Quick! Fix Me!

“And let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we shall reap if we do not grow weary.” Galatians 6:9 NASB

“The more we let God take us over, the more truly ourselves we become — because he made us. He invented all the different people that you and I were intended to be…. It is when I turn to Christ, when I give up myself to His personality, that I first begin to have a real personality of my own.” C.S. Lewis

I chose the NASB interpretation of this Bible verse because it says to “not lose heart in doing good.” It’s the heart that sits at the center of all we do, are, and become. It’s the heart God measures.

The work we do on ourselves with God’s help to become more like him seems impossible! Actually, it is impossible, but with God, all things are possible. This should be a relief!

 Relationship situations, our bad habits, depression, and discouragement are exhausting. Progress is hard to see. We overcome a challenge, and two more challenges are wagging and winking, sneering and taunting. Whack-a-mole!  And it’s true, whether nine years old or 90 years old, the job is not done. Perfection is not ours, and that’s where grace does its greatest work.

Sometimes the work we do is not our sin but the sin of others that wounded, pierced, and devastated us. And that “how many times do I forgive my brother—77 times” example from the Bible reminds us and haunts us. Heavy sigh. There may not be reconciliation, but forgiveness can still heal us.

If we were “fixed,” complete, done, there are many wonderful lessons we would miss, like:

Compassion

Empathy

Hope

Community

Patience

Perseverance

Humility—ouch!

Vulnerability—I wrote an article for Christian Living Magazine about being a caregiver. Even now, my shame from mistakes and loss of hope is burning my face and ears, but vulnerability and all of the above gifts keep me pursuing and encouraging caregivers. Caregivers are compelled to hide any weakness. They must be strong for the disabled or terminally ill. Until they aren’t. Until they crash. Until they ask for and receive help.

I’m sure you could list more from your life’s journey.

The bottom line is love. Grace is the tool. Gratefulness is the attitude. Those good feelings come. In the meantime, know God is with you, helping you and loving you.

Musings

The Lord’s Prayer instructs us to pray for our daily bread. It seems that our spiritual journey is a daily decision, and the outcome is God’s. In my marriage, the decision to be married was a daily decision. To be a good parent, a daily decision. To be a good boss, employee, or colleague is a daily decision. To love at all is a daily decision. Jesus told us to focus on today. God is the only one who sees the future, and if I focus on being more like him today, the “fix me now!” is resolved because my focus is on him.

Prayer

Dear Father,

We want to be whole, and we want it today. We want others to be fixed, and we want it today. We get tired, anxious, and discouraged on our spiritual journey to become more like your son. Remind us that the transformation and growth are yours, and my part is willingness. It’s a daily decision. Help us not to grow weary in doing good. Help us to remember all the good we’ve accomplished, because of you, with thanks.

Amen

When Someone Hurts You

And They Will

“But even if you should suffer for righteousness’ sake, you will be blessed. Have no fear of them, nor be troubled…” 1 Peter 3:14 ESV

“Do not look for healing at the feet of those who broke you.” ― Rupi Kaur

We will be hurt by someone we love. We will hurt someone we love. It’s a part of life and relationships. It’s risky. I remember the story M. Scott Peck wrote in his book, The Road Less Traveled, about a solitary woman. She went to church, worked, and came home to her cat. She had no conflicts. She had no turmoil or drama. Life was predictable and secure. She avoided all relationship hurt. She avoided all relationship joy. We all have seen someone like this. Perhaps, we were this.

Relationships are risky! They can hurt! A lot!

Here are three things to consider when someone hurts you:

You can let it define you. We pick up others’ opinions like adhesive tape. Someone once asked, “If someone called you a chair, would you be upset?” Of course not! We’re not chairs. But let someone tell us we’re too sensitive, shy, talkative, and on and on, we glue it to our hearts like the gospel.  It isn’t.

Let it destroy you. How many have been with family members or others who strike us, shame us, and dismiss us? How many came close to breaking down? I did. This is not suffering for righteousness’ sake. It’s martyrdom. It’s unhealthy for you, your children, and others who love you. How can God’s glory be in this?

