Giving Up When It Gets Tough–Character

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.” Galatians 5:22-23 NASB

“The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.” ― Martin Luther King Jr.

Character is a very tall order. I have not accomplished this by any stretch, but I made a list for myself and refer to it when making decisions, arguing, rationalizing, or hanging on to resentments.

 Character is who you are when nobody is looking.

Character is not dependent on feelings.

Character keeps going even when not popular.

Character apologizes and makes amends.

Character knows when to seek help and humbly asks for it.

Character shows up even when it doesn’t feel like it.

Character is humble. If I think I have it, I don’t.

Character relates to others and does not manipulate.

Character keeps commitments.

Character teaches through actions.

Character gives without thought of thanks or repayment.

Character doesn’t control.

Character has a purpose that lives on when gone.

Character is a daily and worthy goal.

Character grows, no matter the circumstances.

Tall order, which only Jesus did. I bet you have thoughts about character, too, which I have not considered.  There is so much to learn about character in the Bible–good and bad.

Musings

If one is stuck on how to have character, I think Emily Dickinson had it when she wrote:

 “If I can stop one heart

From breaking,

I shall not live in vain;

If I can ease one life from aching,

Or cool one pain,

Or help one fainting robin,

Unto his nest again,

I shall not live in vain.”  Character.

Prayer

Dear Father,

Godly character. What a worthy and lifetime goal. We may be elderly or very young. We may be disabled, widowed, sick, or isolated but character is still revealed. We may be successful, loved, and popular and character still peeks through.

Strengthen and encourage our character to come closer to Your Son’s.

With thanks,

Amen.

It Cuts Both Ways

“Train up a child in the way he should go, even when he grows older, he will not abandon it.” Proverbs 22:6 NASB

“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.” James Baldwin

Gotta say I internalized some very harmful images and beliefs from my mom. She had the power. She had sarcasm that could split a boulder and rip a child’s heart. She was the foundation and epitome of my Black Sheepness and eternal shame. There was physical abuse, but mostly emotional abuse. She trained me on how I would go, which was disastrous! It was unconscious! It was a pattern of abuse from her family tree—that’s my family tree, too. The cycle raged on. And rage it was. Of course, as a child, I had no clue. Dad was just absent. He brought home the paycheck, kept the home and cars going, and that’s how it was. He was present physically but not mentally or emotionally. They were flawed individuals with no grip on healthy ways of being in the world, but not of the world. They were in extreme pain. Their parents were, too. A vicious, dead-end cycle.

We may have no clue how valuable children are. No clue how precious they were. How precious you are.

Then I had my son. Like the proverbial pendulum, I went the other way from abuse to indulgence. Discipline was seen as abuse. However, I was seeking God, went to a faithful church, received counseling, and placed my son in a Christian school. The good: I modeled a work ethic, spiritual hunger and curiosity, worked with my son on homework, had fun like fishing, swimming, playing games. He met good men at the church who modeled fatherhood, confidence, accountability and affection. All was not lost. My son is a grown man now with a beautiful wife and family, a pillar in the community and loves fully. Perfectly? Heavens no! He needs grace as much as the next person. But the abuse cycle is broken.

It works both ways. Train up a child… Break the cycle.

Musings

We can train ourselves with our Father’s help. He longs to love us and make us more like his Son. We can train up our children with our Father’s help because he loves them and wants to make them more like His Son. Our Father has given us everything we need for “life and godliness.” Community.

Sometimes we need church parents to guide us. Sometimes we need to parent the church kids. Most of all, we need to believe in how loved we are and model that love to others, especially our children.

“We draw people to Christ not by loudly discrediting what they believe, by telling them how wrong they are and how right we are, but by showing them a light that is so lovely that they want with all their hearts to know the source of it.” Madeleine L’Engle

May we demonstrate with our children, coworkers, friends, acquaintances and ourselves.

