“The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?” Jeremiah 17:9

“You cannot solve a problem from the same consciousness that created it. You must learn to see the world anew.” – Albert Einstein

Most of the problems I’ve had were bad decisions. Feelings were the determining factor.

I feel like one more drink. Wrong decision.

But this relationship feels right! Ignore the red flags.

I feel this is this house for me. Ignore the cost, taxes, insurance. It’ll work out.

I feel unloved. So, I isolate and prove it’s true. Or lash out.

I feel like an imposter! So I act like a wimp and seek approval like a starving person. “Please tell me I’m okay.”

How many feelings do you have each day? I confess I have several. Anger, sadness, excitement, pride, boredom, despair and many, many more. If I acted on the feelings alone, my life would still be a disaster! You?

Love can be a feeling, but it’s based on action. “By their fruit, you will know them.”

Hope can be a feeling. And this is confusing. Is it wishful thinking disguised as hope? A magic genie? Or trust and my actions reflect that trust.

Is faith a feeling? Well, Abraham went out not knowing where he was going. Noah built an ark without knowing the end-game. I’m sure their feelings were mixed at best. There was probably some fear, anxiety, unsteadiness, wonder. But they did what they did in faith. That obedience thing.

Is joy a feeling? It can be mistaken for happiness, which is a feeling determined by circumstances outside ourselves. Circumstances outside of us will disappoint, eventually. The new car? The perfect job? Yes, even the new spouse. Joy is rock-solid trust in our Father, knowing we are loved and knowing we’re okay, even when things are painful or confusing.

Sometimes I feel needy. I manipulate others to take care of my feelings. Honesty/vulnerability would be much better. “I feel needy. Could we talk about it? Have you felt needy?”

Do I control others with worry? When I worry, I place a heavy burden on others. That doesn’t mean we don’t share, pray or find assistance for a problem, but when I’m stuck worrying about the same thing over and over? Do I believe the more I worry  that it proves my love? The more earnest my prayer is?

Control with anger? Ultimatums: “If you do this one more time, I’ll turn blue and stomp my feet. Then you’ll be sorry!”

God has feelings too. Jesus in Gethsemane with sweat like blood, yet he continued with his mission out of love for his Father. I’m sure his feelings were beyond comprehension, despairing and oh so painful. When he forgave from the cross, his feelings were not celebratory. In a perfect act of love, he suffered for us. Jesus mastered his emotions and deliberately chose obedience. In Hebrews, it says, “For the joy set before him, he endured the cross.”  Delayed gratification. Not my favorite thing to do.

Musings

Feelings are fickle! Sometimes they lie! Create all kinds of chaos if they’re not mastered. With help from our Father and the Holy Spirit, we master our feelings. It is a lifetime project for sure. Many times it’s very unpleasant. When I was a child, I acted like a child, but now I’m a grown-up.

Good feelings come. They are wonderful! They are a blessing! God gave them to us. God has feelings too. But… the good feelings come when I do the right thing. And it may be a long time for the good feeling to come. Will I stay faithful? I’m better, but I have a long, long way to go.

Prayer

Dear Father,

Thank you for feelings, the good ones and unpleasant ones. Feelings can teach us, warn us, embrace us, lift us, encourage us, but they can’t be trusted all the time. You can be. Help us to master our feelings and make wise decisions. Help us to be vulnerable with each other with loads of grace.

Amen.

What is this really about?

“And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh.” Ezekiel 36:26 ESV

“When pure sincerity forms within, it is outwardly realized in other people’s hearts.”-Lao Tzu

Difficult people! Tough situations! But no one has our number like our family, do they?

Who can shatter with one look? You know–that eye-brow lift that condemns?

Who can diminish with a not-so-well-meaning phrase? Example: Are you losing weight? Here, have a cookie.

Who can share your most intimate experiences behind your back? Can you feel the shame or anger rise in you?

Family dinner. The liberal accuses the conservative of being unfeeling and without empathy. The conservative bites back that the liberal has no head, understanding or the consequences of emotional decisions. One thinks the other is boring and rigid. The other thinks she has no heart. And then the extremes of each is volleyed! What a nice dinner! Mashed potatoes are washable.

Aha! Family! The ones that are supposed to love us. The ones we’re supposed to love back. The ones that know our weaknesses even better than we do. And you know theirs.

