Anger, Rage or Peace

“Whoever is patient has great understanding,
    But one who is quick-tempered displays folly.

A heart at peace gives life to the body,
    but envy rots the bones.

 Whoever oppresses the poor shows contempt for their Maker,
    but whoever is kind to the needy honors God.” Proverbs 14:29-33 ESV

“Angry people want you to see how powerful they are. Loving people want you to see how powerful YOU are.” Chief Red Eagle

We all have times when we’re angry and rightfully so. Anger is a great motivator, but it cannot sustain a whole and peaceful life, and it will never give life to the body.

There is righteous anger, but let’s be careful—feelings can’t always to be trusted. Jesus was angry at the money changers and the leaders of Israel because they were in peril of Hell. They had seen his miracles, listened to his counsel, and seen his humility, but envy ruled. They were also afraid of exile again because of their history of disobedience. Anger at a bad habit gets the ball rolling toward good health and peace of mind.

Anger at injustice may get us to protect the vulnerable and innocent, especially the children, the disabled, the elderly and animals.

Anger at want and need provides the fuel to work and give.

Anger at myself gets me to do some self-reflection and prayer.

But we can’t stay there, nor should we. I see angry people become possessed and dangerous with road rage. I’ve seen others shuck responsibility and be angry because they feel others owe them. I’ve even blamed God for my pain and anger. Anger really can be a tool for harm, like blame and isolation, but at what cost? Your body. Your life. Peace.

Uncomfortable truths and absent self-reflection. I read this in a popular blog post that was answering the question: Why do people repeat unprofitable and destructive behaviors? Here’s why: Who wants to hear uncomfortable truths? Who wants to self-reflect and see the dark abyss inside? Who wants to do the work that is required? Not popular or easy! I admit I don’t enjoy it at all! But I want peace more.

But we have a Father who helps and guides us with our anger. Talking to a counselor, pastor, or wise Christian is a good start. Writing down the anger and putting it away for a bit helps. Prayer helps and is a way to decompress emotions. James tells us, “Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.” Sometimes we are angry with ourselves, and it takes a lot of digging to get to the heart of the matter. Our Father does not want us to live angry in this mixed-up, upside-down, and backward world. “A heart of peace gives life to the body.”

Musings

Albert Einstein said, “We can’t solve problems using the same thinking that created them.” “We have the mind of Christ” (1 Corinthians 2:16). Anger can motivate us to do good things, if we let it.

Prayer

Dear Father,

Thank you for our emotions. Some are so pleasant and some are so uncomfortable—warning lights that flash an urgent need or action.  Help us to honor all our emotions and to handle anger as your Son did with wisdom and love from above.

Amen.

Keep Your Eye on the Ball

“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, think about these things.” Philippians 4:8 NASB

“If you want to be happy, do not dwell in the past, do not worry about the future, focus on living fully in the present.”
― Roy T. Bennett, The Light in the Heart

Have you had a hard time lately focusing on the good? Boy! I have! I see the news, and I feel powerless and frightened. Someone close is sick with an addiction, and I’m helpless to help. However, the most disturbing problems are the everyday woes, such as finances, work, and kids, and we’re instructed to dwell on the positive. Bad news: It’s hard. More bad news: discipline. Everything is a battle of the mind. Change your thoughts, and you will change your life. HARD!

 I read somewhere that if you know how to worry, you know how to meditate. I think that’s what Paul’s saying in the above verse. What we think about, or obsess over, determines our lives. Fortunately, our Father knows we can’t do it without His help, which is why He left us His Word, an example to follow, grace, fellow believers, and a hotline to His presence.

I was given a 90-day challenge for dealing with a person in my life. The anger in my mind and soul was tormented by all the mean, sneaky, and unfeeling words and actions this person had done to me. The challenge was 90 days of praise for this person. If I criticized this person just once, I would have to start over in my challenge. This person had many praiseworthy qualities. He was smart, handsome, talented, well-read and more. I started over many times before I made it to 90 days.  Did it change the situation? No. Did the person change? No. Did I change? Yes. I became a more peaceful person, and the interesting part was all the good changes I saw in myself. Was it hard? Oh my! Yes. Was it worth it? Yes. The only person I have control over is me, and that is overwhelming, too. There’s my business or God’s business. Sometimes I confuse the two.

