^“And Peter went out and wept bitterly. And the men that held Jesus mocked him and smote him.” Luke 22:61-62

“It’s not the load that breaks you down. It’s the way you carry it.” C.S. Lewis

Peter, even after Jesus warned him, broke. He denied his savior three times before the cock crowed. This, after Peter said he would die for Jesus. What a picture of internal devastation. Betrayal of the one he loved most. Spiritual breakdown.

We all have been broken, will break or are broken now. Tests of faith come. The gut, heart and soul are in agony because of the hopelessness of who we are. We may focus on the death of a loved one, bankruptcy, health, addiction and hold resentments toward our Father for it all. Pain’s like that. Like a cornered animal, we snarl and strike, weep bitterly or suppress the feelings and suffer depression. We can still take it our Father. Hope.

Or is it a spiritual breakthrough? Feelings are a necessary part of life. They’re noisy, unpleasant, exhausting like undisciplined children demanding attention and “I want it now.” Are we turning loose of the situation while resting in our Father? Are we reflecting, praying, seeking assistance? Sometimes all we can do is the next right thing while we wait. Peter went back to fishing. The thing he knew. The load he could carry. But the miraculous love he received a few days later made him the rock. This is true for us too.

Musings

We all have times where we hit bottom. It helps to remember that Job said, “And when he tests me, I will come out as pure as gold. For I have stayed on God’s paths; I have followed his ways and not turned aside.” There’s a purpose even when we can’t see it. He redeems our trials. Our breakdowns make us humble and whole, especially when we rely on our Father. Then comes the breakthroughs that make us stronger. We become like gold now and eternally. We become a little bit more like Jesus.

Prayer

Dear Father,

Thank you for your word, lessons, Holy Spirit and grace to see us through our Spiritual Breakdowns. Thank you for the breakthroughs that make us more loving, forgiving and hopeful servants. We may not understand the trial right now so we rest in you, trust in you and tell you everything. We wait with thankfulness for our breakthrough. It’s our little step toward “counting it all joy when we encounter various trials,” feelings get in the way, but we trust, with your help, we will.

Amen.

“He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him over for us all, how will He not also with Him freely give us all things?” Romans 8:32 NASB

“The most important thing is who you become.” Dallas Willard

The most important thing: who we become. And this does not happen quickly and comes with difficulty, great difficulty.

My focus lately, probably yours too, is lack. The gas pump sounds like a casino lotto machine! The grocery store may have empty shelves, smaller packaging and abhorrent prices. Do I buy a gallon or half-gallon of milk? The birthday party will be a small sleepover in the backyard instead of a bash at the roller rink. Forget about new carpet this year. Those nearing retirement have lost up to 50 percent of their savings. Some have lost their homes and jobs.

What’s missing?  Over and over in the Bible, our own nation’s history and our humbling life experiences, we forget. We forget who really is in charge. We get “fat and happy.” We forget who truly and freely gives us all things. But most importantly, our faith, our character takes a beating. our Father wants us to become something wonderful through the challenges. Something eternal. Something beautiful. Today. And our Father is not stingy. He said so. He doesn’t lie. “If you being evil know how to give good things to your children…”

Trust. That’s what’s missing. Whatever we see as lack may be an opportunity to become more like our Father’s son. Humility? Gratefulness? Problem-solving? Relationship nurturing? Living for today? Courage? Working a bit more? Be still and know He’s God? Who’s in control? We parrot the obvious, but now the test. Today, let’s trust. I confess, I’m shaky, wobbly, a rookie with trust. Not my strong suit. I don’t ask for it, but it’s required. Our Father cares about what I’m becoming. You too.

Musings

Trusting our Father and Jesus feels like death by a 1000 papercuts. Our Father has the past and the future in his hands. Our purpose is to live today fully and in trust. Like the Israelites stepping into the Red Sea, we step into today and watch with wonder. We are becoming more like his son. We freely give, like our Father, all good things. All things are His anyway.

Prayer

Dear Father,

We have been going through a tough time and anxiety rules. From the shock of what’s on the media to the fear at the grocery store, we abandon trust. Like Peter we say, “Lord save me!” We control, complain and worry. Help us to cast our anxieties upon you because you care for u.s May we continue in your purpose with your guidance.

Thank you. We trust you.

Amen.

