Authenticity Means Being Vulnerable

“There is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love.” 1 John 4:18 NASB

“To love at all is to be vulnerable, love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” C.S. Lewis – Four Loves

I love authentic people, not only are they easy and fun to be with, but they give me the courage to live authentically. They’re warm, inviting, graceful, joy-filled.  They are not perfectionists. I leave their presence feeling just a bit better. Enlarged. May we be courageous enough to do the same because…

We practice vulnerability.

And you will get hurt. You will be stunned. You will have a broken heart. You will be betrayed. You will be criticized and sometimes cruelly by spineless creatures on the Internet. Sometimes by our own family. Yet, we must love, authentically, or it’s not love. It could be some people-pleasing, approval-seeking, manipulative, codependent behavior. It’s making someone else responsible for my well-being, my sense of self, and validation. If that person disapproves, then I crumble.

There’s only one Person who can give us perfect love. And He waits for your invitation. He does not cross boundaries, threaten, or intimidate. He does it perfectly. Where is our treasure? Where is our self-image? What is our idea of success?  Don’t let another define you.

Musings

The most authentic, unassuming, validating Person I know is Jesus. From rabble-rousing fishermen, tax collectors, and prostitutes to imperfect me, He was and is real. He had no advantages. He grieved. He wept. No status. No sports cars. No designer clothes. No media platform. No agent. Yet, people were drawn to him. Changed with him. Loved him. Died for him. He experienced everything and more to be our Savior. He was perfect in love.

Prayer

Father,

Thank you that you have made us unique individuals with stewardship over the talents you’ve given. Help us to live authentically for that is the only way we can truly live and love. Love hurts sometimes. Your beloved son knows this. “For the joy set before Him, he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.” Thank you for joy and a life with all the ups, downs and in between to help us become authentic.

Amen.

Are You an Over Thinker?

Overthinking

“Think about the things of heaven, not the things of earth.” Colossians 3:2 NLT

“I think and think and think, I have thought myself out of happiness one million times, but never once into it.” – Jonathan Safran Foer

If there’s anything I do more than anything, it’s overthinking. The belief that the more I stew, ruminate, conjugate and review, the better the situation will be. Not true! I get higher blood pressure, stomachache, and a headache that dumps me into depression. It’s spinning my wheels. I feel like I’m getting somewhere, and I am, deeper and deeper in the mud.

Time to change my thoughts. Here’s some medicine. All medicine takes time to heal, but improvement comes with time and following instructions.

Antidote: Live in the present. The past is gone. The future is the Father’s.

Antidote: Will this be pleasing to God? Overthinking causes me to be cranky with my children, and colleagues while diminishing me—not in a humble way. Overthinking is a whirlpool of apprehension, self-loathing and paralysis. I’ve again replaced the Father and used prayer to continue in overthinking. It’s been said: “God plus one is a majority.” What will be pleasing to the Father? Faith. Trust. Honesty. Courage.

Antidote: What is this trying to teach me? Maybe it’s as simple as looking upward or seeking wise counsel. Sometimes it’s a procrastination battle—it’s unpleasant or scary. Sometimes it’s reaching out to another. The Father is concerned with our character and learning, living, and loving fully.

Antidote: Write it down. Get it all out! Then put it away for a day or two. We might find the problem was not a problem or our problem. Sometimes the problem we’re overthinking dissipates. Poof!

Antidote: Self-compassion. Is this working for our good? For others? When overthinking, it’s a whole lot of self-loathing and self-condemnation. A change of mind is in order. We change our minds several times a day and we can change it back to good.

Antidote: Exercise. Take a walk with your pet. Put some elbow grease into something annoying you like a dirty car or spot on the rug. Sweat it out on a bike or dance as if nobody is looking.

Maybe you can add to this list, but one thing is sure, overthinking is not useful, kind or positive. Asking for prayer helps more than we realize. Practicing looking upward is tough but so helpful.

Musings

We get caught up in overthinking while excusing it as critical thinking. Not so. Overthinking is an indulgence in procrastination and anxiety. We cannot hold two thoughts at the same time so we need to choose: Hopefulness or trapped. Optimism or pessimism. Faithfulness or control. Confidence or escape.