Musings

Viktor Frankl, a Holocaust survivor, wrote a book, Man’s Search for Meaning. It’s about a horrendous time in a Nazi war camp. Here’s a quote from his book: “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” This is the only way to live fully. We must keep our eye on the ball. That means us.

Prayer

Dear Father,

We thank you for so many blessings, and so many we can’t name them all. We know following your Son means challenges, character development, and putting the focus on you in all our life experiences. There’s always something worthy of praise, even when the feelings refuse to participate.

Help us to keep our focus on you, where it truly belongs.

Amen.

God Loves Them More Than We Do

“For God so [greatly] loved and dearly prized the world, that He [even] gave His [One and] only begotten Son, so that whoever believes and trusts in Him [as Savior] shall not perish but have eternal life.” John 3:16 Amplified Bible

“One of the hardest things you will ever have to do, my dear, is grieve the loss of a person who is still alive.” Jeannette Walls

“Even when I detach, I care. You can be separate from a thing and still care about it.” David Levithan

Do you have someone in your life who is troubled? Ill? Addicted? Clueless? Dead?

We all do, I’m afraid. When my husband was dying and died, I was torn apart. The one thing that kept me knowing that our Father has all under control was the statement, I love him more than you do. Did I understand? No. Did it hurt? Yes.

When my niece, addicted to meth, abandoned her daughter and was nowhere to be found, possibly dead, a quiet voice said, “I love her more than you do.” Did I understand? No. Was there angst? Yes.

Our Father indeed loves them more than we do. There’s evidence. Our Father sent his son to a horrific death filled with shame, torture, and total abandonment by friends, his disciples and his Father. Our Father loved his Son more than we do.

I could not sacrifice my son for the sake of sinners. Just the thought wrenches my heart.

“How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife? Regardless, each one should lead the life that the Lord has assigned to him and to which God has called him.” 1 Corinthians 7:16 Hands off! With love, prayer, wisdom for the day, and attending to my walk with an open heart.

Musings

We must release our loved ones, looking to ourselves and our Father to keep us faithful. Yes, we wrestle with God, and like Jacob, limp. Sometimes, a miracle happens, and the loved one is in remission, rehabilitated, and counseled to lead a Godly life. And sometimes, painfully true, not. So we do not lean on our understanding but release them to our Father with prayer and wisdom. Our Father created them before the foundation of the world.

Prayer

Dear Father,

Our words are insufficient to describe our loved one’s suffering and our overwhelming need to fix them and control the situation. Many times, our suffering is greater than our loved one’s suffering. We see with such clarity how a loved one’s life may end. We are powerless to change it. You experienced even more suffering with your son’s death for us. We ask why, but even if you told us, we wouldn’t understand.

We greatly miss our deceased and estranged loved ones.

We question why as you companion us through the dark. We’ll know someday. We see “darkly.”

We believe. Help our unbelief.

With gratefulness.

Amen.

Who are You When Under Pressure?

“Out of my distress, I called on the Lord; the Lord answered me and set me free. The Lord is on my side; I will not fear. What can man do to me?” Psalm 118:5-6 ESV

“Wealth without work.
Pleasure without conscience.
Knowledge without character.
Commerce without morality.
Science without humanity.
Worship without sacrifice.
Politics without principle.”
From a sermon given by Frederick Lewis Donaldson in Westminster Abbey, London, on March 20, 1925.”

We know Christ’s character. Pressure shows us ours. Pressure shows us Christ’s.  

Being kind, generous, understanding, grateful, and pleasant is easy when all is good with my life. That’s not the true Black Sheep Babz picture. Not by a long shot! My problems and character are nothing compared to the description of Jesus’ character. Broke? I become stingier, forgetting that God supplies all my needs. Lonely? He’s always with me, but I demand the feelings of his presence. Criticized? Here comes bitterness focused on the criticizer. Pressure at work? Blame, blame, worry and control. Watching the news in fear and resentment, forgetting who’s really in charge, is a constant battle.

When grieving the loss of my husband, there was no relief, hope was extinguished, isolation and destructive behaviors multiplied. There was no comfort in knowing Christ grieved. The concept of Christ being the resurrection and the life was not grasped. This was the greatest pressure of my life. The pain seemed to last an eternity. Quick fixes were abundant, with no true healing.

 What was or is your Waterloo? Achilles heel? In hindsight, can you see where Christ bore the pressure with compassion?