You can let it strengthen you. Here’s where the rubber meets the road, and it’s not for the faint of heart—first, some self-reflection, not rumination. Second, prayer– hold nothing back, He knows anyway.  Third, seek support from a friend, group, or counselor—we need each other. Fourth,  Learn to set boundaries, or resentment will eat you alive, and fifth, a biggie, let it go. Some things aren’t worth the hassle. If it comes back, and it may, let it go again.

Jesus searched and studied the Word for His place and purpose. He “shook the dust off His feet” when unbelievers mocked and tried to trap Him. And He forgave. Forgiveness does not mean reconciliation; it may, but forgive for your sake. He didn’t “hang out” with those who wanted to harm him. The scary thing is he let them go.

Musings

When people are on their deathbeds, relationships are front and center in their minds and hearts. How much money they made, status, and possessions mean nothing. Relationships are the stuff of a full and abundant life here and in Heaven. The Bible is full of relationships! It reads like a melodrama at times, and it is, but it is full of insight. People haven’t changed. The problems they had then are the same problems we have now.

Prayer

Dear Father,

Thank you for our relationships, especially the ones we have with You, because Jesus cleared the way. You have provided everything necessary for healthy and loving relationships, if we seek them.

Help us find our identity and purpose in Your Son, not others. We appreciate praise and recognition from others, but we must not depend on these. We find ourselves when we find You.

Amen.

What’s Lacking in Our Lives?

“He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him over for us all, how will He not also with Him freely give us all things?” Romans 8:32 NASB

“The most important thing is who you become.” Dallas Willard

The most important thing: who we become. And this does not happen quickly; it comes with great difficulty.

My focus lately, probably yours too, is on lack. The gas pump resembles a casino lottery machine! The grocery store may have empty shelves, smaller packaging, and abhorrent prices. Do I buy a gallon or a half-gallon of milk? The birthday party will be a small sleepover in the backyard, rather than a bash at the roller rink. Forget about new carpet this year. Those nearing retirement have lost up to 50 percent of their savings. Some have lost more.

What’s missing?  Over and over in the Bible, our own nation’s history, and our humbling life experiences, we forget who is really in charge. We get “fat and happy.” We forget who truly and freely gives us all things and whose things they are—we’re stewards. But most importantly, our faith, our character, takes a beating. Our Father wants us to become something wonderful through the challenges. Something eternal. Something beautiful. Today. And our Father is not stingy. He said so. He doesn’t lie. “If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him!”

Trust. That’s what’s missing. Whenever we see a lack, it may be an opportunity. I think of planting flowers this time of year because I love them.  I plant one seed, but with time, I receive multiple blooms. It takes weeding, watering,  feeding and patience, but the reward is worth it.  Sharing the blooms is rewarding, too. I confess I am still a rookie when it comes to trust, but the eternal “sowing and harvesting” principle still applies. We always have something to give, no matter how humble.

Musings

Trusting our Father and Jesus is something we practice for the rest of our earthly lives.  Our Father has the past and the future in his hands. Our purpose is to live today fully and in trust. Like the Israelites stepping into the Red Sea, we step into today and watch with wonder. We freely give, like our Father, all good things. All things are His anyway.

Prayer

Dear Father,

We have been going through a tough time and anxiety rules. From the shock of prices at the grocery store, overwhelming bills, and unplanned expenses, we abandon trust in You. Like Peter, we say, “Lord, save me!” We control, complain and worry. Teach us “to cast our anxieties upon you because you care for us.”

Thank you. We trust you.

Amen.

You Belong!

“I will call those who were not my people, ‘My people,’ and I will call her who was unloved,‘My beloved.’”Romans 9:25 NET

“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: “What! You too? I thought I was the only one!” C.S. Lewis

Being a Christian means we belong. We belong to one another. We belong to a king. We have a Wonderful Counselor. We have grace and freedom. We have a connection. We have love. We change. We grow.

 We belong!

