“Yes,” Jesus replied, “and I assure you that everyone who has given up house or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or property, for my sake and for the Good News, will receive now in return a hundred times as many houses, brothers, sisters, mothers, children, and property—along with persecution. And in the world to come that person will have eternal life.” Mark 10:29-30 NLT

“There’s a saying that goes, ‘hurt people will hurt people.’ But I rarely hear the opposite, ‘Healed people heal people.’ Get healed. Then, go heal” – Unknown

No one has been healed perfectly. No one has loved or been loved perfectly. No one.

Mommy issues. Daddy issues. The deeper you go into your own childhood wounds the more you’ll see them. You’ll recognize them at work, church, the grocery store you frequent, the doctor’s office. People who haven’t left home. They and possibly you have moved clear across the country but you’ve never left home.

I had an employee with major passive-aggressive tendencies. Her father had committed suicide and her mother was an alcoholic. Not a well-rounded, loving and spiritual foundation by any stretch to build a full and loving life.

Who got the brunt of this? Why me, of course, her boss. Here’s the fun part–I was too easy on her. I did not confront her in a professional manner at first. Why? Because I had a very strict mother with a pretty damaging tongue. I never wanted to do to another what was done to me. So, I did nothing. Mommy issues. I own it. Blaming my mom accomplished nothing and kept me stuck.

Childhood wounds. Unconscious. Survival. They hurt so very much at a time we hadn’t the words or a trusted adult to confide in. So very destructive for everyone involved. Some never choose healing.

Luckily, I got more training and counsel. I learned that setting boundaries and being quite clear about the job performance and expectations are crucial for the company and life. This was for her sake as well as for mine and, of course, the company we worked for. The feelings were agonizing. After many warnings with documentation, I fired her. I cried buckets of tears because this young, single, head-of-household woman was so likable and down right funny! She had survival skills of a trooper. She decided to get counseling and worked hard at it. She is now a happily married woman to a Christian man. She has a career, loving family and lots and lots of friends. I’m one of them. When my old dog died, she was the first to comfort. When my husband died, she was the first to sit with me. She is one of my greatest treasures.

Musings

Healed people heal people. I like that so much better than hurting people hurt people.Jesus did say we’d receive some persecution, which may come from the very family we were born into. Jesus had a bit of trouble with some of his siblings. His brothers thought he was nuts! Jesus, their brother, thinks he’s God in the flesh!He healed people. Those people healed others. For over 2,000 years.

Prayer

Dear Father,

Thank you for our families, spiritual and physical. Some things are hard, but you heal them through your son and other Christian mentors. Help us to heal. Help us to heal others. The more we heal others, the more abundance we have here and eternally.

Amen

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.” Matthew 11:28-29 NIV (emphasis mine)

“Today, I will not wait for others to see and care; I will take responsibility for being aware of my pain and problems and caring about myself.” Melody Beattie

A lovely woman died today. She was pretty, charming, intelligent, warm, talented and had a young son starting adulthood.  She also could be dramatic, unpredictable, cruel and deceitful. She was 56 years. She died from liver failure. Alcohol. There but for the grace of God go I.

Or was it childhood trauma? Both?

I knew this woman because my son dated her for several years. It was a highly tumultuous relationship fraught with drama and never-ending pain.  The short-lived moments of bliss would pull my son back in. She powered through several jobs with a bottle of vodka close at hand. I loved this woman. My son loved this woman. She was more than her drinking. She was more than her trauma. She confided to me her childhood abuse at the hands of her mother and emotionally absent father. My son and I tried everything to get her help. No. My son finally ended the relationship to save himself and rode a tremendous learning curve. He financially set her up for six months to help her get on her feet.  Another chance at life. This was a big sacrifice for my son and there was guilt and heartache involved too. Messy. Painful. She married another. She died. I am so sad for her. I remember our Father loves her more than I and more than my son did.