Musings

Who am I under pressure? I’m Peter, looking at the waves in the middle of the storm and crying, “Help me!” Sometimes I’m Doubting Thomas praying, “I believe, help my unbelief!”  Sometimes I’m the Samaritan woman Jesus met at the well, skirting hard-to-face truths about myself. Sometimes I’m Pilate asking, “What is truth?” Sometimes I’ve grieved deeply with no hope, like Martha and Mary when Lazarus died. Sometimes I’ve sold out for money. Sometimes I’ve cast my pearls before swine. Sometimes I’ve sown seed in harsh and rocky ground. All under pressure. Thank God for grace. Thank God His mercies are new every morning.

Prayer

Father,

Thank you that we “vessels of clay” have the honor and privilege to “cast all our cares” on you. Jesus demonstrated his love many times in scripture, from washing dirty feet to the most shameful and painful death. All under unfathomable pressure. He did this so we can walk in newness of life and to share His life with others.

Amen.

Abiding in Him

“So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him.” 1 John 4:16 ESV

“If you look at the world, you’ll be distressed. If you look within, you’ll be depressed. If you look at God, you’ll be at rest.” Corrie ten Boom

Abide. It may be a quiet voice that says, “Not yet.” “You’re doing well.” “Talk to me.” “Talk to this person.” “I love you.”

Remain. Rest in Him. Trust his plan. Let go and let God.

When he was little, my son had chicken pox, so no playing outside, no play date, lots of baths with Epsom salts.  He was content reading a book, playing with toys, while I fixed dinner and put some medicine on his itchy spots. He was abiding with me, though we didn’t talk much. We just enjoyed being with each other, even though he was ill. Just being present was enough. Abiding.

We were still active, I with my chores and nursing him, he with reading and playing with his cars, trusting that the illness would pass. We were content and at peace. Abiding. Trusting that Jesus will heal.

Musings

Until I have a relationship with the Father through his Son, I’m not abiding. I’m going on my limited strength, and it’s exhausting! The Father wants a relationship with you and me. He wants us to abide in Him. The more intimate, the more real we become, the more fruit for our lives, others, and the Father’s Kingdom.

Prayer

Dear Father,

We thank you for your constant presence in our lives and the intimate relationships we have with you. Remind us that striving, fixing, earning, worrying, and approval-seeking are going in our strength and not abiding in your presence. Help us to abide in Your presence with contentment, thankfulness, and peace.

Amen.

Father, What’s This About?

“If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.” James 1:5 NIV (Emphasis mine)

“Before you speak, ask yourself if what you are going to say is true, is kind, is necessary, is helpful. If the answer is no, maybe what you are about to say should be left unsaid.” Bernard Meltzer

I received the nicest birthday card from someone who had wounded me terribly in my childhood. It truly was kind, thoughtful and so welcome. You see, my pain was from some physical and emotional abuse at a time when I had no resources, adults, church, or mentor to process this properly. The pain reared its ugly head after my husband’s death, years after the offenses. Grief pulls out all the stops of buried “stuff.” It hurt like hell! And I stuffed it for months.

But it came back.

I wanted to rant and rave and tell this person off! I wanted her to hurt as much as I! Maybe more. I asked our Father for help and I got it. And without finding fault.

She came from a dysfunctional home. I came from a dysfunctional home. No good comes from that until we have a new home. The story of Joseph came to mind. His brothers set out to kill him, but dropped him in a well instead. As we know, Joseph saved his brothers’ lives during a great famine. Joseph never had a chance to tell off his brothers and was imprisoned for years. Dysfunction imprisons for years.

What’s this about? “Do not overcome evil with evil, but overcome evil with good.” So I worked on why I clung to this hurt and anger. Was it because I felt alive? Was it because it was familiar? Was it really my problem? No, I didn’t put myself in a dangerous or harmful situation. She’s worked on her “stuff” too. Will we talk about it? Probably not. She loves me the best she is able—no harm. She has her work to do and she’s doing it. All I’ve done is go about my own business, doing my best with my Father’s help. And I’ve told this rant and rave to my Father many, many times.

The right books fell into my lap. The right people companioned me. Surrender was mine. Rest. Hope. Willingness.

And I have peace.

Musings

No matter if we’ve had a “healthy childhood” or trauma, or a drama-filled childhood, what’s this about puts us on the right track. Life still smacks us (or the Liar) when we’re most vulnerable.  If someone is abusing you. Get out! Get out now!  But most of life is becoming conscious. Most of life is more unlearning than learning. As Einstein said, “You can’t solve your problems with the same mind that got you the problems.”

