Pain is Inevitable, Suffering is Optional

We’ve heard this saying. It’s true.

“He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.” Ecclesiastes 3:11 NIV

“People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within.” Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

An ugly flower bulb is planted, and it becomes a beautiful flower. The earrings I cherish came from a grain of sand that irritated an oyster. My son was created in darkness, labor pains, and then he was born. A rainbow shines brightly with promise after the storm. The beloved savior, broken and dead, now lives. We live! Extraordinarily beautiful!

A lovely friend and I had a conversation. Her 20-something son committed suicide over a year-and-a-half ago. She had it rough! Despair, agony, extreme sorrow, and guilt were her companions from Christmas until now. She still has days of pain and tears, which she shares with her friends, fellow sufferers, and family. Her beauty is vulnerability. Sharing her journey of guilt, darkness, and resolve with others. Picking up parenting duties of her little grandchildren, her son left behind—with joy and pride. She is beautiful inside and out.

And God has promised to dry every tear, and there will be no more pain, suffering and death in heaven. Beautiful. Beautiful in its time.

But we’re not there yet. Some things make no sense. “We see in a mirror darkly.” I grope for the mirror during baffling times.

God brings beauty from some of our most painful experiences. Addictions? Yes. Trauma? Yes. Death? Yes. In its time. In partnership with God and each other. It is possible to carry pain and joy at the same time.

Musings

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. May we focus and try to see as our Father sees. May we behold him. Even in my friend’s suffering, there was still something to hold and cherish. Bubbles and conversation with her family while washing the dishes; the joy and pride of her grandchild who drew a picture for her; a warm bowl of homemade soup with a listening friend; her horse; and nature rides. “He has not left us as orphans.” May we see with our Father’s eyes and heart. It may take a long time, but He will wait and encourage.

Prayer

Dear Father,

We see the beauty of Jesus in his suffering, especially this time of year, and we see eternity because your son lives. He lives in us. He keeps us from stumbling, grasping in the dark, giving up. Redeem our pain for your glory, for others.

Amen.

Help Those Suffering Through the Holidays

Helping Another Through Grief and Trauma Through the Holidays

“The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed,
    a stronghold in times of trouble.
Those who know your name trust in you,
    for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you.” Psalm 9:9-10 NIV

“Trauma is perhaps the most avoided, ignored, belittled, denied, misunderstood, and untreated cause of human suffering.” Dr. Peter Levine

There is no such thing as going back to normal after a tremendous loss: No. Such. Thing.

Death of a loved one

Victim of a crime

War

Bankruptcy

Career loss

Terminal/chronic illness

Addiction

Natural disasters

Divorce – children suffer too

Abuse

If you want to help someone who has experienced a tremendous loss, let’s bust some common and harmful things right now!

Quoting scripture: Band-Aids on an amputation and dismissive. Scripture is wonderful and true, but that’s not what’s needed right away. Please. It just adds salt to the wound. For instance, the hurting person will hear: “If you were a better Christian… If you just had faith…” Don’t. Just don’t. They need “companioning.” Be with them. Assure them you’re there.

“He’s with God now.” This means making God the villain of another’s loss. This leaves the bereaved suffering and feeling even lonelier and hopeless—”Even God has left me and taken my loved one.”

“At least you have other children.” One of the cruelest things to say, and it hurts the children still alive. No one can be replaced. If you lost your leg and someone said, “Well, at least you have another leg,” how would you feel? Again, dismissive and hard.

“God never gives you more than you can handle.” This one drives me nuts! It was used when I was caring for my husband with Lewy body dementia. My Father did not give this! He is not the author of disease!  He did not give my husband dementia. The Liar and Murderer did. But God can handle everything and promises to help. God knows I couldn’t handle this, so prayer, wise and caring friends, and support groups are essential. He wants to help and rescue—sometimes through others and sometimes through the Spirit.   Paul frequently healed others, but it was Luke, a gentile doctor, who attended to Paul’s wounds. (See Acts.)