My whole being was rejecting the daily mundane duties the other day.  My mind drifted off to high school.  Mind you, I haven’t thought about high school in years. They were harrowing, painful times of dramatic parents, dramatic me, and no connection or belonging. Someday I’ll share that. Why visit this time? Because there was a spot of joy. This spot of pleasure had been neglected for many, many years.

A sweet, shy, handsome Greek boy entered my mind. There isn’t even one celebrity who could compare to this young Greek!  My heart filled when I thought of him, back in art class in my senior year. The class was an hour I relished because of this deep, open, fun Greek student with whom I shared a table.  We shared so many things besides a table. He lost his mom at an early age. His parents emigrated from Greece. He felt awkward around girls. I shared my turbulent upbringing, how I hated liver and onions. Most of all, we laughed at silly things. Our guard was down, and we were authentic with each other. We winked at each other. We flirted. We laughed at our failed art projects. Teased. I couldn’t believe girls weren’t stalking him! What a vibrant, caring, fun, and lovely human being. We belonged.

Work and a personal crisis canceled my art class. We lost touch. Something scarce slipped away.  He was very shy. I was distressed at that point in my life because of teenage angst and confusion. We were no more.

Then he died. Age 18 years. He took his life. That permanent decision for a temporary problem. Belonging? Was that the issue? Belonging is as crucial to life as breathing. He didn’t want to breathe anymore. Of course, I wish I’d phoned him, shared more, and sent him a caring note. Shock! What-ifs are devastating and hard to ignore.

I prayed about him and gave him to my father, who loves this young man more than I did or do. I trust my heavenly father with him. Jesus died for him. He belonged and didn’t know it. May I be more aware of belonging to myself and others. I hope I see him again.

Musings

Belonging. Our father created us to belong. It’s as critical as our heartbeat. May we be brave enough to say, “What, you too? I thought I was the only one.” Slowing down and embracing what is and who is may prevent tragedy and enrich lives. Jesus invites us to his table. “Come! Eat and drink without cost.” We belong. There’s always room at his table.

If you are struggling with loneliness, pray, reach out to a counselor, pastor, or wise friend.  Someone wants you to belong.

Prayer

Father,

Thank you for the gift of belonging. Help us to reach out and be present. We don’t always know which soul needs a gentle touch, an authentic, listening ear, or a warm embrace—belonging. The daily challenges sometimes blind us to what is truly essential for another and our souls. Jesus invited everyone to his banquet. May we do the same.

Amen

Anger, Rage or Peace

“Whoever is patient has great understanding,
    But one who is quick-tempered displays folly.

A heart at peace gives life to the body,
    but envy rots the bones.

 Whoever oppresses the poor shows contempt for their Maker,
    but whoever is kind to the needy honors God.” Proverbs 14:29-33 ESV

“Angry people want you to see how powerful they are. Loving people want you to see how powerful YOU are.” Chief Red Eagle

We all have times when we’re angry and rightfully so. Anger is a great motivator, but it cannot sustain a whole and peaceful life, and it will never give life to the body.

There is righteous anger, but let’s be careful—feelings can’t always to be trusted. Jesus was angry at the money changers and the leaders of Israel because they were in peril of Hell. They had seen his miracles, listened to his counsel, and seen his humility, but envy ruled. They were also afraid of exile again because of their history of disobedience. Anger at a bad habit gets the ball rolling toward good health and peace of mind.

Anger at injustice may get us to protect the vulnerable and innocent, especially the children, the disabled, the elderly and animals.

Anger at want and need provides the fuel to work and give.

Anger at myself gets me to do some self-reflection and prayer.

But we can’t stay there, nor should we. I see angry people become possessed and dangerous with road rage. I’ve seen others shuck responsibility and be angry because they feel others owe them. I’ve even blamed God for my pain and anger. Anger really can be a tool for harm, like blame and isolation, but at what cost? Your body. Your life. Peace.

