“Then the angel of the LORD came again and touched him and said, “Get up and eat some more, or the journey ahead will be too much for you.” 1 Kings 19:7 NLT

“If you look at the world, you’ll be distressed. If you look within, you’ll be depressed. If you look at God, you’ll be at rest.” Corrie Ten Boom

Times when the journey is too much come to everyone. When my husband was terminally ill and losing memory, ability to walk and talk, it was too much. When the boss, customers and colleagues swarm, it’s too much. Never mind raising children from newborn to adulthood, there are times it’s too much. Watching the news. It’s waaay too much!

When my husband was in care and I was frazzled, running on empty, numb and praying was beyond my ability, some came to help my journey. The cafeteria staff at the care home brought me coffee or asked if I wanted some food. The caregivers were gentle with my husband and me. The hospice staff let me cry. They were gifts from God because the journey was too much for my husband and for me. Snippets of grace and care. Sometimes underappreciated until looking in the rearview mirror.

God does touch us when we’re going through too much. Sometimes we don’t notice. During a commute the right song or speaker touches your heart. A colleague helps even though it’s not “their job.” A warm embrace from your child or loved one. A cherished book reveals an unseen truth. Absence from social media is a definite rest. Bottom line: going in our own strength fails. Going in God’s strength we rest. He refreshes even when we don’t notice. He refreshes even when we’re still active.

We become the rest of God for someone too.

Musings

We can rest in God and let him minister to us amid the whirl, uncertainties, heartaches and burdens of life. Our souls rest. Our hearts rest. The body relaxes. Sleep refreshes. God validates and affirms the journey is too much for us.  Like the HALT acronym, we may be Hungry, Angry (Anxious), Lonely or tired. This is our cue to rest in him. Encouragement to care for ourselves too.

Prayer

Father,

Thank you for the gifts of sleep, food, companionship and rest. Thank you for refreshing times. They help us during our journey to you. Thank you for “ministering spirits” here and in your realm. We don’t journey alone. Help us to be mindful that the journey is too much without you and without others.

Amen

“If my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land.” 2 Chronicles 7:14 NIV

I hope you will join me in prayer and fasting for our nation and Afghanistan. I hope you will join me in prayer and fasting for the border. I hope you will join me in prayer and fasting for the fires raging in our country.

I hope you will join me in prayer and fasting for wisdom, love and courage.

“When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you.” Isaiah 43:2 ESV

“Be careful letting the devil in for tea because the next thing you know, he’ll stay for breakfast, lunch, dinner and move in.” Unknown

When life feels like a maze, God gets the blame. When there are so many questions, it’s God’s fault. Disasters happen, well, God allowed it. When a loved one dies, it was God’s will. When children are abandoned or abused, where is God? When heartaches happen, God is punishing you. When financial ruin comes, well, God has a plan.

 God didn’t do this.

I get it! When my husband suffered from Lewy Body Dementia for over two years, anger at God that he allows suffering was top of mind and heart. When he died, even more anger, isolation and big resentment. Looking at my childhood and adolescence, grief and shame, you know those black sheep/scapegoat experiences? I couldn’t grasp that I’m God’s beloved. I can barely do it now.

Sometimes we blame God to dodge responsibility. Sometimes we blame him out of ignorance. Sometimes to get instant relief from unrelenting pain and grief. Sometimes we treat God as a vending machine. But most of the time life’s tribulations are unclear. Jesus warned us that we would have tribulation. He warned us to count the cost. The world is full of obstacles, dangers and devastation. But most of the time, it’s the Liar, Murderer and disguised Angel of Light taking advantage. Faith is tested.

Musings

Jesus told Peter that Satan asked to sift Peter like wheat. Satan afflicted Paul with an illness that would not go away. Eve was tempted by Satan in the garden. Job was afflicted unmercifully by Satan and we know Satan threw his very worst at Jesus. That’s why we are instructed to put on the full armor of God and to draw close to him. We can’t overcome by ourselves. We can tell our father everything that’s in our mind in heart and that eventually, he will cause all things to work for good because we love him and work according to his purpose. In the meantime, our understanding is so limited. We see in a mirror darkly.