“Well, at least he’s still with you.” Wrong, wrong, wrong again! I lost pieces of my hubby day after day after day.  He died daily. Those with spouses, children, or relatives with an addiction lose them piece by piece, day after grueling day. Always on alert for the next disaster. Ask a dementia caregiver or a parent with an addicted child. Are they really with you? Did you lose pieces of yourself along the journey?

“Well, at least you have each other.” How many hurricane survivors are jumping for joy on that one? They lost their entire fortunes, homes, mental health, faith, and much more. It may be true that they have each other, but the shock settles in. Their way of life is gone! Their friends are gone! Their church building is gone—more grueling days, months, or years ahead, leading to financial ruin.

AND THE MOST HURTFUL ONE EVER!!!!

Everything happens for a reason: Yes, yes it does. Here’s the reason: Evil in this world. This world is not our home. Remember when Job lost everything and his friends visited him and grieved with him? They were a comfort until they opened their mouths and decided that Job must have done something wrong to have experienced the tragedies he did. Remember, Job was a righteous man beloved by God. Don’t hurt a person’s conscience and heart with this one.

Please do this…

Prayer, arms, listening ears, running errands, a homemade meal, or a personal gift can lift the hurting and give hope. Say validating things like: “This is really tough! You are going through a nightmare. What can I do to help you? Tell me more.” And listen. Be an Empathetic Witness. Ask our Father to open our hearts to see theirs. Jesus said many times, “What can I do for you?” Then he did it. We need to follow his way.

Musings

It’s so sad and destructive the trite sayings we trot out to those with agonizing losses. I’ve been guilty. We do this because we feel awkward or afraid we’re next. But Jesus showed us a much better way: Ask. Validate. Affirm your love. Companion. Love.

Prayer

Dear Father,

We are to weep with those who weep. We all will weep one day. We don’t want to be “Sunshine Christians” who only believe and give when it’s easy and pleasant. Help us to be “Sonshine Christians.”

With thanks, we go onward with your grace, transformation, love, and hope.

Amen.

Ease Off the Gas Pedal!

Especially During the Holidays!

“In peace I will both lie down and sleep,
For You alone, Lord, have me dwell in safety.” Psalm 4:8 NASB

“When we work from a place, I believe, that says ‘I’m enough,’ then we stop screaming and start listening, we’re kinder and gentler to the people around us, and we’re kinder and gentler to ourselves.” Brene Brown

How do you talk to yourself when you’re in the middle of planning, hurrying, and paying for the holidays? Do you stress seeing certain individuals? And the money… It’s been tough for so many of us, and we would do anything to make a lovely and full holiday with all the eats, presents and fun, except it costs… A lot!

Three things I know for sure:

  1. God loves us
  2. God accepts us
  3. We become more like his son.

Why do we insist on beating ourselves unmercifully? Childhood dysfunctions, tragedies, and mistakes; learning a new task; work fears; advertising —bombarding our ears, minds, and hearts daily. Pour the holidays over this, and it can be brutal.

Today and every day, especially during the holidays, ease up on yourself. Stop. Breathe. Thank God that you are loved. Thank him for those you love, and for those who love you. Watch how much this transforms you and your loved ones.

Musings

Being a good and gracious steward of God’s personal and unique gifts is a tremendous responsibility. It starts with how we speak to ourselves —beloved child of God. Let us talk to ourselves as a best friend would with wise counsel, love and compassion. Maybe a good friend or family member can help us.

Prayer

Dear Father,

When we are overcome and overwhelmed by our “bad,” remind us that we are loved unconditionally. We so often depend on our good feelings to determine our value. Help us remember that we can’t change without asking for your help.  Help us to let go and let You into all things, especially during the holidays, with gratefulness.

Amen.

Help the Grieving Through the Holidays

“The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed,
    a stronghold in times of trouble.
Those who know your name trust in you,
    for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you.” Psalm 9:9-10 NIV

“Trauma is perhaps the most avoided, ignored, belittled, denied, misunderstood, and untreated cause of human suffering.” Dr. Peter Levine

There is no such thing as going back to normal after tremendous losses: No. Such. Thing.

