Prayers and Musings of a Black Sheep

Anger at God

Angry at God?

“Why is light given to a man whose way is hidden,

Whom God has hedged in?

For my sighing comes instead of my bread,

and my groanings are poured out like water.

for the thing that I fear comes upon me,

and what I dread befalls me.

I am not at ease, nor am I quiet.

I have no rest, but trouble comes.” Job 3:23-26 NIV

“Do I really want God or do I merely want relief?” C. S. Lewis

I want relief. I have to be honest. It may come again because life is difficult.

Anger at God has been experienced by many Christians. I am one. Here are some reasons for those who admit they’ve been angry at God. Death of a loved one. Yes, I, too, have raised a spiritual fist at the Father, and the guilt I felt just added to the despair. I think of the many military spouses and children who have lost their loved ones and blame the government, enemies, but the hard and bitter truth to face is that the Father allowed it. He could have stopped it. He didn’t.

Addictions. The Father heals. The Father did not heal some. Why? How could you? Enter doubt. Enter questioning yourself and the Father. Could I have done better? Anything?

Illness. As a weary caregiver, I was angry. My husband was angry and frightened until Lewy body dementia took its place. Where are You, Father? “Yea, though I walk through the shadow of the Valley of Death, I will fear no evil.” I feared. I shook. I cried and cried. Sleep was scarce and interrupted.

Abandonment. This could be parents, friends, spouses, churches, even governments, or a sudden company layoff.How about war?

Financial ruin. There are so many ways money is plucked away from illness, to robbery, foolishness, addictions, or identity theft.

Some who claim not to believe in God may be angry at Him. Those who have turned their back on God may still have faith; they’re angry and can’t bring themselves to face this. It feels wrong. I know of a woman whose daughter joined a religious cult, and she and her husband tried everything to bring their daughter home. The daughter is still in the cult. Which brings me to…

Other Christians. Sunshine Christians. Flawed Christians. Snobby Christians. Weak Christians. Gossipy Christians. Arrogant Christians. Legalists. And more. We’ve been there too. We looked up to them, and they let us down. Of course they did! They’re not Jesus! Don’t let imperfect people come between you and God. There are no perfect people.

Sometimes it’s anger for something I did. And I’m not ready to admit it. Blame is nice for a bit.

Get Honest. The Father knows we are frustrated trying to understand things we can’t. Even if we knew why, it wouldn’t erase the pain and fear. Having someone say, “We live in an imperfect world, and we’re not in Heaven yet,” offers little comfort. We know this. It’s time to embrace the promise in Romans 8:28. He will bring good out of every situation if we love Him. We may not feel loving at this time, but we still love.

Being angry is not a lack of faith. Being angry does not mean you don’t love Him. It’s a part of being human and learning about relationships. Anger causes us to look, reach out, dig deep, and learn. It feels bad, I know, but going through it is better than being stuck, lonely, depressed and bitter.

Musings

From the poem, I Told God I was Angry, by Jessica Reynolds Shaver

“At last, you have admitted
What’s really in your heart.
Dishonesty, not anger,
was keeping us apart.”

The whole poem is a beauty and a comfort. It’s available online.

Prayer

Dear Father,

Being angry feels wrong, especially when it’s anger at you. You have told us to lean on You, and not our understanding. We need to accept our anger and realize that life is not fair and that anger will visit us at times. Jesus was angry, but He did not sin. Help us to do the same.

Amen.

What Do You Want?

Easter/ Resurrection Day Reflections

“What do you want me to do for you?” Jesus asked him. The blind man said, “Rabbi, I want to see.” Mark 10:51 NIV

“The Christian ideal has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found difficult and left untried.” Gilbert K. Chesterton

The blind man wanted to see. I’ve pondered Jesus’ question many times, “What do you want me to do for you?” Honestly, what do I want Jesus to do for me? Can you imagine him asking you this? I think I’d be speechless, and hopefully, humbled. Did the question I want to be forgiven come to mind? No. I hate to say it, but I sometimes treat Jesus like a genie, Santa Claus, or a magic wand.