Prayer

Dear Father,

You gave us a brilliant mind to solve problems, make plans, overcome obstacles and grow. Help us to see where we need to consider and unravel situations and where we need to look up to You to take the helm.

May our thoughts immediately go to You: What are you trying to teach us? Will it be pleasing to You? Is it our problem to solve? We are promised perfect peace through Your Son.

With thanks,

Amen.

Read the Room

“For we all stumble in many ways. And if anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle his whole body.” James 3:2 ESV

“The emotions of man are stirred more quickly than man’s intelligence.” – Oscar Wilde

I’m the first to admit I stumble in what I say. By this standard, I know no perfect people but enjoy the company of others working on this themselves and helping others.

Can you read the room? Anyone who has given a speech, or presentation or entertained, knows this statement: Read the room. Are there some checking their watch or phone? Some gossiping? Some with a chip on their shoulder? Some are there to fill time or some other obligation. You’ve lost before you start.

Jesus could and still does Read the Room. He knew the hearts of the Pharisees, Peter and his impulses, and the Sons of Thunder. He could do this because He knew who He was and acted accordingly. Was He impulsive when He threw out the money changers from the Temple? No, He was acting in righteous anger for His Father’s House. I wouldn’t want money changers on my front steps and I’m not righteous except through Christ.

We must read ourselves first to read others and be a Christian example. It’s not for the faint of heart.

Musings

Professor Marc Brackett, author of Permission to Feel, uses the acronym Ruler to guide us in our feelings and the feelings of others:

R – Recognition of emotions in oneself and others

U – Understanding the causes and consequences of emotions

L – Labeling emotions accurately

E – Expressing emotions appropriately

R – Regulating emotions effectively

It has helped so many and if struggling, seek help from like-minded people.

Prayer

Dear Father,

We can come to your throne boldly to find help and mercy for our imperfect speech and situations. With You, we dare to look inside and trust we can improve with the Spirit’s guidance and prayers.

With abundant thanks, we praise You.

Amen.

End of Life

“The LORD is near to the brokenhearted And saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18 NASB

“Grief is not a disorder, a disease, or a sign of weakness. It is an emotional, physical, and spiritual necessity, the price you pay for love. The only cure for grief is to grieve.” –Earl Grollman

I’ve received many requests about grieving lately and if this is you, I pray for you and your loved one.

Whether you are caring for someone who is leaving this world, or you’ve lost your love, the end always comes. It comes with a crushing, all-consuming blow.

Grief is the final act of loving someone. The deeper the love, the deeper the grief. There are no shortcuts, escape, or quick tricks to avoid grief. Drinking, eating, spending, running, moving, exotic trips or any immediate action will not provide relief or healing. We all try it anyway.

The only thing that starts us on the road to healing is…

Acceptance.

I accept that this will hurt.

I accept the relationship has changed.

I accept some people will say things that hurt out of awkwardness rather than harm. And they will. Do not rub this into your wound. The time will come and you’ll be the comforter.

I accept it will take time and others may not understand how lengthy grief is. They won’t. They will someday.

I accept tidal waves of grief will come but they won’t kill me.

I accept that I may need help and will seek it.

I accept each person’s grief is unique.

I accept I must step into an unfeeling world. Their time has not come.

I accept tears, regrets, and woulda-coulda-shoulda will visit me. Much of it is part of the grieving process and our regrets are probably not true. If true, I will write a letter to my loved one and release it to him/her and the Father.

I accept others’ help.

I accept the bone-aching, heart-wrenching times and just breathe. One step is good.

I accept the bad memories with my loved ones and their illness or trauma will someday morph into precious memories and laughter. Hope.

I accept questioning my faith and pray accordingly. There will be deep, meaningful lessons if we see it through. Better? eventually.

Live in the present. It’s hard, I know. The future is still unknown and the past is gone.

I accept grief is the final act of loving someone. The deeper the love, the deeper the grief.

May you receive comfort, presence, and blessings through “companioning” your loved one’s final journey. The Lord is with you always.

Prayer

Dear Father,

Please bless this heartbroken soul with healing, peace, and comfort. We know this is not the end, but it’s so dark right now and we are shattered.

Lift us. Keep us in your wings. Let us hide in You with thankful tears.

