“The Lord directs the steps of the godly.
    He delights in every detail of their lives.
Though they stumble, they will never fall,
    for the Lord holds them by the hand.” Psalm 37:23-24

“If you had a person in your life treating you the way you treat yourself, you would have gotten rid of them a long time ago…”
― Cheri Huber, There is Nothing Wrong with You: Going Beyond Self-Hate

As you can see by my blog picture, I had a horse. Old Pete. He was a forgiving and very affectionate horse and did not cause my fall.  I fell off him once because I forgot to check the cinch on my saddle. Pete stopped knowing I was dropping to the ground. Pete was embarrassed for me so he got a little extra grain for his forgiveness. By the way, I always check my cinch after this humiliation!

Do you promise to stop a bad behavior, develop a new habit (exercise for me), read the Bible more, pray more, stop an addiction, love more, be accountable and on and on? And when you mess it up, you berate yourself, beat yourself into submission? It doesn’t work.

1. Developing new habits and attitudes is never one-and-done. Willpower goes so far, in my case, not far at all. We start off with high hopes and determination, which is good, and then slip and give up. Acceptance that change is painful, arduous and a learning experience is so important to remember. Change is a learning experience with bumps in the journey. Little tots fall a lot when learning to walk. Adults do too.

• Doing more than one goal is overwhelming and a set-up to fail. I’ve known people who, in good faith, quit drinking, smoking, overeating and spending at once! Whew! Then beat themselves with over-exercising, carrot sticks and eight glasses of water a day. This borders on abusive, at the very least, self-punishment. God holds our hand. We drag out our paddle! One thing at a time builds confidence in our faith and ourselves then we can attempt another.

• Not having a trusted person for accountability. If we don’t share with a trusted person what we’re attempting to change, maybe we’re not ready. Maybe they’re not the right person. Fortunately, we have a Father we can confess this too and he starts the transformation.

• If our Father has compassion for us, shouldn’t we? Self-compassion is a beautiful thing. When we are compassionate toward ourselves and what we’re attempting, it pours out onto others. Beautiful grace.

Musings

Remember the verse in Romans where Paul grapples with his humanity, “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.”  I’m sure we’ve all been there and will again. He struggled too! But the hope is our transformation in Christ. Paul later in his letter passionately gives thanks that we are delivered by Jesus. He is the way. Only way. Look at the miraculous transformation in Paul. Jesus can do that for us too.

Prayer

Dear Father,

We lay our burdens down. We rest in you and your promises. We thank you that the only way we are changed is in your merciful son. Help us to truly grasp the peace that comes with your eye on us and your hand in ours.

Amen.

“Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us.” Ephesians 3:20 NASB

“The real spiritual journey is work. You can make a naïve assertion that you trust in Jesus, but until it is tested a good, oh, 200 times, I doubt very much that it’s true.” — Richard Rohr

I pass on dessert and I feel deprived.

I give up drinking and I feel deprived.

I budget my salary and I feel deprived.

I stay home to parent my child and I feel deprived of a career full of money, accolades, attention and notoriety.

I become a Christian and I feel deprived. Others think so too. Can’t do this and I can’t do that. Are you sure God will take care of you? Really? What about… fill in the blank. It comes and many times out of left field.

Am I deprived? Or just feeling like I am.

Deprivation lies are so easy to sink into. Deprivation lies grow into self-pity and/or self-centeredness, envy of some kind. It’s the battle in the mind and eventually the soul. I do feel deprived! It’s not true I’m deprived, but oh how it feels sometimes. We forget the so-called deprivations we choose are made to obtain something much greater like a healthier body, a child growing up loved and secure, and to become more like Christ now and eternally.

Musings

Most of the habits I picked up were awful in the beginning:  the first cigarette, sip of beer, shady boyfriend/girlfriend. And so we “learn” to like, stuff the pain with it, be seduced by what is obviously harmful and feel deprived when we give it up. And we give it up over and over and over.

