The Committee (in our heads)

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD.” Isaiah 55:8 NIV

“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.” C.G. Jung

In my head is a committee. No, not a mental disorder or hallucinations, but voices. They say things like: “You’re such an idiot.” “You’ll never amount to anything.” “Yes, those pants do make your butt look big.” “You’ll never be enough.” You’re a failure.” “You’re such a loser.” “What were you thinking?” “You’re just a drunk!” “You’re too old.” And these voices can get really, really mean! Yours? They can ruin my life, if I let them. They can become self-fulfilling.

Here are the Committee Members: Critical parent, demanding boss, judgmental church member, passive-aggressive colleague, bullying friend. Gosh! there have been more. And you know what? I fired them! No, not all at once, but as I became aware, with God’s help, of these voices, they no longer had room in my head. They were replaced with God’s thoughts. God helped me to see and question these voices with thoughts like: “You’re the light of the world.” “You are precious in my sight.” “I sing over you.” (Zephaniah 3:17} He holds my hand. (Isaiah 41:13) Slowly, yet gently, those critical voices are silenced by my relationship with Jesus. Something wonderful moves in.

Musings

Let’s question those dismissive, lying and destructive voices we have carried from childhood into adulthood. Let’s release them to God and search for the real image he has for us. If we need help with this, let’s seek it. Let’s encourage each other and build each other up. (1 Thessalonians 5:11) An old hair color ad said, “Because we’re worth it!” More importantly, God says we are worth it. He sent his Son.

Prayer

Father, thank you for making us as we are with gifts, talents and love. Help us to see ourselves as you see us. Help us to let go of old and destructive images of ourselves. Help us to have your voice in our heads and hearts. Help us to let go of things that hurt us. Help us to hold on to you tightly.

Amen.

Small Wins

“I can do all things through him who strengthens me.” Philippians 4:13 ESV

“I can’t tolerate failure and I can’t stand success.” Yours truly and many others.

Yay! I don’t do anything by myself! I have a partner in this life journey who gives me strength for the good and the bad. Good things can be stressful such as a new baby, a new home, a work raise with more responsibility, starting college, as well as the negative. We dwell on the negative because people, society, media, online find attention, ratings and money in it. We “buy” it. The correct clothes, car, investments and blah, blah, blah. It does nothing to build our true selves. It’s a blip of happiness, perhaps.

Our faults, from biting our fingernails to overcoming shame, abuse, addictions are not done in a vacuum. I have a heavenly Father. An unseen partner, who dwells inside me and gives me strength. He provides others to teach, counsel and encourage. He also gives me awareness. I can’t change if I’m not aware. It’s not a judgmental thing or condemning thing. It’s a gentle yet firm voice. Let’s do this together.

 Overcoming a small, bad habit like gossip, isn’t a one-and-done thing. Grace is necessary, practice is necessary, thank God, He pours grace on us, as we stumble to replace gossip, for example, with an open heart. Something always comes along to replace my frailties, foibles and sin. Even something as mundane as biting my nails was overcome with knitting to keep those darn hands busy while asking God for strength. I rewarded myself with pretty nail polish and sparkly rings. It’s okay to celebrate victories, no matter how small, too.

Sometimes we have bigger, much bigger problems, like addictions, trauma, abuse that need attention and healing. God sends his strength through his Holy Spirit, support groups, counselors, His Word, books and trusted friends. It can be humbling to ask for help. Humbling develops character and compassion for ourselves and others on our journey. We dig deep. Sometimes take a break. God waits.

Musings

Asking for help is actually a very valued strength. It’s valued in the Word. Jesus described himself: “Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  If it’s not gentle and humble, whose voice is it?  May our hearts be the same toward ourselves and others. Gentle. Humble. Open.

Prayer

Father, thank you for your strength that I may overcome. Help me to be a strength for myself and others with humble, gentle and open heart. Thank you for grace when I stumble. Thank you for grace and wisdom to try again and again and again. Thank you for your patience.

Amen.

Gift or the Giver?

 “Jesus answered her, “If you knew the gift of God and who it is that asks you for a drink, you would have asked him and he would have given you living water.” John 4:10 NIV

“What you are is God’s gift to you, what you become is your gift to God.”
― Hans Urs von Balthasar

I think about my grandma almost every day, even though she’s been gone from this world for over 30 years. Why? She demonstrated what a giver is. Not yap, yap, yap. She modeled it. Every day. She was generous with birthday and Christmas gifts, which were always designed just for me or my sisters. She scraped, saved, used coupons and other sales incentives all year long to give the best gifts. I hope I am a bit like her. The real kicker is that when she would come to our house or we’d go to hers, shopping, watching TV or playing cards, it was just as meaningful as any holiday gift just to be with her. Her gift was unconditional love with hugs, a positive comment or a gentle lesson. Her cooking and baking were pretty award-winning too! I still love her, look up to her, try to love as she loved to this day. Her legacy: love.

