“But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed.” Isaiah 53:5 NIV

“Our wounds are often the openings into the best and most beautiful part of us.” David Richo

No one can help a parent who has lost a child like a parent who has lost a child.

No one can help a single mom like a single mom.

No can help a cancer victim like a cancer victim.

No one can help an addict like a recovering addict.

No one can help an abuse victim like someone who’s survived abuse.

No one can help someone with suicidal thoughts like someone who’s held on to life when all was lost.

“Out of our wounds come our greatest ministry” has been said over and over because there’s so much truth to it. And no one volunteers for this. Our ministry may be our career, but I’ve found it’s people who have suffered, wrestled with their wounds, who find treasure in ministering to others, no matter their vocation.

One thing I’ve learned the hard way is timing. I may have jumped into helping other dementia caregivers before I’d truly come to grips with my own dementia journey. I wouldn’t say healing because there’s always some pain that remains. Always some vulnerability that knocks me down. Accepting that it takes us months or years of prayer, counseling, support before we’re ready to be that vulnerable can be so discouraging. Preparation is necessary. Envision your father comforting you, guiding you, loving you in and through the turmoil and pain. Talk to yourself as your best friend. I bet you’d be gentle and patient to your best friend.

But when you reach that one with your story and knowledge, it’s like winning the spiritual lottery! You’ve overcome evil with good! Some healing and hope has been shared. Some beauty from tragedy is felt. Redemption.

Musings

Even Bible greats needed time, prayer, support and reflection after enduring tragedy and loss. The Psalms are filled with stories of this. Many respected Christian authors, pastors and counselors have shared their hope years after wrestling with their deep wounds. We are no different. It’s in God’s time and with his great love for his little child before he sends his little, banged up, wounded child.

People will discount, dismiss, ignore, reject and say all kinds of things that will stump and hurt you sometimes when sharing your greatest wound. Remember: This may be part of it too. This is why there’s major preparation, support and faith needed. A little callous over the heart.

Prayer

Dear Father,

Thank you that you gave us each other and your son to heal and give purpose to our scars. Your son still bears the scars of his death. He chose to be vulnerable for our sake, while enduring all kinds of mocking and rejection.

Father, give us wisdom; we don’t want to cast our pearls when we share our wounds. Let us take in deeply your love for us so that we may minister to others, share hope and ease pain.

Amen.

Ease off the Gas!

Quit abusing God’s beloved

“If anyone speaks, they should do so as one who speaks the very words of God. If anyone serves, they should do so with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen.” 1 Peter 4:11 NIV

“Be aware of your inner treasures and share them with others.” Yours Truly

Whenever I have accepted that I have a bad habit, character flaw, or let’s face it, sin, I bear down with all my strength to change it, change me. Not healthy. A very bad habit! And I’ve missed the point. I’ve missed the lesson. Hurt God’s child. Like a brutal task master I berate myself with: “You idiot!” “You knew better.” “How could you’ve messed up so badly?” “You’re stupid.” “You addict—you’ll never change.” And our Accuser loves when we denigrate a beloved creation of God’s.

We’ve touched on this before and the truth is we’re talking to a beloved person in a very abusive way: Ourselves. I never read, learned or experienced positive, Christian growth with a brutal attack on ourselves. Have you? And think of the message it carries to our children and spouses!

Three things I know for sure:

1. We are beloved by God
2. We are accepted by God
3. We are transformed into being more like his beloved son

Why do we insist on beating ourselves unmercifully? Childhood dysfunctions, tragedies and mistakes, work fears, worldly advertising and more are bombarded daily into our ears, minds and hearts. They’re false. Outright lies! Deceptions! Just. Don’t. Do. This.

Today and every day, especially during the holidays, ease up on yourself. Stop. Breathe. Thank God that you are beloved, accepted and transformed, no matter the circumstances, and watch a subtle yet powerful miracle occur in you and your life. Blessings of inner treasure that YOU are to share and demonstrate God’s glory.