How do we know if we’re powering through something or passively victimizing ourselves? We learn from Jesus. First, we seek him. We seek wise counsel that is gentle and humble at heart. We take responsibility. Powering through will not work and leaves us spent. Passively letting life happen to us means we won’t know who we are or our potential. Both behaviors victimize ourselves and others. Trauma happened to us. We didn’t cause it but we have to come to terms with it if we want a full life.

Musings

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.” This quote from Galatians is proof we’re on the right track. And it increases! It probably won’t be a straight line, it may not happen immediately (patience is in the verse), it probably will be very painful at first, but it happens.

Prayer

Dear Father,

We pray for this woman who is now in your care. We pray for others who may be in similar situations. We pray that you show how much you love them. We pray that you keep us in your loving grace. We pray to be a blessing for those struggling.

We thank you for your humble and gentle son, Jesus.

Amen

“Search me, God, and know my heart; Put me to the test and know my anxious thoughts…” Psalm 139:23 NASB

“Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I’ll try again tomorrow.”― Mary Anne Radmacher

The Enneagram (pronounced any-a-gram) test. I took it. It is not for the faint of heart because it definitely shows some hard stuff. Really hard. It shows the weaknesses and strengths of nine personality types. There are two books that I recommend, if you’re courageous, that are really helpful. They have a Christian foundation. You are More Than Your Number by Beth and Jeff McCord and The Enneagram of Discernment by Drew Moser, PHD. They will guide you through your type with the very important message of how beloved you are by the Father before any change is attempted.

I see myself and life as always lacking. Type 4w3. That’s me. I own it. My courage comes from being a beloved child of God. Without knowing how much I am loved by the Father, I will never peek into my heart. I don’t always feel beloved but I know I am.

Wounded child vs. beloved child. That’s the bottom line. Living life as beloved or wounded. Those that counsel with the Enneagram drive this home. I could never look inside and attempt positive change without knowing how loved I am by our Father. It takes courage to know and act in faith as beloved. David showed courage in the above verse.

The wounded stuff just happen—life in an imperfect world. Unconscious. Unaware. Childhood stuff. Life is too much! Life is one big scarcity! Life is one big disappointment. A courageous heart is required. With our Father’s help and the Holy Spirit, courageous change takes place. Sometimes just the right person, counselor, pastor, mature Christian keeps us going. Our Father provides so much support with one courageous step. Sometimes just showing up is all we can muster. Thanks okay. Your Father loves you.

Musings

To look deeply inside one’s heart is the most courageous thing one can do and it starts by knowing how much we are loved by the Father.  In the Bible it says, ““Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you!”

The old Hymn, Just as I am, is right! You are beloved. Just as you are.

Prayer

Dear Father,

Just as we are — unconditionally loved. Because of what Jesus did, we can go on in grace and hope. Please remind us of how beloved we are so we may attempt courageous change. You created us before the foundation of the world. You thought we were a good idea. We can change because you loved us first.

Amen.

“Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” James 1:2-4 ESV

“A true test of character isn’t how you are on your best days but how you act on your worst days.” Unknown

Talk about a real let down for me when I read the above. I am a horrible test-taker! Anxiety, images of past failures and throw in a touch of ADD and my stomach churns, hands shake and doom sets in. In God’s world, it is a pass or fail. I believe and receive Christ or I don’t. No make-up tests. No extra credit. No dog ate my homework. No three strikes rule.

However, once we believe, the real testing begins. Faith is tested to help us become more like Jesus. Whether knowingly or not, when we believe in Christ, the Enemy ravages us with everything he’s got. He’s really ticked! The Enemy may come in so many disguises including “Angel of Light,” that discourage us. It’s a test.

Driving home from work in a blizzard. Was I joyful? No. It was white knuckling, reciting the Lord’s Prayer and sometimes I prayed like Peter, “Lord, save me!” But I didn’t fail the test.