Death of a loved one

Victim of a crime

War

Bankruptcy

Career loss

Terminal/chronic illness

Addiction

Natural disasters

Divorce – children suffer too

Abuse

If you want to help someone who has experienced a tremendous loss, let’s bust some common and harmful things right now!

Quoting scripture: Band-Aids on an amputation and dismissive. Scripture is wonderful and true, but that’s not what’s needed right away. Please. It just adds salt to the wound. For instance, the hurting person will hear: “If you were a better Christian… If you just had faith…” Don’t. Just don’t. They need “companioning.” Be with them. Assure them you’re there.

“He’s with God now.” This means making God the villain of another’s loss. This leaves the bereaved suffering and feeling even lonelier and hopeless—”Even God has left me and taken my loved one.”

“At least you have other children.” One of the cruelest things to say, and it hurts the children still alive. No one can be replaced. If you lost your leg and someone said, “Well, at least you have another leg,” how would you feel? Again, dismissive and hard.

“God never gives you more than you can handle.” This one drives me nuts! It was used when I was caring for my husband with Lewy body dementia. My Father did not give this! He is not the author of the disease!  He did not give my husband dementia. The Liar and Murderer did. But God can handle everything and promises to help. God knows I couldn’t handle this, so prayer, wise and caring friends, and support groups are essential. He wants to help and rescue—sometimes through others and sometimes through the Spirit.   Paul frequently healed others, but it was Luke, a gentile doctor, who attended to Paul’s wounds. (See Acts.)

“Well, at least he’s still with you.” Wrong, wrong, wrong again! I lost pieces of my hubby day after day after day.  He died daily. Those with spouses, children, or relatives with an addiction lose them piece by piece, day after grueling day. Always on alert for the next disaster. Ask a dementia caregiver or parent with an addicted child. Are they really with you? Did you lose pieces of yourself along the journey?

“Well, at least you have each other.” How many hurricane survivors are jumping for joy on that one? They lost their entire fortunes, homes, mental health, faith, and much more. It may be true that they have each other, but the shock settles in. Their way of life is gone! Their friends are gone! Their church building is gone. More grueling days, months, or years ahead, leading to financial ruin.

AND THE MOST HURTFUL ONE EVER!!!!

Everything happens for a reason: Yes, yes it does. Here’s the reason: Evil in this world. This world is not our home. Remember when Job lost everything and his friends visited him and grieved with him? They were a comfort until they opened their mouths and decided that Job must have done something wrong to have experienced the tragedies he endured. Remember, Job was a righteous man beloved by God. Don’t hurt a person’s conscience and heart with this one.

Please do this…

Prayer, arms, listening ears, running errands, a homemade meal, or a personal gift can lift the hurting and give hope. Say validating things like: “This is really tough! You are going through a nightmare. What can I do to help you? Tell me more.” And listen. Be an Empathetic Witness. Ask our Father to open our hearts to see theirs. Jesus said many times, “What can I do for you?” Then he did it. We need to follow his way.

Musings

It’s so sad and destructive the trite sayings we trot out to those with agonizing losses. I’ve been guilty. We do this because we feel awkward or afraid we’re next. But Jesus showed us a much better way: Ask. Validate. Affirm your love. Companion. Love.

Prayer

Dear Father,

We are to weep with those who weep. We all will weep one day. We don’t want to be “Sunshine Christians” who only believe and give when it’s easy and nice. Help us to be “Sonshine Christians.”

With thanks, we go onward with your grace, transformation, love, and hope.

Amen.

If I Say Yes, What Am I Saying No To?

“Suppose one of you wants to build a tower. Won’t you first sit down and estimate the cost to see if you have enough money to complete it?” Luke 14:28 NIV

“Half of the troubles of this life can be traced to saying yes too quickly and not saying no soon enough.” Josh Billings

If I say yes to driving drunk, what am I saying no to?

If I say yes to overeating, what am I saying no to?