What is this really about?

Coming from a very dysfunctional family is what it’s about. You did. Your siblings did. Your spouse did. Your best friend did. Your boss did. We all sin and fall short. Probably the trickiest is our family and affects all other relationships. We learned, whether we were aware or not, how to adapt, limp and shoot from the hip, especially we black sheep/scapegoat types. Survival!

 Then the biggie: open your heart.

Then everything becomes unicorns, roses, fairy dust and rainbows. Actually, not at all. Our Father gently but firmly puts my focus back on him. We take out our emotional garbage. He may remind us that our siblings came from the same dysfunction, but they experienced it and adapted differently that we did—they were in survival mode too. Then our Father reminds us of how precious and loved we are by him. Then we open our heart. We challenge the dysfunction, not the person. We set boundaries on what is acceptable and what is not. The “here, have a cookie” is met with “no thank you.” The gossip is met with silence trusting the Father to reveal the truth. The liberal/conservative debates are met with, “With God all things are possible.” And we trust. We trust our Father. We gain patience. We gain peace. We let go. God reveals what a beautiful, “New Creation” we are. We live. We love. We are thankful for the lessons.

Musings

Almost every complaint, whine and story shows what a righteous person (victim, usually) I am compared to the other in my story. Then the question: “What is this really about?” There’s my business and God’s business. My business is to give this person space and pray. Seek help, if truly troublesome. My business is not to internalize and personalize actions and comments that come from a dysfunctional family, living or dead. If I’m to do more, God will gently open a way.

Prayer

Dear Father,

Thank you for our church families. Thank you for our Earthly families. Both are opportunities to grow in grace and love looking to you to fill our neediness. You are readily available to show us how loved we are no matter the blind spots we have. Love is a discipline too, but it’s the thing that lasts forever.

Amen.

“Therefore there is now no condemnation at all for those who are in Christ Jesus.” Romans 8:1 NASB (Emphasis mine)

“The more we let God take us over, the more truly ourselves we become – because He made us. He invented us. He invented all the different people that you and I were intended to be. . .It is when I turn to Christ, when I give up myself to His personality, that I first begin to have a real personality of my own.” C.S. Lewis

How do you talk to your pet? Do you say, “Good boy/girl! Oh, you’re so pretty/handsome! You’re so smart!” Now, how do you talk to yourself? Do you say, “I’m such an idiot! I look like hell today! My body disgusts me! How could I have done such a thing? I’ll never get over this.” Those condemning words are not from our heavenly father. They’re from a critical parent, boss, significant person, the Enemy and our own brainwashed mind. And they’re lies! The battle in our minds!

Sometimes, most times, Black Sheep, Scapegoats, dysfunctional people and sinners dwell on the negative about themselves and hurt themselves over and over! Dwelling, ruminating, navel-gazing and self-sabotage rule the day. Like picking at a scab and letting it fester. A victim, again!

Somehow, we think the harder we are on ourselves the better we’ll be. NOT TRUE! This has failed us over and over. And our Father knows this. In fact, the harder we dwell on our shortcomings, mistakes and sins, the more power they gain. That’s not our goal, but that’s the result. What do we do?

There’s no condemnation from God. We can honestly tell him everything. Pour our hearts out to him. Hold nothing back. Hide nothing. He knows anyway! We are free to do this because we know “the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere.” No condemnation! None! Nada! Bupkis! Then authentic and life-giving transformation begins.

Musings

Start talking to yourself like you would a good friend or beloved pet. It’ll be difficult at times. Ask your Father to show you the way. He will. Gently. Don’t focus on the negative. You’ll only give it power. Focus on him. He’ll give you power. And think how fruitful you’ll become.

Prayer

Dear Father,

Thank you for your gentleness. Thank you for your acceptance. Thank you that you made us. You called us good when you created us. As we go throughout our day, please remind us of all the good we are and do. It’s not arrogance. That’s insecurity. It’s confidence. God confidence. We see it in your son. May we take hold of it.

Amen.

“Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me.” Revelations 3:20 NIV

“The Christian does not think God will love us because we are good, but that God will make us good because He loves us.” C.S. Lewis

It’s my son’s birthday today. When he was born, screaming and squished discovering his tongue, I fell in love with him. There was nothing I would not do for him. It’s the closest feeling and experience I’ve had to how much God loves us, his children. My son had not done one thing to earn my love. He didn’t need to. I just loved.