God says to test him too, which is mentioned only once in the Bible. “Bring all the tithes into the storehouse, that there may be food in My house, and try Me now in this,” Says the LORD of hosts, “If I will not open for you the windows of heaven and pour out for you such blessing That there will not be room enough to receive it.” Malachi 3:10

Musings

Count it all joy. We can because of what Christ and the Holy Spirit do for us. Even when we’ve succumbed to an addiction, cursed our Father—so many grave disappointments, we come back just a little bit better, a little more steadfast in our faith and trust. We pass the test.

Prayer

Dear Father,

Thank you that your son took the test for us with flying colors. No matter the challenges, joys and heartaches, with Jesus we pass the test here and in heaven later. No matter the outcomes here on Earth, we pass in heaven with joy. Help us to share this with others. Help us to live this truth. Help us to celebrate we are not failures.

Amen.

“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” Proverbs 4:23 NIV

“Christianity is not the destruction of desire, rather it’s realignment with God’s desire.” David G. Benner

Will power. Self-improvement. Workshops. Retreats. Memorizing scripture. If there’s anything to do to make me more like Jesus, I was up for it. Sometimes I’d be aware and working on what I needed to change and should change like not swearing at the news and something or someone says, “Love your neighbor.”  Ouch! That would definitely take care of the swearing!

Trying hard can become a trap of earning our Father’s love, which we can’t. He already loves us. It can become a trap of ego. It can keep us from being vulnerable and honest with our Father and others. These things can be good things if they flow from an open and loving heart. Want to instead of have to. Upward call instead of naval-gazing.

That’s where the Psalms come into my heart. The 23^rd Psalm is rich in relating and loving God. “He makes me lie down in green pastures.” “He leads me beside the still waters.” “He restores my soul.” “He prepares a table in the presence of my enemies.” Yes, we do have enemies. Who is doing the work?  Who has the open heart? This is a difficult thing to grasp and live fully. After all, he’s the creator of everything and we are the creatures. It’s we. We need to be open to our Father’s loving care and companionship. We go to him first because our Father is not a domineering parent. He is the one that loves us unconditionally and completely.

It’s willingness to experience our relationship with our Father. I have never, ever changed a bad habit, a frustrating behavior, taken a risk without failing—several times. So, I go to the Psalms, pour out my heart and let our Father touch it. Transformation takes place. Not all at once. Not always alone. Sometimes just the right person or book comes into my life. Sometimes it’s just the Father and me. I am so grateful for the Father’s love because good things flow and bad things are squeezed out.  My desires become aligned with the Father’s.

Musings

Not only did Jesus, God’s only son die for us, but he loves us, guides us, forgives us, teaches us and provides for us. If honest, it’s our Father that transforms us. No, he doesn’t change our personalities. He designed all of us as unique persons with unique talents. It would be boring if we were all the same! He helps and encourages the good things in our personalities. We are in this together. We are in this for the long haul.

Prayer

Dear Father,

Thank you that you want a relationship with us. A real relationship!  One that encourages us, teaches us, loves us and guides us. Like all relationships, there are dark times and good times, lonely times and celebratory times but all are for good. Thank you for your patience as we learn to know you better. May our desires align with yours.

Amen.

“And He looked up and saw the rich putting their gifts into the treasury, and He saw also a certain poor widow putting in two mites.So He said, “Truly I say to you that this poor widow has put in more than all; for all these out of their abundance have put in offering sfor God, but she out of her poverty put in all the livelihood that she had.” Luke 21:1-4

“Give what you have. To someone, it may be better than you dare to think.” ― Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Never thought it would happen to me. Widow. I am not in the straits the poor widow in the above verse was but money has flown out of my hands with my husband’s illness and death. My life will never be the same and the financial freedom is gone too. I remember a Christian/recovered alcoholic speaker, with a lump in his throat and wet eyes, cautioned about money. He found the love of his life, they married, a short time later she was diagnosed with cancer and their money was gone. In a flash she was gone too. He never saved money again. He picked up what little he owned along with his shattered heart and started helping addicts. That’s the last I heard of him. But he still gave. He trusted God that “all things work to good for those who love him.” I believe our Father redeemed his pain now and eternally.

