traditions. Kind, on the other hand, is Truth with love. Truth that sets us free. Lots to think about. Counterintuitive. Jesus is the example.

Prayer

Dear Father,

Our lives are a lesson in loving and letting go. Encourage us to let go of Self and embrace You.  Remind us it’s the only way to have life and to have it abundantly as we go about our daily work, family time and especially our worship time.

Amen.

Contempt: Antidote is Kindness

“Whoever oppresses the poor shows contempt for their Maker,
    but whoever is kind to the needy honors God.” Proverbs 14:31 NIV

“Contempt is the weapon of the weak and a defense against one’s own despised and unwanted feelings.” – Alice Duer Miller.

We all have judged. We all have been judged. It’s elevating ourselves at someone’s expense and drips with contempt. Sarcasm is another sign of contempt. Someone with contempt always believes they are superior, smarter or better than the person they find contemptuous. I’m amazed at how much contempt is in the news with no answers and no kindness except blame with more contempt! People eat it up and the ratings prove this.

Do we have contempt for ourselves? If we have contempt for ourselves you can bet we have contempt for others. Time to check that nasty voice in our heads. That voice is self-loathing or contempt!  Let your Father show you a much better voice and focus. Again, the Psalms and the New Testament prove your unending value, like Light of the World, Salt of the Earth, You are worth more than birds…

We also have a tool—kindness. And it Honors the Father.  It costs nothing. Easy? Not always. We will have many times in our lives when we don’t feel kind and don’t want to be kind even to ourselves. That’s short-term thinking. But if we do it anyway, life becomes much more peaceful inside and out. And it honors the Father.

When I have a difficult person in my life, we all do, they are my lesson in kindness. I know what kindness means to me but what does it mean to a difficult person? I am not talking about a toxic or abusive person because, “As far as it depends on YOU, be at peace with everyone.”  But we are instructed to go another mile, give a cup of water, a compliment or an encouraging word. Little steps in kindness.

Musings

Judgment reeks with contempt. Envy is disguised as contempt. Even sarcasm has a stab of contempt. Loathing of any kind is contemptuous. In all of the New Testament, we are instructed to encourage one another and build each other up. We need to do this for ourselves too. Kindness honors the Father, the person we are kind to, and ourselves.

Prayer

Dear Father,

No matter what is in our lives and hearts we can always be kind. We may feel empty, sad, tired or hypocritical at times, but we’re not. It’s another Part of Your Wonderful Plan here and in Heaven. Kindness humbles us too because it’s not easy to do when we are scared, sad, envious or busy, but You’re there to help. It’s a simple act and blessing even a little child can learn. Thank you.

Amen.

Under Construction

“Give your complete attention to these matters. Throw yourself into your tasks so that everyone will see your progress. Keep a close watch on how you live and on your teaching. Stay true to what is right for the sake of your own salvation and the salvation of those who hear you.” 1 Timothy 4:15-16 NLT

“Healing doesn’t mean the damage never existed. It means the damage no longer controls our lives.” Akshay Dubey

Road construction! It’s everywhere this time of year because I live in a cold climate and winter is brutal on the highways and roads. And so annoying! Detours, potholes, lines of vehicles for miles, dusty, dirty, smelly asphalt with hot and grumpy road crew pointing where to drive next. And the child in the back seat is grumpy, thirsty and needs to go “potty.” Sigh…

We’re under construction too. Hopefully, not dusty, dirty or grumpy. There are no days off for us in the Kingdom. Even when resting we are to keep our minds on what’s above. Our Journey has lots of detours, pitfalls and potholes, delays and discouragements. This is what it takes to become more like the Son. Others are under construction too. We’re told in James that if we can control our tongue we are a “Perfect Person.” They’re as rare as unicorns, fairies or a tax refund! Or, a summer day without road construction.

That’s why we have each other. Sometimes we limp together, sometimes we cheer each other on, sometimes we pray together and sometimes we grieve together. We learn to love each other as the other needs. We learn perseverance. We learn endurance. We learn (here’s my all-time favorite) patience. We learn acceptance. We learn to depend on the Father, Son and Holy Spirit.

With Grace. Lots of it. The Bible reminds us that “He richly pours his grace on us.” And we need it!  Let’s remember when things get tough, we’re all Under Construction.

Musings

We need a sense of humor, along with grace when dealing with our potholes and detours. May we not take such aggravations and setbacks so seriously. Maybe, just maybe, they’re opportunities to reach our potential with kindness.

Prayer

Dear Father,

We pray for grace and patience but avoid situations that provide these. Thank you for giving us what we need and not necessarily what we want. We may not feel that way today but we have learned from You, Jesus and the Holy Spirit to “Enter by the Narrow Gate.”

Amen.

It is Good

It is Very Good

“And God looked upon all that He had made, and indeed, it was very good. And there was evening, and there was morning—the sixth day.” Genesis 1:31 Berean Standard Bible

“Well done is better than well said.” –Benjamin Franklin

We are created in the Image of God. We have thoughts, actions and creations that are very good, just like our Father. Have you ever stopped during the day and admired something you did? Your garden? Your children? Your charity? Your art?

We all are creative. We all are good at something. I know this because the Bible says we are his handiwork with specific work to do. Jesus was a mason/carpenter but that is not what we think of first.  I think of Barnabas doing work for the early Christian church. Not much was or is known about him except his nickname: the Encourager. If anyone really needed encouragement, it was the early Christians. Oh, how good!

It changes during our lifetimes. When we’re young, we’re making mistakes and deep into self-discovery. This could be in college or career, but the enthusiasm! The energy! Something motivating happens when we’re learning. From learning to walk, winning at sports or contests to the first prom, these experiences are good. It’s very good. Take a look at your ribbons or A+ Math test. Realize they’re good. The foundations and encouragement to take calculated risks.

When we’re in the middle-age, we’re at our prime. We’ve got a rhythm to our life even though it may be at supersonic speed. We overcome many challenges, mentor others and incorporate the lessons into a real, rich and full life. We have families and communities that grow and love. I know my son is very active in a group that helps the veterans. He and his group come up with creative ways to raise funds for the veterans as well as honor them.  The veterans don’t necessarily know what they do for a living or how many children they have but they know they have help and respect. It’s very good. His heart and the hearts of his group have grown. The compassion is genuine. This time of life is so good. We may not stop to realize just how good.

And the Golden Years. The retirement years may not be so golden, especially for those whose partners are chronically ill or have passed. When my husband was in full-time care, I observed the elderly as they shared a meal, a hand caress, or just a smile. It was so good. They would sing songs and play cards no matter their disabilities or loneliness. The local ranchers would bring miniature horses for the residents to enjoy. This is so very good. And those older, much older than my husband and me, sat with me and just offered their authentic compassion. It was good. Very good, though the situation was painful.

We need to stop and notice the good. The very good in us. The good we produce. With thanks for the talents, empathy and artistry our Father has given us.

Musings

Stop today and look at your well-cooked meal, your laughing children, your vegetable garden, your vintage car. These are good things that make life so pleasant. These are works that may not have a salary but add so much enjoyment to life for you and others. If you don’t know your unique talents, please pray and enlist a close friend to counsel you. You possess something very special and good.

Prayer

Dear Father,

We pause and thank You for making us in your likeness with good things to do and enjoy. We get so hurried and anxious in life and forget to stop, breathe, thank and enjoy the things we can do. And it’s good. Very good.

Amen.