Emotional Intelligence

It’s a Skill

“Guard your heart with all diligence, for from it flow springs of life.” Proverbs 4:23 Berean

“When dealing with people, remember you are not dealing with creatures of logic, but with creatures of emotion.” -Dale Carnegie

We can be rulers of the world, leaders of a community or corporation, have many degrees from Ivy League universities, or heads of households, but without emotional intelligence, we won’t achieve much. An abundant life will escape us. We see examples of this every day.

I was listening to a pastor describe emotional intelligence, a powerful means for success in work and life. Emotional intelligence creates a Prosperous Soul—a leader, visionary and abundance, for ourselves and others.

Self-awareness.  Without this, all the rest is moot—the “good” and the “bad.”

Personal responsibility. Responsibility is a gift from God. I think of the three servants and the rich master who leaves them with talents to invest for him.  Jesus commanded us to seek and save the lost—tremendous responsibility and investment. He commands us to do this. There are many ways to reach the lost, but who you are says much.

Self-motivation. Passion can’t do it all. There will be days when getting out of bed is all we can do, but we do it. Going to counseling or seeking support is painful. Walking away from no-win situations, being truthful and strong amid controversy, and praying without editing ourselves are healthy responses. We are diligent.

Which leads to… Empathy. Trust. Respect. For ourselves and others. (Proverbs 4:23 NASB) “Keep your heart with all diligence, for out of it spring the issues of life.”

Musings

Emotional intelligence means we can “read the room,” It’s a skill. It’s a necessary skill for success in relationships, careers and living. Emotional intelligence is something that requires work, prayer, patience and study. Jesus was and is the perfect example. His encounters with the poor, sick, fearful, and even the political were stunning in their accuracy, resolve, affection and instruction. It’s a lifetime project with loving results for ourselves and others. It heals.

Prayer

Dear Father,

Emotional intelligence is the way of love and success in Your world. We will always need the Spirit’s help and encouragement as we navigate the treacherous, suffering and evil in our days. Help us to successfully live our days with Your abundant grace and trust. Out of our hearts…

Amen.

Forgetting Our Why

“And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.” Philippians 1:6 ESV

“Quit sitting on your blessed assurance!” Rafael Cruz

Hard, sad, lonely, and fearful times snatch our Why from us. We forget why we got married when arguing over finances. We forget why we had children when they became troublesome. We forget we are to serve Him when no one notices and we feel taken for granted. We forget why we’re in counseling when enduring painful memories.

We forget why we became a Christian when tribulation comes. And it always comes. Even the non-Christian will suffer tribulation. Again, “It rains on the evil and the good.” However, the evil don’t have a loving Father who put good works in them. Evil doesn’t have a Counselor who guides them. Evil doesn’t have a future or hope, or a blessed eternity. A beautiful eternity seems far-fetched when struggling.

We forget to be thankful. This one is my “thorn.” I have an abundant life, more than enough. Most days, my life flows with love, family, health, and supportive friends. I was bit by some creature, probably a spider, when I was gardening and the bite went through to my tendons. Pain! Though not a life-threatening event, the swelling, itch, and trying to use one hand made me grumpy. Was I thankful? Most assuredly not. Then I see a veteran who has no hands.

We forget how far the Father has brought us. Even a year ago, I was not the person I am today. There has been progress. There has been a transformation. And I forget to be thankful for this. Was the transformation linear? No. There were false starts and backward steps, but the Father continued His good work. It’s good to reflect on where we’ve been, whether through a journal, a close friend, or notes in our Bible.

We forget Jesus’ counsel to live only this day. Another of my shortcomings is living in the past, projecting the future, and forgetting to live, really live today. That’s a good “why.”

Musings

It’s very easy to forget why we became Christians. Jesus reminds us of this when He spoke about the seed on rocky ground, the weeds that choke out the seedlings, and the birds that ate the seed. For the  Father to complete the good work in us, we must choose our “why” daily.

