Character: Who You Are When Nobody is Looking

“He who walks in integrity and with moral character walks securely, But he who takes a crooked way will be discovered and punished.” Proverbs 10:9 AMP

“To educate a man in mind and not in morals is to educate a menace to society.” Theodore Roosevelt

When I was very little, a neighbor lady, whom I adored, said I was such a character and she was very loving when she said it. I was so proud, even though I had no idea what it meant. I told my family at dinner that night our neighbor called me a “tractor.” Mom knew what I meant and the whole family laughed while Mom tried to help me pronounce character–More importantly, how to have good character.

There are tractors in our lives. Those that plow us under with all the rocks and debris without looking back. It’s our decision how to respond: Character. We still choose how to react. (1 John 2:1)

There are sins that are tractors. Cheating, lying, abusing others or substances, stealing, swearing and more, of course. These tractors will plow us under too. In the Father’s world, there is no such thing as a little cheating, lying, etc. If we do a little, we’ll do a lot—good and bad. Confess to the Father and each other with prayer. (James 5:16)

Toxic tractors. Yep. Those that shame, lie and manipulate. Time to run from them! Tractors can’t go very fast. You don’t need to explain. Ever. (2 Timothy 3:1-5)

Fear tractors. From speaking in front of an audience to taking responsibility, if we’re paralyzed, down and under we go. We need supernatural power. (Isaiah 41:10)

Trauma tractors. These need professional help. All trauma tractors need the Father’s help and each other. (Psalm 91:4-6)

And tractors are necessary for our growth. They can plow under what looks dead and not useful into the soil but with water, fertilizer, the right choices in planting, and the Father’s will, up comes a bountiful harvest. (1Peter 2:2-3)

Musings

Our Father never intended for us to be plowed under but since the Garden, we have been. Human nature. Our Father causes all things to become good if we love Him. We need Jesus’ nature. He gave us the Holy Spirit who will teach us ALL things. (John 14:26)

Prayer

Dear Father,

Thank you for rescuing us from the things that can plow us under. Help us to learn from those difficult times and to help others. May we remember that we may plant but You are the Harvest.

Amen.

Do You Need an Empathetic Witness?

The Absence of an Empathetic Witness

“Who will rise up for me against the wicked?
    Who will take a stand for me against evildoers?
Unless the Lord had given me help,
    I would soon have dwelt in the silence of death.
When I said, ‘My foot is slipping,’
    your unfailing love, Lord, supported me.
When anxiety was great within me,
    your consolation brought me joy. Psalm 94:16-19 NIV

“The greatest cruelty is our casual blindness to the despair of others.” Anonymous

The Absence of an Empathetic Witness was a quote in an encouraging email I received. Makes tremendous sense!  And so cruel! This is why we “Survivors” (hate saying victims) seek help. Counselors, pastors, books and friends all have their place in healing from trauma. We may not have complete healing here on Earth (thorn in the side?) but connection, belonging, loving and being loved are available in abundance if we have the courage to seek it.

The Father is an empathetic witness. The Son is an empathetic witness. The Holy Spirit is an empathetic witness. At any time and any place 24 hours a day.

Included in the article were symptoms of lacking an empathetic witness, especially in childhood:

Physical problems like overeating, drinking, not sleeping or sleeping too much, being startled easily and more.

Emotional problems like anxiety, avoiding people or situations, depression and lack of hope are soul-crushing. They stick like Gorilla glue and we don’t even know why. We need to know why.

Another symptom is doing too much. Always going and if you stop, the world will end. A hamster on a wheel but the hamster enjoys it—he was made for it. You are not a hamster. You are a beloved child of God.

Shame. From all-out efforts to manage the perceived faults in ourselves. We’re the worst!

How discouraging if we had to do this by ourselves and thankfully, we don’t! Jesus encouraged us to “ask, seek, knock and we will find.” Seeking takes courage and work. It won’t be linear. Some days you’ll knock it out of the park and other days will seem like setbacks. Part of the process, journey and character building. But as they say in AA, “Keep coming back. It works!” Just showing up is progress, especially with faith.

Musings

“I thank my God for you every time I think of you; and every time I pray for you all, I pray with joy because of the way in which you have helped me in the work of the gospel from the very first day until now. And so I am sure that God, who began this good work in you, will carry it on until it is finished on the Day of Christ Jesus. You are always in my heart!” Paul said this in Philippians and if he needed others to help him, we do too. I thank you and know you’re always in my heart.

Prayer

Dear Father,

We thank You for:

Loving us.

Being proud of us.

Helping us to say we’re sorry and counseling us.