If I’m pleasing others, what am I saying no to?

If I choose to get even, what am I saying no to?

If I fly off the handle, what am I saying no to?

If I say yes to God, what am I saying no to?

If I’m controlling another, what am I saying no to?

All of life really is a choice. We choose to be married and say no to others who may tempt us. We decide to have children and say no to our time and finances.  We choose to get help, or we flounder, suffer, and hurt others. We choose what we will be like every day, contribute, love, and lift up.

There are many choices between our birthdate and our death date recorded on a cold stone, in an obituary, or on an urn. God gives us these choices and our consequences. When we say yes, we’re always saying no to something. We do it daily. There is no insignificance in our lives.

Musings

Most of life is simple: showing up, being consistent, and thinking of others. Are we living out of fear or love? If we say yes to fear, here comes anxiety, manipulation, aggression, isolation and more. God has reassured us many times not to be afraid. He is here—always. If we say yes in partnership with Christ, we become more like him and live in and with love. We participate in his divine nature.

Prayer

Dear Father,

Thank you for saying yes to us before the foundation of the world. We say yes to you in thankfulness and awe. May we say yes with our actions, words, and resources in your peace and love.

Amen.

The Green Monster

Comparing Leads to Envy

“Don’t compare yourself with others. Just look at your own work to see if you have done anything to be proud of. You must each accept the responsibilities that are yours.” Galatians 6:5-6 ESV

“Don’t compare your weakness to their strength.” – Nitin Namdeo

Harmful. For you and the other person.

Dismissive. Of you and the other person.

Lacks compassion, empathy, healing, or growth for you and the other person. A relationship killer.

Feels good, perhaps, but accomplishes nothing for anybody, except envy and strife. Many things that feel good are not good.

Comparing always lacks information that is not our business. It’s between them and their Father, who knows all.

You’re giving someone, probably a figment of your imagination, space in your head rent-free that harms you. It won’t hurt them a bit.

We have no idea what a person has gone through to get where they are. None. I envied someone with lots of money, who still had their spouse, until I found out they lost a child to addiction. They would trade their money for their child.

Comparing keeps us focused on the wrong things, and not on the right things—who we are becoming in Christ.

Some compare losses as if one loss is greater than another. “I lost my mom.” “I lost my hamster.” Yes, this happens frequently because we’re all at different stages in our walk. Let go. Don’t let someone’s ignorance or awkwardness harm you.

What good is comparing in any form? Shall I compare my loss of my husband to a veteran who has lost his legs? The great losses of natural disasters to a domestic abuse victim? They are all devastating.

Comparing my success is just as futile. My idea of success is raising a loving and healthy family, while another is joining Samaritan’s Purse. Which person is more successful? It reminds me of 1st Corinthians, where there was big trouble! Tongues or prophecy? Teaching or evangelizing?  Paul says, “The greatest is love.” Be watchful of comparing. Put the focus on loving and see what happens.

Whether a believer or not, I find Galatians 6:4-6 very wise counsel: “Don’t compare yourself with others. Just look at your own work to see if you have done anything to be proud of. You must each accept the responsibilities that are yours.”

Musings

Here’s a wake-up call: “We all fall short of the glory of God.” The beautiful thing is that when we surrender to not comparing, our Father shows us things we didn’t know about ourselves that are essential and life-giving. After all, he made us.

Prayer

Dear Father,

It’s true. Compared to your son, we fall terribly short. With him, we become like him with no comparison. Remind us that the most significant accomplishment is love.

Help us remember, when comparing to others, that we don’t know the whole story. Please help us refocus on you, where success truly lives. You made us all with unique talents, goals, and accomplishments, designed just for us and for your glory.

Amen.

You Are Not a Mistake

But You Will Make Some

“Though he falls, he will not be overwhelmed, for the Lord is holding his hand” Psalm 37:24 BSB

“The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing.” C. S. Lewis

On my birthday, I received a gift that says, “Youth is a gift. Age is an art.” Boy! I took that to heart! So many of my youthful days were filled with optimism, fun, good health, and the perpetual myth that life should be and will be fair. I’ll meet “the one,” and we will live with rainbows and unicorns. Somehow, grace covered all the youthful mistakes in my thinking and acting. True to life, they were the building blocks of my faith and successes.

