“If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.” James 1:5 NIV (Emphasis mine)

“Before you speak ask yourself if what you are going to say is true, is kind, is necessary, is helpful. If the answer is no, maybe what you are about to say should be left unsaid.” Bernard Meltzer

I received the nicest birthday card from someone who had wounded me terribly in my childhood. It truly was kind, thoughtful and so welcome. You see, my pain was from this person, which included some physical abuse and emotional abuse at a time when I had no resources, adults, church or mentor to properly process this. The pain reared its ugly head after my husband’s death many years after the offenses. Grief pulls out all the stops of buried “stuff.” It hurt like hell! And I stuffed it for months.

But it came back.

I wanted to rant and rave and tell this person off! I wanted her to hurt as much as she hurt me! Maybe more. I asked our Father for help and I got it. And without finding fault for either of us.

She came from a dysfunctional home. I came from a dysfunctional home. No good comes from that until we have a new home—a home not made with hands. The story of Joseph came to mind. His brothers set out to kill him–what’s this about? — The brothers’ jealousy and Joseph’s narcissistic traits. Joseph was dropped into a well instead of being murdered. As we know, several years later, Joseph saved his father and brothers’ lives during a great famine. Joseph never had a chance to tell off his brothers even though he was imprisoned for years. Dysfunction imprisons for years. But Joseph said, “You meant me harm but God meant it for good.” I can say the same with thankfulness.

What’s this about? Do not overcome evil with evil but overcome evil with good. So I worked on why I clung to this hurt and anger. Was it because I felt alive? Was it because it was familiar? Was it really my problem? No, I didn’t put myself in a dangerous or harmful situation. In fact, she’s worked on her “stuff” too. Will we talk about it? Probably not. She loves me the best she is able—no harm. She has her own work to do and she’s doing it, with her Father’s help. All I’ve done is go about my own business doing the best I can with my Father’s help. And I’ve told this rant and rave to my Father many, many times.

The right books fell into my lap. The right people companioned me. Surrender was mine. Rest. Hope. Willingness. And a new relationship with an old frenemy.

Musings

No matter if we’ve had a “healthy childhood” or drama-filled childhood, what’s this about puts us on the right track. Life still smacks us (or the Liar) when we’re most vulnerable.  If someone is abusing you. Get out! Get out now!  But most of the Christian Life is becoming conscious. Most of the Christian Life is more unlearning before truly learning. As Einstein said, “You can’t solve your problems with the same mind that got you the problems.” We have the mind of Christ –1 Corinthians 2:16.

What’s this about? Gets us to the Father with some remarkable insights about our hearts, other’s hearts and a whole lot of freedom. No condemnation whatsoever!

Prayer

Dear Father,

Thank you for your mercies that are new every morning. When we pause, pray and genuinely ask, “What’s this about?” you are there. There’s no condemnation for us or others because of an open heart that wants to do your will instead of hanging on to destructive emotions.

We’re here. We’re open. We’re thankful.

Amen.

The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed,
    a stronghold in times of trouble.
Those who know your name trust in you,
    for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you. Psalm 9:9-10 NIV

“My job is to make your life easier right now. This is how I’m going to do it. Does that work?” Many wise people have asked this.

There is no such thing as going back to normal after tremendous losses: No. Such. Thing.

Death of a loved one

Victim of a crime

War

Bankruptcy

Career loss

Terminal/chronic illness

Addiction

Natural disasters

Divorce – children suffer too

Abuse

Let’s bust some common and harmful things right now!

Quoting scripture: Band-Aids on an amputation. Scripture is wonderful and true but that’s not what’s needed right away. Please. It just adds salt to the wound. For instance the hurting person will hear, whether you mean it or not: “If you were a better Christian…” “If you just had faith…” Don’t. Just don’t.

“He’s with God now.” Making God the villain to a suffering person leaves the bereaved feeling even lonelier and hopeless. This may be true, but separation is always painful.