Prayer

Dear Father,

There are no perfect parents. There are no ideal people. You are perfect and know “what this is about.”

Help us to slow down, breathe, and ask you to help us determine what steps to take, if any. Help us to remember the end of the Serenity Prayer: “Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time, accepting hardship as a pathway to peace, taking as Jesus did this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; trusting that you will make all things right if I surrender to your will so that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with you forever in the next.”

Amen.

Giving Up When It Gets Tough–Character

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.” Galatians 5:22-23 NASB

“The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.” ― Martin Luther King Jr.

Character is a very tall order. I have not accomplished this by any stretch, but I made a list for myself and refer to it when making decisions, arguing, rationalizing, or hanging on to resentments.

 Character is who you are when nobody is looking.

Character is not dependent on feelings.

Character keeps going even when not popular.

Character apologizes and makes amends.

Character knows when to seek help and humbly asks for it.

Character shows up even when it doesn’t feel like it.

Character is humble. If I think I have it, I don’t.

Character relates to others and does not manipulate.

Character keeps commitments.

Character teaches through actions.

Character gives without thought of thanks or repayment.

Character doesn’t control.

Character has a purpose that lives on when gone.

Character is a daily and worthy goal.

Character grows, no matter the circumstances.

Tall order, which only Jesus did. I bet you have thoughts about character, too, which I have not considered.  There is so much to learn about character in the Bible–good and bad.

Musings

If one is stuck on how to have character, I think Emily Dickinson had it when she wrote:

 “If I can stop one heart

From breaking,

I shall not live in vain;

If I can ease one life from aching,

Or cool one pain,

Or help one fainting robin,

Unto his nest again,

I shall not live in vain.”  Character.

Prayer

Dear Father,

Godly character. What a worthy and lifetime goal. We may be elderly or very young. We may be disabled, widowed, sick, or isolated but character is still revealed. We may be successful, loved, and popular and character still peeks through.

Strengthen and encourage our character to come closer to Your Son’s.

With thanks,

Amen.

It Cuts Both Ways

“Train up a child in the way he should go, even when he grows older, he will not abandon it.” Proverbs 22:6 NASB

“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.” James Baldwin

Gotta say I internalized some very harmful images and beliefs from my mom. She had the power. She had sarcasm that could split a boulder and rip a child’s heart. She was the foundation and epitome of my Black Sheepness and eternal shame. There was physical abuse, but mostly emotional abuse. She trained me on how I would go, which was disastrous! It was unconscious! It was a pattern of abuse from her family tree—that’s my family tree, too. The cycle raged on. And rage it was. Of course, as a child, I had no clue. Dad was just absent. He brought home the paycheck, kept the home and cars going, and that’s how it was. He was present physically but not mentally or emotionally. They were flawed individuals with no grip on healthy ways of being in the world, but not of the world. They were in extreme pain. Their parents were, too. A vicious, dead-end cycle.

We may have no clue how valuable children are. No clue how precious they were. How precious you are.

Then I had my son. Like the proverbial pendulum, I went the other way from abuse to indulgence. Discipline was seen as abuse. However, I was seeking God, went to a faithful church, received counseling, and placed my son in a Christian school. The good: I modeled a work ethic, spiritual hunger and curiosity, worked with my son on homework, had fun like fishing, swimming, playing games. He met good men at the church who modeled fatherhood, confidence, accountability and affection. All was not lost. My son is a grown man now with a beautiful wife and family, a pillar in the community and loves fully. Perfectly? Heavens no! He needs grace as much as the next person. But the abuse cycle is broken.

It works both ways. Train up a child… Break the cycle.

Musings

We can train ourselves with our Father’s help. He longs to love us and make us more like his Son. We can train up our children with our Father’s help because he loves them and wants to make them more like His Son. Our Father has given us everything we need for “life and godliness.” Community.

Sometimes we need church parents to guide us. Sometimes we need to parent the church kids. Most of all, we need to believe in how loved we are and model that love to others, especially our children.

“We draw people to Christ not by loudly discrediting what they believe, by telling them how wrong they are and how right we are, but by showing them a light that is so lovely that they want with all their hearts to know the source of it.” Madeleine L’Engle

May we demonstrate with our children, coworkers, friends, acquaintances and ourselves.