1^st John describes us as little children. God loves us perfectly and without earning anything (as if we could), and even though I love my son more than life, I have not loved him perfectly.

We have an intimate, soul-building relationship with our father too. Like all relationships, there’s laughter, encouragement, lessons, discipline, trials, conversations, apologies, listening (the hard one) and more. I don’t always understand my son. He doesn’t always understand me. Troubles come from lack of understanding. Taking things personally, reacting out of anger, silent treatments, temper tantrums and slamming doors are part of the human relationship experience. It’s not fair! Has been shouted by young and old.

How many times have I done this with my heavenly father? Many, many times. There’s still things I hang onto where I feel God wronged me. Got to fess up. Unload. With grace. Slowly, transformation and gratefulness fills the heart. Some of our spiritual greats have done this too. Jonah didn’t want to go to Nineveh. I don’t think he ever came full-circle on this one. Elijah fell into a great depression. David and his erring ways with Bathsheba and the murder of her husband certainly deserves attention. God loved. God restored. God transformed.

Musings

We have a 24-hour-a-day relationship with ourselves.  Thankfully, we have the same with our Father. He’s more than a 911 hotline, more than a loving friend, more than Santa Clause. He loves us so much that he wants to spend all his time with us. He loves us so much that he transforms our character. He loves us so much that he grieves with us.  He loves to just be with us. And we don’t earn it. It, too, is a priceless gift. May we enjoy him today and every day.

Prayer

Dear Father,

We aren’t a puppet; we are a partner with you. You are first in all our relationships. Because of you and our relationships with you, we are transformed into more loving people. More like your son. We take you with us every minute of our day, in everything we do and say with thanks.

Amen.

“Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed,” says the LORD, who has compassion on you.” Isaiah 54:10 NIV

“Difficult roads often lead to beautiful destinations.” Unknown

Rainy days and Sundays get me down, the song goes. Winter blahs. Rinse and repeat. Trudging. Plodding. Same old, same old. The world is a mess. People at each other’s throats with blaming, warring and bullying. I’m sure Jesus and his disciples trudged through dusty roads, same food or hungry, harassed by politicians, the unstable, sick and the religious elite. We get the same.

We also get to be available to love. To contribute. To seek opportunity in the gray, painful and dismal. To seek answers from the Word and other Christians.

Then I decide to pray. Why do I save prayer for last? Why do I forget that He is always with me? Why do I forget he will not forsake me? Why am I afraid?

Because I’ve limited my father. Because I’ve limited my father’s power. Because I’m trying to go in my own strength and not trust in my father.

We’ve adopted rules and regulations for prayer from those we’ve elected as spiritually superior. The longer the prayer, the more effective, we think. The longer on our knees, the more pious and humble. Then why does Hebrews declare that we are to come to the Throne of Grace boldly (Hebrews 4:16)? Why does the Bible say we are a Royal Priesthood (1 Peter 2:9)? Because he loves us. Because he loves others. Because the victory is the Lord’s. The power is his and not man’s. And God delights in this.

Musings

Today, the news is heart-wrenching and full of fear. Actually, the news is always heart-wrenching and full of fear. A simple prayer offered in all sincerity should be first on my list. God help them. God help me. God save me. God save them. The details are my father’s. I trust the Holy Spirit, prayer and the word to lead to beautiful destinations. Prayer first.

Prayer

Dear Father,

Thank you that you’re with us always, even to the end. Thank you for your power in our personal lives and in the world. We will not be moved. Your unfailing love is ours today and tomorrow. Even a simple prayer like “help me” or “save me” is answered by you. Help us to remember to abide in you and with you. “I believe. Help my unbelief.”

Amen.

“Be not anxious for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than the food, and the body than the raiment? Behold the birds of the heaven, that they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; and your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are not ye of much more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add one cubit unto the measure of his life? And why are ye anxious concerning raiment? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin: yet I say unto you, that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.” Matthew 6:25-28 KJV

“Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, faith looks up.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

Yes, I’m one of those people. I believe in God, I have faith, I know Jesus died for me, grace is mine. Understanding does not mean I’m at peace.  Grace does not mean I’m not tempted. Belief did not replace my worry. Grief wrestles me to the ground. Knowing Jesus died for me doesn’t mean I’m thrilled to take risks. I believe but my actions say differently. What do your actions say about you?