“At least you have other children.” See previous paragraph.

“God never gives you more than you can handle.” This one drives me nuts! It was used when I was caring for my husband with Lewy body dementia. My Father did not do this! He is not the author of disease!  He did not give my husband dementia. The Liar did. God knows I couldn’t handle this, which is why prayer, wise and caring friends and support groups are essential. If I have cancer, God knows this and provides professionals along with hope.  Paul frequently healed others but it was Luke, a gentile doctor, who attended to Paul’s wounds.

“Well, at least he’s still with you.” Wrong, wrong, wrong again! I lost pieces of my hubby day after day after day.  He died daily. Those with spouses, children or relatives with an addiction lose them piece-by-piece, day-after-grueling day. Always on alert for the next disaster. Ask a dementia caregiver or parent with an addicted child. Are they really with you? Did you lose pieces of yourself along the journey? Or better, what do you need from me?

“Well, at least you have each other.” How many Floridians who suffered from the hurricane are jumping for joy on that one? They lost their entire fortunes, homes, mental health, faith and much more. It may be true they have each other, but the shock settles in. Their way of life is gone! Their friends are gone! Their church building is gone. More grueling days, months or years ahead.

AND THE MOST HURTFUL ONE EVER!!!!

Everything happens for a reason: Yes, yes it does. Here’s the reason: Evil in this world. Remember when Job lost everything and his friends visited him and grieved with him? They were a comfort until they opened their mouths and decided Job must have done something wrong. Don’t hurt a person’s conscience and heart with this one.

Maybe prayer, arms, listening ears, running errands, a homemade meal, a personal gift or say, “This is really tough! You are going through a nightmare. Tell me more.” And listen. Ask our Father to open our heart to see theirs. Jesus said many times, “What can I do for you?” Then he did it. We need to follow his way.

Musings

It’s so sad and destructive the trite sayings we trot out to those with agonizing losses. But Jesus showed us a much better way. If this has been done to you, I pray for your full healing.

Ask. Validate. Companion. Love.

Prayer

Dear Father,

Isaiah lamented he was a man with unclean lips who lives with people with unclean lips. Unclean lips doesn’t mean just swear words. Unclean lips are gossip, oaths, sarcasm, threats, and saying hurtful things. We are to weep with those who weep. We all will weep one day. We aren’t “Sunshine Christians.” Help us to be “Sonshine Christians.”

We go onward with your grace, transformation, love and hope with thanks.

Amen.

“Likewise, you who are younger, be subject to the elders. Clothe yourselves, all of you, with humility toward one another, for ‘God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.’” 1 Peter 5:5 ESV

“Your greatest life messages and your most effective ministry will come out of your deepest hurts. The things you’re most embarrassed about, most ashamed of, and most reluctant to share are the very tools God can use most powerfully to heal others.” Rick Warren

The more touchy we are, the more we’re covering up. The more we explain, the more we’re hiding (I did this in trauma counseling). The sarcastic comeback, yep, avoiding and building oneself up at the other’s expense. Hiding receipts, substances, food or porn, shame is calling the shots. Puffing ourselves up with money, power, beauty or status–hiding a big wound somewhere.

Sin Management. I think it was Dallas Willard who coined the phrase. But Sin Management is something we’re all guilty of. We want to look better, be better than we think we really are. Nothing wrong with wanting to be better, but without the honesty and courage, humility it ain’t!

My biggest defensive problem was my parents. They weren’t perfect. No parent is. But to get down to brass tacks of some of my parents toxic behavior took years! Who wants to admit that their parents were pretty abusive? I want the parents you see on TV, (well not Breaking Bad—manufacturing meth and selling it.)

Second defensive problem. My parenting. I was a good parent but I made some whopper mistakes. Divorce always shatters and confuses kids. I own at least half. And never enough money or time as a single parent. My ex and I, at the very least, coparented. When my son brings up something I’ve done that harmed him, I want to hide. But it’s there. It’s hurting both of us.