Prayer

Dear Father,

No matter the childhood tragedies in our lives, help us to remember the Prodigal Son’s father as the picture of you. Help us to remember what the father said to the Prodigal, “My son, everything I have is yours.” Help us to remember the father embracing his son in front of all the religious elite. Help us to remember you are this father. May we live this with our families and teach them you’re always with them. We can’t always be with our children, but you can.

Thank you.

Amen.

Who is Driving Your Bus?

Who’s in Charge?

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD,” plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11

“People who need to control others don’t have control over themselves.” Unknown

I’ve heard the statement, “Who’s driving your bus?” from many Christian and secular speakers. I ask myself that question every day, especially when embarrassed, angry, frustrated, or dwelling in the past.

My sister traveled many miles to visit me, and when she returned home, she told my other sister that my curtains were dirty and gray. How could she gossip like that? How could she travel and focus on my dusty curtains? I was incensed! She took a long trip to be together, and my curtains were her focus. I told this sister and the other that related the information how small, how nitpicky, how uncaring. And blah, blah, blah. I proceeded to hurt myself and ruminate on it for days! I stepped in it. Her comment behind my back lived in my head rent-free. I took the comment personally and continued to hurt myself with it. Who’s in control? Do I value clean curtains over more important matters? Will it matter in eternity? Whose problem is it?

Mine. All mine. The battle within. Warring with the mind. The ego is in charge. The temper-tantrum wins. How much control do I have over people, places or things? Sibling relationships really test us. They may be the most instructive because they wound the most. Lesson learned.

I took the immature, tantrum-throwing me out of the driver’s seat and asked the Father to be in charge.Oh, and washed all my curtains. I asked the Father, “What is this really about?” It wasn’t curtains. It was dredging up all the negativity from my childhood, living in that muck again. Who wants to live like that? Time to let go and laugh.

Musings.

Every day is filled with choices—big choices and little choices. Who’s making the choice? The past, another, or the Father? How easily the wounded child takes over! How difficult to embrace and take in the love from the Father, especially when another is in our heads. That’s why there’s grace and practice. Relationships give us lots of practice. It’s the “iron that sharpens iron.” Relationships can be pleasant, joyful and rewarding, but they also reveal so much about our wounded past that needs to be accepted, healed and let go.  In this world, Everyone is wounded.

Prayer

Dear Father,

We thank you for our relationships. The most difficult relationships are the ones that teach us about ourselves. How we marvel at how much you love! We can be more effective, more joyful, more peaceful, more generous, and wiser when we meditate on how much You love us. Help us to do so today and love others.

Amen.

Feeling Deprived?

“Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us.” Ephesians 3:20 NASB

“The real spiritual journey is work. You can make a naïve assertion that you trust in Jesus, but until it is tested a good, oh, 200 times, I doubt very much that it’s true.” — Richard Rohr

I pass on dessert and I feel deprived.

I give up drinking and I feel deprived.

I budget my salary and I feel deprived.

I stay home to parent my child and I feel deprived of a career full of money, accolades, attention and notoriety.

I become a Christian and I feel deprived. Others think so too. Can’t do this and I can’t do that. Are you sure God will take care of you? Really? What about… fill in the blank. It comes and many times out of left field. It can be faith-shattering.

Am I deprived? Or just feeling like I am.

Deprivation lies are so easy to sink into. Deprivation lies grow into self-pity and/or self-centeredness, envy of some kind. It’s the battle in the mind and eventually the soul. I do feel deprived! It’s not true I’m deprived, but oh how it feels sometimes. We forget the so-called deprivations we choose are made to obtain something much greater like a healthier body, a child growing up loved and secure, and to become more like Christ now and eternally.

Musings

“Describing the limitations of the will,” psychoanalyst Leslie Farber notes, “I can will knowledge, but not wisdom; going to bed, but not sleeping; meekness, but not humility; scrupulosity, but not virtue; self-assertion or bravado, but not courage; lust, but not love; commiseration, but not sympathy; congratulations, but not admiration; religiosity, but not faith.” But God can.