Prayer

Dear Father,

No matter the childhood tragedies in our lives, help us to remember the Prodigal Son’s father as the picture of you. Help us to remember what the father said to the Prodigal, “My son, everything I have is yours.” Help us to remember the father embracing his son in front of all the religious elite. Help us to remember you are this father. May we live this with our families and teach them you’re always with them. We can’t always be with our children, but you can.

Thank you.

Amen.

Who is Driving Your Bus?

Who’s in Charge?

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD,” plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11

“People who need to control others don’t have control over themselves.” Unknown

I’ve heard the statement, “Who’s driving your bus?” from many Christian and secular speakers. I ask myself that question every day, especially when embarrassed, angry, frustrated, or dwelling in the past.

My sister traveled many miles to visit me, and when she returned home, she told my other sister that my curtains were dirty and gray. How could she gossip like that? How could she travel and focus on my dusty curtains? I was incensed! She took a long trip to be together, and my curtains were her focus. I told this sister and the other that related the information how small, how nitpicky, how uncaring. And blah, blah, blah. I proceeded to hurt myself and ruminate on it for days! I stepped in it. Her comment behind my back lived in my head rent-free. I took the comment personally and continued to hurt myself with it. Who’s in control? Do I value clean curtains over more important matters? Will it matter in eternity? Whose problem is it?

Mine. All mine. The battle within. Warring with the mind. The ego is in charge. The temper-tantrum wins. How much control do I have over people, places or things? Sibling relationships really test us. They may be the most instructive because they wound the most. Lesson learned.

I took the immature, tantrum-throwing me out of the driver’s seat and asked the Father to be in charge.Oh, and washed all my curtains. I asked the Father, “What is this really about?” It wasn’t curtains. It was dredging up all the negativity from my childhood, living in that muck again. Who wants to live like that? Time to let go and laugh.

Musings.

Every day is filled with choices—big choices and little choices. Who’s making the choice? The past, another, or the Father? How easily the wounded child takes over! How difficult to embrace and take in the love from the Father, especially when another is in our heads. That’s why there’s grace and practice. Relationships give us lots of practice. It’s the “iron that sharpens iron.” Relationships can be pleasant, joyful and rewarding, but they also reveal so much about our wounded past that needs to be accepted, healed and let go.  In this world, Everyone is wounded.

Prayer

Dear Father,

We thank you for our relationships. The most difficult relationships are the ones that teach us about ourselves. How we marvel at how much you love! We can be more effective, more joyful, more peaceful, more generous, and wiser when we meditate on how much You love us. Help us to do so today and love others.

Amen.

Feeling Deprived?

“Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us.” Ephesians 3:20 NASB

“The real spiritual journey is work. You can make a naïve assertion that you trust in Jesus, but until it is tested a good, oh, 200 times, I doubt very much that it’s true.” — Richard Rohr

I pass on dessert and I feel deprived.

I give up drinking and I feel deprived.

I budget my salary and I feel deprived.

I stay home to parent my child and I feel deprived of a career full of money, accolades, attention and notoriety.

I become a Christian and I feel deprived. Others think so too. Can’t do this and I can’t do that. Are you sure God will take care of you? Really? What about… fill in the blank. It comes and many times out of left field. It can be faith-shattering.

Am I deprived? Or just feeling like I am.

Deprivation lies are so easy to sink into. Deprivation lies grow into self-pity and/or self-centeredness, envy of some kind. It’s the battle in the mind and eventually the soul. I do feel deprived! It’s not true I’m deprived, but oh how it feels sometimes. We forget the so-called deprivations we choose are made to obtain something much greater like a healthier body, a child growing up loved and secure, and to become more like Christ now and eternally.

Musings

“Describing the limitations of the will,” psychoanalyst Leslie Farber notes, “I can will knowledge, but not wisdom; going to bed, but not sleeping; meekness, but not humility; scrupulosity, but not virtue; self-assertion or bravado, but not courage; lust, but not love; commiseration, but not sympathy; congratulations, but not admiration; religiosity, but not faith.” But God can.

Prayer

Dear Father,

You never promised an easy journey, but you did promise to never leave us. When we are feeling low, deprived, frightened, struggling with a problem, remind us of all the times you worked in our lives in the past, especially what your son did for us. Remind us of your promises for the future and help us to live fully today.

Amen.