For Listening.

For guiding us into what is our responsibility and what is not.

For encouraging us and showing us we have what it takes.

For being with us every minute of every day and not abandoning us.

For being the true Empathetic Witness.

Amen.

Books

“In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning. Through him all things were made; without him, nothing was made that has been made. In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind.” John 1:1-4 NIV

“We are like books, most people only see our cover, the minority read the introduction, many will believe the critics. Few will know our content.” Unknown

I didn’t even read my own book! I believed the critics. Once I started my Christian journey, I started reading the Bible with hunger. I started with the Book of John because it is the most powerful image of God’s love for me. Then I read the Psalms with a focus on what I was experiencing at certain times, even my husband’s death. One true thing about the Psalms is that they may start in despair or fear but end with courage, hope, love, rescue, abundance and faith. The words are so powerful! They are alive! Even Peter said to Jesus when many abandoned Jesus, “Where would we go? You have the words of life.”

Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me. We remember this childhood rhyme and it’s false!

You have the words of life. Another astounding, spectacular and awesome responsibility.

What words do you say to yourself? It starts there. The harder you are on yourself, the harder you will be with others.

What words do you say to your family?

What words do you say to your coworkers?

What words do you say to the customer service rep? Waitress? Grocery clerk?

What words do you say to the person who belittles you?

What words do you say to your Father in Heaven?

The words of life can heal. The words of life can motivate. The words of life can inspire, encourage and bring wisdom. They cost nothing and the Father will give you the words if you ask. What investment costs nothing but rewards so generously?

Musings

Do you remember the Bible verses that have motivated, comforted, challenged, and inspired you? Life and light. And it spreads to all in your life.

Prayer

Dear Father,

Your Son taught us how to pray and to start with, “Our Father who is in heaven, hallowed be Your name.” The Word created the universe and us and gives life. Help us to use this power to create positive changes in ourselves and others. To give life.

Every encounter is a holy encounter.

Thank you for Your Words of Life.

Amen.

Harm

“You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives” Genesis 50:20 NIV

“Your scars are battle wounds, but you don’t see them that way. Yet.” Tammarra Webber, Novelist

In many Bible translations, the word harm in the above verse says evil instead. It sure feels evil when we’ve been harmed, doesn’t it? Even something as simple as having someone gossip about us burns, angers and embarrasses us.

Harm needs to be acknowledged. It may be as “harmless” as a missed phone call to someone taking credit for your idea or hard work. It may be passive-aggressive behavior like someone showing up late—again. It may have been bitter words tossed about during an argument. Gossip is notorious for harming many. It matters. It’s harmful. It’s destructive.

Harm needs self-compassion. When someone hurts us, some time with the Father with self-compassion is in order. The Psalms are very helpful and comforting. Maybe we can write it down, share it with a wise friend, or a thought adjustment: Whose problem is this? Sometimes it’s a reflection on them and has nothing to do with anything you’ve said or done. This is especially true if you’ve suffered a trauma. Professional help and support are essential.

Harm needs prayer. From you and others.

Harm needs courage. As the Serenity Prayer says, “Courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference.” More study about setting boundaries may be in order. Setting boundaries is awkward and uncomfortable in the beginning.

Harm needs comfort. If the harm is great, trustworthy people’s love and support are very helpful. When we’ve been harmed, losing perspective and demeaning ourselves while abandoning hope is easy. Seek comfort from fellow Christians.

God uses harm to save many lives. Have you attended support groups, lectures, or read biographies about someone who has overcome a severe injury and/or trauma? I’m currently reading Joey Jones’ book, Unbroken Bands of Battle.  There is so much faith, courage and love in his book! Beyond this is hope. Your battle wounds or scars will help, possibly save many.

Musings

No matter what we say, do or believe, harm will always be in our lives. It’s part of being a human. We will try not to harm others but sometimes it happens. We must believe in our Father’s love and grace for us and make an apology or restitution. More importantly, once harm has been addressed, let it go. It doesn’t vanish into the universe. It’s entrusted into our Father’s generous care for something better, something good.

Prayer

Dear Father,

Help us to see harm in another way. Help us use what has harmed us to encourage us and lift others. Help us to remember how much harm Your Son took while we were yet hostile. Help us to heal.

With thanks and gratefulness.

Amen.