Prayer

Dear Father,

You never promised an easy journey, but you did promise to never leave us. When we are feeling low, deprived, frightened, struggling with a problem, remind us of all the times you worked in our lives in the past, especially what your son did for us. Remind us of your promises for the future and help us to live fully today.

Amen.

Empathetic Witness

 The Absence of an Empathetic Witness

“Who will rise up for me against the wicked?
    Who will take a stand for me against evildoers?
Unless the Lord had given me help,
    I would soon have dwelt in the silence of death.
When I said, ‘My foot is slipping,’
    Your unfailing love, Lord, supported me.
When anxiety was great within me,
    Your consolation brought me joy. Psalm 94:16-19 NIV

“The greatest cruelty is our casual blindness to the despair of others.” Anonymous

Looked at carefully, willfulness is more against something than for something.  David G. Benner

The Absence of an Empathetic Witness was the title of an encouraging email I received. Makes tremendous sense!  Without one, life can be so cruel! This is why we “Survivors” (hate saying victims) seek help. WE NEED SOMEONE to witness our tragedies, abuses and failing health. Counselors, pastors, books, and friends all have their place in healing from trauma. We may not have complete healing here on Earth (thorn in the side?), but connection, belonging, loving, and being loved are available in abundance if we dare to seek them.

The Father is an empathetic witness, the Son is an empathetic witness, and the Holy Spirit is an empathetic witness, at any time and any place, 24 hours a day.

Included in the article were symptoms of lacking an empathetic witness, especially in childhood:

Physical problems include overeating, drinking, not sleeping or sleeping too much, being startled easily, and more.

Emotional problems like anxiety, avoiding people or situations, depression, and lack of hope are soul-crushing. They stick like powerful glue, and we don’t even know why. We need to know why.

Another symptom is doing too much people-pleasing. Always going, and if you stop, the world will end. Love will vanish. Belonging is no more. Boundaries are crossed again and again. We may be like a hamster on a wheel, but the hamster enjoys it—he was made for it. You are not a hamster. You are a beloved child of God.

Shame. From all-out efforts to manage the perceived faults in ourselves. We’re the worst! No one could possibly love us if they knew us.

How discouraging if we had to do this by ourselves, and thankfully, we don’t! Jesus encouraged us to “ask, seek, knock and we will find.” Seeking takes courage and work. It won’t be linear. Some days, you’ll knock it out of the park, and other days will seem like setbacks. Part of the process, journey, and character building. But as they say in AA, “Keep coming back. It works!” Just showing up is progress, especially with faith.

Musings

“I thank my God for you every time I think of you, and every time I pray for you all, I pray with joy because of the way in which you have helped me in the work of the gospel from the very first day until now. And so I am sure that God, who began this good work in you, will carry it on until it is finished on the Day of Christ Jesus. You are always in my heart!” Paul said this in Philippians and if Paul needed others to help him, we do too. I thank you and know you’re always in my heart.

Prayer

Dear Father,

We thank you for:

Loving us.

Being proud of us.

Helping us to say we’re sorry and counseling us.

For Listening.

For guiding us into what is our responsibility and what is not.

For encouraging us and showing us we have what it takes.

For being with us every minute of every day and not abandoning us.

For being the true Empathetic Witness.

Amen.

Fickle Feelings Lead to Bad Decisions

“The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?” Jeremiah 17:9 NASB

“You cannot solve a problem from the same consciousness that created it. You must learn to see the world anew.” – Albert Einstein

Most of the problems I’ve had were terrible decisions. Feelings were the determining factor and not critical thinking.

I feel like one more drink—wrong decision.

But this relationship feels right! Ignore the red flags.

I feel this is the house for me. Ignore the cost, taxes, and insurance. It’ll work out.

I feel unloved. So, I isolate and prove it’s true. Or lash out—who wants to be with that?

I feel like an imposter! So I act like a wimp and seek approval like a starving person. “Please tell me I’m okay.”

How many feelings do you have each day? I confess I have several. Anger, sadness, excitement, pride, boredom, despair, and many, many more. If I acted on my feelings alone, my life would still be a disaster! You?