Think of all God has given us. I have all I need and much, much more. I have a warm country home with room for my grandkids. I have love in my life. I live in a free country where I can say, move, and live as I wish. Am I wealthy? Oh! No! But the “abundant life” promised by God is mine.

I know what I want:

I want no trials, struggles, problems, or disappointments. What about forgiveness?

I want healing for others and myself. What about forgiveness?

I don’t want this person to die. What about forgiveness?

I don’t want the aches, pains, hearing loss, or vision loss of old age. What about forgiveness?

It’s all about me.

Without Jesus’ death and resurrection on the cross, I could not approach God the Father with my laundry list of complaints and gimmees. I changed my mind. I want forgiveness.

I guess that’s why we are to be thankful in all circumstances. Look at what it costs for me to come to the Throne of Grace, regardless of whether I FEEL thankful or not. It cost Jesus everything, along with abandonment, pain, blood, nakedness, and humiliation.

Musings

We are New Creations. We are made in the image of God. We are forgiven. We live forever. Thanks to God and Resurrection Day.

Prayer

Dear Father,

You nailed shame to the cross. You make us walk in “newness of life.” You tell us to “come boldly to the Throne of Grace,” for all our needs and wants. We can do this because we are forgiven because of the unfathomable work of the Cross. Thank you.

In Your Son’s name,

Amen.

An Open Heart for Valentine’s Day

“Love is patient, love is kind, it is not jealous; love does not brag, it is not arrogant. It does not act disgracefully, it does not seek its own benefit; it is not provoked, does not keep an account of a wrong suffered.” 1 Corinthians 13:4-5 NASB

“Love does not dominate; it cultivates.” – Antoine de Saint-Exupery (Attributed).

Willpower. Self-improvement. Workshops. Retreats. Books. Memorizing scripture. If there’s anything to do to make my life better, I’m up for it. Sometimes I’d be aware of what I needed to change and should change, like not swearing at the news. The more I tried, the worse it got! Stop smoking. You’re right, it got worse! What was my focus? On not doing something. Gritting my teeth, white-knuckling behavior. Open? I think not.

Trying hard to be loved can become a trap, too, and it starts in childhood with earning good grades, being cute, or good behavior. We try hard to earn others’ love, God’s love too. We turn our attention to matters such as status, wealth, or validation, hoping these will bring us love.

We need to develop an open heart.

When we seek love, our focus is on ourselves. We can’t see outside of ourselves. When we “do” love, it’s there. Love is a verb, I heard. We can be a listening ear, an encouragement to a friend, a bouquet for a shut-in, or a warm hug. There are so many ways, and the focus is where it should be. We feel better about ourselves and life when we “do” love.

Musings

Earning our Father’s love is futile because He is love. He already loves us. We can’t earn another’s love because they will or they won’t. It’s wonderful to do something kind for someone we love, but it’s no guarantee they will love us in return. We love our children from the day they’re born, and they’ve done nothing to earn it. But they’re so open to it! Love does return to us, but not necessarily the way we expect. Sometimes even better than what we expect!

Prayer

Dear Father,

Thank you for wanting a relationship with us. A real relationship! One that encourages us, teaches us, loves us, and guides us. Like all relationships, there are dark times and good times, lonely times and celebratory times, but all are for good. I appreciate your patience as we learn and grow through our transformations.

Amen.

Valentine’s Day

A Forgiving Heart

“Lord, if you kept a record of our sins,
Who, O Lord, could ever survive?
But you offer forgiveness,
that we might learn to fear you.” Psalm 130:3-4 NLT

“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” Lewis B. Smedes

Forgiveness does not mean reconciliation. It may, but not always.

Forgiveness does not mean it’s done once and for all. It may, but not always.

Forgiveness does not feel good. It may, but it leads to peace.

Forgiveness does not mean you are right. It may, but not always.

Forgiveness does not dismiss, belittle, or condescend to your hurt. It hurt! That’s a fact! And we may think we put it behind us, and wham! Something triggers us right back to where we were with all the pain and confusion we thought we left behind.