(Detach With Love)

“For even when we were with you, we would give you this command: If anyone is not willing to work, let him not eat. For we hear that some among you walk in idleness, not busy at work, but busybodies…” 2 Thessalonians 3:10 ESV

“The real spiritual journey is work. You can make a naïve assertion that you trust in Jesus, but until it is tested a good, oh, 200 times, I doubt very much that it’s true.” — Richard Rohr

Jesus is perfect. He is perfect for us. Our Father provided his son for us because we are not perfect. My spouse is not perfect. My kids, boss, neighbor and grocery clerk are not perfect. They have their own journey, lessons and truths with our Father.

Three kinds of business:

1. My business
2. Their business
3. God’s business

And as Christians we want to help. Fix. Overcome. This is a wonderful gift and there are times to rush in and help. A flood, surgery, death in the family, listening with empathy and more. These are obvious and we are to “carry one another’s burdens.”

But when we make another’s journey ours, we’ve crossed the line. We’re in God’s business and their business. By the way, we do not overcome this easily or quickly. 200 times of trusting Jesus? Probably more.

Signposts you’re in another’s business.

You make excuses for someone’s behavior—the parent that covers up a child’s drug addiction, angry words said to another, doing someone’s work they should be doing.

You give money and even hurt yourself in the process—see above—you mean well, you really do. God will take care of me. Yes, yes, He will. And he will take care of the other too, in his own way and own time. Their business. God’s business. God knows what’s best.

You feel resentful

Your quality of life is poor

You’re anxiety-ridden

There’s more, but you see, you’re hurting yourself and the other. You’re interfering with our Father’s plan for them. We’re in the way. The news is filled with young people who do destructive things because the parents enabled. Possibly absent. Even with absent parents, it’s their responsibility to live good and productive lives. It ain’t fair, it seems, but that’s life. Who are we to judge another’s path with our Father?

We can’t do it for another. We can listen. We can encourage. We can pray. We can share our experience, strength and hope. But when we give unsolicited advice, money, time, things, we may be interfering with their journey with the Father. We’re dragging out the pain and possibly making it worse.

Musings

Only our Father can change the heart and spirit of someone. And he pursues but never controls.

It is agonizing to see someone face their own consequences. We know. We had to face ours. Our business. I remember in school receiving my Algebra (argh!) test results and the only answers I remember were the ones I got wrong. Consequences. It seems heartless, cruel, painful and unchristian, but it’s more toxic to damage ourselves and interfere in what is their business and God’s business.

Prayer

Dear Father,

It is a wonderful thing to love, nurture and care for others but when we’ve made your business and their business ours, we’ve hurt them and your kingdom. Your Big Picture.

Remind us that not all good things feel good. They will someday, if we heed your wisdom, hope and remain faithful. Keep us in our own lane. Help us to remember whose business is this, the Creator or mine, with thanks for my blessings and the blessings of others in our lives.

Amen.

“You, Lord, give perfect peace even in turmoil to those who keep their purpose firm and put their trust in you.” Isaiah 26:3 

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” – Rumi

Today my sprinkler system wasn’t working and I was not peaceful by any stretch. I prayed that my Father would help me as I searched the instructions (clear as mud!) and pushed buttons. It is working now and I’m still not sure why. I will always be computer-challenged. It’s not natural for me. I’m not detail-oriented. I don’t like repetition. Board meetings? I consider them torture. I’m thankful our Father made people who look forward to these chores with enthusiasm. I admire them greatly!

Why did my Father make me this way? I marvel at those who can heal a broken arm, fly a jet, discuss quantum physics and budget to the penny. Then I feel really bad about who I am and question my significance.  My talents and role in the Big Picture seems very doubtful at best. A big fat barrier to love, purpose and truth. Jesus washed feet. There’s a proper attitude in love.

What is this feeling about? Comparing? Do I matter? What good thing do I contribute? What do I need to learn? We all were beginners at some time. It’s very helpful if one has a strong, encouraging support system but many things can keep us isolated at times. Another opportunity? Our Father made us to care for each other, encourage each other but there are times it’s not there. Jesus went alone to pray many times.

Time to prayerfully make a list. What do those I trust tell me I’m good at? What gives me joy? What comes almost effortlessly? What still small voice encourages me?  What did I love as a child?  What is my passion? No self-minimizing allowed. No comparing allowed. Put money on the back-burner for now. And prayer. Return to this when discouraged or feeling alone and down. Our role may change throughout our lifetimes.  