Outcomes/Growth

“LORD, you will establish peace for us, for you have also done all our work for us.” Isaiah 25:12 CSB

“Don’t judge each day by the harvest you reap but by the seeds that you plant.” Robert Louis Stevenson

From checking the scale for a long-awaited weight loss to coping with outrageous prices at the grocery store, outcomes are not in my hands. The efforts are. And I can only do what I can today. On one hand, I can envision where I want to go and who I want to be but when that leads to crushing defeat and self-loathing, I’ve got all sorts of trouble. It starts with thinking the outcome depends on me and only me. I forgot to ask the Father, “What do you think? What should I learn from this? Does it line up with your Word?” It could be patience, change course or abandon the plan.

Who causes the growth? According to Paul, he planted and Apollos watered but God caused the growth. So true with parenting, coaching, healing, counseling and teaching! Who’s in charge? Our Father. Who causes our growth and the growth of others? Our Father.

But we get to be a part of the efforts. The seeds we plant today will someday become something wonderful! And the outcome is in the Father’s hands. Have you had a person from long ago tell you they remembered a kindness you did for them? It was a blip on your radar but did not escape the Father’s plan. This happened to me when a young woman who worked for me remembered my patience with her tardiness. Talk about surprise! I just planted a seed, and prayer watered, but the Father caused the growth. When I quit a bad habit, I just quit for today, asked the Father and friends for support and trusted the Father for the rest.

Outcomes are the Father’s specialty. Think of the resurrection—no one saw that coming. Noah’s community made fun of his daily appointment with building an ark. Daniel ate only vegetables but what strength and vision! Joseph was locked up in prison unfairly time and time again before becoming second in command of Egypt. Who was in charge of the outcome? The Father. He was in charge of the growth too. Who planted the maturity and wisdom? Our Father. Isn’t that a relief? Taking care of ourselves is more than a full-time job.

Musings

Goals are good but whenever I’m focused on outcomes, and it’s so easy to fall into, I’ve replaced God with my ego.  It’s like trying to open a rosebud to get the full bloom or hatching an egg before the chick is ready. So disappointing! His will is clear: Be faithful today. The growth is in His hands and in His own time.

Prayer

Dear Father,

We so want it now! But wisdom, success and relationships take commitment, effort, prayer and Your counsel. We will plant the seeds of kindness, faithfulness and love today and hand over the outcome to You with thanks.

Amen.

The Greatest Skill

“Dear friends, let us continue to love one another, for love comes from God. Anyone who loves is a child of God and knows God.” 1 John 4:7 NLT

“There is no perfect, instantaneous compatibility. Relationships are a skill.

Small, constant things have more impact than acts that are more cinematic.

Showing appreciation builds. Criticism destroys.

Attention builds. Turning away destroys.

Taking responsibility builds. Blame destroys.” –Dushka Zapata, Author

Relationships: The greatest skill. Doctors, salespersons, teachers, construction workers, waitresses, parents, counselors and thousands of other occupations require relationship skills. Ronald Reagan was called the Great Communicator. Dale Carnegie taught millions how to make friends and influence people. Almost all successful people, even Bill Clinton, famous for saying, “I feel your pain” despite his many failings, could persuade people by his statement. Of course, Jesus preached to millions without a book launch, podcast or college degree. The greatest skill? Relationships. “Love does not seek its own…” We will always be lacking but improving with self-awareness, grace and forgiveness.

Or Force. Since the beginning, all the destruction and misery of the world has been sold as “for the people’s good” or any numerous deceitful causes disguised as good. Our Father never, ever forces. Even the good old USA had its horrific and disgraceful history of force: slavery and the internment camps for American Japanese during WWII. Hopefully, we’ve learned.

Discipline. We parents, hopefully, discipline our children with love. That doesn’t mean they are off the hook but with the correct attention, correction, listening and responsibility, they grow too. We want respect but not fear from our children. Respect is essential even for our pets. If we’re demanding respect, we’ve already lost it. And it’s the daily, consistent actions and attention that develop good and healthy relationships.

And it’s a skill. There’s no doubt, the most difficult and most rewarding skill is relationship building. Jesus was the greatest communicator of all time and he wasn’t a so-called “professional.” He showed us the way.

Musings

Most of our problems are with relationships. We struggle with our relationship with others, God and even our relationship with ourselves. But our Father always answers prayers of wisdom, love and care.

Prayer

Dear Father,

Teach us to build strong, loving and faithful relationships today. Your Son showed us how even in storms, persecutions, shaming, trauma and under the greatest agony. Help us to do the same no matter the circumstances.

Amen.

Good People

“As it is written

‘None is righteous, no, not one;

no one understands;

no one seeks for God.