Jesus personified giving with gracefulness and trust. He had nothing and yet everything. He still gives from his abundant treasure. His mercies are new every morning.

He gave from the heart. These are tough times for so many of us but realize you have so much to give! It may be welcoming arms, an attentive ear, an encouraging word or time. Priceless! The fullness we receive is priceless too!  Cast your bread. Treasure in heaven.

Musings

When cash is flush, life is smooth and sunshine is everywhere, it’s easy to be generous. In fact, that’s the time I’m most thankful and giving. It’s easy to give from abundance. When dark and lean times come, the fanatical clutching of money, things and property is an overwhelming temptation. We lose sleep, anxiety is constant and control rears it’s ugly head.  Our tempers lash out. We forget there are many ways to give. We forget that our Father is a generous Father. “We can trust the man who died for us.”

Prayer

Dear Father,

Thank you that you’ve given us your son. Thank you that he became poor so we could be rich. Thank you that he died so we could live. Thank you for our daily bread. Thank you for our families, friends and courageous leaders. Thank you that you are faithful, even when we can only scrape up a mustard seed of faith. Open our eyes and hearts to see how generous you are and with the faith that sees the more we give, the more we receive—“Pressed down and flowing over.”

Amen.

“Lord, if you kept a record of our sins,
    who, O Lord, could ever survive?
But you offer forgiveness,
    that we might learn to fear you.”  Psalm 130:3-4 NLT

“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” Lewis B. Smedes

Forgiveness does not mean reconciliation. It may but not always.

Forgiveness does not mean it’s done once and for all. It may but not always.

Forgiveness does not feel good. It may but it leads to peace.

Forgiveness does not mean you were right. It may but not always.

Forgiveness does not dismiss, belittle, condescend your hurt. It hurt! That’s a fact! And we may think we put it behind us and wham! Something triggers us right back to where we were with all the pain and confusion we thought we left behind.

Many years ago I fell in love with a handsome, intelligent, dynamic man. He called himself a Christian. Many women were starstruck by him. I was not. In the beginning any way. We dated. We had wonderful conversations and little gifts—all the things that make a new romantic relationship heavenly. Walking on air and sunshine! Six months in the abuse began. The belittling, the abandonment, the intimidation. I broke up with him—many times because maybe, just maybe, if I love him enough… But I participated in an unknown dance of terror. Last breakup. Then the stalking. I moved from my hometown and started over, with my son, I might add. My roommate was a male because I feared being alone. A few in my new church were lovely. No judgment. Included my son and me in many Church functions. In fact, I put him in the Christian school, which he enjoyed.

However, I was an anxious, traumatized mess. I was functioning quite well but I would jump at loud noise, refuse to go anywhere alone. Finally, I went to a therapist. With lots of work and prayer, healing began because (surprise!) I attracted and kept this man because of patterns in my childhood. A pattern I hoped to fulfill with love. So unaware! Childhood stuff!

I had to forgive myself first. I made horrible decisions in my personal life because I was unaware. But taking myself to our Father, a professional and supportive church friends along with time, the healing began. Have I forgiven this man? Yes. Was there reconciliation? No! Did I find forgiveness for my childhood traumas? Yes. Was there reconciliation? Not really. There were phone calls and limited visits with some tension. I learned my limits. I learned to set boundaries. The dance of terror was ended. Did I forgive once and for all? No. Situations always come up in life to trigger those dark times. But they’re a blessing in disguise, a caution sign. I walk away.

Musings

Knowing, deeply knowing how loved we are by our Father, deeply knowing Jesus and his sacrifice, deeply knowing a mature Christian counselor and/or friend makes all the difference in forgiveness. It’s another discovery process along the journey home. And the truth does set us free if we face the misery first.

Prayer

Dear Father,

Thank you for forgiveness, especially the things “we do not know what we’re doing.” Help us to see that because of your Son, love and grace we can face the dark and unknown with hope. Open our hearts. Open our minds. Open our hands.