Musings

Being a good and gracious steward of God’s personal and unique gifts is an awesome responsibility. It starts with how we speak to ourselves, a beloved child of God. Let us speak to ourselves as a best friend would with wise counsel, love and compassion. If we can’t, let us ask God who will provide exactly what we need without recrimination or punishment. If we do so, think how marvelously we will speak to others. What a difference we would make in our communities—our world.  “As a man thinks, so is he.”

Prayer

Dear Father,

When we are overcome and overwhelmed by our “bad,” remind us that we are your Creation and loved unconditionally. We so often depend on our good feelings to determine our value and twist or hide or deny our frailties. Help us to remember that we can’t change without asking you to help us. When going in our own strength, remind us how that’s worked in the past. It didn’t. “The Spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.” Help us to let go and let you in all things, especially our faults, with gratefulness.

Amen.

Sacrifice of Thanksgiving

“I will offer you a sacrifice of thanksgiving and call on the name of the LORD.” Psalm 116:17 NLT

“Give thanks in everything, for this is the will of God toward you in Christ Jesus.” I Thessalonians 5:18 Berean Bible

“If the only prayer you ever say in your entire life is thank you, it will be enough.” Meister Eckhart

Sometimes giving thanks really is a sacrifice, even at this wonderful Thanksgiving time. If it depends on feelings, it won’t get done. If it depends on circumstances, it won’t get done. If it depends on making time, it won’t get done. And giving thanks requires discipline—a daily, minute-by-minute consciousness. It heals, eventually, too. Thanksgiving is not just a holiday. It’s a spiritual discipline. It’s Thanksgiving every day.

I went to the eye doctor the other day and after my examination, the doctor and I discussed some troublesome results. I could be getting macular degeneration and we need to keep a close watch on this. Some lifestyle changes like more fruits, exercise and supplements may slow it way down. I’m on it!

But here’s the deal. How many times have I thanked God for my gift of sight? You can bet I do now. So many gifts are taken for granted. My eyes have been opened (no pun intended) to even more blessings because of my gift of sight and oh how I treasure them! The autumn colors in my little town, the smiles from the cashiers at my grocery store, the beautiful book I read during my morning devotions. The faces of my children and grandchildren could become a blurry fog to me.  How I pray I don’t lose my sight. How I pray to not be a burden on others. Losing my driving privileges is so scary – taken for granted. All from a disturbing eye examination. Poof! Reality! I am not alone in taking for granted our many gifts.

My mind wandered back to the blind man in the Bible and Jesus asked him, “What can I do for you?” If he asked me, of course, I’d answer the same as this blind man, “My eyesight.” With more thought, though, Jesus did everything for me and even though my circumstances are disturbing and my heart is afraid, my answer would be a simple thank you. It’s going to be okay.

Musings

Giving thanks when one is grieving, in pain, ill, homeless, addicted and many of the “Biggies” of life feels like a sacrifice. And it truly is. The good and healing truth is we’re not required to give thanks for the evil and destructive circumstances that come to all in this life but to give thanks in all circumstances. God doesn’t, never will and never has given us evil. We may not feel thankful. We may not understand our circumstances. We may squirm, try to breathe, cling to our faith in these painful times but the truth is, Jesus did do everything for us. The extras are gifts and we are grateful for these too.

Prayer

Dear Father,

Thank you for all you’ve given and done for us. We can list all that we have to be thankful for and the list is still incomplete. Thank you for each other.

Thank you for giving us what we need this day. Thank you for even our breath. Thank you for some wants too. You truly give abundantly beyond all that we can ask or think.

We come to you in a thankful spirit regardless of the circumstances. Every day is a gift. Every day is an opportunity to love. Every day is a challenge to overcome with you at the helm. Like Peter in the midst of the stormy sea, we cry, “Help us.” And as Peter later said, “Cast all your anxieties because he cares for you.”

Thank you

Amen.