Jesus demonstrates love and gift-giving perfectly. You know the adage: Christ loved you so much he stretched his arms this wide for you. Of course, it’s another image of Christ on the Cross. His gift of love and forgiveness along with counsel, are ours every day. What we do with it, that’s our gift to God.

Musings

The times I’ve asked, manipulated, begged for answer to prayer seemed to go unanswered. Perhaps it’s the lesson: Do I love the gift or the giver? When I reflect on this, God has already given me more than I could ask for. What is my gift to him? What is your gift to him? That prayer is always answered.

Prayer

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace:
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy.

O divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console,
to be understood as to understand,
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.
Amen.                                                                                                                                                   St. Francis

Preaching AT Your Feelings

“For whenever our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and he knows everything.” 1 John 3:20

“Everyone either has a problem, is a problem or lives with a problem.” Sam Shoemaker

Sigh… I don’t know about you, but when I have bad feelings about a person, situation or even myself, I tend to try and “positive think” my way to feeling better. That’ll fix me, the other or the situation! NOT! Do you feel grateful all the time? Do you feel belonging all the time? Do you feel joy all the time? Do you struggle with grief? Do you struggle with fear? So many feelings and not all feel good. Today, I’m struggling with Good Enough because I have a tendency to compare my work, walk, circumstances with others. Guess what? I always lose when I compare.

Speaking of losing… When I compare myself to my Savior, I lose. God is greater than my heart. He knows everything. These feelings are to be laid out before my Father. I get to “come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need.” Hebrews 4:16 NKJV

Musings

There is help when I’m frustrated with my feelings or any other trouble. He knows all about me anyway, so I’m laying it all out. Not for my Father’s benefit, but for mine. I obtain help, wisdom and grace from the greatest Counselor, instead of fighting the feelings.

Prayer

Thank you, Father, for even my feelings of fear, judgment, anxiety, failure and many more. My feelings are a clue to what needs attention. You accept me, like the hymn, Just as I Am. Even celebrities like Willie Nelson, Alan Jackson, even Air Supply sung these words:

Just as I am, though tossed about
With many a conflict, many a doubt;
Fighting within, and fears without,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come!

I come.

Amen.

SHAME

“When he saw the crowds, he had compassion on them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd.” Matthew 9:36

“Life is difficult. This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it.” M. Scott Peck, The Road Less Traveled.

Transcend: a: to rise above or go beyond the limits of b: to triumph over the negative or restrictive aspects of: overcome. Definition from Merriam-Webster Dictionary.

The challenge of our Black Sheepness is that it’s not one-and-done. We may slip into destructive behaviors again and again and again. There are days where we are harassed and helpless, especially days where we can’t see our good. Maybe that’s when it’s time for compassion—self-compassion. We have slipped into behaviors that we don’t like. Behaviors that don’t define us. Then the critical voices shout, “you’re no good! See?” “What a loser!” “I knew you’d relapse!”

I quit drinking after my husband’s death. It was very difficult. I wanted to isolate, which is always a red flag. I hated going out and seeing couples. I hated seeing couples that were traveling in their retirement years. Family reunions with couples and more couples flashing photos of their wonderful life. Couples in RVs. Couples camping, dancing, dinner out, not to mention holidays with the carols, food, twinkling lights and celebration.

Widowhood is a dark and lonely place for so many reasons and numbing it with whiskey was so tempting. I hated myself when grocery shopping and that awful store music would have me crying like a newborn. Someone cuts me off in traffic and I take it personally by fretting, shaking, yes, and crying.

I quit drinking. Started new behaviors. I exercised, met with like-minded sober people, went to lunch with fellow widows. Oh yes, church too. Then a blizzard came. It roared around my house. The power went out. It was out for 11 hours. When the roads were clear, I drove into town with my faithful dog, bought whiskey and dog treats, came home, under the covers in my bedroom with dog and drank. Lots. The next day I was hungover and full of shame. So, bought more whiskey and drank some more. Lots. What did I learn from this? How about some self-compassion? I made a mistake. I was still grieving. Still recovering from trauma of my husband’s disease. I was “harassed and helpless without a shepherd.” But self-recrimination never accomplishes anything good or worthwhile. I made a mistake. What a whopper of a mistake, for sure!  What was at the bottom of all of this? SHAME. Shame for still grieving. Shame I couldn’t do it all. Shame that I was envious of couples who still had a lovely life. Shame that I was so frightened during a blizzard and no power. Shame that I was helpless. Shame I was alive.