Third defensive problem. Caregiving my dying husband. Soooo many mistakes and every one of them comes into view during the grieving process. Grief group can relate and it’s a safe place to vent them.

Are you defensive about something?

The best thing to do is to take it to our Father who guides and helps without judgment. Be open to his nudges. And don’t condemn yourself when you go two steps forward and one back. Remember: “There is no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus.”

Musings

As long as we’re here on planet Earth, we’ll be defensive about something! We will slide again and again into sin management. There will be progress in hindsight most times. But we can always be naked with our Father. The Prodigal Son finally was. His homecoming was a momentous blessing of love, mercy and second chances. We are the Father’s Prodigal Son or daughter.

Prayer

Dear Father,

We want to be bigger, better and successful. We don’t like looking at the things that are hidden and cause us to be defensive. If we can’t take these things to you, we’re lost. If we can’t take these things to you, we remain on autopilot with no self-awareness, healing, growth or wisdom. We remember how fortunate we are that we can be like the Prodigal and come home with no condemnation or punishment. “He who fears punishment is not perfected in love.” Perfect us in your love.

Amen.

But when he saw that the wind was boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink he cried out, saying, “Lord, save me!” And immediately Jesus stretched out His hand and caught him, and said to him, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?” Matthew 14:30-31 NKJV

“I do not believe there ever existed a Christian yet, who did not know and then doubt his interest in Jesus. I think, when a man says, ‘I never doubt,’ it is quite a time for us to doubt him.” – Charles Spurgeon

Apparently, Christians doubt. An honest Christian will say that doubt happens frequently in our Christian life. It’s part of self-discovery and growth. It builds faith and endurance, if we let it.

In fact, I read somewhere that children have a natural instinct to reach out for God. This has proven true in my life, my child’s, the children in my Sunday school class. He just is. He just loves. Some of the painful stories children have endured from cancer to abuse, naturally cling to God. They sing, Jesus loves me, Jesus loves the little children and the glowing faces when singing Christmas songs cannot be denied. It truly is innocence that’s a powerful witness! They never doubt they’re loved even in excruciating circumstances. Maybe that’s why “we must become like children.”

In the dark times of life, from being broke, hungry, traumatized, lonely, death of a loved one, our Christian faith is tested. The faith that we are eternally loved and cared for mocks us. “I will never leave you nor forsake you” seems so hollow. Some turn their back on God and I was one. I didn’t lose faith in God. I just thought if God loves me, he can keep that love! I’ve got enough bad love in my life so I turned my back on him. My faith was broken. My hope was gone. Purpose left.

I believe all Christians reach a dark night of the soul. Do we love the giver or the gift? We wrestle with what we believe. Jacob wrestled with an angel. Job continued to seek God even after he lost everything, even his health, and Doubting Thomas’ story is familiar to all.

Do we doubt that God loves us? Do we truly believe God is involved in our life? We no longer feel the love of the Father. Where did our blessings go?  Doubt. The only way through is through. Usually, in hindsight, we see the Father’s work in our life and our faith is strengthened. The Bible is filled with persons who doubted. Many Christians can come alongside and help. The Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings to deep for words. Time to make a list of all the things our Father has done for us. Give thanks and ask.

Musings

You may not receive answers. Some trials I’ve been through still baffle me. Job didn’t receive answers. And Jacob would not let go of the angel he wrestled until he had his blessing—not answers. Some things are a wrestling match with no clear cut answers. Just like Jacob, do not let go until you have the Father’s blessing. I encourage you to ask and don’t let go. Your faith will be stronger. Ups and downs will become still waters and green pastures. Your heart will grow like the Grinch’s on Christmas morning. You will be a bit more like our Father’s son.