Acting even when the feelings are scary, risky, demanding is faith. Courage is not the absence of fear but action even when fearful. Do not fear, do not be afraid is written 365 times in the Bible. It must be important. It must be true. And yet… I doubt. Big time.

Waking up from a nightmare of monsters, witches, vicious animals, falling from a cliff and being naked in front of the world are common and frightful dreams for young and old. Yet, comfort comes from a partner, friend, parent, spouse with a hug and assurance, “Do not be afraid. I am with you.” They may shine a light in the dark corners, under the bed, through a window to reassure. Light. And the darkness does not comprehend it.

God is with us. Immanuel means God is with us. Do not be afraid.

Musings

From what people think of us to an unexpected diagnosis, from worrying over a child to how to pay the bills, from the world’s turmoil to my beloved country’s major problems, I am instructed to not be anxious. Do not be afraid. I am with you. I have overcome the world. Neither death nor anything can separate me from the love of God. And when I fall into fear, there’s grace and everlasting arms to rescue. Not as the world rescues.

Prayer

Father, thank you that I do not have to be anxious or afraid, but I still do fear at times. This world frightens me every day. You made me with feelings and sometimes fear overtakes me. Remind me in the middle of my storm that I can be like Peter was in his storm at sea, “Lord, help me.” You reach out. You take my hand.

Amen.

“Your kindness will reward you, but your cruelty will destroy you.” Proverbs 11:17

“Kindness is a gift everyone can afford.” Unknown

A birdhouse. A cute, blue, handmade birdhouse taught me this in the midst of my pain when journeying with husband during his end stage dementia. This little birdhouse sits in my living room because I haven’t the will to share it with the birds yet. I provide for the birds, believe me, but this little birdhouse taught me how profound kindness is.

It was made by an elderly gentleman who liked my husband and was in the care home for physical rehabilitation. He was very kind to my husband and ate breakfast with him until my husband could no longer eat. He checked in on my husband. Talked to my husband no matter what devastation was displayed. He also spent time with me and marveled at my stamina. Hugged me. When my hubby entered hospice, this gentleman gave me the birdhouse he built. Tears sprang from my eyes. Oh, how I felt loved by his kindness. Oh, how I remember his kindness to my husband, especially since dementia victims are so lacking.

This gentleman met a woman in the care center who also was enduring physical rehabilitation. They encouraged each other, fell in love and married in the care center’s cafeteria. There were hearts, streamers, confetti, well wishes and a beautiful cake designed and baked by the staff. It was wonderful! My husband and I were in attendance. Tears again. On to their new little home with each other. Kindness.

This man was so kind to me, my husband and the woman he fell in love with. He was 80-plus years. So was his sweetie. His kindness was hugely rewarded. God keeps his word. Kindness was rewarded.

Kindness is a fruit of the spirit, even kindness toward yourself. In fact, the harder you are on yourself, the harder we are on others. You know that “as a man thinks, so is he.” The kinder you are to yourself, the more kindness overflows from you. You can never run out of kindness.

Musings

Kindness is so rich and yet never runs out no matter what’s occurring in our lives. Kindness is so rewarding with interest! It can be kindness to an animal, a lonely child, a grieving widow, a shut-in, or even yourself. Even little children can do kindness and they do it so innocently. Kindness reaps such a joyful reward from our father.

Prayer

Dear Father,

Thank you for your kindness and the kindness of your son and the Holy Spirit. No matter our problems, heartaches, griefs, kindness is ours to spend. Kindness is ours to enjoy. It’s one of your fruits. Jesus displayed the ultimate kindness on the cross yet even a cup of cold water is kindness.

Amen.

“Train up a child in the way he should go, even when he grows older, he will not abandon it.” Proverbs 22:6 NASB

“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.” James Baldwin

Gotta say I internalized some very harmful images and beliefs from my mom. She had the power. She had sarcasm that could split a boulder and rip a child’s heart to shreds. She was the foundation and epitome of my Black Sheepness and eternal shame. There was physical abuse but mostly emotional abuse. She trained me up in the way I would go and it was disastrous! It was unconscious! It was a pattern of abuse from her family tree—that’s my family tree too. The cycle raged on. And rage it was. Of course, as a child, I had no clue. Dad was just absent. He brought home the paycheck, kept the home and cars going and that’s how it was. He was present physically but not mentally and emotionally. They were very flawed individuals that had no grip on healthy ways of being in the world but not of the world. They were in extreme pain. Their parents were too. A vicious, dead-end cycle.