If I were self-compassionate, I would have understood the source of my shame. No, not widowhood. Not even relapsing. Not even guilt. It was shame that was imprinted in me from a very young age and continued throughout my life. Shame that screams at Black Sheep that you are wrong, you’re no good, worthless. Shame that proves all of this. Even in grief, shame is entangled.

I took this to my Father. He showed compassion toward me, which allowed me to have compassion for myself.

Musings

If you’ve had a major setback, take it to your Father. Ask him to show you compassion. Let him pour his grace on you. This opens the heart to forgive yourself and to start over. Starting over is Big.  We do it over and over in life. It’s how many times you get back up that builds character. Life is difficult.

Search through the Bible stories of some of the greats that had whopper mistakes. God worked through them. He will through you too. Life was difficult for them too.

Prayer

Thank you, Father, for this relapse. This mistake. This setback. Lapse in judgment. Thank you for your compassion and grace that makes me whole and ready to start again. Show me how this mistake, no matter how large, can be used by you. Your Word says: “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28. In partnership, let’s use this for good.

Amen

Abundance

ABUNDANCE

“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” John 10:10 NIV

“I want to know God’s thoughts; the rest are details.” Albert Einstein

An abundant life! Full life! Everyone’s idea of an abundant life is unique, special to them and God. But the Lord promises abundance in full. And the genius, Einstein, knows it’s God’s thoughts that provide this.

Anyone or anything that diminishes you as a person of God comes from the Thief who steals your abundance. It can get worse before it gets better. Anyone who diminishes you with gossip, threats, jealousy, passive-aggressiveness or bringing up the past are under the LAW and you’re allowing them to rob you. They are under the Thief’s control. Walk away. Say nothing.  Pray for you. Pray for them. Anything that diminishes you such as addictions, uncontrolled anger, greed, fear, anxiety, depression, You are under the Thief’s control. We could blame others, recall situations and resentments ad nauseum, but the truth is: we own it. We didn’t ask for this. We didn’t cause it. It’s ours anyway. Look at all the threats, name-calling and plots for death our savior endured. Anything we do that diminishes us hurts us and validates our bad, others’ projections, a destructive self-fulfilling role. So… do the same as our savior. Walk away. Say nothing. Pray for you. Pray for them.

Let’s have an abundant life! Sounds simple, and it is, but it’s challenging. Very. Worth it? Very.

Musings

Our lives are not a scavenger hunt scrounging for crumbs, bearing others’ projections and holding on to destructive behavior. Let’s ask, seek and knock through the Word, like-minded Christians, pastors/counselors, books and prayer to take into our hearts our worth. Our value. Let’s visualize our abundant life. The abundant loving and living will come. Abundant living is knowing my value, strengths and talents, which results in fulfilling relationships, successful living and most of all a “peace which surpasses all understanding.”

Prayer

Father, thank you for abundant living. Thank you for my Black Sheepness that has brought me to you. Thank you for your never-ending grace, which is in abundance. I surrender my Black Sheepness and wait with a tender heart for your fullness in me. It has been said that our greatest ministry comes from our greatest pain. I look forward, with your help, to your healing. Someday, with healing and partnership with you, I will bring another Black Sheep into the fold. Aren’t we all before you without the Son?

Amen

WE’RE ALL THE SAME SIZE

“For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God…” Romans 3:23

Another way to say this is: “We’re all the same size at the foot of the cross.”

No one is better than you. No one is worse than you. We all need forgiveness. Black Sheep just have a more acute sense of this. Because of our Black Sheepness, we realize how scarce nurturing, peace and wholeness are in our lives. We may end up abusing these gifts by “earning love.” You know, doing something that doesn’t jive with your values?  Saying “yes” when you mean “no.” Going somewhere you don’t fit. Doing something you know is wrong for you. It will backfire the minute you set boundaries. The minute you are unable or unwilling to meet another’s demands, here comes dissent! Manipulation. Put-downs. Possibly harm.

What’s a Black Sheep to do? If we are “earning love,” we have missed the point of Jesus and his grace. Even worse, we have become a victim. God has set us free from victim-hood. “You will know the truth and the truth will set you free.” Sometimes truth makes us miserable at first. However, He helps us to gain our individuality, dignity, integrity and confidence. Thank him for this. You may not feel thankful at this moment, but the feelings will come.

Musings

Reach out to someone stuck in Black Sheepness. Start a group of fellow Black Sheep to listen, encourage and uplift. We all need this. We all are the same size at the foot of the cross.

Prayer

Thank you, God, that I am “fearfully and wonderfully made.” So are other Black Sheep. Strengthen me to reach out to another Black Sheep. Help us to share your good news and to see ourselves as you do. “With Christ, nothing is impossible!”

Amen

Moving Toward or Away?