Prayer

Dear Father,

It seems like the hardest test is to believe that our faith “is the evidence, assurance, confidence of things not seen.” Certainty. Promise. We hang on to this. We cling to you. We wait for you. We give you our doubt. We remember all hope was gone when Jesus died on the cross. We remember the great joy when he rose. And we thank you.

Amen.

“To them God has chosen to make known among the Gentiles the glorious riches of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory.” Colossians 1:27 NASB

“I pray because I can’t help myself. I pray because I’m helpless. I pray because the need flows out of me all the time, waking and sleeping. It doesn’t change God, it changes me.” C.S. Lewis

Richard Rohr said, “Information is not transformation.” True words. If all I needed was information, I’d be rich, a genius, and a perfect Christian. And I’m not.

There are situations where information is critical such as medical situations. I knew so much about my husband’s disease but it didn’t transform him into good health.

Childhood books galore when my son was born did not transform me into a perfect parent with a perfect child. We both made progress but it wasn’t a piece of cake.

Studying financial investments and saving like Scrooge did not transform me into Warren Buffet. As you know, my husband’s disease made short work of our savings.

I am sure relationships are the very tool our Father uses for true transformation. Our transformation. Possibly their transformation. When we look back, we see our Father was working quietly and patiently through many counseling sessions, prayers, sermons and practice but transformation is God’s work.

Musings

An honest Christian will say that doubt happens frequently in our Christian life. It’s part of self-discovery and the Christian journey—a mystery. It strengthens faith if we endure. If we love.  Those prayers for endurance and love are always answered, though not recognized many times. A mystery. God’s love transforms.

Prayer

Dear Father,

We thank you for all the prayers you’ve answered. Some prayers were joyous. Some prayers seemed unanswered. As long as we endure, which you help us to do, and love, which you’ve done since the beginning, we will become more like your son and bring more into your kingdom. With great joy. A mystery with a happy ending.

You always answer prayers.

Amen.

“He is like a tree planted by streams of water that yields its fruit in its season, and its leaf does not wither. In all that he does, he prospers.” Psalm 1:3 ESV

“My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor and some style.” Maya Angelou

I have a dear friend who is described by her doctors as failure to thrive. A syndrome of global decline in the body. She’s 84 years old and has had severe pneumonia twice, can’t walk much, on oxygen and she’s losing weight, even though she eats. Leukemia survivor and widow. She won’t be with us much longer but she still smiles, does what she can to participate in life and loves to have coffee with me when she’s able.  I brought her some of my homegrown roses and a stuffed toy German Shepherd dog (her favorite dog breed). Spiritually, she is thriving though her body is declining.

I lost a friend, a talented, pretty and intelligent woman a couple weeks ago to alcohol. My son dated her for years until her drinking, along with the drunk behavior, forced him to end the relationship. She refused to seek help. She refused spiritual and emotional counsel. She died from liver failure from alcohol September 26th. Painful and such a tragic way to go.

When we numb ourselves, deny, blame or avoid, we fail to thrive.

When we don’t take wounds, fear, grief to the Father, we toss out hope, faith, love, self-esteem, goals, purpose. FAILURE TO THRIVE.

As Paul once stated, “Though our outward self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed each day.” And who is doing the renewing? The Father through the Son and Holy Spirit. Without the Father, Son and Holy Spirit, we starve. We fail to thrive. Something as simple as, “I am the Bread of Life” who renews and enriches us beyond what we can imagine can keep us from fading away.

Musings

Without Christian friends and counsel, we can’t thrive. Without touch, we can’t thrive. Without prayer, we can’t thrive. Without “the Bread of Life” we can’t thrive.

Prayer

Dear Father,

Give us this day our daily bread, the Bread of Life. We thank you we are being renewed each day with purpose, love and hope. Help us to love those who are failing to thrive. In you is everything for thriving in this life and in the future.

Amen.

“For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever you want.” Galatians 5:17 NIV

“It seems we are capable of immense love and loyalty, and as capable of deceit and atrocity. It’s probably this shocking ambivalence that makes us unique.” ~ John Scott

I want that cookie! But it’ll hurt my weight loss.