Prayer

Dear Father,

Thank you for the good work you’ve placed in us. As long as we’re here on Earth, we know it’s not complete. Help us to remember our “Why.” When we do, good works are accomplished here and with You.

Amen.

Unlearning

Unlearning is as important as learning

“Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.” Romans 12:2 ESV

“Ultimately, will cannot genuinely connect us to life. We cannot will love. But we can be open to love. We cannot will forgiveness. But we can be open to receiving the gift of a heart that is willing to forgive. We cannot will intimacy with God. But we can be open to an experiential knowing of God that comes as a divine gift of soul-satisfying spiritual friendship.” David Benner, Desiring God’s Will

Becoming a Christian is a commitment to learning, practicing, forgiving, praying and loving. Christianity is also a lot of unlearning too. It’s a far cry from the world.

We pick up our cross daily.  (Matthew 16:24-26)Who wants to do that? Here’s the kicker—And we deny ourselves! Does this sting? It doesn’t mean we let others do what they want with us. But we may deny ourselves harmful things like overwork, addictions, and toxic relationships. We pick up our cross, learn, pray, and move forward.

We are to consider others as more important than ourselves. (Matthew 20:16)When I was a child, being first in the pool, first in the spelling bee, and the first to drive a car were big deals. We are to consider others as more important. It doesn’t mean they are. No one demonstrated this more than Jesus. He fed the crowd first. He encouraged and inspired the crowd before preaching and washed the disciples’ feet before the Last Supper.

Leaving the 99 for one lost soul. (Matthew 18:12-14) This one turns upside-down the belief that more is better. We have a Savior who will find us no matter what, and we are to do the same for others. He only does what he sees the Father doing.

A small amount can accomplish great things. (Luke 21:1-4) The widow who put in two mites in the temple offering. She gained high praise from Jesus, who judges the heart.

Musings

It takes a lifetime to unlearn the world’s ways and learn the Father’s will for each of us. We shouldn’t be discouraged because Christians around the world are doing the same. We need to encourage each other and consider each other because we will experience the Father’s love and His friendship personally.

Prayer

Dear Father,

Who knew all the unlearning behaviors that need to go when we become Yours? We take another step toward becoming like Your Son with thanks. Your burden is light.

Amen.

Disapproval

Everyone Has Experienced Disapproval

“I know because I have come to you representing my Father and you refuse to welcome me, though you readily enough receive those who aren’t sent from him but represent only themselves! No wonder you can’t believe! For you gladly honor each other but don’t care about the honor that comes from the only God!” John 5:43-44 NLT

“Fear of disapproval is always worse than disapproval.” Rick Warren

Even at a national level, disapproval is alive and well because it works. When I think of the struggles my grandparents had, disapproval was at the bottom of their list. They were in survival mode from WWII and polio. Unemployment was over 20 percent when they married. Name-calling was still done in their day like “white trash” or “Oakie” because they built a one-room house when they married. No plumbing. No electricity. I think of their daily challenges when disapproval rears its ugly head.

Disapproval starts when we are children and it’s powerful. From name-calling and bullying at school to learning people-pleasing skills at home, disapproval has pierced our very hearts. We earn acceptance. We earn love. Our survival is at stake if we don’t, though we’re too young to understand this.

Feelings are wrong. No, no they aren’t. They certainly aren’t pleasant at times but they need to be accepted. What we do with them may be wrong. Feelings are a valid and powerful tool to tell us what needs attention. I remember my Navy husband returning home from the Viet Nam coast and the people who were calling him and his shipmates vile names and throwing rotten vegetables at them. Talk about disapproval! And for something they had no control over. They proceeded to walk to their families with thanks. What a jumble of feelings! Happiness and love for their families and anger at the protesters.

“When he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly.” Jesus entrusted Himself to Him who judges justly. There were times in Jesus’ life when he didn’t go to cities because of their unbelief and entrapments. It wasn’t because he was afraid. It was because it wouldn’t do anyone good. Being abused and reviled is not for us to handle. Walking away trusting the Father is the best way—even for the abusers and the revilers because the Father will handle them justly. We are to focus on what is true, lovely, lovely, kind, admirable and noble.