Amen.

Messy People

Messy People and Messy Feelings

“If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.” James 1:5 ESV

“Life is messy because people are messy.” – Simon Sinek

It’s been said, “Hurt people hurt people.” True enough. However, people hurt people because we aren’t perfect yet. I have hurt people. You have hurt people. People have hurt me and they have hurt you. I’m still a messy person. I’ve been around the sun many times and messy feelings can still derail me.

We learn our feelings are wrong—worse, we are wrong. Liver and onions—my parents loved this smelly dish. I detested it! My dog, Puddles, and I had a pact. He would sit under the table while I secretly pushed my liver under the table, into his drooling mouth. Caught! Both of us are in the doghouse! Pajama time and banished to my bedroom. Even worse, no Puddles, my faithful partner in crime. I felt angry and lonely. Thoughts of packing my doll, Puddles’ food, and running to my grandma’s house filled me with a delightful vengeance and false hope. They’ll be sorry. Visions of getting even can haunt me today. My feelings weren’t wrong about liver and onions but running away would be. Running away from problems is still a default in my mind but feelings motivate us to learn about ourselves and others and to find a better way. Most of life is relationships. Most of life is learning.

But here’s the thing, five things, actually, which are hard to swallow:

  1. You are responsible for your happiness.
  2. The majority of your limits are self-imposed.
  3. You can never fully prepare for what life throws at you.
  4. You will mess up. The best thing you can do is learn from it and move on. Same for others.
  5. Your loved ones will not be around forever. Cherish them.

These five things are hard for a child to understand, and even adults forget who is truly responsible for their lives. But it’s true. We have The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit to guide us.

Musings

Once we accept responsibility for our lives, wonderful things happen, though not without hard work, prayer, self-honesty and study. It’s a life-long process. Would we learn to love without sharing struggles, comforts and warmth? Would we love God with all our heart soul and mind if we didn’t need him? Pain: the great motivator and equalizer. And it does pass.

Prayer

Dear Father,

We messy people are so grateful for Your Son making us clean and whole. We are thankful for our feelings, even the painful ones, because they teach, motivate, and bring us closer to You with honesty.

Please help us to accept our feelings and the feelings of others to bring peace to our hearts and our relationships.

Amen.

The Green Monster

Envy/Jealousy: Limits God and Ourselves

“But if you have bitter envy and selfish ambition in your heart, don’t brag and lie in defiance of the truth.” James 3:14 HCSB

“Envy is pain at the good fortune of others.” — Aristotle

When I was in high school dating a handsome and charming fellow, the Green Monster, jealousy would appear at the worst time. Of course, immaturity had a hand, but if he gave attention to another girl, the hot flush and emotional upheaval would overtake me. Trying to contain 100 pounds of negative emotion was beyond my ability!

Envy visited me too. When my husband died, I was envious of all my friends who were still a couple and went to dinners, vacations and family reunions. To be fair, this is part of the grieving process. Learning to be content while alone is not an easy process. Jesus promised to be with me until the end of the age but he didn’t put His arms around me with words of comfort. This happened to the Apostle Paul too. In 2 Timothy 4:16, he wrote that everyone abandoned him when he was in jail facing criminal court.

We envy those closest to us because we see what they have and what they can do and we compare ourselves to them. Comparing will always leave us wanting. It also leaves us doubting and questioning the Father and ourselves. Then bitterness comes.

Why do they have…? Will I ever…? How come they…?

The Father treats others better than we, or so we think.

We don’t know their whole story. That’s the Father’s business and not our business.

We don’t know our whole story. The Father hasn’t finished “the good work in us,” which he promised.

Jesus had no advantage and still, He saved us. No college degree. No status. No wealth. No place to lay His head. Abandoned at the cross.

Musings

Jealousy is when you worry someone will take what you have. Envy is wanting what someone else has.Gratitude is absent. Blessings are hiding. Guilt enters. Bitterness invades. The Bible is filled with stories of envy and jealousy! Nothing new under the sun… But we have help through the Holy Spirit with prayer. “So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh,” counsels Paul. No bitterness or envy walking by the Spirit.