I want to have a drink. I’ll lose my spouse if I drink again.

That kid of mine is so rebellious! Yet, I love him. I need to make time and gently reason with him.

I want to buy (fill in the blank) but I need to save and pay my bills.

I don’t want to work today. But my family needs my salary and leadership.

My spouse has just been diagnosed with a chronic, possibly terminal, disease. I want out!

I want to be a Christian. I don’t want to be tested and disciplined.

From the little thoughts we have every day to the stunning and powerless situations we endure, we are ambivalent. Flesh at war with the spirit. Spirit at war with the flesh.

So that we do not do whatever we want.

There’s always a cartoon somewhere that has a befuddled, anxious person with an angel on one shoulder whispering in the character’s ear and a red-hot devil whispering in the other. Ambivalence. Holding two conflicting ideas at the same time. We all do it.

I don’t know about you but if I do whatever I want it usually leads to a painful and sometimes embarrassing place. A place that’s dark and hidden. Definitely not for our Father’s glory. Usually, for mine. Some thoughts are easy to do like taking a walk versus blowing up into a disgruntled couch potato. Some are agonizing like a friend of mine who has battled drug addiction. The loving thing to do, finally, was cut off the relationship.

What our Father wants is always for his glory and our good. It’s just that good hurts in the beginning but eventually brings us peace. What’s that trite saying? No pain no gain. Doing what is right and good is just downright difficult sometimes! But the Son did it. For you and for me.

Musings

The spiritual journey is not just a journey but a wealth of self-discovery. That self-discovery can reveal some pretty painful revelations. I need to do this but I want to do that. Ambivalence. But we’re not without help or hope. Being mindful of thoughts is a giant step forward with abundant grace.

Prayer

Dear Father,

Jesus, your son, did not want to be humiliated, tortured and die on a painful cross but he did for us. Two conflicting ideas and passionate emotions to the point of sweating blood. But he chose us. As it says in Hebrews, “We have not yet resisted to the point of shedding blood.” Thank you is inadequate.

Help us to recognize our conflicting thoughts and emotions and bring them to you. Help us to do what you want because we know, ultimately, it’s good for us too.

Amen.

Self-Compassion

“The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed,
    a stronghold in times of trouble.
Those who know your name trust in you,
    for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you”. Psalm 9:9-10 NIV

“This is a moment of suffering. Suffering is part of life. May I be kind to myself in this moment. May I give myself the compassion I need.” Kristen Neff

Sometimes the loved one dies.

Sometimes the ones that were supposed to love you, don’t.

Sometimes you lose your job.

Sometimes there’s war.

Sometimes there’s disaster.

Sometimes you’re a victim of crime.

This is the time to take refuge in our Father and a time of compassion for you. Breathing and knowing that the Holy Spirit is praying for you and the situation is enough for the day. Sometimes things are not your fault.

No matter how much we want to control, work hard, or change a situation, sometimes we can’t. Our Father would want us to be kind to ourselves. Pour it out to him and on him. Be kind to yourself.

When my husband died, I did not run out and sell my home, try to help others or get right back to work. I took refuge with gallons of tears and let all the outside clatter and interruptions go.  I was compassionate with myself. I hugged and walked my little dog in nature. I read biographies of others in similar situations. Others showed up with prayers and arms. Our Father loves us. He would want us to be kind to ourselves during these difficult times. No mighty message. No goals to keep. No self-condemnation (after the death of a loved one, loss of job, relapse, condemnation from others and from ourselves may come into play.)  Thoughts of what did I do wrong? Did I contribute to this? I am wrong—a horribly destructive thought. Is God punishing me? These are thoughts we all have and the fact may be you did nothing wrong. Blame seems to be the only answer and it rarely is, even if you blame yourself. As the saying goes, “Life happens.” And it seem it comes out of nowhere.