Many years ago, I fell in love with a handsome, intelligent, dynamic man. He called himself a Christian. Many women were starstruck by him. I was not. In the beginning, anyway. We dated. We had wonderful conversations and little gifts—all the things that make a new romantic relationship heavenly. Walking on air and sunshine! Six months of abuse began. The belittling, the abandonment, the intimidation, the lying. I broke up with him—many times because maybe, just maybe, if I love him enough… But I participated in an unknown dance of terror. Last breakup. Then the stalking. I moved from my hometown and started over with my son, I might add. My roommate was a male because I feared being alone. A few in my new church were lovely. No judgment. Included my son and me in many Church functions. I put him in a Christian school, which he enjoyed.

However, I was an anxious, traumatized mess. I was functioning quite well, but I would jump at loud noises and refuse to go anywhere alone. Finally, I went to a therapist. With lots of work and prayer, healing began because (surprise!) I was attracted to and kept this man because of patterns in my childhood — a pattern I hoped to fulfill with love. So unaware! Childhood stuff! Can you relate?

I had to forgive myself first. I made horrible decisions in my personal life because I was unaware and unconscious. But, through talking to our Father and professional, supportive church friends, along with time, the healing began. Have I forgiven this man? Yes. Was there reconciliation? No! Did I find forgiveness for my childhood traumas? Yes. Was there reconciliation? Not really. There were phone calls and limited visits with some tension. I learned about my limits. I learned to set boundaries. The dance of terror was ended. Did I forgive once and for all? No. Situations always come up in life to trigger those dark times. But they’re a blessing in disguise, a caution sign. I walk away.

Musings

Knowing, deeply knowing how loved we are by our Father, deeply knowing Jesus and his sacrifice, and deeply knowing a mature Christian counselor or a wise friend makes all the difference in forgiveness. It’s another discovery process along the journey home. And the truth does set us free if we face the misery first.

Prayer

Dear Father,

Thank you for forgiveness, especially when “we do not know what we’re doing.” Help us to see that because of your Son, love, and grace, we can face the dark and unknown with hope. Open our hearts. Open our minds. Open our hands.

Amen.

A Christmas Heart

“And He looked up and saw the rich putting their gifts into the treasury, and He saw also a certain poor widow putting in two mites. So, He said, ‘Truly I say to you that this poor widow has put in more than all; for all these out of their abundance have put in offerings for God, but she out of her poverty put in all the livelihood that she had.’” Luke 21:1-4 ESV

“Give what you have. To someone, it may be better than you dare to think.” ― Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Never thought it would happen to me. Widow. I am not in the straits the poor widow in the above verse was, but money has flown out of my hands with my husband’s illness and death. My life will never be the same, and the financial freedom is gone too. I remember a Christian/recovered alcoholic speaker, with a lump in his throat and wet eyes, who cautioned about money. He found the love of his life, they married, and a short time later, she was diagnosed with cancer, and their money was gone. In a flash, she was gone too. He never saved money again. He picked up what little he owned along with his shattered heart and started helping addicts. That’s the last I heard of him. But he still gave. He still had priceless gifts to give, even though he was shattered. He trusted God that “all things work for good for those who love him.” I believe our Father redeemed his pain now and eternally.

Jesus personified giving with gratitude and trust. He had nothing and yet everything. He still gives from his abundant treasure. His mercies are new every morning.

He gave from the heart. These are challenging times for so many of us, but realize you have so much to offer! It may be welcoming arms, an attentive ear, an encouraging word, running errands, or time. Priceless! The fullness we receive is priceless, too! Cast your bread and watch the return. (Ecclesiastes 11:1)

Musings

When cash is flush, life is smooth, and sunshine is everywhere, it’s easy to be generous. In fact, that’s the time I’m most thankful and giving. It’s easy to give from abundance. When dark and lean times come, and they do, the fanatical clutching of money, things, and property is an overwhelming temptation. We lose sleep, anxiety is constant, and control rears its ugly head. Our tempers lash out. We forget there are many ways to give. We forget that our Father is generous. “We can trust the man who died for us.”

Prayer

Dear Father,

Thank you for your son, more precious than gold.