Musings

Fearing disapproval will trap us and encourage paralysis and self-pity. If we’re to accomplish anything in life, we risk disapproval. When someone disapproves of us or what we’ve done, look and answer these three questions: Is it true? Is it helpful? Is it kind? Walk away with trust in your Father if the answers are no. Remember, some people are our blessings, and some people are our lessons. All is good with the Father at the helm.

Prayer

Dear Father,

Your Son was well-acquainted with disapproval in His family, hometown, and religious elite. Help us to do the same as Jesus did when disapproval comes and it always comes. To do Your will, disapproval, judgment, and scorn will be ours but we know You make right if we hold to Your hand

Please help us to go boldly.

Amen.

Self-Loathing–What’s it Good for?

Absolutely Nothing!

“But He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you [My lovingkindness and My mercy are more than enough—always available—regardless of the situation]; for [My] power is being perfected [and is completed and shows itself most effectively] in [your] weakness.” Therefore, I will all the more gladly boast in my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ [may completely enfold me and] may dwell in me.” 2 Corinthians 12:9 AMP

“Talk to yourself like you would to someone you love.” — Brené Brown

Sad but true: Self-loathing will improve me. No, no it won’t. Where did we get the idea that flogging ourselves, denying ourselves, and rejecting ourselves, will make us better people? Perhaps powerful lessons from childhood and society have ingrained this into our very souls. Are you a better person because of this?

A better way. We have a Father who loves us so much He put His grace, lovingkindness, and mercy in place of our glaring weaknesses. David wasn’t perfect—Adultery and murder are the stuff of paperback novels. Paul was a murderer and wrote the most influential book on love. Jesus said, “Love covers a multitude of sins when a prostitute cleans his feet with her tears and hair.”

Willpower and Compliance. I’ve seen hopeless situations where people admit they are powerless. There’s so much we are powerless over. Paul takes it further. He boasts about His weaknesses for the power of Christ to dwell. I don’t know about you, but I don’t boast about my weakness. I hide them, even from the Father.

Love. I read the story of the Prodigal Son when I’m shaming myself. We can always return to the Father with Jesus as our advocate and the Holy Spirit as our guide. No matter what you’ve done, you are deeply loved.

Musings

First aid: “And to know the love of Christ, which passeth knowledge, that ye might be filled with all the fullness of God,” Paul states in one manner or another the key to genuine transformation. Instead of self-loathing, may we take it to the Father with confidence and His fullness.

Prayer

Dear Father,

You love us beyond understanding. You love us at the bottom of the abyss, no matter what we’ve done. You’ve promised nothing shall separate us from Your love, not death or illness or shame. We cling to Your promises and trust the power of Your Son to save us and fill us.

Amen.

Blind Spots

“Brothers and sisters, even if a person is caught in any wrongdoing, you who are spiritual are to restore such a person in a spirit of gentleness; each one looking to yourself so that you are not tempted as well.” Galatians 6:1 NASB

“A crisis is made by men, who enter into the crisis with their own prejudices, propensities, and predispositions. A crisis is the sum of intuition and blind spots, a blend of facts noted and facts ignored.”
― Michael Crichton, The Andromeda Strain

Blind spots. We all have them. Others see ours easily. We see theirs. We all excuse or deny them. Someone calculated the average person has 3.4 blind spots. Oh! How they cause so much destruction in ourselves, others, and the abundant life we seek.

Poor self-esteem. It is tough to admit but poor self-esteem causes poor choices in relationships, careers and healthy living.

Shame. This one may cause isolation, arrogant behavior (hard to believe, I know), and addictions to soothe shameful feelings.

Denial. The Queen of Denial, we’ve heard the Queen expression many times. “I don’t drink, spend, cuss as much as…”

Entitlement. The “I deserve this” attitude. No, we don’t. We deserve an honest wage for honest work but most of the things we think we deserve like fairness are not available here on Earth. We try to accomplish this but sometimes it doesn’t pan out.