Uncomfortable truths and absent self-reflection. I read this in a popular blog post that was answering the question: Why do people repeat unprofitable and destructive behaviors? Here’s why: Who wants to hear uncomfortable truths? Who wants to self-reflect and see the dark abyss inside? Who wants to do the work that is required? Not popular or easy! I admit I don’t enjoy it at all! But I want peace more.

But we have a Father who helps and guides us with our anger. Talking to a counselor, pastor, or wise Christian is a good start. Writing down the anger and putting it away for a bit helps. Prayer helps and is a way to decompress emotions. James tells us, “Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.” Sometimes we are angry with ourselves, and it takes a lot of digging to get to the heart of the matter. Our Father does not want us to live angry in this mixed-up, upside-down, and backward world. “A heart of peace gives life to the body.”

Musings

Albert Einstein said, “We can’t solve problems using the same thinking that created them.” “We have the mind of Christ” (1 Corinthians 2:16). Anger can motivate us to do good things, if we let it.

Prayer

Dear Father,

Thank you for our emotions. Some are so pleasant and some are so uncomfortable—warning lights that flash an urgent need or action.  Help us to honor all our emotions and to handle anger as your Son did with wisdom and love from above.

Amen.

Keep Your Eye on the Ball

“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, think about these things.” Philippians 4:8 NASB

“If you want to be happy, do not dwell in the past, do not worry about the future, focus on living fully in the present.”
― Roy T. Bennett, The Light in the Heart

Have you had a hard time lately focusing on the good? Boy! I have! I see the news, and I feel powerless and frightened. Someone close is sick with an addiction, and I’m helpless to help. However, the most disturbing problems are the everyday woes, such as finances, work, and kids, and we’re instructed to dwell on the positive. Bad news: It’s hard. More bad news: discipline. Everything is a battle of the mind. Change your thoughts, and you will change your life. HARD!

 I read somewhere that if you know how to worry, you know how to meditate. I think that’s what Paul’s saying in the above verse. What we think about, or obsess over, determines our lives. Fortunately, our Father knows we can’t do it without His help, which is why He left us His Word, an example to follow, grace, fellow believers, and a hotline to His presence.

I was given a 90-day challenge for dealing with a person in my life. The anger in my mind and soul was tormented by all the mean, sneaky, and unfeeling words and actions this person had done to me. The challenge was 90 days of praise for this person. If I criticized this person just once, I would have to start over in my challenge. This person had many praiseworthy qualities. He was smart, handsome, talented, well-read and more. I started over many times before I made it to 90 days.  Did it change the situation? No. Did the person change? No. Did I change? Yes. I became a more peaceful person, and the interesting part was all the good changes I saw in myself. Was it hard? Oh my! Yes. Was it worth it? Yes. The only person I have control over is me, and that is overwhelming, too. There’s my business or God’s business. Sometimes I confuse the two.

Musings

Viktor Frankl, a Holocaust survivor, wrote a book, Man’s Search for Meaning. It’s about a horrendous time in a Nazi war camp. Here’s a quote from his book: “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” This is the only way to live fully. We must keep our eye on the ball. That means us.

Prayer

Dear Father,

We thank you for so many blessings, and so many we can’t name them all. We know following your Son means challenges, character development, and putting the focus on you in all our life experiences. There’s always something worthy of praise, even when the feelings refuse to participate.

Help us to keep our focus on you, where it truly belongs.

Amen.

God Loves Them More Than We Do

“For God so [greatly] loved and dearly prized the world, that He [even] gave His [One and] only begotten Son, so that whoever believes and trusts in Him [as Savior] shall not perish but have eternal life.” John 3:16 Amplified Bible

“One of the hardest things you will ever have to do, my dear, is grieve the loss of a person who is still alive.” Jeannette Walls

“Even when I detach, I care. You can be separate from a thing and still care about it.” David Levithan

Do you have someone in your life who is troubled? Ill? Addicted? Clueless? Dead?

We all do, I’m afraid. When my husband was dying and died, I was torn apart. The one thing that kept me knowing that our Father has all under control was the statement, I love him more than you do. Did I understand? No. Did it hurt? Yes.