“Above all, keep fervent in your love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins.” 1 Peter 4:8 (Emphasis mine)

“Some people come into our life as a blessings. Some people come into our life as lessons.” Mother Theresa

We go to college to learn to be a doctor, lawyer, teacher or counselor.

We go to training centers to learn to weld, build, plumb or drive a semi.

We train as interns in marketing, journalism or many of the social careers.

We train as athletes.

And we stumble, question, avoid, intimidate or manipulate to get and keep relationships like a starving person. I believe real love is unlearning many of the concepts we grew up with.

We earn respect.

We earn trust.

We earn an income.

We do not earn love. “For God so loved the world that he gave…”

But from early childhood we are taught how special and loved we are if and when we do the “right” things. We learn to manipulate, avoid, duck and cover, schmooze to earn approval and love. We then think we can “bank” those for the future. It may work—for a while.

 That’s not love. That’s survival. Possibly parasitism.

We become teenagers with all the emotions, angst and confusion mixed in with hormones. We “feel” in love so intensely and dramatically. Well, for a day or two. Rejection is seen as a fate worse than death and social media can really ramp this up. How many teenagers have succumbed to the idea that their looks or fitting in means love?

Adulthood. Oh how up and down! We consciously or unconsciously love others the way we learned and shocked when it doesn’t work. Both parties have stuff, usually unconsciously. We get a glimmer of hope that maybe there’s another way and seek answers.

Enter: A church family.  Then things get really sticky because our spiritual family has all the same challenges, disappointments, dysfunctions and confusion we do and believe our heavenly Father is the same.

Sheep are messy. Sheep are not very smart. Sheep cling. And Jesus is the shepherd. His sheep hear his voice. How did Jesus handle a zealot and a tax collector? How did Jesus handle a prostitute caught in the act? (I still want to know where the guy was. Smells like a set-up).

We go through the many ways of unlearning our idea of love and start learning the Father’s way. We start by reading the Gospel of John and meander into 1^st Corinthians 13 and decide to give up. Who can love like that? We read the story of the Prodigal Son and his homecoming and how we relate with a tender and grateful heart! The Father loves us with mercy, emotions and words that we can’t imagine. Then we become complacent and turn into the son who stayed home and judged while envying his brother and father.

Then we get naked with the Father. We come to him with all the sins, flaws and doubts and test to see how much God truly loves us; like Gideon putting out the fleece every night. Then we study, risk and learn to give first with no motives up our sleeve. We learn that rejection may have nothing to do with us. Jesus was rejected over and over but stayed solid. We accept that learning to love is hard and we’ll never accomplish it perfectly. The real lesson is to keep our heart open to the Father’s guidance.

Musings

Falling in love is so wonderful! Embracing your little one is a taste of heaven. But then the rubber hits the road and love is also practice. Relationships are a daily decision. Are you married for life? You are if you decide to be married for today. Are you a parent for life? Yes, yes you are, especially if you decide this daily. Are you a caring leader at your work or church? Again, daily decision looking at ourselves first. And the blessing is becoming a bit more like our Father through his Son. And lots of loving relationships.

Prayer

Dear Father,

Thank you for love. We know that all things will be done away with but love will remain. We know only Jesus loved perfectly and he is our example. “By this they will know you are my followers, if we love one another.” We make that decision today. We make the decision to focus on how much you love us. We focus on how very much we love you.

Amen.

“Though he falls, he will not be overwhelmed, for the Lord is holding his hand” Psalm 37:24 BSB

“You have to make mistakes to find out who you aren’t. You take the action, and the insight follows: You don’t think your way into becoming yourself.” – Anne Lamott

On my birthday I received a gift that says, “Youth is a gift. Age is an art.” Boy! I took that to heart! So many of my youthful days were filled with optimism, fun, health and the perpetual myth that life should be and will be fair. I’ll meet “the one” and we will live with rainbows and unicorns. Somehow, grace covered all the youthful mistakes in my thinking and acting. True to life, they were the building blocks of my faith and successes.