Resentment. Envy, comparing, holding on to wrongs imagined or realized. Resentment is the tool we use to wound ourselves. It does nothing to the person we resent.

What to do? Repent. It is an ancient, Biblical word that means change your mind, turn around. Feelings of contrition, guilt, fear, and regrets usually are part of repentance. The Bible contains people who resisted repentance starting with Adam and Eve. They blamed the serpent, and God and Adam blamed Eve. Consider the outcome if Adam and Eve owned their behavior, “I’m sorry, God.” When we don’t repent, we miss the beauty of repentance: reconciliation. Throughout the Bible and daily life, when someone repents, their lives become an inspiring story of victory and humility. Not overnight, perhaps, but it comes. How many addicts committed to repentance, sobered up, and became examples of compassion, strength and truth? I’ve seen marriages healed, including my own, because the couple committed to repentance, turned toward the Father, and changed their behaviors. We desperately need repentance today.

Musings

“What we avoid will tyrannize.”Think of Cain and Abel. Think of addictions. Think of multiple divorces.Bankruptcies. We must turn around and let the Father put us back onto the road of reconciliation, mercy, compassion and growth.

Prayer

Dear Father,

Thank you for repentance that restores us into right relations with You and others. It humbles, educates, and brings us closer to You. We can accept our blind spots when we consider how very much You love us through our Advocate, Jesus.

Amen.

You are Precious

You are Valuable

“For you know that it was not with perishable things such as silver or gold that you were redeemed from the empty way of life handed down to you from your ancestors, but with the precious blood of Christ, a lamb without blemish or defect.” 1 Peter 1:8-19 NIV

“People who add value to others do so intentionally. I say that because to add value, leaders must give of themselves, and that rarely occurs by accident.” John C. Maxwell

Empty way of life handed down from our ancestors! Doesn’t this one statement explain a lot? I know many of my struggles in life have been handed down through generations. Some are alcoholism, personality disorders, and picking bad partners for life and business. I loved many of them to the moon and back but couldn’t change them. The destruction can stop with us.

It starts with the little things:

Kids should be seen and not heard. Really? Dinner time can be an educational and affectionate time with our kids. There is movie night, game night, doing the dishes with funny or educational conversations, and remembering vacations while washing the car.

They’re old now. What use are they? Wisdom. Did they fight in a war? Build a house? Teach? March with Martin Luther King, Junior? Save someone in an accident? Do they give you a warm smile and hug you?

Adding value to others is no accident.

The world shuts out and shuts down a person’s value unless you do it their way. The Father’s values are different from the world’s. Even when we don’t do it the way the Father wants, we’re still loved, encouraged and accepted. His forgiveness opens our hearts and minds to a better way.

You are valuable. You are loved. You matter.

Have there been people in your life that demonstrated their love as well as said it? They’re out there. My dear friend, who passed away recently, always had a pot of coffee, good conversation and a smile. We did embrace and say we loved each other. A gift.

Love is a verb. And it’s done whether we feel like it or not. We practice loving behavior when we overcome our “I’d rather not” times.

Our Father demonstrated his love for us while we were hostile toward Him and He still does.

Musings

“Self-care is a willingness to be happy and pursue joy,” Beatrice Chestnut wrote. I believe Christianity is a willingness to be happy and pursue joy while keeping an open heart and mind. This is how we heal and help others. This is an abundant life.

Prayer

Dear Father,

It’s so difficult to grasp how much you value us. We take it on faith and trust while the Holy Spirit guides and transforms us. We thank you for this gift—the mercies that are new every morning.

 Help us to show others their God-given value too.

Amen.

Why Do Bad Things Happen?