When my niece, addicted to meth, abandoned her daughter and was nowhere to be found, possibly dead, a quiet voice said, “I love her more than you do.” Did I understand? No. Was there angst? Yes.

Our Father indeed loves them more than we do. There’s evidence. Our Father sent his son to a horrific death filled with shame, torture, and total abandonment by friends, his disciples and his Father. Our Father loved his Son more than we do.

I could not sacrifice my son for the sake of sinners. Just the thought wrenches my heart.

“How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife? Regardless, each one should lead the life that the Lord has assigned to him and to which God has called him.” 1 Corinthians 7:16 Hands off! With love, prayer, wisdom for the day, and attending to my walk with an open heart.

Musings

We must release our loved ones, looking to ourselves and our Father to keep us faithful. Yes, we wrestle with God, and like Jacob, limp. Sometimes, a miracle happens, and the loved one is in remission, rehabilitated, and counseled to lead a Godly life. And sometimes, painfully true, not. So we do not lean on our understanding but release them to our Father with prayer and wisdom. Our Father created them before the foundation of the world.

Prayer

Dear Father,

Our words are insufficient to describe our loved one’s suffering and our overwhelming need to fix them and control the situation. Many times, our suffering is greater than our loved one’s suffering. We see with such clarity how a loved one’s life may end. We are powerless to change it. You experienced even more suffering with your son’s death for us. We ask why, but even if you told us, we wouldn’t understand.

We greatly miss our deceased and estranged loved ones.

We question why as you companion us through the dark. We’ll know someday. We see “darkly.”

We believe. Help our unbelief.

With gratefulness.

Amen.

Who are You When Under Pressure?

“Out of my distress, I called on the Lord; the Lord answered me and set me free. The Lord is on my side; I will not fear. What can man do to me?” Psalm 118:5-6 ESV

“Wealth without work.
Pleasure without conscience.
Knowledge without character.
Commerce without morality.
Science without humanity.
Worship without sacrifice.
Politics without principle.”
From a sermon given by Frederick Lewis Donaldson in Westminster Abbey, London, on March 20, 1925.”

We know Christ’s character. Pressure shows us ours. Pressure shows us Christ’s.  

Being kind, generous, understanding, grateful, and pleasant is easy when all is good with my life. That’s not the true Black Sheep Babz picture. Not by a long shot! My problems and character are nothing compared to the description of Jesus’ character. Broke? I become stingier, forgetting that God supplies all my needs. Lonely? He’s always with me, but I demand the feelings of his presence. Criticized? Here comes bitterness focused on the criticizer. Pressure at work? Blame, blame, worry and control. Watching the news in fear and resentment, forgetting who’s really in charge, is a constant battle.

When grieving the loss of my husband, there was no relief, hope was extinguished, isolation and destructive behaviors multiplied. There was no comfort in knowing Christ grieved. The concept of Christ being the resurrection and the life was not grasped. This was the greatest pressure of my life. The pain seemed to last an eternity. Quick fixes were abundant, with no true healing.

 What was or is your Waterloo? Achilles heel? In hindsight, can you see where Christ bore the pressure with compassion?

Musings

Who am I under pressure? I’m Peter, looking at the waves in the middle of the storm and crying, “Help me!” Sometimes I’m Doubting Thomas praying, “I believe, help my unbelief!”  Sometimes I’m the Samaritan woman Jesus met at the well, skirting hard-to-face truths about myself. Sometimes I’m Pilate asking, “What is truth?” Sometimes I’ve grieved deeply with no hope, like Martha and Mary when Lazarus died. Sometimes I’ve sold out for money. Sometimes I’ve cast my pearls before swine. Sometimes I’ve sown seed in harsh and rocky ground. All under pressure. Thank God for grace. Thank God His mercies are new every morning.

Prayer

Father,

Thank you that we “vessels of clay” have the honor and privilege to “cast all our cares” on you. Jesus demonstrated his love many times in scripture, from washing dirty feet to the most shameful and painful death. All under unfathomable pressure. He did this so we can walk in newness of life and to share His life with others.

Amen.