Now, I’m much older with different losses, pain, learning experiences and disappointments galore. I wake up and my legs are bit stiff. I think going anywhere after 9:00 p.m. is a waste of time, especially if I have a good book or inspiring movie. I look at my granddaughters and see the very same ideas, hopes and optimism that I had in my youth. They’re making many of the same mistakes I made. They cry over the similar situations I had. And their optimism is sky high.  High expectations of others and themselves is a crushing lesson but necessary. They’re sure they can change the world. Their energy is boundless. Their expectations high and disappointment reigns. Adulting is very hard work!

What to do?

Nothing. Just be there. Mistakes will be made but you’re not a mistake. They’re not a mistake.

This is what my grandmother did. She smiled when I would go off on an emotional tangent. She would set out cookies and coffee. She would embrace. She somehow knew it would be all right and such a comfort without any words or judgment.  I would ask her what to do and she would tell a story from her past leaving me to take it in or not. It sure does now! By her personhood, she showed me grace and safety with assurance that all will work out. She knew the building blocks of success, compassion and character are mistakes—sometimes biggies!  She was safe.

It’s Hands Off with Love. Detachment with love. Prayer is highly recommended.

It’s recognizing we’re all unique but susceptible to the same entanglements, mistakes and disappointments. And I may not learn from your mistakes. They may not learn from your mistakes. But they will keep trying if they have love.  I think that’s true for most of us. I learn by MY mistakes. Hard knocks! It’s a gift that seems like punishment.

Musings

To laugh often and much;

To win the respect of intelligent

People and the affection of children

To earn the appreciation of honest

Critics and endure the betrayal of false

Friends; To appreciate beauty, to find

The best in others; To leave the world

A bit better, whether by a healthy child,

A garden patch or a redeemed social

Condition; To know even one life has

Breathed easier because you have lived.

This is to have succeeded—Ralph Waldo Emerson

Mistakes will be made.

Prayer

Dear Father,

Thank you for grace along with the joys, disappointments and work that covers us when making mistakes–sins. It’s such an affirmation of your work in us. It’s grace that keeps us going. Progress.

We read in your Book about the many mistakes your people made. We’re making them too, thousands of years later, but your grace, love and pursuit keeps us faithful in hope, faithful in perseverance and faithful in love.

And thank you for the transformation that is taking place in us today.

Amen.

“Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” John 15:13 NIV

“The true soldier fights not because he hates what is in front of him, but because he loves what is behind him.” G.K. Chesterton

And I thank the families of the veterans. I was married to a sailor during the Viet Nam War and I know how hard it is to not hear from your loved one for weeks, to count every penny because the salary is so low, to be a mom and a dad at the same time, to have crowds throw things at you and your family with the ugliest words. Loneliness isn’t a stranger.

And the parents, spouses, children and friends who no longer have their loved ones. They didn’t choose this. They didn’t volunteer for this.

Some veterans lost their legs, arms, suffered brain trauma or PTSD.  Some died from addictions to soothe their weary and war-torn souls. May they have peace beyond understanding.

I thank all of you with a full heart.

May I close with this:

“It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself in a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat.”

—Theodore Roosevelt
Speech at the Sorbonne, Paris, April 23, 1910

 

“Don’t compare yourself with others. Just look at your own work to see if you have done anything to be proud of. You must each accept the responsibilities that are yours.” Galatians 6:5-6 ESV

“Don’t compare your weakness to their strength.” – Nitin Namdeo

Harmful. For you and the other person.

Dismissive. Of you and the other person.

Lacks compassion, empathy, healing or growth. For you and the other person.

Feels good, perhaps, but accomplishes nothing for anybody, except envy and strife.

Always lacks information that is not your business. It’s between them and their Father.

You’re giving someone, probably a figment of your imagination, space in your head rent free that belongs to you and the Father.