No clue how valuable and precious children are. No clue how valuable and precious they were. How valuable and precious you are.

Then I had my son. Like the proverbial pendulum, I went the other way from abuse to indulgence. However, I was seeking God, went to a faithful church, received counseling, placed my son in a Christian school. The good: I modeled a work ethic, spiritual hunger and curiosity, worked with my son on homework, had fun like fishing, swimming, playing games. At the church he met good men who modeled fatherhood, confidence, accountability and affection. All was not lost. My son is a grown man now with a beautiful wife and family, pillar in the community and loves. Perfectly? Heavens no! He needs grace as much as the next person. But the abuse cycle is broken.

It works both ways. Train up a child…

Musings

We can train up ourselves with our father’s help. He longs to love us and make us more like his son. We can train up our children with our father’s help because he loves them and wants to make them more like his son. Our father has given us everything we need for “life and godliness.” Community.

Sometimes we need church parents to guide us. Sometimes we need to parent church kids. Most of all, we need to believe in how loved we are and model that love to others, especially our children.

“We draw people to Christ not by loudly discrediting what they believe, by telling them how wrong they are and how right we are, but by showing them a light that is so lovely that they want with all their hearts to know the source of it.”

Madeleine L’Engle

May we demonstrate this above all with our children.

Prayer

Dear Father,

No matter the childhood tragedies in our lives, help us to remember the Prodigal Son’s father as the picture of you. Help us to remember what the father said to the Prodigal, “My son, everything I have is yours.” Help us to remember the father embracing his son in front of all the religious elite. Help us to remember you are this father. May we live this with our families and teach them you’re always with them. We can’t always be with our children but you can You are.

Thank you.

Amen.

“But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed.” Isaiah 53:5 NIV

“Our wounds are often the openings into the best and most beautiful part of us.” David Richo

No one can help a parent who has lost a child like a parent who has lost a child.

No one can help a single mom like a single mom.

No can help a cancer victim like a cancer victim.

No one can help an addict like a recovering addict.

No one can help an abuse victim like someone who’s survived abuse.

No one can help someone with suicidal thoughts like someone who’s held on to life when all was lost.

“Out of our wounds come our greatest ministry” has been said over and over because there’s so much truth to it. And no one volunteers for this. Our ministry may be our career, but I’ve found it’s people who have suffered, wrestled with their wounds, who find treasure in ministering to others, no matter their vocation.

One thing I’ve learned the hard way is timing. I may have jumped into helping other dementia caregivers before I’d truly come to grips with my own dementia journey. I wouldn’t say healing because there’s always some pain that remains. Always some vulnerability that knocks me down. Accepting that it takes us months or years of prayer, counseling, support before we’re ready to be that vulnerable can be so discouraging. Preparation is necessary. Envision your father comforting you, guiding you, loving you in and through the turmoil and pain. Talk to yourself as your best friend. I bet you’d be gentle and patient to your best friend.

But when you reach that one with your story and knowledge, it’s like winning the spiritual lottery! You’ve overcome evil with good! Some healing and hope has been shared. Some beauty from tragedy is felt. Redemption.

Musings

Even Bible greats needed time, prayer, support and reflection after enduring tragedy and loss. The Psalms are filled with stories of this. Many respected Christian authors, pastors and counselors have shared their hope years after wrestling with their deep wounds. We are no different. It’s in God’s time and with his great love for his little child before he sends his little, banged up, wounded child.

People will discount, dismiss, ignore, reject and say all kinds of things that will stump and hurt you sometimes when sharing your greatest wound. Remember: This may be part of it too. This is why there’s major preparation, support and faith needed. A little callous over the heart.

Prayer

Dear Father,

Thank you that you gave us each other and your son to heal and give purpose to our scars. Your son still bears the scars of his death. He chose to be vulnerable for our sake, while enduring all kinds of mocking and rejection.

Father, give us wisdom; we don’t want to cast our pearls when we share our wounds. Let us take in deeply your love for us so that we may minister to others, share hope and ease pain.

Amen.