The good news. He has overcome for us. God does provide others that have been through the “valley” to help us, encourage us, love us and lift us. God doesn’t set us up, tease us, abandon us. We know who does.

Prayer

Father,

Thank you for the Psalms that richly describe all our sorrows, anger, frustrations and questions. The Psalms always end with praise. The Psalms always carry hope. But the writers were people just like us, flawed, confused and scared.

Help us to move through life with hope and praise, even when we don’t understand, especially when we don’t understand. Help us to accept with grace that some things are a heavenly mystery that some day we will know fully.

Amen.

“But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, easy to be entreated, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality and without hypocrisy.” James 3:17 NIV

“No problem can be solved by the same consciousness that caused the problem in the first place.” Albert Einstein

When I have condemning thoughts toward myself or others, I stop. Those thoughts are not from my father. No matter the sin, grief, or defeat, my father is gentle. He is full of mercy. We have the mind of Christ. Condemning thoughts are not from him, but they do need attention from my father.

If I have shaming thoughts, obsessions, compulsions, fears, act harshly, act judgmentally, I am indeed, unconscious! Fortunately, we have a Father we can bring this too and ask humbly, what’s going on? If we do it without judgment, with an observing only attitude, many things come to our minds and hearts. We can rest in him.

I have a dear friend who is elderly with health problems. She has been a cheerleader for me. My coffee buddy. Yet, I forgot her, and the excuses are many and moot. She was in the hospital with pneumonia and on a truckload of oxygen. I didn’t check on her. She called me to see how I was doing. She felt abandoned (and she was) by her friends. No one had checked with her in weeks. I was crushed by my selfishness. Repented. Told the truth. I was consumed with me. Asked her to forgive me, which she did quickly and with affection. No condemnation. No judgment. She modeled my father. Quick to forgive, gentle, peaceful and caring. I thank God she phoned me. She could be with God any day and I would have a boatload of regret. I was unconscious. I was not malicious, just unconscious.

Musings

The hurts I dish out and the hurts I receive are usually not malicious. It’s unconsciousness. The destructive behaviors like drinking, using, judging and self-pity are unconscious. Would a person with a beloved image participate in destruction?

Life distracts and we go on autopilot. Apologies, repentance and letting God participate in my heart, soul and mind heals.  As long as we are here on Earth, we’ll go unconscious. I will step in it. Unconscious. I will slip into compulsions. Unconscious. We possess God-Consciousness now, if we let him in.

Prayer

Father,

Thank you that even when we’re zoned out, overwhelmed and selfish, you love us. Incomprehensible. Because of your love, we can come to you at any time and let you gently correct, forgive and set us on the right path. God consciousness. Help us to use this consciousness in our family relationships, work relationships, church relationships and even more so with those we don’t like very much. When we have your consciousness, miracles happen, lives are uplifted, and we are privileged to be a part.

Amen.

Trust?

“Behold, God is my salvation; I will trust, and not be afraid: for the LORD JEHOVAH is my strength and my song; he also is become my salvation.” Isaiah 12:2 KJV

“O Lord, Thou knowest we can trust the Man that died for us.” Unknown

Trusting the Lord for my salvation is so easy to do, isn’t it? Really? How about trusting him with my finances. With my family. With my health. Traffic. The boss.  Do I really trust him? Do I really trust him with my salvation if I proceed to worry about the cares of the world from politics to a noisy, irritating neighbor? The dailiness?

My behavior tells on me. Which is the bigger problem, salvation or the cares of this world? Yep. He’ll usher me into his Kingdom, but as for my daily bread…  I have doubts, anxieties and sleepless nights. And a big waste of time and feelings of guilt. Security is not faith. Yet, I pursue it relentlessly! I forget that he promised “all these things shall be added to you” because I seek him and his kingdom first. My father knows the things I need, no matter my insecurities.