Now some experiences were and are deprivations: absence of a loving home, job closure, divorce, hunger, death of a parent/spouse/child. These need to be recognized, affirmed, prayed over and shared with a reliable person such as a pastor, counselor or trusted friend. Healing. But trouble comes when we use food, booze, drugs, people to fix the pain. Like trying to clean a stain and watching the stain get bigger and bigger because we’ve now got two problems: Our pain and an addiction. Only One can clean the stain completely. The bad feelings don’t disappear overnight, but it happens.

Prayer

Dear Father,

You never promised an easy journey, but you did promise to never leave us. When we are feeling low, deprived, frightened, struggling with a problem, remind us of all the times you worked in our lives in the past, especially what your son did for us. Remind us of your promises for the future and help us to live fully today.

Amen.

“There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is no male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus”. Galatians 3:28 ESV

“Welcome the huge, sticky, strong problems. In them there are the most powerful opportunities.” Unknown

We can’t get through the day without some mention of cancel culture. This person tweeted this, this person offended me, my rights are being taken, up to and including violence.

Do we cancel ourselves? Statements like, “I could never do that, I’m not smart enough, my past is so horrible, I’m too old/young I’m not a good person (none of us is).” Fill in the blank. We all cancel ourselves. Then blame, resentment, envy, isolation come in to destroy.

 My mind screams STOP!

Then I search the Bible. Let’s see… there was the Samaritan woman by the well who had five husbands. Then there was the Roman Centurion who asked Jesus to heal his servant and Jesus was amazed at this man’s faith. There were nine lepers Jesus healed, but only one returned and dropped to Jesus’ feet in thanks. He was a Samaritan. The 12 Jesus picked to disciple, from a tax collector to a political zealot and surely, they had animosity toward each other. There must have been some very intense and interesting dinner time discussions!

Jesus included everyone. He still does. That means you too. The hard part is knowing the right things to say and do to include others. The verse, “Don’t be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good” presses on my heart. I’m sure you have had experiences where you did the right thing and much later, maybe years later, it turned out to be a wonderful thing. I enjoy the people at my local grocery and always visit with them, ask how they are, trade jokes and sometimes our challenges. One of the clerks moved, married and has a lovely home, children and career and we marvel at our relationship that came out of something unexpected and ordinary.

Musings

The reality is we don’t work, worship, live with what society and the media portray. My circle is struggling, everyday people, like me. Jesus’ circle was struggling everyday people too. He overcame evil with good in his earthly life and does so now. No cancel culture. Such simple efforts at relationships with our Father, ourselves and our communities makes life so much better. And hopeful. And rewarding.

Prayer

Dear Father,

Thank you for including us in everything! Some things are secrets that we will know someday and many things are available right now. Help us to not berate, demean, exclude or cancel ourselves and others. Remind us you are here every moment to encourage, set straight, include and most of all, love us. You make everything beautiful in its time.

Amen.

But necessary

“There is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love.” 1 John 4:18 NASB

“To love at all is to be vulnerable, love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” C.S. Lewis – Four Loves

I love authentic people, not only are they easy and fun to be with, but they give me courage to live authentically. They’re warm, inviting, graceful, joy filled.  They are not perfectionists. I leave their presence feeling just a bit better. Enlarged. May we be courageous enough to do the same.

And you will get hurt. You will be stunned. You will have a broken heart. You will be betrayed. You will be criticized and sometimes cruelly by spineless creatures on the Internet. Sometimes our own family. Yet, love we must, authentically, or it’s not love. It’s probably some people-pleasing, approval-seeking, manipulative, codependent behavior. It’s making someone else responsible for my well-being, my sense of self, validation. If that person disapproves, then I crumble. Thank God!  Work to do. There’s only one Person who can give us perfect love. And he waits for an invitation. He does not cross boundaries, threaten or intimidate. He does it perfectly. Where is our treasure? Where is our self-image? What is our idea of success?  

People die. Pets die. Plants die.  I read somewhere that the greater the love the greater the grief. Grief is the final act of loving someone. But it’s authentic, painful, agonizing, but part of who we are. What an empty life without authenticity. Love. The good and the bad. Joyful and despairing.

Musings

The most authentic, unassuming, validating Person I know is Jesus. From rabble-rousing fishermen, tax collectors, prostitutes to me, what an authentic person! He had no advantages. He grieved. He wept. No status. No sports cars. No designer clothes. No media platform. No agent. Yet, people were drawn to him. Changed with him. Loved with him. Died for him. He experienced everything and more.

