“Train up a child in the way he should go, even when he grows older, he will not abandon it.” Proverbs 22:6 NASB

“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.” James Baldwin

Gotta say I internalized some very harmful images and beliefs from my mom. She had the power. She had sarcasm that could split a boulder and rip a child’s heart to shreds. She was the foundation and epitome of my Black Sheepness and eternal shame. There was physical abuse but mostly emotional abuse. She trained me up in the way I would go and it was disastrous! It was unconscious! It was a pattern of abuse from her family tree—that’s my family tree too. The cycle raged on. And rage it was. Of course, as a child, I had no clue. Dad was just absent. He brought home the paycheck, kept the home and cars going and that’s how it was. He was present physically but not mentally and emotionally. They were very flawed individuals that had no grip on healthy ways of being in the world but not of the world. They were in extreme pain. Their parents were too. A vicious, dead-end cycle.

No clue how valuable and precious children are. No clue how valuable and precious they were. How valuable and precious you are.

Then I had my son. Like the proverbial pendulum, I went the other way from abuse to indulgence. However, I was seeking God, went to a faithful church, received counseling, placed my son in a Christian school. The good: I modeled a work ethic, spiritual hunger and curiosity, worked with my son on homework, had fun like fishing, swimming, playing games. At the church he met good men who modeled fatherhood, confidence, accountability and affection. All was not lost. My son is a grown man now with a beautiful wife and family, pillar in the community and loves. Perfectly? Heavens no! He needs grace as much as the next person. But the abuse cycle is broken.

It works both ways. Train up a child…

Musings

We can train up ourselves with our father’s help. He longs to love us and make us more like his son. We can train up our children with our father’s help because he loves them and wants to make them more like his son. Our father has given us everything we need for “life and godliness.” Community.

Sometimes we need church parents to guide us. Sometimes we need to parent church kids. Most of all, we need to believe in how loved we are and model that love to others, especially our children.

“We draw people to Christ not by loudly discrediting what they believe, by telling them how wrong they are and how right we are, but by showing them a light that is so lovely that they want with all their hearts to know the source of it.”

Madeleine L’Engle

May we demonstrate this above all with our children.

Prayer

Dear Father,

No matter the childhood tragedies in our lives, help us to remember the Prodigal Son’s father as the picture of you. Help us to remember what the father said to the Prodigal, “My son, everything I have is yours.” Help us to remember the father embracing his son in front of all the religious elite. Help us to remember you are this father. May we live this with our families and teach them you’re always with them. We can’t always be with our children but you can You are.

Thank you.

Amen.

“But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed.” Isaiah 53:5 NIV

“Our wounds are often the openings into the best and most beautiful part of us.” David Richo

No one can help a parent who has lost a child like a parent who has lost a child.

No one can help a single mom like a single mom.

No can help a cancer victim like a cancer victim.

No one can help an addict like a recovering addict.

No one can help an abuse victim like someone who’s survived abuse.

No one can help someone with suicidal thoughts like someone who’s held on to life when all was lost.

“Out of our wounds come our greatest ministry” has been said over and over because there’s so much truth to it. And no one volunteers for this. Our ministry may be our career, but I’ve found it’s people who have suffered, wrestled with their wounds, who find treasure in ministering to others, no matter their vocation.

One thing I’ve learned the hard way is timing. I may have jumped into helping other dementia caregivers before I’d truly come to grips with my own dementia journey. I wouldn’t say healing because there’s always some pain that remains. Always some vulnerability that knocks me down. Accepting that it takes us months or years of prayer, counseling, support before we’re ready to be that vulnerable can be so discouraging. Preparation is necessary. Envision your father comforting you, guiding you, loving you in and through the turmoil and pain. Talk to yourself as your best friend. I bet you’d be gentle and patient to your best friend.

But when you reach that one with your story and knowledge, it’s like winning the spiritual lottery! You’ve overcome evil with good! Some healing and hope has been shared. Some beauty from tragedy is felt. Redemption.

Musings

Even Bible greats needed time, prayer, support and reflection after enduring tragedy and loss. The Psalms are filled with stories of this. Many respected Christian authors, pastors and counselors have shared their hope years after wrestling with their deep wounds. We are no different. It’s in God’s time and with his great love for his little child before he sends his little, banged up, wounded child.

People will discount, dismiss, ignore, reject and say all kinds of things that will stump and hurt you sometimes when sharing your greatest wound. Remember: This may be part of it too. This is why there’s major preparation, support and faith needed. A little callous over the heart.

Prayer

Dear Father,

Thank you that you gave us each other and your son to heal and give purpose to our scars. Your son still bears the scars of his death. He chose to be vulnerable for our sake, while enduring all kinds of mocking and rejection.