Now, I’m much older with different losses, pain, learning experiences, and disappointments galore. I wake up and my legs are a bit stiff. I think going anywhere after 9:00 p.m. is a waste of time, especially if I have a good book or an inspiring movie. I look at my granddaughters and see the very same ideas, hopes, and optimism that I had in my youth. They’re making many of the same mistakes I made. They cry over the similar situations I had. And their optimism is sky high.  High expectations of others and themselves are a crushing lesson, but necessary. They’re sure they can change the world. Their energy is boundless. Their expectations are high, and disappointment reigns. Adulting is tough work!

 Mistakes will be made, but you’re not a mistake. Others are not a mistake.

This is what my grandmother did. She smiled when I would go off on an emotional tangent. She would set out cookies and coffee. She would embrace. She somehow knew it would be all right, and she was such a comfort, without a word or judgment.  I would ask her what to do, and she would tell a story from her past, leaving me to decide whether to take it in. It sure does now! Through her personhood, she showed me grace and safety, with the assurance that all will work out. She knew the building blocks of success are mistakes—sometimes biggies!  

It’s Hands Off with Love. Detachment with love. Prayer is highly recommended.

It’s recognizing we’re all unique but susceptible to the same entanglements, mistakes, and disappointments. And I may not learn from your mistakes. They may not learn from your mistakes. But they will keep trying if they have love.  I think that’s true for most of us. I know by MY mistakes. Hard knocks! It’s a gift that seems like punishment, but it’s a gift.

Musings

To laugh often and much;

To win the respect of intelligent

People and the affection of children

To earn the appreciation of honest

Critics and endure the betrayal of false

Friends, to appreciate beauty, to find

The best in others; To leave the world

A bit better, whether by a healthy child,

A garden patch or a redeemed social

Condition: To know even one life has

Breathed easier because you have lived.

This is to have succeeded—Ralph Waldo Emerson

Mistakes will be made.

Prayer

Dear Father,

Thank you for grace, along with the joys, disappointments, and work that cover us when we make mistakes. It’s such an affirmation of your work in us. It’s grace that keeps us going. Progress.

We read in your Book about the many mistakes your people made. We’re making them too, thousands of years later, but your grace, love, and pursuit keep us faithful in hope, faithful in perseverance, and faithful in love.

And thank you for the transformation that is taking place in us today.

Amen.

You Have a Place at the Table

Reserved just for you!

“Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.” Psalm 23:5-6 KJV

“Holding anger is a poison. It eats you from the inside. We think that hating is a weapon that attacks the person who harmed us. But hatred is a curved blade. And the harm we do, we do to ourselves.” Mitch Albom, The Five People You Meet in Heaven

Not everyone deserves you. Not everyone will like you. Many will gossip about you. Some will try to use you. Some will use you as a dumping ground for their emotions. Hurting people hurt people, the saying goes, even and especially family. That doesn’t mean you are another’s punching bag.

My father and stepmother were highly successful in their careers and in the church. Money and status were theirs. They taught me a powerful, humiliating and painful lesson.

My husband and I were invited to dinner at their house. My dad grilled steaks, and wine was served; the table was lovely. Then my stepmother proceeded to gossip and denigrate my sisters, their spouses, and children who were not present. “How can he be a manager of a car dealership? How awful!” “How can it be acceptable to have tattoos?” “How can she be so overweight?” “Their house is so small; are they financially strapped?” My father heartily agreed and participated in this cruel, gossipy and destructive conversation. Expensive steak and wine turned to sawdust in my mouth. Tears crept out of my eyes. A huge, painful lump was in my heart and throat. If they talk about my siblings this way, think what they’re saying about me, my spouse and my children.