Prayer

Father,

Thank you that you have made us unique individuals with stewardship over the talents you’ve given. Help us to live authentically for that is the only way we can truly live and love. Love hurts sometimes. Your beloved son knows this. “For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.” Thank you for joy and a life with all the colors.

Amen.

“As for me, it matters very little how I might be evaluated by you or by any human authority. I don’t even trust my own judgment on this point.” 1 Corinthians 4:3 NLT

 “Don’t judge me by my past I don’t live there anymore.” Anonymous

It feels so good when someone approves of me. It hurts when they don’t.

It feels so good when I receive recognition for something I’ve accomplished. It’s so discouraging when I don’t.

It feels so good to be taken care of. It’s scary when I alone must be responsible.

Do my parents define me? I think, to some extent, this is the one that traps me. False images and experiences as children that are so deeply embedded.

Does my boss?

My friends?

My enemies?

My church?

Boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse?

You?

Drinking/using?

Things?

Having people we love and who love us is important. Our Father know this and blesses it. People make this journey so much better with encouragement, support, love and wisdom. However…

I am not everyone’s cup of tea. And that’s a good thing too, though it doesn’t feel that way. In fact, rejection is a brutal teacher, but teach he does.

Who defines us? Some self-improvement books say we do. God says we have a new nature and we do, but it’s a gift.  In my new family, my behavior or performance is moot. Transformation takes hold, which our heavenly Father does with joy, but we must be open to it. Many times we get a glimmer, a token of the beautiful inside us and we trust our Father’s definition of who we are. Real confidence.

Musings

We are chosen and loved by our Father. This takes a lifetime of grasping. If we could take into our heart just how loved by our Father we are, what would we say and do? The Prodigal is such a beautiful example. Joseph knew God meant the harm his brothers inflicted on him was for good. It took years! Our Father doesn’t change our personality. He enhances it and uses it for his good pleasure. That’s always good.  Always surprising. Our Father defines us. He delights in us. It’s his approval we seek. His definition. That’s just the kind of children we are. Be you. All the others are taken.

Prayer

Dear Father,

Thank you that we are wonderfully and fearfully made. May we be open to all the unique talents, wisdom and love that are in us and cheerfully share with those in our lives, especially how much you love us.

Amen.

“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, think about these things.” Philippians 4:8 NASB

“If you want to be happy, do not dwell in the past, do not worry about the future, focus on living fully in the present.”
― Roy T. Bennett, the Light in the Heart

Have you had a hard time lately focusing on the good? Boy! I have! I see the news and I feel powerless and frightened. Someone close is in the midst of an addiction and I’m powerless to help. But the most disturbing problems are the everyday woes like finances, work, kids and we’re instructed to dwell on the positive. Bad news: It’s hard. More bad news: discipline. Everything is the battle of the mind.

 I read somewhere if you know how to worry; you know how to meditate. I think that’s what Paul’s saying in the above verse. What we think about, or obsess over, determines our life. Fortunately, our Father knows we can’t do it without his help, which is why he left us his word, an example to follow, grace, fellow believers and a hotline to his presence.

I was given a 90-day challenge for dealing with a person in my life. The anger in my mind and soul was tormented with all the mean, sneaky, and unfeeling words and actions this person had done to me. The challenge was 90 days of praise for this person. If I criticized this person just once, I had to start over in my challenge. This person had many praiseworthy qualities. He was smart, handsome, talented, well-read and more. I started over many times before I made it to 90 days.  Did it change the situation? No. Did the person change? No. Did I change? Yes. I became a more peaceful person and the interesting part was all the good changes I saw in me. Was it hard? Oh my! Yes. Was it worth it? Yes. The only person I have control over is me and that is overwhelming too. There’s my business. There’s God’s business. Sometimes I confuse the two.

Musings

Viktor Frankl, a Holocaust survivor, wrote a book, Man’s Search For Meaning. It’s about a horrendous time in a Nazi war camp. Here’s a quote from his book: “When we are no longer able to change a situation – we are challenged to change ourselves.” This is the only way to live fully. We must keep our eye on the ball.