Amen.

“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.”1 John 4:18

“There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear: because fear has torment. He that fears is not made perfect in love.”

Fear: False Evidence Appearing Real.”— Unknown

I included two versions of 1 John 4:18 because fear is torment! Fear is also punishment! Our Father never gives us a spirit of fear or torment.

Remember as a child those beginning moments of learning to swim, ride a bike, ski, skate, drive a car and someone in our lives coached us, stayed with us holding us up? It could’ve been a parent, relative or friend but someone had your back. Someone caught you. Someone upheld you. But you still had to do the work and step out in trust.

That’s how I think of our Father.

Those sleepless nights, those anxious prayers, those glasses of wine or another activity to numb the fear. It’s torment! And then we put on our big girl/big boy panties and bluster through until exhaustion knocks us off our feet. We forget that feelings are not facts.

Our Father has our back. He upholds us with his righteous hand.

So we do the best that we can with prayer and we give it to our father. We may anxiously take back what is scaring us, paralyzing us but we give it back to our Father. We let go and we let our Father take the wheel. Let him drive and you enjoy the journey. Someone once said, “Who’s driving your bus?” Our Father is. Enjoy the discovery of who you are with your Father.

Musings

Only one person loves perfectly and it drives out fear.  We learn over and over that feelings are not facts. Where we are is where our Father is too because he promised he would never leave us or forsake us.

Prayer

Dear Father,

We may not feel your presence, acknowledge your presence or thank you for your presence sometimes but we know you’re with us. Thank you for your love that drives out fear. Help us to know without a doubt that you are with us in the fiery trials, the rivers that threaten to overwhelm us or any circumstance that threatens. It’s easy to remember you and thank you when life is all sunshine, and we do, but now we thank you for your presence when fear strikes us, slaps us, intimidates us because you’re with us then too. A steppingstone to trust and faith.

Amen.

“The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18 NIV

“A tender heart is a wakeful, watchful heart. It watches against sin in the soul, sin in the family, sin in the calling, sin in spiritual duties and performances.” John Bunyan

“I’ve never met a strong person who had an easy past,” was said to me by a wise person.

The very sad thing is many of us have felt and been rejected by their own church family. Yes, many of us Black Sheep/Scapegoat types were rejected by our family but when our church family where love is to reign and we’re rejected, this can be so devastating.

A woman, who was a member of my church, was disabled and her hygiene was, let’s say, very bad. You could be three rows behind her and the smell was very nauseating. Am I exaggerating? No. And everyone in the church gossiped, judged and avoided this woman. The Harvest dinner was on display with so many scrumptious items on the table. All of us were having a bountiful feast with good feelings, thankfulness and humor. Then the woman with the bad hygiene rolled in. She filled her plate, sat down and began to eat. Everyone else took their plate elsewhere or went home. The silence was palpable, as they say. The smell filled the kitchen.

What would a tender heart do? I failed the test. I avoided, which is a subtle but just as damaging way of rejection. What would Jesus do? Well, let’s see… He embraced and healed a demon-possessed man. He raised from the dead a man who had been in a hot, dry dusty tomb for over three days. How about cleaning very dirty and dusty feet? And I could not embrace a woman with bad hygiene. I could not, with an open heart, visit without judgment and learn of her circumstances. I have tears for my lack of tenderness and compassion for this woman. She passed away from ill health. Is she, like Lazarus, in the arms of Abraham?

Then my turn came. My husband was diagnosed with Lewy body dementia. Many avoided me during this agonizing time. Some family and friends abandoned me. Dementia is still a scary, unpredictable and terminal disease.  

Abandonment happens to everyone at some time when support, a tender heart is needed. Bewilderment along with loneliness may be the companions. Ask me if I have a tender heart now. I know it’s not perfect but some gigantic lessons have been learned. Scar tissue of the heart. Heart tenderizer.