Abiding in Him

“So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him.” 1 John 4:16 ESV

“If you look at the world, you’ll be distressed. If you look within, you’ll be depressed. If you look at God, you’ll be at rest.” Corrie ten Boom

Abide. It may be a quiet voice that says, “Not yet.” “You’re doing well.” “Talk to me.” “Talk to this person.” “I love you.”

Remain. Rest in Him. Trust his plan. Let go and let God.

When he was little, my son had chicken pox, so no playing outside, no play date, lots of baths with Epsom salts.  He was content reading a book, playing with toys, while I fixed dinner and put some medicine on his itchy spots. He was abiding with me, though we didn’t talk much. We just enjoyed being with each other, even though he was ill. Just being present was enough. Abiding.

We were still active, I with my chores and nursing him, he with reading and playing with his cars, trusting that the illness would pass. We were content and at peace. Abiding. Trusting that Jesus will heal.

Musings

Until I have a relationship with the Father through his Son, I’m not abiding. I’m going on my limited strength, and it’s exhausting! The Father wants a relationship with you and me. He wants us to abide in Him. The more intimate, the more real we become, the more fruit for our lives, others, and the Father’s Kingdom.

Prayer

Dear Father,

We thank you for your constant presence in our lives and the intimate relationships we have with you. Remind us that striving, fixing, earning, worrying, and approval-seeking are going in our strength and not abiding in your presence. Help us to abide in Your presence with contentment, thankfulness, and peace.

Amen.

Father, What’s This About?

“If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.” James 1:5 NIV (Emphasis mine)

“Before you speak, ask yourself if what you are going to say is true, is kind, is necessary, is helpful. If the answer is no, maybe what you are about to say should be left unsaid.” Bernard Meltzer

I received the nicest birthday card from someone who had wounded me terribly in my childhood. It truly was kind, thoughtful and so welcome. You see, my pain was from some physical and emotional abuse at a time when I had no resources, adults, church, or mentor to process this properly. The pain reared its ugly head after my husband’s death, years after the offenses. Grief pulls out all the stops of buried “stuff.” It hurt like hell! And I stuffed it for months.

But it came back.

I wanted to rant and rave and tell this person off! I wanted her to hurt as much as I! Maybe more. I asked our Father for help and I got it. And without finding fault.

She came from a dysfunctional home. I came from a dysfunctional home. No good comes from that until we have a new home. The story of Joseph came to mind. His brothers set out to kill him, but dropped him in a well instead. As we know, Joseph saved his brothers’ lives during a great famine. Joseph never had a chance to tell off his brothers and was imprisoned for years. Dysfunction imprisons for years.

What’s this about? “Do not overcome evil with evil, but overcome evil with good.” So I worked on why I clung to this hurt and anger. Was it because I felt alive? Was it because it was familiar? Was it really my problem? No, I didn’t put myself in a dangerous or harmful situation. She’s worked on her “stuff” too. Will we talk about it? Probably not. She loves me the best she is able—no harm. She has her work to do and she’s doing it. All I’ve done is go about my own business, doing my best with my Father’s help. And I’ve told this rant and rave to my Father many, many times.

The right books fell into my lap. The right people companioned me. Surrender was mine. Rest. Hope. Willingness.

And I have peace.

Musings

No matter if we’ve had a “healthy childhood” or trauma, or a drama-filled childhood, what’s this about puts us on the right track. Life still smacks us (or the Liar) when we’re most vulnerable.  If someone is abusing you. Get out! Get out now!  But most of life is becoming conscious. Most of life is more unlearning than learning. As Einstein said, “You can’t solve your problems with the same mind that got you the problems.”

Prayer

Dear Father,

There are no perfect parents. There are no ideal people. You are perfect and know “what this is about.”

Help us to slow down, breathe, and ask you to help us determine what steps to take, if any. Help us to remember the end of the Serenity Prayer: “Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time, accepting hardship as a pathway to peace, taking as Jesus did this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; trusting that you will make all things right if I surrender to your will so that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with you forever in the next.”

Amen.