Love can be a feeling, but it’s based on action. “By their fruit, you will know them.”

Hope can be a feeling. And this is confusing. Is it wishful thinking disguised as hope? A magic genie? Or trust, and my actions reflect that trust.

Is faith a feeling? Well, Abraham went out not knowing where he was going. Noah built an ark without knowing the endgame. I’m sure their feelings were mixed at best. There was probably some fear, anxiety, unsteadiness, wonder. But they did what they did in faith. That obedience thing.

Is joy a feeling? It can be mistaken for happiness, which is a feeling determined by circumstances outside ourselves. Circumstances outside of us will disappoint us, eventually. The new car? The perfect job? Yes, even the new spouse. Joy is rock-solid trust in our Father, knowing we are loved and knowing we’re okay, even when things are painful or confusing.

Sometimes, I feel needy. I manipulate others to take care of my feelings. Honesty/vulnerability would be much better. “I feel needy. Could we talk about it? Have you felt needy?”

Do I control others with worry? When I worry, I place a heavy burden on others. That doesn’t mean we don’t share, pray, or find assistance for a problem, but when I’m stuck worrying about the same thing over and over? Do I believe the more I worry that it proves my love? The more earnest my prayer is?

Control with anger? Ultimatums: “If you do this one more time, I’ll turn blue and stomp my feet. Then you’ll be sorry!”

God has feelings, too. Jesus in Gethsemane with sweat with blood, yet he continued with his mission out of love for his Father. I’m sure his feelings were beyond comprehension, despairing, and oh so painful. When he forgave from the cross, his feelings were not celebratory. In a perfect act of love, he suffered for us. Jesus mastered his emotions and deliberately chose obedience. In Hebrews, it says, “For the joy set before him, he endured the cross.”  Delayed gratification. Not my favorite thing to do.

Musings

Feelings are fickle! Sometimes they lie! Create all kinds of chaos if they’re not mastered. With help from our Father and the Holy Spirit, we master our feelings. It is a lifetime project for sure. Many times, it’s very unpleasant. When I was a child, I acted like a child, but now I’m a grown-up.

Good feelings come. They are wonderful! They are a blessing! God gave them to us. God has feelings, too. But… the good feelings come when I do the right thing. And it may be a long time before the good feeling comes. Will I stay faithful? I’m better, but I have a long, long way to go.

Prayer

Dear Father,

Thank you for feelings, the good ones and the unpleasant ones. Feelings can teach us, warn us, embrace us, lift us, and encourage us, but they can’t be trusted all the time. You can be. Help us to master our feelings and make wise decisions. Help us to be vulnerable with each other with loads of grace.

Amen.

Anger or Gentleness?

“He who is slow to anger is better than a warrior, and he who controls his temper is greater than one who captures a city.” Berean Standard Bible

“We need to be able to deal with doubt lovingly, helpfully, and especially without ever scolding or shaming anyone for doubting. We must allow people to be who they are and then be able to meet them where they are.”― from “The Allure of Gentleness: Defending the Faith in the Manner of Jesus”

A man, a neurosurgeon I respect said, “Anger brings company.” Oh! How true! Pausing to ask myself what this anger is trying to tell me is challenging because I’m all emotional when angry with little rational thought. Remember the phrase, “count to ten when angry, and if very angry count to 100?” So wise. Here are some of the companions to anger:

Defensiveness. Protecting our ego, caught in something troublesome, still working on shame issues—what is this anger trying to tell me?

Unfairness. Life will always be unfair. The perfect man was sent to the cross. Many good people have died helping and rescuing others. Diseases still annihilate even the good or young. This could be righteous anger that motivates us to action or giving.

Irresponsibility. Avoiding or denying my part. Even bad relationships are not entirely one person’s fault.

Doubt. Everyone has times of doubt. Atheists have doubts. Doctors have doubts. Parents have doubts. We are tested so that doubt may shrink and trust in the Father grows.