Asking Why

“How long, Lord, must I call for help,
    but you do not listen?
Or cry out to you, ‘Violence!’
    but you do not save?
Why do you make me look at injustice?
    Why do you tolerate wrongdoing?
Destruction and violence are before me;
    there is strife, and conflict abounds.
Therefore the law is paralyzed,
    and justice never prevails.
The wicked hem in the righteous,
    so that justice is perverted.” Habakkuk 1:3 NIV

“Bad things are actually good things for awakening! But the best thing is to be awakened before the bad things happen!” ― Mehmet Murat ildan

How many times have we asked why in difficult times? I did every day when my husband was terminally ill.  Why did a pregnant woman die in a car accident? Why are there countries where people die from starvation? War? Like Habakkuk, I believed and looked at injustice and strife daily. It’s not supposed to be this way. Habakkuk concludes with a dark picture of nothing in the barn or on the farm, yet he still had a reason to rejoice because of the Lord, His strength, and His salvation. (Habakkuk 3:17-19) We can rejoice even though we are angry and fearful because the Father sees eternally and we do not.

How many times have we asked why when things are good? Why do I have such a loving family? Why did I receive good health? Why do I have loving relationships? Why do I have an abundance? It’s been said that being born in the USA is a tremendous gift. I believe it’s true. If you make $10,000 a year, you’re wealthier than 84% of the world. You can’t avoid seeing all who want to come here to know it’s true, no matter your political persuasion.

We take so much for granted, including and especially the Father. Throughout the Bible and history, we have seen the rise and fall of great countries. We have seen the rise and fall of mighty people. We have seen it personally in our homes and communities. We toss aside our faith and put it in the “wisdom” of others. Time for a Trust Walk. Our history with the Father shows He can be trusted. The saying, “If God brings you to it, He’ll bring you through it” is just as true today as it was in Biblical times.

Musings

In the Bible, the Lord says, “Come now, let us reason together.” That includes all the why questions. Sometimes we get an answer right away, sometimes it takes a long time and sometimes it’s a mystery. But the Father always does what is right for us.

Prayer

Dear Father,

You are so patient with us! We are like a determined toddler asking You why from sunup to sundown. We must remember to look at all you’ve created, like Job, and realize we are the creation and You are the Creator. We can be God or let God be God. We choose to let you be God. We are so unqualified and inadequate for the task. And yet, we’ll ask You why.

Forgive us and open our eyes to all of our blessings.

Amen.

What Are We Planting?

“Don’t be misled: No one makes a fool of God. What a person plants, he will harvest. The person who plants selfishness, ignoring the needs of others—ignoring God! —harvests a crop of weeds. All he’ll have to show for his life is weeds! But the one who plants in response to God, letting God’s Spirit do the growth work in him, harvests a crop of real life, eternal life.” Galatians 6:7-8 MSG

“Sooner or later everyone sits down to a banquet of consequences.” Robert Louis Stevenson

Spring! I happily reap some beautiful, scented flowers from the dirty, ugly bulbs I planted last fall. My rose bushes look like dead sticks in March but in May, what beauty and fragrance! A neighbor saw me fertilizing those barren sticks and thought they were dead—like Jesus in the tomb. Planting reminds me of the resurrection and Paul’s description of how we are planted in a dirty, musky grave and raised to eternal life in unspeakable joy.

Some of you started in a hole. Your parents may have been abusive or too permissive. Your education may have been at the School of Hard Knocks. You may have been in poverty or have a criminal record. It’s time to plow and plant new seeds of hope, forgiveness and love. Learning to plant takes encouragement from fellow gardeners, patience, and recognizing what to plant and when. Start where you are. Plant what you know. The Father will help you. Who has a garden you admire? Talk to them. Learn. Enjoy.

Some have lost their vision. I lost my purpose when people I loved died. Even during challenging times, having my loved ones close helped me continue in the Father’s purpose for me. Some lost their businesses and started from scratch again—so discouraging!  We trust the Father with our salvation but not with our loved one’s death. We trust the Father with our salvation but not our daily needs. This takes prayer, honesty and struggle.