We have no idea what a person has gone through to get where they are. None. I envied someone with lots of money until I found out they lost a child to addiction. They would trade their money for their child.

Comparing keeps us focused on the wrong things and not on the right things—who we are becoming in Christ.

Some compare losses as if one loss is greater than another.

What good is comparing in any form? Shall I compare my loss of my husband to a veteran who has lost his legs? The great losses the Floridians experienced after the hurricane to a domestic abuse victim?

Comparing my success is just as futile. My idea of success is raising a loving and healthy family while another is joining the Red Cross. Which person is more successful? It reminds me of 1^st Corinthians where there was big trouble! Tongues or prophecy? Teaching or evangelizing?  Paul says, “The greatest is love.” Takes care of comparing. Puts the focus on the right things.

Whether a believer or not, I find Galatians 6:4–6 very wise counsel: “Don’t compare yourself with others. Just look at your own work to see if you have done anything to be proud of. You must each accept the responsibilities that are yours.”

Musings

Here’s a wake-up call: “We all fall short of the glory of God.” If we’re going to compare…The beautiful thing is when we surrender comparing, our Father shows us things we didn’t know about ourselves that are essential and life-giving. After all, he made us.

Prayer

Dear Father,

It’s true. Compared to your son, we fall terribly short. With him, we become like him with no comparison. The greatest accomplishment is love.

Help us to remember when comparing to another that we sure don’t know the whole story. Help us to put our focus back on you where success truly lives. You made us all with unique talents, goals and accomplishments, which are designed just for us and your glory.

“If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.” James 1:5 NIV (Emphasis mine)

“Before you speak ask yourself if what you are going to say is true, is kind, is necessary, is helpful. If the answer is no, maybe what you are about to say should be left unsaid.” Bernard Meltzer

I received the nicest birthday card from someone who had wounded me terribly in my childhood. It truly was kind, thoughtful and so welcome. You see, my pain was from this person, which included some physical abuse and emotional abuse at a time when I had no resources, adults, church or mentor to properly process this. The pain reared its ugly head after my husband’s death many years after the offenses. Grief pulls out all the stops of buried “stuff.” It hurt like hell! And I stuffed it for months.

But it came back.

I wanted to rant and rave and tell this person off! I wanted her to hurt as much as she hurt me! Maybe more. I asked our Father for help and I got it. And without finding fault for either of us.

She came from a dysfunctional home. I came from a dysfunctional home. No good comes from that until we have a new home—a home not made with hands. The story of Joseph came to mind. His brothers set out to kill him–what’s this about? — The brothers’ jealousy and Joseph’s narcissistic traits. Joseph was dropped into a well instead of being murdered. As we know, several years later, Joseph saved his father and brothers’ lives during a great famine. Joseph never had a chance to tell off his brothers even though he was imprisoned for years. Dysfunction imprisons for years. But Joseph said, “You meant me harm but God meant it for good.” I can say the same with thankfulness.

What’s this about? Do not overcome evil with evil but overcome evil with good. So I worked on why I clung to this hurt and anger. Was it because I felt alive? Was it because it was familiar? Was it really my problem? No, I didn’t put myself in a dangerous or harmful situation. In fact, she’s worked on her “stuff” too. Will we talk about it? Probably not. She loves me the best she is able—no harm. She has her own work to do and she’s doing it, with her Father’s help. All I’ve done is go about my own business doing the best I can with my Father’s help. And I’ve told this rant and rave to my Father many, many times.

The right books fell into my lap. The right people companioned me. Surrender was mine. Rest. Hope. Willingness. And a new relationship with an old frenemy.

Musings

No matter if we’ve had a “healthy childhood” or drama-filled childhood, what’s this about puts us on the right track. Life still smacks us (or the Liar) when we’re most vulnerable.  If someone is abusing you. Get out! Get out now!  But most of the Christian Life is becoming conscious. Most of the Christian Life is more unlearning before truly learning. As Einstein said, “You can’t solve your problems with the same mind that got you the problems.” We have the mind of Christ –1 Corinthians 2:16.