Father, give us wisdom; we don’t want to cast our pearls when we share our wounds. Let us take in deeply your love for us so that we may minister to others, share hope and ease pain.

Amen.

“Therefore if you are presenting your offering at the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your offering there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and present your offering.” Matthew 5:23-24 NASB

“Never ruin an apology with an excuse.” ― Benjamin Franklin.

I am sorry. The three hardest words. Sometimes I weasel, squirm and look down with comments like, “I made a mistake.” Or “I had a headache.” “I was under stress.”  “I’m dealing with this shame-thing.” No. I’m a very flawed human being getting a lot of practice saying, “I’m sorry.”

When my son was about five years old and zooming about on his new bike, showing off to his friends, he shot out in front of a car. The car screeched to a halt just a hair away from my son. My son tumbled to the gravel road. Heart pounding with “God help me” circling in my mind. I ran toward him, jerking his arm almost out of his socket, the driver shaking terribly, I yelled at my son. What I yelled; I don’t remember. It was awful. Adrenaline pumping, shaking and out of control, I mumbled an apology to the driver who was overcome too. Every parent and driver’s nightmare!  Throwing (almost) my son in his room and slammed the door, tears raced down my face. Thoughts of horror consumed me. Slowly, God’s grace, peace and wisdom replaced my hysteria.

Then…

“I’m sorry.” To my son. Yes, he was wrong. I was too. Out of control and fearful. Does a five-year-old understand grown-up hysterics? No. I’m sorry. Hugs. Tears. And grounded him from his bike after discussing the event with him.

I’ve said I’m sorry to my ex-husband. I said those words to my dying husband. I’ve said those words to employees and clients. I’ve said them to me! I’ve said them to my father in heaven. I still owe “I’m sorry” to others. No excuses. No rationalizations. No denial. No perky gifts or flowery cards. No sugar-coating.

Second hardest three words: “Will you forgive me?” Some do. Some don’t. Some will never forgive. Forgiving yourself is a terrific start. Then I give it to our father. He perfectly resolves the heartache. May take a long, long time and practice.

Musings

Feelings are not dependable in making apologies or restitution. They may muck up and cloud the whole affair. God said, “Be still and feel that I am God.” No, he didn’t. He said, “know.” And when we know, we know.

Zacchaeus said, “Look, Lord! Here and now I give half of my possessions to the poor, and if I have cheated anybody out of anything, I will pay back four times the amount.” (Luke 19:8). Sometimes we Black Sheep types need to pay back with interest along with our three hardest words. Actions speak louder than the three hardest words.

Prayer

Dear Father,

Thank you for being quick to forgive and without punishment. Help us to forgive ourselves, others and move forward to better relationships with our families and communities. If we have robbed, help us to replace with interest. If we have demeaned or diminished another, let us reflect and restore. If we have hurt ourselves, help us to heal.

Amen.

“Therefore, encourage one another and build one another up, just as you also are doing.” 1 Thessalonians 5:11

“The Christian life is not a constant high. I have my moments of deep discouragement. I have to go to God in prayer with tears in my eyes, and say, ‘O God, forgive me,’ or ‘Help me.” – Billy Graham

Even little things can be a discouragement. Case in point: my new little dog. Housetrained. Not when it’s zero degrees. Sigh…

“I thank God for you every time I think of you,” Paul said. I do the same when I think of you who visit my blog. It’s such an encouragement that throughout the world we are of one mind and heart to bring people to Christ and to become more like Christ. To transform into new creatures. The world is so hostile. The enemy rages and wants to tear flesh. People are centered on themselves with solutions that do not save. And we are to carry on giving the good news. Truly, there’s a lot to discourage us.

Our father knows this. That’s why we have each other. Sometimes we need each other to celebrate good things, grieve, lift up, teach, hug (virtual hug here). We are part of the father’s plan and he knew we couldn’t do it alone. He gave us the Holy Spirit who works in us in spite of our flaws and sins. The Bible is full of such characters to encourage and teach us too.

The father saw fit to use us in little ways and giant ways. In good times and bad times. He always sees what we’re doing even when recognition and encouragement are sparse or non-existent.

Be patient. More importantly, be kind. The father always rewards at just the right time. We don’t open a cocoon too early but let it work perfectly into a beautiful butterfly. We don’t dig up the seeds we planted to see how they’re growing but we patiently water and feed them and rejoice when they sprout. And we don’t let our toddlers drive a car. “All things are beautiful in their own time.”

Musings

“You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly.” And this is good news. The best news. When problems, the world threatens us and we’re ready to give up, let us remember “There’s nothing new under the son.” He will overcome.