Musings

A recovering addict asked, “Am I operating out of fear or love?” We’re doing one or the other. God is love. When my focus is on him, I’m operating out of love, which I can do because he loved me first. Trust. We can’t hold multiple thoughts in our minds. When I dwell on a criticism, empty bank account, what to wear or what to eat, I’m focused on fear, loss. Perhaps, focusing on others’ approval. I trust God with my salvation but those worldly things? Ouch! He said, “You follow me.” Trust starts with that command. His yoke is easy, but it takes a baby step of trust. The father provides this too. Talk about dependence! The good kind.

Prayer

Father,

Thank you that you know what we need before we even ask. The very first thing you gave us was trust in the man that died for us. We start there and the spirit lives and transforms our very being into your image. Keep our focus on you with eternal thanks. Trust.Amen.

Everyone Fails

“The servant given one thousand said, ‘Master, I know you have high standards and hate careless ways, that you demand the best and make no allowances for error. I was afraid I might disappoint you, so I found a good hiding place and secured your money. Here it is, safe and sound down to the last cent.’ “The master was furious. ‘That’s a terrible way to live! It’s criminal to live cautiously like that! If you knew I was after the best, why did you do less than the least? The least you could have done would have been to invest the sum with the bankers, where at least I would have gotten a little interest. “‘Take the thousand and give it to the one who risked the most. And get rid of this “play-it-safe” who won’t go out on a limb. Throw him out into utter darkness.” Matthew 25:24-30 The Message

“Success is stumbling from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm.”
― Winston S. Churchill

Have I failed? Oh how I’ve failed! Let me count them!

 Failed marriages. Yep. Check

Fired. Yep. Check.

Made a fool of myself in front of others. Yes, again. Check. Many times without being drunk or incapacitated. No props to blame.

Quit high school. Yep. Check. Did eventually get my diploma.

Bankruptcy. No, but very close. Hungry but never homeless. However, the places I’ve lived would scare you.

Ran away from home. Still have a propensity to run away from difficult people and situations.

You get the drift, but one of the most heartbreaking failures was a devotional I wrote for dementia caregivers. I prayed. Bought a computer and tablet. I sought editing and formating. Lessons. Small ad with an article in a Christian magazine. You Tube video. Paid a few thousand. Used my husband’s last photo as the cover. Just a hundred or so copies sold. My heart and soul were put into the effort to help dementia caregivers hang onto their faith with hope while navigating the treacherous and exhausting dementia journey. I wasn’t the servant that buried the money. I was the servant that blew it all! And then some!

Or, was it a failure? Let’s check expectations, shall we? Did I think it would be a best seller? No. No one would seek a dementia devotional until they’re smack-dab living in it. Not a popular subject. Not movie-worthy. Was I glory-seeking? No. The pain and and agony were too great and I relived it writing the devotional. Amateurish? Probably. We’re all amateurs a something! No shame in that. None.

Then I received an email from a wife who was caregiving her love with a terminal brain tumor. “I could breathe,” she said when she read the devotional.  They were in their 40’s. My husband was 66 years when he died From Lewy Body Dementia. There were more responses that said I helped them.

Then I wrote an article for a Christian publication about dementia caregiving. No payment of any kind. It helped others. Just a few. Did I bury it?

I cried over this perceived failure. I tried hard to help. Honestly, I was hoping to break even. I’m not flush with cash. However, my little devotional helped others to carry on with hope. They may share the book with others whose hope is crushed by the dementia journey, maybe even after I’m with God in Paradise.

Musings

Did I help one person? Yes. Jesus leaves the 99 to find the lost sheep. Did I focus on God and easing pain? Yes. Have my needs been met although I spent much to accomplish the devotional? Yes. Did I bury it in the ground? No.

I have my answer. It brought me even closer to God. This was not a failure. Humbling, perhaps, but not a failure. How about you?

Prayer

Father,

Thank you for the opportunities to help others as a big part of your plan. We don’t have to be the servant who buried his talent with fear, blame and excuses. We are partners with you and your word will not return unfulfilled no matter how we stumble and make mistakes. Thank you for this honor. Help us to invest confidently in those that are thirsty. Those that are hungry. Those that are afraid. Those that are sick. Those that are poor in spirit. Those that are grieving.

Amen.

