It’s Not Your Fault


“The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed,
    a stronghold in times of trouble.
Those who know your name trust in you,
    for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you”. Psalm 9:9-10 NIV

“This is a moment of suffering. Suffering is part of life. May I be kind to myself in this moment. May I give myself the compassion I need.” Kristen Neff

Sometimes the loved one dies.

Sometimes the ones that were supposed to love you, don’t.

Sometimes you lose your job.

Sometimes there’s war.

Sometimes there’s disaster.

Sometimes you’re a victim of crime.

This is the time to take refuge in our Father and a time of compassion for you. Breathing and knowing that the Holy Spirit is praying for you and the situation is enough for the day. Sometimes things are not your fault.

No matter how much we want to control, work hard, or change a situation, sometimes we can’t. Our Father would want us to be kind to ourselves. Pour it out to him and on him. Be kind to yourself.

When my husband died, I did not run out and sell my home, try to help others or get right back to work. I took refuge with gallons of tears and let all the outside clatter and interruptions go.  I was compassionate with myself. I hugged and walked my little dog in nature. I read biographies of others in similar situations. Others showed up with prayers and arms. Our Father loves us. He would want us to be kind to ourselves during these difficult times. No mighty message. No goals to keep. No self-condemnation (after the death of a loved one, loss of job, relapse, condemnation from others and from ourselves may come into play.)  Thoughts of what did I do wrong? Did I contribute to this? I am wrong—a horribly destructive thought. Is God punishing me? These are thoughts we all have and the fact may be you did nothing wrong. Blame seems to be the only answer and it rarely is, even if you blame yourself. As the saying goes, “Life happens.” And it seem it comes out of nowhere.

I asked our Father after my husband died to be with me and gently he revealed my gifts, true friends and eventually a new purpose. But first, self-compassion. Doing and being kind to myself. No harsh and blaming thoughts. Life is difficult! That’s a fact. It’s amazing to me how much more compassion I have for others once I surrendered to the Father and allowed self-compassion into my life. And this too, takes time. Give yourself time with compassion. This too may require professional help.


Our world is a hurry-up, get-it-done, get-it-over-with, no-time-for-this place. You are what you do. Earn it, by golly!

 It’s wrong. It’s harmful. It’s destructive. No compassion. We have more compassion for an abandoned animal than ourselves.

Take refuge in our Father and allow his grace and compassion to heal our hearts. He knows we’re numb with grief, traumatized, shamed and afraid. His Son experienced all of these. The best self-compassion I know is to take refuge in our Father. Search the Psalms. They’re full of compassion with hope. The rest will come in time.


Dear Father,

Thank you for your compassion and mercy that are new every morning. We take refuge in you always but especially those times where we can’t see any answers for our broken situations and our broken hearts. We remember: “Not by might, nor by power, but by my spirit.” True hope.


Published by Barbara Hinther

Barbara Hinther author of Meditations and Encouragement for the Caregiver of a Loved One with Dementia and What About Me, God. Time to share what she has learned and hopefully, others will know they are not alone. This too, shall pass with beautiful, yet painful, lessons. Barbara lives in a rural town in Idaho where all is community. Bless everyone in the community for their support and their never-ending let’s pitch in attitude! She worked in marketing for over 30 years and volunteered with the Idaho Youth Ranch and St. Vincent’s de Paul Thrift Store. Then her hardest job ever was caring for her husband who died from Lewy body dementia and needed her full-time care. Feelings of abandonment were constant. Life was very difficult for a while, but love, faith and hope will overcome. Let the adventure continue!

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