Thank you that he became poor so we could be rich.

Thank you that he died so we could live.

Thank you for our daily bread.

Thank you for our families, friends, and courageous leaders.

Thank you for being faithful, even when we can only scrape up a mustard seed of faith.

Open our eyes and hearts to see how generous you are and with faith that considers the more we give, the more we receive—“Pressed down and flowing over.”

Amen.

Pain is Inevitable, Suffering is Optional

We’ve heard this saying. It’s true.

“He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.” Ecclesiastes 3:11 NIV

“People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within.” Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

An ugly flower bulb is planted, and it becomes a beautiful flower. The earrings I cherish came from a grain of sand that irritated an oyster. My son was created in darkness, labor pains, and then he was born. A rainbow shines brightly with promise after the storm. The beloved savior, broken and dead, now lives. We live! Extraordinarily beautiful!

A lovely friend and I had a conversation. Her 20-something son committed suicide over a year-and-a-half ago. She had it rough! Despair, agony, extreme sorrow, and guilt were her companions from Christmas until now. She still has days of pain and tears, which she shares with her friends, fellow sufferers, and family. Her beauty is vulnerability. Sharing her journey of guilt, darkness, and resolve with others. Picking up parenting duties of her little grandchildren, her son left behind—with joy and pride. She is beautiful inside and out.

And God has promised to dry every tear, and there will be no more pain, suffering and death in heaven. Beautiful. Beautiful in its time.

But we’re not there yet. Some things make no sense. “We see in a mirror darkly.” I grope for the mirror during baffling times.

God brings beauty from some of our most painful experiences. Addictions? Yes. Trauma? Yes. Death? Yes. In its time. In partnership with God and each other. It is possible to carry pain and joy at the same time.

Musings

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. May we focus and try to see as our Father sees. May we behold him. Even in my friend’s suffering, there was still something to hold and cherish. Bubbles and conversation with her family while washing the dishes; the joy and pride of her grandchild who drew a picture for her; a warm bowl of homemade soup with a listening friend; her horse; and nature rides. “He has not left us as orphans.” May we see with our Father’s eyes and heart. It may take a long time, but He will wait and encourage.

Prayer

Dear Father,

We see the beauty of Jesus in his suffering, especially this time of year, and we see eternity because your son lives. He lives in us. He keeps us from stumbling, grasping in the dark, giving up. Redeem our pain for your glory, for others.

Amen.

Help Those Suffering Through the Holidays

Helping Another Through Grief and Trauma Through the Holidays

“The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed,
a stronghold in times of trouble.
Those who know your name trust in you,
for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you.” Psalm 9:9-10 NIV

“Trauma is perhaps the most avoided, ignored, belittled, denied, misunderstood, and untreated cause of human suffering.” Dr. Peter Levine

There is no such thing as going back to normal after a tremendous loss: No. Such. Thing.

Death of a loved one

Victim of a crime

War

Bankruptcy

Career loss

Terminal/chronic illness

Addiction

Natural disasters

Divorce – children suffer too

Abuse

If you want to help someone who has experienced a tremendous loss, let’s bust some common and harmful things right now!

Quoting scripture: Band-Aids on an amputation and dismissive. Scripture is wonderful and true, but that’s not what’s needed right away. Please. It just adds salt to the wound. For instance, the hurting person will hear: “If you were a better Christian… If you just had faith…” Don’t. Just don’t. They need “companioning.” Be with them. Assure them you’re there.

“He’s with God now.” This means making God the villain of another’s loss. This leaves the bereaved suffering and feeling even lonelier and hopeless—”Even God has left me and taken my loved one.”

“At least you have other children.” One of the cruelest things to say, and it hurts the children still alive. No one can be replaced. If you lost your leg and someone said, “Well, at least you have another leg,” how would you feel? Again, dismissive and hard.