What’s this about? Gets us to the Father with some remarkable insights about our hearts, other’s hearts and a whole lot of freedom. No condemnation whatsoever!

Prayer

Dear Father,

Thank you for your mercies that are new every morning. When we pause, pray and genuinely ask, “What’s this about?” you are there. There’s no condemnation for us or others because of an open heart that wants to do your will instead of hanging on to destructive emotions.

We’re here. We’re open. We’re thankful.

Amen.

The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed,
    a stronghold in times of trouble.
Those who know your name trust in you,
    for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you. Psalm 9:9-10 NIV

“My job is to make your life easier right now. This is how I’m going to do it. Does that work?” Many wise people have asked this.

There is no such thing as going back to normal after tremendous losses: No. Such. Thing.

Death of a loved one

Victim of a crime

War

Bankruptcy

Career loss

Terminal/chronic illness

Addiction

Natural disasters

Divorce – children suffer too

Abuse

Let’s bust some common and harmful things right now!

Quoting scripture: Band-Aids on an amputation. Scripture is wonderful and true but that’s not what’s needed right away. Please. It just adds salt to the wound. For instance the hurting person will hear, whether you mean it or not: “If you were a better Christian…” “If you just had faith…” Don’t. Just don’t.

“He’s with God now.” Making God the villain to a suffering person leaves the bereaved feeling even lonelier and hopeless. This may be true, but separation is always painful.

“At least you have other children.” See previous paragraph.

“God never gives you more than you can handle.” This one drives me nuts! It was used when I was caring for my husband with Lewy body dementia. My Father did not do this! He is not the author of disease!  He did not give my husband dementia. The Liar did. God knows I couldn’t handle this, which is why prayer, wise and caring friends and support groups are essential. If I have cancer, God knows this and provides professionals along with hope.  Paul frequently healed others but it was Luke, a gentile doctor, who attended to Paul’s wounds.

“Well, at least he’s still with you.” Wrong, wrong, wrong again! I lost pieces of my hubby day after day after day.  He died daily. Those with spouses, children or relatives with an addiction lose them piece-by-piece, day-after-grueling day. Always on alert for the next disaster. Ask a dementia caregiver or parent with an addicted child. Are they really with you? Did you lose pieces of yourself along the journey? Or better, what do you need from me?

“Well, at least you have each other.” How many Floridians who suffered from the hurricane are jumping for joy on that one? They lost their entire fortunes, homes, mental health, faith and much more. It may be true they have each other, but the shock settles in. Their way of life is gone! Their friends are gone! Their church building is gone. More grueling days, months or years ahead.

AND THE MOST HURTFUL ONE EVER!!!!

Everything happens for a reason: Yes, yes it does. Here’s the reason: Evil in this world. Remember when Job lost everything and his friends visited him and grieved with him? They were a comfort until they opened their mouths and decided Job must have done something wrong. Don’t hurt a person’s conscience and heart with this one.

Maybe prayer, arms, listening ears, running errands, a homemade meal, a personal gift or say, “This is really tough! You are going through a nightmare. Tell me more.” And listen. Ask our Father to open our heart to see theirs. Jesus said many times, “What can I do for you?” Then he did it. We need to follow his way.

Musings

It’s so sad and destructive the trite sayings we trot out to those with agonizing losses. But Jesus showed us a much better way. If this has been done to you, I pray for your full healing.

Ask. Validate. Companion. Love.

Prayer

Dear Father,

Isaiah lamented he was a man with unclean lips who lives with people with unclean lips. Unclean lips doesn’t mean just swear words. Unclean lips are gossip, oaths, sarcasm, threats, and saying hurtful things. We are to weep with those who weep. We all will weep one day. We aren’t “Sunshine Christians.” Help us to be “Sonshine Christians.”

We go onward with your grace, transformation, love and hope with thanks.

Amen.