Musings

By the poet, Maggie Smith:

Expect that what you tend to will grow.

Expect that what you feed with your care and attention,

What you shine your light on, will thrive.

Choose Wisely.

Today we need to take inventory of the gifts our Father has given us so that we may thrive, others may thrive and the kingdom may thrive. It’s there. It’s treasure. It’s joy. Perfect peace who puts their trust in the Lord.

Prayer

Dear Father,

Thank you for who we are and what talents we use for your purpose. We stumble over feelings of being insignificant. Your son died for us so we know we’re significant. Father thank you for our part in your Kingdom.  Even the struggle has purpose.

Help us to seek rewards and approval from you, Father. Encourage us. Ignite us and more importantly, remind us of your great love when feeling insignificant.

Amen.

^“In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus:Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage;rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very natureof a servant, being made in human likeness.
And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death—
 even death on a cross!” Philippians 2:5-8 NIV

“Character is who you are under pressure, not when everything’s fine.” Unknown

We know Christ’s character. Pressure shows us ours. Pressure shows us Christ’s.  

It really is easy to be kind, generous, understanding, grateful and pleasant when all is good with my life. That’s not the true Black Sheep Babz picture. Not by a long shot! My problems and character are nothing compared to the description of Jesus’ character. Broke? I become stingier forgetting God supplies all my needs. Lonely? He’s always with me but I demand the feelings of his presence. Criticized? Here comes bitterness focused on the criticizer. Pressure at work? Blame, blame, worry and control. Watching the news in fear and resentment forgetting who’s really in charge is a constant battle.

When grieving the loss of my husband, there was no relief, hope extinguished, isolation and destructive behaviors multiplied. There was no comfort in knowing Christ grieved. The concept of Christ being the resurrection and the life was not grasped. This was the greatest pressure of my life. The pain seemed an eternity. Quick fixes were abundant with no fix for the empty void. What was your Waterloo? Achilles heel? In hindsight, can you see where Christ bore the pressure?

Musings

Who am I under pressure? I’m Peter looking at the waves in the middle of the storm and crying, “help me!” Sometimes I’m Doubting Thomas praying, “I believe, help my unbelief!”  Sometimes I’m the Samaritan woman Jesus met at the well skirting hard-to-face truths about myself. Sometimes I’m Pilate asking, “what is truth?” Sometimes I’ve grieved deeply with no hope like Martha and Mary when Lazarus died. Sometimes I’ve sold out for money. Sometimes I’ve cast my pearls before swine. Sometimes I’ve sowed seed in harsh and rocky ground. All under pressure. Thank God for grace.

Prayer

Father,

Thank you that we “vessels of clay” have the honor and privilege to “cast all our cares” on you. Jesus demonstrated his love so many times in scripture from washing dirty feet to the most shameful and painful death. All under unfathomable pressure. All within very short hours. He did this so we can walk in newness of life and to encourage his life in others.

Amen.

“I will call those who were not my people, ‘My people,’ and I will call her who was unloved,‘My beloved.’”Romans 9:25 NET

“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: “What! You too? I thought I was the only one!”” C.S. Lewis

Being a Christian means we belong. We belong to one another. We belong to a king. We have a Wonderful Counselor. We have grace and freedom. We have connection. We have love. We change.

 We belong!

My whole being was rejecting the daily mundane duties the other day.  My mind drifted off to high school.  Mind you, I haven’t thought about high school in years. They were extremely painful times of dramatic parents, dramatic me and no connection or belonging. Someday I’ll share that. Why visit this time? Because there was a spot of joy. This spot of joy had been neglected for many, many years.

A sweet, shy, handsome Greek boy entered my mind. There isn’t even one celebrity that could compare to this young Greek!  My heart filled when I thought of him, back to art class in my senior year. The class was an hour I relished because of this deep, open, fun Greek student with which I shared a table.  We shared so many things besides a table. He lost his mom at an early age. His parents emigrated from Greece. He felt awkward around girls. I shared my turbulent upbringing. How I hated liver and onions. Most of all we laughed at silly things. Our guard was down and we were authentic with each other. We winked at each other. We flirted. We laughed at our art projects that failed. Teased. I couldn’t believe girls weren’t stalking him! What a vibrant, caring, fun and lovely human being. We belonged.