All have turned aside; together they have become worthless;

No one does good,

Not even one ‘.” Romans 3:10-12 ESV

“All you have to do is take a close look at yourself and you will understand everyone else.” Isaac Asimov

I’m old enough to remember the television show, Dallas. When J.R. was asked how he could be so cruel, he answered with a tip of his hat and a sneer, “Once you get rid of the conscience, the rest is a piece of cake.” We can sear our conscience.

This is why no one is good: Only God is good. We have a conscience but… “Why do you call me good?” Jesus answered. “No one is good—except God alone.”(Luke 18:19 NIV) Proof Jesus is God.

This is why we stumble over each other, judge each other, gossip, ignore and take each other for granted. This is why we pick people that aren’t good for us. We aren’t good! Most of the pain I’ve caused others is because I did not take a close look at myself and projected my faults onto others. So-and-so sure talks too much! Really? Do I? How can they be so oblivious to their appearance? Really? Am I over-involved in my looks?

Self-compassion without self-awareness is narcissistic.

But because Christ died for us, we are transformed into His likeness. What is he like? Of course, the Gospels show Him and the works He did. He listened and he listened carefully. He healed inside and out. He fed many with thanks. He uplifted. He prayed for all. He forgave all. The more we rely on Him and do some work, the more we are promised the fruit of the spirit: Love, joy, peace, patience, gentleness, kindness and self-control. Wouldn’t it be something to project the fruit of the spirit instead of our weaknesses? We can.

Musings

“Every encounter is a holy encounter” I read. What a responsibility! What a purpose! A divine purpose. From the clerk at the grocery store checkout to (gulp) a local politician, all the encounters are holy. Online? Yep–Holy. Doctor’s office? Holy. Even the customer service rep who is putting you through voicemail purgatory.  All of Jesus’ encounters were holy. Like the trite saying, “What would Jesus do?” is to picture Jesus standing beside us during these encounters. Think of the possibilities! For ourselves and others.

Prayer

Dear Father,

We don’t truly recognize how holy our daily encounters are. Jesus did. From the cripple waiting by the pool for healing to the woman caught in adultery, He had encountered many. Even bystanders who recognized this holiness changed too. We forget when caught in the busyness of the day and our tedious self-absorption, all the heavenly and holy encounters that are right in front of us. Help us to be more aware with thanks for the opportunities to do good works. Sometimes it’s a cup of cold water only or a silent prayer but what a privilege to participate in Your Good.

Thank you for our encounters with you every minute and every day at any time and any place.

Amen.

Which Comes First? Failure or Success?

“The Lord upholds all who fall; and lifts up all who are bowed down.” Psalm 145:15 NIV

“Every trial is a teacher. Every storm is a school. Every experience is an education. Every difficulty is for your development.” Rick Warren, The 6 Phases God Uses to Grow Your Faith

When we fail, we can become a victim or a willing student. What stops us from learning?

Shame. Shame has been programmed into us since we were little kids. Most people who are in a recovery program will slip or possibly relapse. What stops them from trying again? Shame. Those critical images from the past and those inner voices who say, “I knew you couldn’t do it.” But the Lord upholds all who fall and helps weed out self-defeating voices and behaviors.

Doing what another thinks we should do and be. As little children, we learn approval-seeking behaviors. A parent or another authority figure may think we should pursue this person, career or religion. The risk of striking out may lead to failure and we cycle back to shame. My dad thought I should not marry my husband because I was too independent. True, I was independent and the marriage taught me many things like interdependence. Some of it was painful, but I’m grateful for the relationship. Grateful my husband became a Christian.

Fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of the known. Fear of circumstances outside of our control and most circumstances are. The Bible tells us 365 times to not fear. If honest, most things pass without a blip on our radar screen.

Then comes hopelessness. Why bother? I try and try but nothing changes. We’ll fail if we’re trying to change another, outside events or nature. If we try to change ourselves with humility, we have a Helper who will show us the way.

Jesus was a willing victim for our sake. For a few dark, scary and dismal days, it looked like Jesus had failed. No messiah was going to change the world. Peter went back to fishing. But we know the wonderful ending! We know the wonderful beginning! And He is with us always even to the end.

There are two types: Believers and non-believers. The non-believers have all the troubles we have but with entirely different solutions and, possibly, outcomes. Some Godly principles work such as reaping and sowing. Quitting a bad habit can be done by believers and non-believers who may have incredible willpower. But is there transformation? Our successes may surprise and delight us because it wasn’t what we were planning while the Father was working unseen to show us what is best for us.

Musings

We were failures before we entered the Kingdom of God.  With much grace, the Father upholds us and shows us genuine success. What does success look like for you?