Prayer

Dear Father,

We thank you for so many blessings and we can’t name them all. We know following your son means challenges, character development and putting the focus on you in all our life experiences. There’s always something worthy of praise, even when the feelings refuse to participate.

Help us to keep our focus on you, where it truly belongs.

Amen.

But Jesus said to them, “A prophet is not without honor except in his own country, among his own relatives, and in his own house.” Now he could do no mighty work there, except that He laid His hands on a few sick people and healed them. And He marveled because of their unbelief. Mark 6:4-6 NKJV

“It’s not the parts of the Bible I don’t understand that bother me, it’s the part I do understand.” Mark Twain

Familiarity. We want to reach and help our closest relatives. Jesus did too. Most of his family thought he was, for lack of a better word, unbalanced at best. We know Jesus’ life was threatened many times. The people we love the most may reject God. It feels like they reject you and, in a way, it is rejection of you. They know our hot buttons, how to create chaos, our deeply embedded flaws, turn the tables and we freeze. We feel like failures. Where’s our courage? Where’s our love? Where’s our trust? We’ve been wounded and still need healing ourselves. Maybe we feel like we cast our pearls and we were torn apart. Maybe we were.

What can we do? Detach in love. Go about your business and God’s business. Pray for our family members. If they need food, give it to them. If they need companionship, sit with them. Do this for your Father and you won’t feel resentment. He sees. He loves. All.

Sometimes it’s another that will reach your loved one. That happened to me with my husband. It was a dear friend of his and a book, Evidence that Demands a Verdict, that turned his heart. Look and pray for an opportunity for those that sincerely want an answer, want healing, want something greater than themselves.

Musings

We Black Sheep/Scapegoat types are so aware of our sins and faults; we don’t risk sharing our hope with another. Sometimes that’s good. We need to be right with our Father and the healing he brings. Usually, we help most when our relationship with our father, ourselves and the others we meet are the foundation for sharing our faith. We are encouraged by others and Bible characters that did wonderful and miraculous things, while still being a flawed human being. And sometimes we “put the oxygen mask on ourselves first.”

Jesus was the only one who was perfect. He was still rejected. It’s part of the deal here on Earth. But he gently heals us through the Holy Spirit, the Word, others and prayer. It worked then. It works now because he is the same yesterday, today and in the future.

Prayer

Dear Father,

Thank you that even the sparrow is noticed by you. Thank you for looking after our dear family members, friends and co-workers. Help us to remember it is a partnership with you when speaking and helping our loved ones. Help us to remember you love them more than we ever could. You love us more than they ever could. That’s our confidence. That’s our hope.

Amen.

“The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom, and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding.” Proverbs 9:10 NIV

“Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the assessment that something else is more important than fear”. — Franklin D. Roosevelt

So much to fear! The wars, health, inflation, border crisis, criminals, drugs and corruption are blasted at us every minute of the day. Personal problems, work problems, family issues, commuting with out-of-sight gas prices and corruption in high places take over too.

As a wise man said, “There’s nothing new under the sun.”

We numb fear with drinking, eating, using drugs, spending, over-exercising and more addictive and fruitless behaviors.

Or we deny the fear. I tried this with my husband’s terminal disease. Luckily, I did not do this for very long. I thank God for leading me through that fiery furnace! It wasn’t pleasant at all, but the right things and persons were there right on time.

Or we huddle with like-minded, fear-driven people and complain. We yell at the TV. We reject opportunity. Opportunity right in our homes and communities.

Or we get creative. God said fear is the beginning of wisdom. Paul states that once we are God’s, we are members of the “upward call of Christ.” What is this really about? What do I need to learn?

Fear motivates but it doesn’t sustain. It doesn’t turn our focus into positive action.  Analysis paralysis. We stew. Chew our nails. Excuse our behavior, “once this has passed, I’ll start that new class, speak in front of people, confront the boss.” And we never do it because we’re waiting for fear to go away. It never does.

Fear feelings will always be a part of the human condition. We live in the fallen world.  So where do we place our focus? On our Father. We throw ourselves on the “mercy seat” and find grace. We open our heart to what our efforts can provide, no matter how small. Jesus blessing the child’s lunch of a few fish and bread.