Prayer

Dear Father,

If we let discouragement stop us, nothing will get done. In fact, much of daily life can discourage and immobilize us. That’s why you gave us each other. Help us to encourage and appreciate each other. Let’s face it! It’s tough down here. But we have you, the Holy Spirit, grace and the blessings of each other. Thank you.

Amen.

“For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” Matthew 6:21 NIV

“Where you spend your love, you invest your life.” Mumford and Sons

Time to take inventory, especially during the first of the year. Where do we spend our love? Our time? Our money? Our talents? What and whom do we love? Does what we love take up most of our heart? Our concern? We work many hours a week at our career, household duties like shopping, cooking, laundry, homework. Do we treasure it? Do we spend our love on it?

Spending love is an act of worship. Doing dishes with my heart in it for God and family is worship. Gently folding the laundry with gratefulness for having the items to clothe and warm my family is worship. Counseling a troubled employee with God’s wisdom and personal space can be worship. Preparing a proposal for a small business that may save and grow that business is worship. Giving to charity. Walking the dog. All are acts of worship if my heart and attitude are leaning on God. It doesn’t mean everything will turn out the way I expect, but the attitude of worship is desired by our father and is due our father. We, with freedom, spend our love with him and in him.

Everything is an act of worship. Nothing is wasted if it’s done with love. Nothing is insignificant in God’s eyes. We just don’t see it as spending our love and investing our life. It is. We may see it as the mundane duties of every day, but if we see it as treasure, worship and love, we’re building our families, communities and storing up treasure in heaven.

Musings

Today and every day, we spend our love, money and time on something. We can spend our love on so many things that never return that love and fall into replacing it with status, money (the biggie), knowledge, addictions but they never love in return. Our father loves whether we feel it or not. We Black Sheep/Scapegoats relate to the Prodigal Son for sure! Our father demonstrated perfect love with the life and death of his own son.

Prayer

Dear Father,

You spent your most precious thing to save us: your son. May we remember that your son’s blood was more precious than gold as we go about our day. From cleaning runny noses to running a corporation, all is worship of you when our heart and attitude are focused on you. Thank you for the joy and treasure that comes from spending our time, efforts and money now and later in heaven.

Amen.

“All his brothers and sisters and everyone who had known him before came and ate with him in his house. They comforted and consoled him over all the trouble the LORD had brought on him, and each one gave him a piece of silver and a gold ring.” Job 42:11 NIV

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love.” — Washington Irving

I will never be free from grief. I will always miss my deceased husband, even though he’s been gone for a few years. Death comes to us all. We all hold some grief for someone in our hearts.

Grief is the final act of loving someone.  The greater the love the greater the grief. We never forget the special person who was so much of our lives. We never forget the life we once enjoyed with our loved one. In fact, when I buried my husband, I also buried a big part of me and the life we had. That part is done. There’s a void. Who am I? What do I do? Where do I go? How do I go on? It hurts to breathe. Every step is a gigantic effort. And faith is tested. Over and over. That doesn’t mean you’ve lost your faith. You may get angry at God. You’re not condemned. You still believe. Pour all of it out to your father. It’s your “dark night of the soul.”

Remember the loss of your first pet or grandparent? I do. The first smack in the head and heart of tremendous loss.  Tears may still come. They were a part of you and who you’ve become. We will still experience grief on this side of heaven. The good news is that our father will dry every tear. He has stored our tears in a bottle.

Musings

Job was a righteous man through-and-through, but he still endured incredible pain and loss—in one day! The father restored Job and added to his possessions and blessed Job with a new family. But Job still needed comfort. He still lost much that was unique to him. A part of him.

There’s gifts from grief like intimacy with our father, compassion for others, stronger faith, honesty, especially reminding us we are but dust and our father helps us in our fragility. When we have mourned awhile, gratefulness will pour out of our hearts because our father gifted us with a wonderful person and experiences. It never, ever happens overnight.

Forgive yourself if you’ve said or done things in the midst of grief. Forgive others who are suffering grief too. You will “companion” someone in grief and ease their pain someday. In fact, many great spiritual leaders say that your greatest ministry will come from your greatest pain. Study grief in the Bible and other resources like support groups, godly books on grief, and counseling with your pastor or another trusted friend. Pour it all out to your heavenly father.

Prayer

Dear Father,

We are told to be grateful in all things but not FOR all things. Sometimes, father, we don’t know how much we need you until you’re all we have. We are grateful you understand and you’re always with us through “the Valley of the Shadow of Death.”

Our feelings may be raw, confusing and agonizing but we KNOW you will ease our suffering and bring good out of it. We remember the suffering of your son and the victory of his resurrection. We may not feel grateful, but we know without a doubt, good will come from our loss. Thank you for the loved one we’ve lost. Redeem our pain.

Amen.