My husband and I looked at each other. We got up, went to the car, and did not say a word before driving away. We sadly shook the dust off our feet. We embraced each other. Reflected on our actions and words—wake-up call. Two adults who were members of a local church, golf club, and Meals on Wheels chose to tear the heart and soul out of their own family members. Is this rare? Sadly, no. Many of you have experienced this to a greater or lesser degree. Cheap and easy. Always Cruel.  

By the way, my dad’s last words were, “I’m so sorry.”

Musings

We always have a seat at Jesus’ table. Shaking the dust off our feet means no drama, no arguing, no threatening, no explaining. It doesn’t do any good anyway—they are not ready. But more importantly, do not make another’s cruelty yours. Do not let it live in your heart and soul. It’s not yours. It’s theirs. Pray over it and let go, letting God, while moving on to others who are receptive.

Prayer

By St. Francis of Assisi

Lord, make me an instrument of Your peace; 
Where there is hatred, let me sow love; 
Where there is injury, pardon. 
Where there is doubt, faith; 
Where there is despair, hope; 
Where there is darkness, light; 
And where there is sadness, joy. 

O Divine Master,
Grant that I may not so much seek
To be consoled as to console; 
To be understood, as to understand; 
To be loved, as to love; 
For it is in giving that we receive, 
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned, 
And it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life. 

Amen.

Transformation and Testing

“Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.” Romans 12:2 ESV

“We don’t find our real selves by looking for it; we find it by looking for God.” David G. Benner

Real change is hard. Transformation is miraculous. Any change I have attempted without genuine, gut-level trust in God’s love has never stuck. In fact, I went backward. Even in profound grief. We may make changes through self-help and other support, but transformation is the real thing! A way of being. In fact, transformation doesn’t happen for me until I know how deeply loved I am. It starts there and is never fully accomplished. Here anyway.  Do I feel it? Sometimes in spectacular ways. Sometimes not at all.

Without seeking God and his love, I go back to toxic people, places and things. When I don’t feel loved (I’m one of those people who feel things deeply), seeking immediate relief is my Achilles’ heel. I envy practical, rational people!

I had a difficult phone call with one of my siblings yesterday. She wants me to come visit. I don’t want to. I started beating myself up with what if she gets sick, what if we never see each other again, what if I’m a selfish person (I am, aren’t we all?) But then I sat with these painful feelings and went to God. First, no judgment. None. Second, I was aware of my desire not to go. Third, understanding. My past visits were traumatic: dying parents, long eight-hour drives one way, trying to find people to check in on my terminally ill husband, and some emotionally devastating events, and accusations when I arrived.

There were kind moments. Fun moments. Lots of drinking moments. But I did not feel loved. I felt dismissed, hurt, and scared because I should have been with my ill husband, even though my parents were sick too. No blame. Everyone was doing the best they could. Yet, yesterday, I gave it to my Father. He reassures me. I know I’m deeply loved. I know that at the right time and with the right words and actions, all will be well. I may never visit. I may. In the meantime, I seek God as I would a wise counselor, placing all my trust in him. All of this will be transformed into his plan. I will be transformed.

Musings

Seeking God with no judgment, but rather with observation and awareness, is a transformative and genuine experience. He so deeply loves us that we can seek him without all the judgments, excuses, hiding, anxieties, and guilt that others and ourselves dump on our weary selves.

Awareness. Observation. Seeking Him. May we practice this in all situations. And it will take practice. But remember, we are deeply loved, no matter what.

Prayer

Father,

Thank you for so deeply loving us that our souls can be naked before you. There are no recriminations, punishments, judgments, agendas, manipulations, expectations, or threats—just awareness and acceptance with grace. We imperfect people truly desire your love and the transformation that comes with it. We seek you first in all things.

Amen.

Hope For the Dementia Caregiver

Or, Caregiver for the Terminally Ill

Barbara Hinther, author of Meditations and Encouragement for the Caregiver of a Loved One With Dementia

“When you cross deep rivers,
I will be with you,
    And you won’t drown.
When you walk through fire,
You won’t be burned
    Or scorched by the flames.