Musings

Recall the situations in your past how our Father came through. How he provided. How he counseled. How we grew. The people he brought into our lives. Focus on what to do today. I can’t live in the future or the past, not with any positive effect anyway. Jesus counseled that we can’t even change a hair on our head or add to our life span. That’s our Father’s job. Ours is to look for opportunities to share our faith by action or words with our families, communities and the “upward call.”

Prayer

Dear Father,

We admit we’re afraid, at least anxious about the things we cannot control. We remember the Serenity Prayer that cautions us to “accept what we cannot change and the courage to change what we can and the wisdom to know the difference.” Wisdom replaces fear, serenity replaces anxiety, and courage replaces paralysis because of you. Thank you.

Amen.

“The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?” Jeremiah 17:9

“You cannot solve a problem from the same consciousness that created it. You must learn to see the world anew.” – Albert Einstein

Most of the problems I’ve had were bad decisions. Feelings were the determining factor.

I feel like one more drink. Wrong decision.

But this relationship feels right! Ignore the red flags.

I feel this is this house for me. Ignore the cost, taxes, insurance. It’ll work out.

I feel unloved. So, I isolate and prove it’s true. Or lash out.

I feel like an imposter! So I act like a wimp and seek approval like a starving person. “Please tell me I’m okay.”

How many feelings do you have each day? I confess I have several. Anger, sadness, excitement, pride, boredom, despair and many, many more. If I acted on the feelings alone, my life would still be a disaster! You?

Love can be a feeling, but it’s based on action. “By their fruit, you will know them.”

Hope can be a feeling. And this is confusing. Is it wishful thinking disguised as hope? A magic genie? Or trust and my actions reflect that trust.

Is faith a feeling? Well, Abraham went out not knowing where he was going. Noah built an ark without knowing the end-game. I’m sure their feelings were mixed at best. There was probably some fear, anxiety, unsteadiness, wonder. But they did what they did in faith. That obedience thing.

Is joy a feeling? It can be mistaken for happiness, which is a feeling determined by circumstances outside ourselves. Circumstances outside of us will disappoint, eventually. The new car? The perfect job? Yes, even the new spouse. Joy is rock-solid trust in our Father, knowing we are loved and knowing we’re okay, even when things are painful or confusing.

Sometimes I feel needy. I manipulate others to take care of my feelings. Honesty/vulnerability would be much better. “I feel needy. Could we talk about it? Have you felt needy?”

Do I control others with worry? When I worry, I place a heavy burden on others. That doesn’t mean we don’t share, pray or find assistance for a problem, but when I’m stuck worrying about the same thing over and over? Do I believe the more I worry  that it proves my love? The more earnest my prayer is?

Control with anger? Ultimatums: “If you do this one more time, I’ll turn blue and stomp my feet. Then you’ll be sorry!”

God has feelings too. Jesus in Gethsemane with sweat like blood, yet he continued with his mission out of love for his Father. I’m sure his feelings were beyond comprehension, despairing and oh so painful. When he forgave from the cross, his feelings were not celebratory. In a perfect act of love, he suffered for us. Jesus mastered his emotions and deliberately chose obedience. In Hebrews, it says, “For the joy set before him, he endured the cross.”  Delayed gratification. Not my favorite thing to do.

Musings

Feelings are fickle! Sometimes they lie! Create all kinds of chaos if they’re not mastered. With help from our Father and the Holy Spirit, we master our feelings. It is a lifetime project for sure. Many times it’s very unpleasant. When I was a child, I acted like a child, but now I’m a grown-up.

Good feelings come. They are wonderful! They are a blessing! God gave them to us. God has feelings too. But… the good feelings come when I do the right thing. And it may be a long time for the good feeling to come. Will I stay faithful? I’m better, but I have a long, long way to go.

Prayer

Dear Father,

Thank you for feelings, the good ones and unpleasant ones. Feelings can teach us, warn us, embrace us, lift us, encourage us, but they can’t be trusted all the time. You can be. Help us to master our feelings and make wise decisions. Help us to be vulnerable with each other with loads of grace.

Amen.