Self-love

“Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.” Romans 12:2 ESV

“We don’t find our real selves by looking for it; we find it by looking for God.” David G. Benner

Real change is hard. Transformation miraculous. Any change I have attempted without the real, gut-level, trusting in God’s love has never stuck. In fact, I went backward. Even in profound grief. We may make changes with self-help and other supports but transformation, that’s the real thing! A way of being. In fact, transformation doesn’t happen for me until I know how deeply loved I am. It starts there and is never fully accomplished. Here anyway.  Do I feel it? Sometimes in spectacular ways. Sometimes not at all.

Without seeking God and his love, I go back to toxic people, places and things. When I do not feel loved (I’m one of those people—feelings) seeking immediate relief is my Achilles heel. I envy you practical, rational people!

I had a difficult phone call with a sibling yesterday. She wants me to come visit. I don’t want to. I started beating myself up with what if she gets sick, what if we never see each other again, what if I’m a selfish person (I am, aren’t we all?) But then I sat with these painful feelings and went to God. First, no judgment. None. Second, awareness of my desire to not go visit. Third, understanding. My past visits were traumatic: dying parents, long eight hour drives one way, trying to find people to check in on my terminally ill husband and some emotionally devastating events and accusations when I did arrive. There were kind moments. Fun moments. Lots of drinking moments. But I did not feel loved. I felt dismissed, hurt and scared that I should be with my ill husband even though my parents were ill too. No blame. Everyone was doing the best they could. Yet, yesterday, I made excuses like lack of money, long drive, anxiety (that one is very true) and drinking. I’m sober and not ready to handle lots of drinking times. So, I give it to my Father. He reassures me. I know I’m deeply loved. I know at the right time and with the right words and actions, all will be well. I may never go visit. I may. In the meantime, I seek God as I would a lover, placing all my trust in him. All of this will be transformed into his plan. I will be transformed.

Musings

Seeking God with no judgment but just observation and awareness are transforming and genuine. He so deeply loves us that we can seek him without all the judgments, excuses, hiding, anxieties and guilt that others and ourselves dump on our weary selves.

Awareness. Observation. Seeking Him. May we practice this in all situations. And it will take practice. But we are deeply loved.

Prayer

Father,

Thank you for so deeply loving us that our souls can be naked before you. There’s no recriminations, punishment, judgments, agendas, manipulations, expectations or threats. Just awareness, observation and acceptance with grace. We Black Sheep types really desire your love and the transformation that results. We seek you first in all things.

Amen.

“So, he said to me, ‘This is the word of the LORD to Zerubbabel: Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit,’ says the LORD Almighty.” Zechariah 4:6 NIV

“Our calling is therefore the way of being that is both best for us and best for the world.”— Dr. David Benner, The Gift of Being Yourself

There’s a good reason for the popularity and excitement of superheroes in our books, movies, daydreams. A rescuer! Someone who takes all our burdens, loves us the way we are, protects us and spins us into a beautiful life with no heartache, disappointment, fear or shame. No effort on our part. Superheroes live in another dimension. Superheroes see the future. Superheroes never get sick. Superheroes always do right—never let one down. No flaws or addictions. They live forever. They always, always look amazing!

And the relief! No more struggling. No more working. No more want. No more shame. No self-reflection. Sounds wonderful, doesn’t it? No forgiveness. No growth.

Sadly, there are no superheroes coming for us. Well, Just One. He died. He died a horrible and shaming death. He conquered death and sent us a helper. A comforter. A counselor. A spirit. Not exactly the image of a superhero.  Many will not accept this Helper. It requires humility and participation with responsibility.

We’re partners with him, included to become more like him. That means persecution, rejection and struggle. And we’re so shocked when it happens to us. “No thanks, I’m not up to carrying my cross today.” Many times, I mean it. I pray for it. I offer many suggestions. Then a voice says, “Grow up into Christ. I will help you be his image-bearer.” Even me.