Gift or the Giver. We may know the Father, seen His works in our lives and others but have we experienced Him? Have we praised Him, thanked Him, and enjoyed being with Him? Have we planted seeds of a relationship with Him? Relationships need nurturing and sunlight too. When we seek the Father, we find ourselves—our true selves.

We get what we give. We do what we are. Every day we must plant and nurture a spiritual seed with water, sunlight, and patience with heavenly expectation. Gardens have quick-growing crops like radishes and slow-growing crops like apple trees. Our Father is the Master Gardener and knows the best way to grow us.

Musings

No matter our situation, we can plant something that will grow and bless us and others daily. Even if we could not read our Bibles, the Law of Sowing and Harvesting is easy to see and experience. My son planted a sunflower seed when he was a little child. When the flower bloomed in two long months, so did his face with pride and joy. Think of the Father’s pride and joy in you.

Prayer

Dear Father,

You designed us to plant, grow and harvest, no matter our life’s vocation, age or ability. We thank You for guiding us in this tremendous responsibility with incredible reward. Please help us to see growth opportunities today.

Amen.

Angry With God?

“For the [resentful, deep-seated] anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God [that standard of behavior which He requires from us]. James 1:20 Amplified

“Be not angry that you cannot make others as you wish them to be; since you cannot make yourself as you wish to be.” Thomas a Kempis

Anger at God has been experienced by many Christians. I am one. Here are some reasons for those who admit they’ve been angry at God.

Death of a loved one. Yes, I too have raised a spiritual fist at the Father, and the guilt I felt just added to the despair. I think of the many military spouses and children who have lost their loved ones and blame the government, enemies but the hard and bitter truth to face is the Father allowed it.

Addictions. The Father heals. The Father did not heal some. Why? How could You? Enter doubt. Enter questioning yourself and the Father.

Illness. As a weary caregiver, I was angry. My husband was angry and frightened until Lewy body dementia took its place. Where are You, Father?

Abandonment. This could be parents, friends, spouses, church, or a sudden company layoff.

Those who have turned their back on God may still have faith; they’re angry and can’t bring themselves to face this. It feels wrong. I know of a woman whose daughter joined a religious cult and she and her husband tried everything to bring their daughter home. The daughter is still in the cult. Which brings me to…

Many have left the church because of Christians in the body and some of their experiences are valid—1st Corinthians is full of the challenges we still have in the church today. But to stop looking for healing, a blessing, or an answer is to let another rob you of your relationship with the Father and His will for you.  Healing and understanding will be difficult if not impossible.

Get Honest. The Father knows we are frustrated trying to understand things we can’t. The disciples did not understand Jesus at the Last Supper and they were warned of His approaching death. They loved Jesus with all their hearts and soul. We do too. Having someone say, “We live in an imperfect world and we’re not in Heaven yet,” offers little comfort. We know this. It’s time to embrace the promise in Romans 8:28. He will bring good out of every situation if we love Him. Being angry is not a lack of faith. Being angry does not mean you don’t love Him. It’s a part of being human and learning about relationships. Being angry without sin is the goal. Anger causes us to look and learn.

Musings

We love our children and we get angry at them. We love our spouse, girlfriend, boyfriend, parents, and friends—we’ve been angry with them. We love the Father but lack of knowledge, fear, impatience, and frustration with His plans for us make us angry. Take it to Him. If you know another angry with the Father, listen, ask non-judgmental questions, and don’t quote scripture. Validate their feelings, “This must be very difficult. Your loss is tremendous.” Be an Empathetic Witness. Jesus met the many where they were stuck—a prostitute, a crippled man, a demon-possessed, a father whose child had died.  “What can I do for you,” Jesus asked many times. Tell Jesus what He can do for you. Pray without doubting. Help me is an honest prayer.

Prayer

Dear Father,

Being angry feels wrong, especially when it’s anger at You. You have told us to lean on You and not our understanding. We need to accept our anger and realize life is not fair and anger will visit us at times. Jesus was angry but He did not sin. Help us to do the same.

Amen.