Work and a personal crisis cancelled my art class. We lost touch. Something very rare slipped away.  He was very shy. I was very distressed at that point in my life with responsibilities and utter confusion. We were no more.

Then he died. Age 18 years. He took his life. That permanent decision for a temporary problem. Belonging? Was that the issue? Belonging is as crucial to life as breathing. He didn’t want to breathe anymore. Of course, I wished I’d phoned him, shared more, gave him a caring note. Shock! What ifs are devastating and hard to ignore.

I prayed about him and gave him to my father who loves this young man more than I did or do. I trust my father with him. Jesus died for him. He belonged and didn’t know it. May I be more aware of belonging for myself and others. I hope I see him again.

Musings

Belonging. Our father created us to belong. It’s as critical as our heartbeat. May we be brave enough to say, “What, you too? I thought I was the only one.” Slowing down and embracing what is and who is may prevent tragedy and enrich lives. Jesus invites us to his table. “Come! Eat and drink without cost.” We belong. There’s always room at his table.

Prayer

Father,

Thank you for the gift of belonging. Help us to reach out and be present. We don’t always know which soul needs a gentle touch, an authentic, listening ear or a warm embrace—belonging. The daily challenges sometimes blind us to what is truly essential for another and for our own souls. Jesus invited everyone to his banquet. May we do the same.

Amen

“If only you, God, would slay the wicked!
    Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty!
²⁰ They speak of you with evil intent;
    your adversaries misuse your name.
²¹ Do I not hate those who hate you, Lord,
    and abhor those who are in rebellion against you?
²² I have nothing but hatred for them;
    I count them my enemies. 23 Search me, God, and know my heart;
    test me and know my anxious thoughts.
²⁴ See if there is any offensive way in me,
    and lead me in the way everlasting.” Psalm 139:19-24 NIV

“I shall allow no man to belittle my soul by making me hate him.” Booker T. Washington

There is so much anger on the television and social media! The lines are drawn. Deception and corruption evident. Threats are made and, sadly in some cases, carried out. Revenge and punishment rampant. And powerlessness reigns supreme. Victims are made.

Then the anger of being in a dysfunctional family as the Black Sheep, Scapegoat or another label (not true, by the way), is expressed in such destructive ways and can get entangled with the issues of the day. That powerlessness that leads to addiction, raging, threats, abuse and Pow! We’re spiraling down the drain!

Go running. Dig in the garden. Ready. Set. 25 jumping jacks. And then ask yourself this: What is this anger trying to tell me. What do I need to do to make myself feel better? It could be caused by the world situation, but probably something inside me too. Even David in the above Psalm knew that God needed to search him and his heart.

I abhor, hate, despise sex-trafficking of all stripes. To help ease my anger, I pray, support a charity that rescues children from that horrible fate. It breaks my heart it’s increasing; however, I use righteous anger to propel me to action. It’s little, seems inconsequential but My Father is not. David and Goliath scenario.

The anger from my childhood still bubbles up and can ruin my day. So… What is this anger trying to tell me? Boundaries? Forgiveness? Loving detachment? Counsel with a professional or trusted friend? Always prayer. Always empowering. Someone’s words and actions do not get the last say. I am not a victim.

Musings

Righteous anger is anything that violates God’s laws.  Paul counsels in Romans 12 that revenge is God’s. The anger? Well, that’s my responsibility. I don’t see as the Father does. But I can use anger to make positive change after my Father searches my heart. Easy? No. Never. If it was easy, everyone would be doing it. What is your anger saying? What will make you feel better?

Prayer

Dear Father,

Thank you that we can take our anger to you. Sometimes it’s anger that gets us out of ourselves and back to where it belongs: your will. Sometimes it’s anger caused by neglecting and abandoning ourselves. You never do.

Thank you for opportunities to make a positive difference and sometimes righteous anger is the fuse for positive action. You want us to care for ourselves, others and your world. Empower us with your spirit today to make a positive change. Remind us that revenge is yours. You could have done that to us. Thank you that you didn’t.

Amen.