Musings

 Superheroes don’t die. They also don’t partner and counsel. They fix, temporarily. Almost all the heroes in the Bible died. All the heroes in the Bible struggled. All the heroes, except one, had flaws, faults, doubt and sin. Abraham pawning his wife as his sister because he feared the king would kill him to capture his beautiful wife. All the heroes wrestled with Truth; one became lame. All the heroes suffered rejection, hunger, cold, heat, loneliness. One of the heroes rescued the animals, poetic to be sure, but imagine caring for them, cleaning out excrement, smelling them. One hero, a widow, gave one cent, all she had, as her tithe. One of the heroes was a wayward son who saturated himself with prostitutes, spending and other extravagances. Then there’s my wayward ways. And all were rescued by his spirit. Bumpy, scary, lonely and faith-testing. Faith is always tested.

Prayer

Father,

Thank you for your promise to bring us through deep waters. Thank you that nothing shall separate us from your love. Thank you for grace when we muddle, stumble and wallow in self-pity. Thank you for the honor of becoming more like your son. Thank you for singing over us and upholding us with your right hand.

Amen.

“Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord and turn away from evil. It will be healing to your flesh and refreshment to your bones.” Proverbs 3:7-8 ESV

“We must be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us. The old skin has to be shed before the new one can come.” —Joseph Campbell

First, I must repent and turn to God.

Many days, weeks, months and years of my life were filled with drama. Even in my sleep. You too?
Dramatic situations were created by me and some were created by others–life. Now that I have some peace, boredom sets in. Or is it boredom? Maybe I don’t know or recognize times of refreshing. Times of peace. Times to just enjoy my Creator’s presence.  Times to enjoy the creation. Times to create my grateful list. Times to see my growth. How many in the world would love my life, blessings, health and freedom? And I’m bored? Spoiled? Entitled? Unfamiliar?

Musings

Many who have let go of addictive substances, behaviors, toxic relationships, financial stresses, health challenges work and pray furiously to learn and overcome. I am one. Then there’s a void. A stopping place. A what’s next. Waiting for the shoe to drop or lightening to strike.

How about enjoying the moment? Celebrating the gifts and rewards of the journey. Taking in a beloved pet, the beauty in the seasons, the affection of another, a simple dinner, a game with a child. Resting in his presence. No doubt turbulent times will come again, but I’ll be better prepared if I rest and give thanks for refreshment. I’ll be equipped to help others on my path because of a calm and quiet spirit within me. No drama trauma.

Prayer

Father,

Thank you for quiet times. We black sheep types don’t recognize refreshment. Thank you for opportunities for rest and restoration. Boredom is the devil’s playground is true when focused only on me and the world’s distractions and not on you. How many panicked prayers have been sent hoping for restoration? We see it as boredom. Like little children, “Daddy, I’m bored.” Open my eyes, my hands and heart to relish these gifts of rest and restoration. I rest with you today.

Amen.

“And let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we shall reap if we do not grow weary.” Galatians 6:9 NASB

“Hardship often prepares an ordinary person for an extraordinary destiny.” C.S. Lewis

During the Covid pandemic, heroes were the top of my mind and prayers. Here’s my hero list:

The grocery clerks

The pharmacists

The mechanics

The electricians

The garbage collectors

The farmers

The ranchers

The truck drivers

The military

The police

The healthcare workers

The volunteers

Veterinarians

Parents

Neighbors who checked in and ran errands

Many, many more and I’m grateful for each one!

No fanfare. No parades. No bands playing. No sound bytes. Just doing the next right thing. Servants are heroes.

Musings

I’m trying to see that even jury duty is a heroic thing to do. We need more Christians as a jury of our peers. Yep. Got the call to duty. I’m not thrilled about it, in fact, I’m a bit annoyed because it interferes with what I want. However, if the situation was reversed, I’d be so grateful.

The world’s idea of heroes and God’s many times are so opposite! Celebrities, politicians (don’t get me started), billionaires, Pulitzer prize winners, and sometimes they are heroes. Then I peek at the Bible’s heroes. Of course, Jesus is the main hero, but there’s the prostitute that hid David and his companions from the enemy, Stephen who was stoned to death, the widow who tithed a penny and it was all that she had. They all were worthy of honor in the Bible.

Prayer

Father,

Thank you for rewarding those that seek you. May we look forward to your saying, “Well done, good and faithful servant: thou hast been faithful over a few things, I will set thee over many things; enter thou into the joy of thy lord.”

Amen.