Living with a tender heart. When times of rejection come even from our own Christian family, may we remember the Father’s son who gave everything for us and he too was rejected by his spiritual and his human family. It doesn’t mean we deny, suppress or avoid the pain. It hurts! But our Father will provide the healing, embracing and strength we need with a new and tender heart.

Musings

I did not have to be a person with bad hygiene to have a tender heart for the woman that did. I did not have to fix her. Just be with her. Validating her God-given worth would suffice. Our Father would do the rest. I would do anything for God but embrace a smelly woman? My friends did not have to know about dementia to provide a tender heart during my time of need. The old saying, “What would Jesus do?” is just another way of saying, “what would a tender heart do?”

Prayer

Dear Father,

Thank you for your tender heart towards us. There are so many times we’ve failed, didn’t fit the mold of a “good Christian, good boy/girl, good parent/child.” No matter what, every one of us is beloved by you. May we remember this. May we be a bit more tender, validating, compassionate toward the unlovely brought into our lives. We were unlovely too, even if it didn’t show on the outside.

Bless us.

Amen.

“Look! I stand at the door and knock. If you hear my voice and open the door, I will come in, and we will share a meal together as friends.” Revelation 3:20 NLT

“Love is a divine act that can transform and bring a change of heart.”  Lailah Gifty Akita

What I truly love about Christianity is how the Lord waits to be invited. There are no mandates, dictates, bullying, controlling or manipulating. He asks. The Lord of Lords, the King of Kings asks. He knocks.

What I love about the Lord is how he transforms me in the midst of pain and fear, not with pushing, bullying, condemning or judgment.  He is with me in my darkest hour. He weeps with me. He prays for me. He companions me, whether I feel it or not. He redeems my pain and fear. You know, everything works to good for those who love him. I experience a relationship with him.

I have knowledge about God but the intimacy, the experience is priceless. There are relationship things like joy, trust, communication (much more one-sided than it should be), love, encouragement, inspiration, anger and yes, silence. Our relationship is more than feelings. It’s a trust walk. All good relationships work on trust.

All relationships have their ups and downs, misunderstandings, dark times and good times, even and especially with our kids, parents, siblings and colleagues. But real relationships start with the heart. No change in the heart– no change. No change in the heart– no change in character. No change in the heart–no change in behavior. No change in the heart–no intimate relationship. Knowledge is good and helps but it’s not the heart.

I managed a small marketing department and I had four single, head-of-house women working for me. They struggled, really struggled, being full-time parents, financial turmoil and exes that were so toxic. It was up to me to make it work! Some had just a GED. No college. No technical training. They lived in harsh environments. The only reason they were working for me was they had to. This was it. It looked impossible.

So, I loved them (and was humbled many times). Love is action from a persuaded heart. I acknowledged with praise what they did well. Learning was a fun, down-time activity. I knew their kids, their boyfriends and even their parents. Most of all I prayed for them. Most of all I prayed for me. But our Father through the Son made us successful. Was there an unexpected pregnancy? Oh, yes. Utilities shut off. Top Ramen for dinner. But we worked, encouraged, lent a hand and cash, overcame and cared. Mistakes were made but it drew us closer. Our Father brought us through.

Every one of these girls is now in adulthood with their own professional careers, loving husbands and families with awards and accomplishments they never imagined. We are friends. We all were persuaded. We all were transformed. All have a spiritual life. It didn’t happen overnight but it happened.

Musings

Whatever problem, person or situation, prayer for an open heart, a persuaded heart is required. A miracle! We learn to see with spiritual eyes and heart like our Father and his Son. We experience a joyful, loving relationship with our Father first and it flows to others. We gain the ability to love our Father with our heart, mind and soul as well as our neighbor.

Prayer

Dear Father,

We must see you first before all the things will be added to us and our loved ones. Your Son said, “Apart from me, you can do nothing.” Oh how we stumble on this statement when our pulled-up- by-our-bootstraps mentality tempts us into self-sufficiency and toxic control and away from you. Thank you for persuading, asking, gently encouraging us. Help us to do this with others too.

Amen.