“God never gives you more than you can handle.” This one drives me nuts! It was used when I was caring for my husband with Lewy body dementia. My Father did not give this! He is not the author of disease! He did not give my husband dementia. The Liar and Murderer did. But God can handle everything and promises to help. God knows I couldn’t handle this, so prayer, wise and caring friends, and support groups are essential. He wants to help and rescue—sometimes through others and sometimes through the Spirit. Paul frequently healed others, but it was Luke, a gentile doctor, who attended to Paul’s wounds. (See Acts.)

“Well, at least he’s still with you.” Wrong, wrong, wrong again! I lost pieces of my hubby day after day after day. He died daily. Those with spouses, children, or relatives with an addiction lose them piece by piece, day after grueling day. Always on alert for the next disaster. Ask a dementia caregiver or a parent with an addicted child. Are they really with you? Did you lose pieces of yourself along the journey?

“Well, at least you have each other.” How many hurricane survivors are jumping for joy on that one? They lost their entire fortunes, homes, mental health, faith, and much more. It may be true that they have each other, but the shock settles in. Their way of life is gone! Their friends are gone! Their church building is gone—more grueling days, months, or years ahead, leading to financial ruin.

AND THE MOST HURTFUL ONE EVER!!!!

Everything happens for a reason: Yes, yes it does. Here’s the reason: Evil in this world. This world is not our home. Remember when Job lost everything and his friends visited him and grieved with him? They were a comfort until they opened their mouths and decided that Job must have done something wrong to have experienced the tragedies he did. Remember, Job was a righteous man beloved by God. Don’t hurt a person’s conscience and heart with this one.

Please do this…

Prayer, arms, listening ears, running errands, a homemade meal, or a personal gift can lift the hurting and give hope. Say validating things like: “This is really tough! You are going through a nightmare. What can I do to help you? Tell me more.” And listen. Be an Empathetic Witness. Ask our Father to open our hearts to see theirs. Jesus said many times, “What can I do for you?” Then he did it. We need to follow his way.

Musings

It’s so sad and destructive the trite sayings we trot out to those with agonizing losses. I’ve been guilty. We do this because we feel awkward or afraid we’re next. But Jesus showed us a much better way: Ask. Validate. Affirm your love. Companion. Love.

Prayer

Dear Father,

We are to weep with those who weep. We all will weep one day. We don’t want to be “Sunshine Christians” who only believe and give when it’s easy and pleasant. Help us to be “Sonshine Christians.”

With thanks, we go onward with your grace, transformation, love, and hope.

Amen.

Ease Off the Gas Pedal!

Especially During the Holidays!

“In peace I will both lie down and sleep,
For You alone, Lord, have me dwell in safety.” Psalm 4:8 NASB

“When we work from a place, I believe, that says ‘I’m enough,’ then we stop screaming and start listening, we’re kinder and gentler to the people around us, and we’re kinder and gentler to ourselves.” Brene Brown

How do you talk to yourself when you’re in the middle of planning, hurrying, and paying for the holidays? Do you stress seeing certain individuals? And the money… It’s been tough for so many of us, and we would do anything to make a lovely and full holiday with all the eats, presents and fun, except it costs… A lot!

Three things I know for sure:

God loves us
God accepts us
We become more like his son.

Why do we insist on beating ourselves unmercifully? Childhood dysfunctions, tragedies, and mistakes; learning a new task; work fears; advertising —bombarding our ears, minds, and hearts daily. Pour the holidays over this, and it can be brutal.

Today and every day, especially during the holidays, ease up on yourself. Stop. Breathe. Thank God that you are loved. Thank him for those you love, and for those who love you. Watch how much this transforms you and your loved ones.

Musings

Being a good and gracious steward of God’s personal and unique gifts is a tremendous responsibility. It starts with how we speak to ourselves —beloved child of God. Let us talk to ourselves as a best friend would with wise counsel, love and compassion. Maybe a good friend or family member can help us.

Prayer

Dear Father,

When we are overcome and overwhelmed by our “bad,” remind us that we are loved unconditionally. We so often depend on our good feelings to determine our value. Help us remember that we can’t change without asking for your help. Help us to let go and let You into all things, especially during the holidays, with gratefulness.

Amen.