3 I am the Lord, your God,
the Holy One of Israel,
    The God who saves you. Isaiah 43:2-3

There are 12-step programs for alcohol, drugs, co-dependence, gambling, and more, but I used the 12-step program, especially the first three, to cope with my husband’s Lewy Body Dementia. The 12 steps are based on a spiritual program and complement the scriptures very well, especially when dealing with a terminal disease like dementia. I used the 12-step program and some of its suggestions to navigate this darkness.

  1. Admitted we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable. I substituted the word alcohol with the frightening word, dementia. We are powerless. Dementia does make life very unmanageable. God is with us.
  2. Came to believe that a Power (I inserted God) greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. The dementia caregiver doubts their own sanity while navigating this horrible and terminal illness, especially at the end of the journey
  3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understand him. This is very difficult! My will was to have a healthy and present spouse. God’s will is never for harm. Our enemy is. The enemy has been called the Father of Lies and a murderer. Faith will be tested. This is the heartbreak of living in a Fallen World.

Notice that these first three steps focus on your emotional, physical, and spiritual health first and foremost. It must be! Your loved one needs a healthy caregiver. As has been said on countless airplanes before departure, put your oxygen mask o first. These first three steps give us a foundation and faith to cope.

Caring for your loved one with dementia, like the 12-step program, is a one-day-at-a-time process. Again, it must be! We must live in the present. There is a popular book, The 36-Hour Day, which describes the practical challenges of dementia caregiving. Our days are 36 hours or more!

The financial worries, the decision to commit your loved one to a care home or hospice, the midnight crises are to too much to take on alone. God walks with you. You can’t always feel his presence, but he’s there. God cares for you, so turn all your worries over to him. 1 Peter 5:7

The 12-step program also stresses outside help. With the isolation due to caregiving, help is still available. One may contact their local Office on Aging, hospital or care home social worker, websites and online blogs. I visited many dementia blogs and websites in the middle of the night and would receive love and support from other dementia caregivers from all over the world. Did it fix the situation? No. However, we can keep going knowing we are loved and we’re not alone.

But you will be alone more than you realize. Your friends and family may feel awkward and even afraid of your loved one’s illness. This happened with the demon-possessed and those with leprosy that Jesus healed. They don’t want to acknowledge that in this fallen world, this could happen to them. It has nothing to do with you. Don’t take it on. Enlist their help. They’ll feel relieved and glad to support in the way that they can. For instance, they can pick up prescriptions or groceries. Mow the lawn. Babysit your loved one so you can take a well-deserved nap. Pick up some takeout. Provide transportation to the doctor.

Ask a trusted, nonjudgmental friend to listen to you. Not fix the situation. They can’t.  They can be a companion in your dementia journey. They become an Empathetic Witness. They may not know what to say. That’s okay. Sharing your experience and feelings helps educate our communities, churches and synagogues. It reminds the community just how isolating caregiving can be. They, too, may be there someday. Sharing your story sheds light on the unique and stressful challenges of being a caregiver. I had an older, faithful dog that listened and comforted, too. Don’t discount the help of a faithful pet.

Local churches are willing to help. Fear of being overwhelmed by well-meaning converts may cause you to hesitate. Choose a faith/church you are somewhat familiar.

Keep a journal. You may share it with another caregiver someday. The best healers are wounded healers. Our Savior was wounded for our sakes and can relate to your suffering.

You will be on alert. Frazzled. PTSD-like. Tempted to drink too much, shop too much, eat too much and more—anything for immediate relief. When you do, forgive yourself, love yourself, have compassion for yourself and pray.

Forgive, when you are able, those who abandon you. It happens. That’s another unforeseen challenge that often happens to caregivers. You don’t want to add resentment to your trial.

The Serenity Prayer is another help I used, courtesy of the 12-step program. I used it daily and sometimes hourly. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage (and it takes lots of courage) to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Until there is a cure, my heart and prayers are with you, fellow caregivers.