Prayer

Dear Father,

Humility is never, ever going to be popular for Christians and non-Christians. But You promise to uphold and deliver us if we humble ourselves. So many religions require unapproachable, unachievable and debasing acts that must be recognized by a mercurial and judgmental god. You require faith in your Son with abundant grace. Your religion is the only religion with grace, deliverance, love and success.

With humility and thanks,

Amen.

Understanding is Not Change

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
    and he will make your paths straight.” Proverbs 3:5 NIV

“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.”—Rumi. 

I have bad eyesight. I understand why and what it takes to improve my eyesight. But, if I don’t make the changes or if I don’t believe in the changes I must make, my eyesight remains poor. Someone in the middle of the railroad track may understand they will get run over if they don’t move off the track. “I understand, I believe you!” they foolishly say, while they continue on their journey on the railroad track. What happens? They go right into the ground. They understood but without a step to the left or right…

People understand why they drink, eat, and work too much. They can tell you why and probably when something enticed them into this behavior, but without one positive step, they are stuck. We must let go and let Him show us how to make our paths straight.

Take a little step.

We understand that Jesus is “The Way, The Truth and The Life.”

We understand that Jesus is “The Only Way to the Father.”

We understand that Jesus is “The Bread of Life and Living Water.”

But without faith, we miss the mark. Faith is a verb and not just a noun. Understanding is a beginning or catalyst for change. James says he will show us his faith by his works. So something is required. We must move toward Christ. We must believe that all things are possible in Him, so we take a step. Then another step. Then another. Then we are changed or transformed through Him who prays for us. Another life-long journey of real change. Real transformation.

Musings

A woman I know has stopped drinking. She stopped three years ago. Did she do it the first time? The second? She says she’s sure it took 1000 starts before it stuck. When she gave up self-loathing and self-condemnation while submitting to Someone greater, it caught. She understood why she drank; she understood her self-loathing and self-condemnation were blocking her efforts. But someone Greater stepped in and made her path straight. It started with His love.

Prayer

Dear Father,

We thank you for Your knowledge, wisdom and understanding. Help us to take the steps we need to make us better, to overcome significant challenges and to live in joy and peace.

We thank you for Your Son who brings us to You and prays for us with confidence.

Amen.

Wandering in the Desert

Wandering in the Desert

“He found him in a desert land and in the howling waste of the wilderness; he encircled him, he cared for him, he kept him as the apple of his eye.” Deuteronomy 32:10 ESV

“The soul always knows what to do to heal itself. The challenge is to silence the mind.” Leanne Schulze

The Israelites wandered in the desert for 40 years! I’ve been tempted to think they were slow learners until I noticed my own 40 years (give or take) of wandering. There are many lessons I’ve learned but some of them didn’t “take” for a year or more. Is it the mind panicking? Is it the voice that says, “You’ll never make it?” Is it fear of the unknown or even worse, the known? Our minds can become a “howling waste of wilderness.”

And leads to destructive impulses. I have always struggled with a very impulsive nature. “I jump in where angels fear to tread.” Not counting the cost. No waiting with a prayer. No fellow counselors. And wham! I’m at the bottom of a hole and still digging.

Good old Magical Thinking.

Addictions may take a long time with wandering in and out and back and forth of true recovery.

Healing from trauma may take a long time with wandering into denial of the truth.

Grief may last a very long time. Wandering in isolation, perhaps, or thinking life will be the same as it was when the deceased was alive.

Family and career progress may take a long time. Wandering in the past and future with anxiety without today’s efforts, plans and persistence or we may give up too soon.

Paying off debt can seem endless. Rationalizations and excuses may cause wandering into more shopping for things we don’t really want for a jolt of “happiness” which fades with the bill.

Silence the mind. Know that the Father cares for you as the apple of His eye. Silence the doubts and fears and let the Father’s love into your heart with thankfulness for what we have today. The only way to silence the mind is to live now–today. The past is gone. The future isn’t here. But the good news is our Father forgave the past, He’s with you now, and He’s in your future.

Musings

Fears, stubbornness, lack of gratitude and lack of faith will always get in the way of our progress and the Father’s good plans for us. His plans are not to harm us but to prosper us and give us hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11.

Prayer

Dear Father,

Oh! How we wish we lived in a fairy tale where the prince kisses the princess, magic wands dispel problems in an instant and we’re fixed by wishing on a star. But that’s not how it is here on Earth where the Accuser rules.

But You care for us in this desert wasteland with love, protection and wisdom. The Accuser must leave us because You are with us. And with thanks, we continue to grow into Your vision, plan and glory.

Amen.