Help the Grieving Through the Holidays

“The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed,
a stronghold in times of trouble.
Those who know your name trust in you,
for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you.” Psalm 9:9-10 NIV

“Trauma is perhaps the most avoided, ignored, belittled, denied, misunderstood, and untreated cause of human suffering.” Dr. Peter Levine

There is no such thing as going back to normal after tremendous losses: No. Such. Thing.

Death of a loved one

Victim of a crime

War

Bankruptcy

Career loss

Terminal/chronic illness

Addiction

Natural disasters

Divorce – children suffer too

Abuse

If you want to help someone who has experienced a tremendous loss, let’s bust some common and harmful things right now!

“God never gives you more than you can handle.” This one drives me nuts! It was used when I was caring for my husband with Lewy body dementia. My Father did not give this! He is not the author of the disease! He did not give my husband dementia. The Liar and Murderer did. But God can handle everything and promises to help. God knows I couldn’t handle this, so prayer, wise and caring friends, and support groups are essential. He wants to help and rescue—sometimes through others and sometimes through the Spirit. Paul frequently healed others, but it was Luke, a gentile doctor, who attended to Paul’s wounds. (See Acts.)

“Well, at least he’s still with you.” Wrong, wrong, wrong again! I lost pieces of my hubby day after day after day. He died daily. Those with spouses, children, or relatives with an addiction lose them piece by piece, day after grueling day. Always on alert for the next disaster. Ask a dementia caregiver or parent with an addicted child. Are they really with you? Did you lose pieces of yourself along the journey?

“Well, at least you have each other.” How many hurricane survivors are jumping for joy on that one? They lost their entire fortunes, homes, mental health, faith, and much more. It may be true that they have each other, but the shock settles in. Their way of life is gone! Their friends are gone! Their church building is gone. More grueling days, months, or years ahead, leading to financial ruin.

AND THE MOST HURTFUL ONE EVER!!!!

Everything happens for a reason: Yes, yes it does. Here’s the reason: Evil in this world. This world is not our home. Remember when Job lost everything and his friends visited him and grieved with him? They were a comfort until they opened their mouths and decided that Job must have done something wrong to have experienced the tragedies he endured. Remember, Job was a righteous man beloved by God. Don’t hurt a person’s conscience and heart with this one.

Please do this…

Musings

Prayer

Dear Father,

We are to weep with those who weep. We all will weep one day. We don’t want to be “Sunshine Christians” who only believe and give when it’s easy and nice. Help us to be “Sonshine Christians.”

With thanks, we go onward with your grace, transformation, love, and hope.

Amen.

If I Say Yes, What Am I Saying No To?

“Suppose one of you wants to build a tower. Won’t you first sit down and estimate the cost to see if you have enough money to complete it?” Luke 14:28 NIV

“Half of the troubles of this life can be traced to saying yes too quickly and not saying no soon enough.” Josh Billings

If I say yes to driving drunk, what am I saying no to?

If I say yes to overeating, what am I saying no to?

If I’m pleasing others, what am I saying no to?

If I choose to get even, what am I saying no to?

If I fly off the handle, what am I saying no to?

If I say yes to God, what am I saying no to?

If I’m controlling another, what am I saying no to?

All of life really is a choice. We choose to be married and say no to others who may tempt us. We decide to have children and say no to our time and finances. We choose to get help, or we flounder, suffer, and hurt others. We choose what we will be like every day, contribute, love, and lift up.

There are many choices between our birthdate and our death date recorded on a cold stone, in an obituary, or on an urn. God gives us these choices and our consequences. When we say yes, we’re always saying no to something. We do it daily. There is no insignificance in our lives.

Musings

Most of life is simple: showing up, being consistent, and thinking of others. Are we living out of fear or love? If we say yes to fear, here comes anxiety, manipulation, aggression, isolation and more. God has reassured us many times not to be afraid. He is here—always. If we say yes in partnership with Christ, we become more like him and live in and with love. We participate in his divine nature.

Prayer

Dear Father,

Thank you for saying yes to us before the foundation of the world. We say yes to you in thankfulness and awe. May we say yes with our actions, words, and resources in your peace and love.

Amen.