Denial. This is another convenient behavior that will leave us stranded. Most people in recovery grapple and, hopefully, overcome through their willingness to let go to a Higher Power.

Envy. Comparing ourselves to others will always bring us up short. There will always be someone smarter, richer or more attractive. Those aren’t the things that get us to be like Jesus. I believe the Pharisees envied Jesus, who had no advantage at all, all the way to the cross and resurrection.

Past real or perceived wounds. They need attention. Pray, talk to a wise friend or counselor and let go. Make a list of progress and talents.

Illness. My husband would get very angry during his last couple of years fighting Lewy body dementia and it could not be controlled. It was not his fault. Many times it was directed at me. Boy! Did I learn to practice gentleness? I lost a few times. This brings me to…

Compassion. For yourself. For others. With lots of prayer and self-reflection without ruminating. It’s funny how compassion works. When I am compassionate toward myself, there is room for compassion for others. It’s “what flows out of the heart…” It’s gentle. It’s forgiving. It’s empathetic. It real. It’s active love. It dismisses Anger’s devilish companions.

Musings

Someone said: “Notice it. Name it. Reframe it.” We need to pause, pray quickly, and ask ourselves, “What is this anger trying to tell me?” Sometimes it’s nothing except to walk away. Sometimes it is motivation to right a wrong like hunger, suicide or addiction. Sometimes it’s a warning light on some unconscious need, trauma or falsehood. The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit are always available to help.

Prayer

Dear Father,

Paul reminds us, “We do not fight against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.” It’s a challenge we often forget, which is why prayer is so crucial.

Help us to pause when angry and pause longer when very angry and let the Spirit take the lead. We ask and thank You for your constant counsel and help.

Amen.

You Belong

“I will call those who were not my people, ‘My people,’ and I will call her who was unloved,‘My beloved.’”Romans 9:25 NET

“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: “What! You too? I thought I was the only one!” C.S. Lewis

Being a Christian means we belong. We belong to one another. We belong to a king. We have a Wonderful Counselor. We have grace and freedom. We have a connection. We have love. We change.

 We belong!

My whole being was rejecting the daily mundane duties the other day.  My mind drifted off to high school.  Mind you, I haven’t thought about high school in years. They were extremely painful times of dramatic parents, dramatic me, and no connection or belonging. Someday I’ll share that. Why visit this time? Because there was a spot of joy. This spot of joy had been neglected for many, many years.

A sweet, shy, handsome Greek boy entered my mind. There isn’t even one celebrity that could compare to this young Greek!  My heart filled when I thought of him, back to art class in my senior year. The class was an hour I relished because of this deep, open, fun Greek student with whom I shared a table.  We shared so many things besides a table. He lost his mom at an early age. His parents emigrated from Greece. He felt awkward around girls. I shared my turbulent upbringing. How I hated liver and onions. Most of all we laughed at silly things. Our guard was down and we were authentic with each other. We winked at each other. We flirted. We laughed at our art projects that failed. Teased. I couldn’t believe girls weren’t stalking him! What a vibrant, caring, fun and lovely human being. We belonged.

Work and a personal crisis canceled my art class. We lost touch. Something very rare slipped away.  He was very shy. I was very distressed at that point in my life with responsibilities and utter confusion. We were no more.

Then he died. Age 18 years. He took his life. That permanent decision for a temporary problem. Belonging? Was that the issue? Belonging is as crucial to life as breathing. He didn’t want to breathe anymore. Of course, I wished I’d phoned him, shared more, gave him a caring note. Shock! What-ifs are devastating and hard to ignore.

I prayed about him and gave him to my father who loves this young man more than I did or do. I trust my father with him. Jesus died for him. He belonged and didn’t know it. May I be more aware of belonging for myself and others. I hope I see him again.

Musings

Belonging. Our father created us to belong. It’s as critical as our heartbeat. May we be brave enough to say, “What, you too? I thought I was the only one.” Slowing down and embracing what is and who is may prevent tragedy and enrich lives. Jesus invites us to his table. “Come! Eat and drink without cost.” We belong. There’s always room at his table.