I asked our Father after my husband died to be with me and gently he revealed my gifts, true friends and eventually a new purpose. But first, self-compassion. Doing and being kind to myself. No harsh and blaming thoughts. Life is difficult! That’s a fact. It’s amazing to me how much more compassion I have for others once I surrendered to the Father and allowed self-compassion into my life. And this too, takes time. Give yourself time with compassion. This too may require professional help.

Musings

Our world is a hurry-up, get-it-done, get-it-over-with, no-time-for-this place. You are what you do. Earn it, by golly!

 It’s wrong. It’s harmful. It’s destructive. No compassion. We have more compassion for an abandoned animal than ourselves.

Take refuge in our Father and allow his grace and compassion to heal our hearts. He knows we’re numb with grief, traumatized, shamed and afraid. His Son experienced all of these. The best self-compassion I know is to take refuge in our Father. Search the Psalms. They’re full of compassion with hope. The rest will come in time.

Prayer

Dear Father,

Thank you for your compassion and mercy that are new every morning. We take refuge in you always but especially those times where we can’t see any answers for our broken situations and our broken hearts. We remember: “Not by might, nor by power, but by my spirit.” True hope.

Amen.

“Yes,” Jesus replied, “and I assure you that everyone who has given up house or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or property, for my sake and for the Good News, will receive now in return a hundred times as many houses, brothers, sisters, mothers, children, and property—along with persecution. And in the world to come that person will have eternal life.” Mark 10:29-30 NLT

“There’s a saying that goes, ‘hurt people will hurt people.’ But I rarely hear the opposite, ‘Healed people heal people.’ Get healed. Then, go heal” – Unknown

No one has been healed perfectly. No one has loved or been loved perfectly. No one.

Mommy issues. Daddy issues. The deeper you go into your own childhood wounds the more you’ll see them. You’ll recognize them at work, church, the grocery store you frequent, the doctor’s office. People who haven’t left home. They and possibly you have moved clear across the country but you’ve never left home.

I had an employee with major passive-aggressive tendencies. Her father had committed suicide and her mother was an alcoholic. Not a well-rounded, loving and spiritual foundation by any stretch to build a full and loving life.

Who got the brunt of this? Why me, of course, her boss. Here’s the fun part–I was too easy on her. I did not confront her in a professional manner at first. Why? Because I had a very strict mother with a pretty damaging tongue. I never wanted to do to another what was done to me. So, I did nothing. Mommy issues. I own it. Blaming my mom accomplished nothing and kept me stuck.

Childhood wounds. Unconscious. Survival. They hurt so very much at a time we hadn’t the words or a trusted adult to confide in. So very destructive for everyone involved. Some never choose healing.

Luckily, I got more training and counsel. I learned that setting boundaries and being quite clear about the job performance and expectations are crucial for the company and life. This was for her sake as well as for mine and, of course, the company we worked for. The feelings were agonizing. After many warnings with documentation, I fired her. I cried buckets of tears because this young, single, head-of-household woman was so likable and down right funny! She had survival skills of a trooper. She decided to get counseling and worked hard at it. She is now a happily married woman to a Christian man. She has a career, loving family and lots and lots of friends. I’m one of them. When my old dog died, she was the first to comfort. When my husband died, she was the first to sit with me. She is one of my greatest treasures.

Musings

Healed people heal people. I like that so much better than hurting people hurt people.Jesus did say we’d receive some persecution, which may come from the very family we were born into. Jesus had a bit of trouble with some of his siblings. His brothers thought he was nuts! Jesus, their brother, thinks he’s God in the flesh!He healed people. Those people healed others. For over 2,000 years.

Prayer

Dear Father,

Thank you for our families, spiritual and physical. Some things are hard, but you heal them through your son and other Christian mentors. Help us to heal. Help us to heal others. The more we heal others, the more abundance we have here and eternally.

Amen