“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” 1 John 4:18 NIV

“We love because he first loved us.” 1 John 4:19 NIV

“Operating out of fear or love?”

Are we moving toward our Father or away from him? Am I operating out of fear or love? Thankfully, our Father operates out of love. He knows everything anyway, so take your fears to him.

You can always tell your spiritual health. Toward? Away?  Fear? Love?

When I’m hiding something, I’m moving away. It always means pain. If I’m anxious, worried, grouchy, isolating, you can bet I’m operating out of fear. You? Remember: Perfect Love drives out fear.

Even daily situations such as: An overdue bill? Criticism? Car repair? Kids? Spouse? Traffic? Rude people? Spill on your shirt? If we were to operate out of love, what would that look like?

As I write this, I feel tension. I think the daily things should be under my control. They rarely are. Even writing this encouragement, I’m thinking God, please give me your words and thoughts. Help me to move toward you.

How about those darn relationships? Kids pouting, needling, ignoring–If I were to operate out of love instead of fear (lack of control), what would that look like? Spouse hits you the minute you come through the door with a gargantuan list of problems, fatigue, gossip or frustration—if I were to operate out of love, what would that look like? Here’s the kicker! It takes honesty about ourselves, self-reflection, prayer, and a big dose of compassion. Sometimes the best thing is doing nothing with an attitude of grace. It’s not an overnight fix, but it’s a start.

Musings

“Let there be peace on Earth and let it begin with me.” That’s the way the song goes. Wish I could just sing a verse and all will be good. However, in order to be peaceful, I must move toward God who helps me, gently, to see my responsibility and release others to theirs. Am I operating out of love or fear? When I yell at the kids, roll my eyes at the spouse and other demeaning, yes, demeaning behaviors, I’m not being loving. I’m demeaning myself as well as others. Who can help? God, our Father.

Prayer

Father, I am grateful I can take all these daily frustrations to you. I am learning that I can’t even control myself. At these times, help me to see Perfect Love makes opening my heart to you makes me safe. Your gentle correction with me will pour into my daily frustrations. Help me to see with an open heart. Help me to forgive myself and learn. This helps me to forgive others.

Amen.

STORIES

“You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead, they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven” Matthew 5:15-16 NIV

 C.S. Lewis, the author of a Grief Observed, did not doubt the existence of God but started to believe the wrong things about God. A toxic God. Condemning God. Did we get this toxic belief perhaps from our home? Church? School?

Stories. I did this too, after the death of my husband from Lewy Body Dementia. It was incredible the stories I told myself during grief, especially about the nature of God. I think everyone who grieves thinks, “How could God do this to me?” “How could God take this person?” “Why did God allow this to happen?” Common stories of the Black Sheep too. Grief is involved.  I was no light of the world. More like Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh. And destructive behavior to prove it!

Then I remembered this in John 14:30, “I will not say much more to you, for the prince of this world is coming. He has no hold over me.” Who is the ruler of this world? Satan. And he tells me false stories about God, about others and about myself. However, he has no hold or power over Jesus, which means he has no power, true power, over me. Hope. Transformation.

Stories. We Black Sheep have been told false stories about ourselves since we were tots and it’s time to reject them with God’s help. Can you relate? “You’re a failure.” Find a time when you succeeded. I won a prize in the eighth grade for a short story. I was a very good skater. “You’re the reason for the problems in this family!”  I told stories to my sisters at night. I bought a little Christmas tree for our bedroom. “You’re stupid!”  I shared this with my high school counselor. She told me my IQ. It was quite high. “You’re ugly!” I wore the most despicable glasses in school. I cried nightly over this. “You’re fat!” You’re… fill in the blank. All lies. From the Father of Lies. The true Father considers the heart.

The hardest thing to do is to quit telling yourself these stories, participating in this brainwashing.  I find it helpful to use the Serenity Prayer. “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” This won’t happen overnight but it’s helpful first thing in the morning and last thing at night to ask our Father to show us the real story. He shows us what we can change. He cleans out our Black Sheep closet.

Musings

How might I shine for him? What are my qualities that make a difference? Ask for help from someone you trust and knows you. If no one, ask God to bring you this person.

Sometimes it’s pure heartache as God reveals the untruths said about you. That heartache is healing. Let it make space for the good to come. It will come.

Prayer

Thank you, Father, that you made me and I have a purpose for you and for me. Please remove my Black Sheepness with ‘courage to change the things I can.’ Show me in your Word, through others and prayer/meditation, new stories. Victorious stories. Help me to be transformed.

 Whenever I hear compliments or encouragements, please do not let me say, “yes, but…” Help me to take in my good. Your good. Help me to help another Black Sheep. Help me to build new stories in my heart and soul.

Amen