“What do you want me to do for you?” Jesus asked him. The blind man said, “Rabbi, I want to see.” Mark 10:51 NIV

“Shame is the most powerful, master emotion. It’s the fear that we’re not good enough.”
Brene Brown

The blind man wanted to see. I’ve pondered Jesus’ question many times, “What do you want me to do for you?” Walking the Christian journey, we realize “we were blind, but now we see.” How devastating this may be. Before our conversion, we knew we sinned. After our conversion, we are overwhelmed with the flaws, mistakes, sins and hurts we have done. Guilt or Shame?

A DUI.

Divorce.

Horrible behavior at a social or company function.

Bankruptcy.

Being a smoker, obese, uneducated, poor, addicted, too many sexual partners and on it goes.

Guilt: the realization that what I did was wrong. A change of mind and action along with an apology works well. Grace.

Shame: the realization that I am wrong. A flawed, devastating feeling about who we are that is totally wrong. Isolates. Devastates. Lies. Paralyzes. Inauthentic. Grace doesn’t seem to quench the fire of shame.

Stuck! Stuck! Stuck! I know my life is hidden in Christ, but others? Not so much.

What to do? We are counseled to confess our sins to our Father and to another. Oh, what a big slice of humble pie this is! All is not horrible though. We are a New Creation, though our behaviors shout differently. Thank God for his patience! We need some for ourselves too. Even Paul struggled doing what he did not want to do. Grace gives us a “do-over.”

 When we confess to another Christian, one who truly has our best interests at heart, we are encouraged. Usually, a Christian will say they’ve done something similar. Our heart receives some peace in the company of another struggling to grow. Vulnerability: the opposite of shame.

Musings

We are New Creations. We are made in the image of God. One mistake, snafu, slipup and then roaring, condemning, shameful feelings! Sometimes I think shame is the Devil’s most favorite tool. It stops us from being honest, reaching out and a wedge grows between our Father and ourselves. We don’t deserve joy, success, friends and family. Shame rips away all the wonderful things our Father wants for us. Today I will be vulnerable. Today I will have courage and share with another. Today I will be grateful my Father made me.

Prayer

Dear Father,

You nailed shame to the cross. You make us walk in “newness of life.” Thank you. But we are fearful. Remind us to “step into the water” of vulnerability and watch the sea part. We cannot truly love with shame dragging us down, not ourselves, another or you. We cannot be “real” with shame poisoning our hearts and lives. We give you our shameful feelings today and in faith, share our vulnerability.

Amen.

“Moreover, I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; and I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh.” Ezekiel 36:26 NASB

“Love is our true destiny. We do not find the meaning of life by ourselves alone – we find it with another.”
― Thomas Merton, Love and Living

It was a beautiful June day with all the elements of perfection: flowers, birds singing, fellowship in church and hope. I was baptized that very day. Others were baptized too and they were hugging, laughing, making joyous comments, feasting and singing. Me? I became somber, reflective and scared. For instance: Then he said to them all: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.”  Or “For which of you, desiring to build a tower, does not first sit down and count the cost, whether he has enough to complete it?” Uh-oh!

Like getting married, or having a child, we do not know what we do not know when we enter into these lifelong commitments. In our family relationships and our relationship with our Father, there will be tests. There will be difficulty. Our relationships remove our heart of stone and give us a heart of flesh. We grieve, we struggle, we doubt, we cry. We also celebrate, embrace, support and encourage with joy. A heart of flesh is difficult. A heart of stone represses, ignores and denies. There’s no joy or peace.

The beauty of all is destiny. It could be in your career, family, church or charity. Like the little-known Barnabas, who was the Encourager, there may be little if any recognition. But it was his destiny. He was critical in the foundation of the early church and yet, there’s little known about him. But where would the church be without his encouragement?

Musings

What I went through as a mother gave me a heart of flesh. As a troubled teenager, here comes a heart of flesh. As a newly baptized Christian, many instances of receiving a heart of flesh, but all the way through, our Father, Son and Holy Spirit provided destiny for his glory. The destiny of helping another find the Father, no matter the work.  “God causes all things to work for good for those that love him and are working according to his purpose.” Not all things are good. Not all things are fair. Not all things feel good. But they will be–here and in heaven with our new heart: a heart of flesh. A heart like our Father’s.

Prayer

Dear Father,

James says to “count it all joy when we encounter various trials.” If you do not bring us through our trials, we will stumble and fall, let alone despair. Thank you that you have brought us through so many things, some of our own making and some out of our control because it solidifies our faith, trust and love for you. Purpose. Destiny. Joy.

Amen.