Prayer

Father,

Thank you for the gift of belonging. Help us to reach out and be present. We don’t always know which soul needs a gentle touch, an authentic, listening ear or a warm embrace—belonging. The daily challenges sometimes blind us to what is truly essential for another and our souls. Jesus invited everyone to his banquet. May we do the same.

Amen

Weariness

Weariness

“Come to Me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is comfortable, and My burden is light.” Matthew 11:38-30 NASB

“Rest when you’re weary. Refresh and renew yourself, your body, your mind, your spirit. Then get back to work.” Ralph Marston

Some weariness is not ours to carry. Jesus promises rest and learning from His gentle and humble heart. How many of us have learned from a gentle and humble heart? Not many, or counselors would not be a growing profession! Books covering all kinds of life’s setbacks are everywhere.

Some weariness is from daily experiences such as work, commuting, paying bills, repairing appliances, and raising our children. Tedious work. I get tired looking at the list of responsibilities, but how fortunate am I to have the duties?

Another weariness experience is resentment, usually holding onto the past and living there. Time to live somewhere else. A place that is comfortable and light.

How about carrying what is not yours? Other people’s behaviors are not ours, though it sure seems like it when our heart is broken by their problems. It hurts to see others suffer, even by their own choice. Continuing prayer to release them to the Father is the best choice. He will help us even if we don’t understand. Many times we won’t.

Time for gratitude. Don’t wait to feel grateful.  Jesus promises to teach us with a gentle and humble heart. What a gift! It may come from a dear friend, counselor, book, or special class. It may come with a “peace that surpasses all understanding.” But it comes if we discipline ourselves with gratitude. I pray before I pay my bills thanking Him for providing enough to meet my needs and give to others. Have I ever run short? Yes. But peace comes and somehow, looking back, the bills were paid, and a bit extra to give to charity/church and a little extravagance like a movie or dinner with family or friends.

Musings

God cannot and will not lie. When He says He will give rest and teach with a gentle and humble heart, He will. We learn to do the same.

Prayer

Dear Father,

How weary Your Son must have been traveling through dusty deserts, cold nights, judgmental Pharisees, and faithless disciples! Yet, He was thankful and faithful. Please help us to do the same without depending on feelings. We know we’ll find peace and rest, especially if we’re thankful.

Amen.

Let Go or be Dragged

“Now may the God of peace Himself sanctify you completely, and may your entire spirit, soul, and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. The One who calls you is faithful, and he will do it.” 1 Thessalonians 5:24

“Let go and let God.”

And don’t let go of God.

I have let go of some very destructive things in my life such as toxic people, addictions, and worship of money and status. But the hardest to let go is control.  The “I’m in control” has hurt me more times than I can count and dragged me away from my Father! There is very, very, very little I can control. This is a hard lesson and a huge relief!

When I feel anxious, troubled, exhausted, and fearful, there’s something I’m trying to control, and it may not be my responsibility. It may be God’s. It’s time to reframe my thoughts and trust him.

The blizzard that ripped through my area shook me. Fear consumed me. The power was out. The house was cold. My mind imagined so many horrible things as the wind howled. Fear dragged me around like a limp rag doll so I succumbed to my fear. “He will keep you in perfect peace…”   was in my mind and heart but…

Tremendous anxiety consumed me. Peter started walking on the water in the midst of the storm and he too started to sink.

Musings

Until Jesus comes back, the Prince of this World will torment us, especially the lovers of God. We don’t want to be dragged under or away, so we let go and let God be God in trust. It isn’t easy. We will have many times in our lives when this lesson is front and center. Is it because God cares more about our character than we do?

Prayer

Dear Father,

Your son was not dragged away but He still chose a filthy, rugged, and humiliating cross for our sake. It was a dark, despairing, frightening and lonely time. Three days later, there was great joy! Help us to remember this when struggling with life’s problems and temptations. Help us to not be dragged away from you.

Amen