Prayer

Dear Father,

We envy and covet when we are not walking in the Spirit. We know comparing ourselves to others is a fool’s game. We know abundance is only possible with You at the Helm and our thankfulness with humility. Your Son had nothing so we could have everything. Please help us to remember this when tempted to envy or indulge in jealousy.

Amen.

Want Relief?

Looking for Relief

“’For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’” Jeremiah 29:11 NIV

“For fast-acting relief try slowing down.” Lily Tomlin

A heartburn commercial asked many years ago, “How do you spell relief?” Of course, they spelled the name of their product, Alka-Selzer. Their relief is temporary because the heartburn comes back without change to diet and anxiety. Most attempts at relief are temporary.

Are we looking for relief or an answer to prayer? Most of the time, when praying, I’m looking for relief. I think I need a drink to relieve the anxiety. I need to tell that selfish person to take a hike! I want relief from grief. I want relief from worry. I’m entitled to this or that because I’m worth it (another popular commercial years ago). Temporary.

 Relief–Time to let go of…

The need to control

Dwelling on the past or future

Old stories about our lives

Others’ approval

Need for certainty

Judgment of self and others

Perfection

Being 100% ready

This list is right by my computer because any time I’m anxious, worried, doubtful, or regretful, this list reminds me to let go. When I finally let go, acceptance, peace and answers come. I take this list and pray with it because it reminds me of Who is in control, gives me a future and hope, and prospers me. I hope it helps you too.

Musings

When relief is needed, faith is needed. Who is the Creator of all? With humble hands and hearts and thanks, we let go and let the Father be God. Like a child asking the parent for a hug of security, we do the same, knowing at the right time, all will be well.

Prayer

Dear Father,

You gave us Your Son so we could be made perfect and can approach You with everything and anything. Remind us who is the Creator and who is the creature. Creatures get tired, hungry, and lonely but with You, we are filled with contentment and peacefulness when we let go and let You.

Amen.

Got Patience?

Returning to the Mud

“Of them the proverbs are true: ‘A dog returns to its vomit,’ and, ‘A sow that is washed returns to her wallowing in the mud.’” 2nd Peter 2:22 NASB

“Anger is one letter short of Danger.” Eleanor Roosevelt

I have a love/hate relationship with my Internet provider. I’m in the middle of a project, paying the bills, or watching The Chosen, and down it goes. Not just for an hour but for days! It happens frequently and it’s my only option because I live in the country. I twist myself into a pretzel when talking to a customer service representative because they’re doing their best. Then comes a swear word. Then comes frustration. Then comes anger because I have no other options. Pretty soon…

I’m back in the mud. The major disappointment reveals how little I’ve progressed in dealing with the unexpected, especially regarding my will and plans. Is it life-threatening? No. Can I work around it? Could I call a friend for help? Usually, when I look at my Internet bill, I become flaming red with anger and think I’ll delay paying them the same amount of days my service is down. So much for patience, joy and peace.

It’s the little things that push me away from what I know to do and be. The daily unexpected things like traffic, a head cold, or more month than money test my soul. Patience scarcity.

What to do? Gratitude. I have food, a home and loving relationships. I have books to read, a garden to tend, and access to the Father 24/7. Good health is a huge blessing! So I tentatively tell the Father how embarrassed I am for returning to the mud. Bad habits do this to us too! One-and-done is usually not possible in the earthly realm. I feel so bad when it’s a behavior I repeat and speak the same prayer for help and forgiveness. But Help comes. A neighbor has the same frustration with our Internet service and she models such patience! And her grace with my Type A behavior is just short of a miracle. The Father provides grace for our repetitive lessons.

Musings

When we’re embarrassed to tell the Father about our return to vomit and mud, that’s the Liar working on separating us from Him. The Father promises to draw close to us when we draw close to Him. Daily frustrations and problems can be helped with Him at the helm.

Prayer

Dear Father,

We rob ourselves of peace when we become impatient with another, impatient with how the world is, impatient with ourselves. Your patience with us is unfathomable! Remind us to come to You when we’re anxious, short-tempered, frustrated, and discouraged with our impatience.

Thank you for the blessing of unlimited grace.

Amen.

Blind Spots and Button-Pushing

What is this about?

“And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh.” Ezekiel 36:26 ESV

“When pure sincerity forms within, it is outwardly realized in other people’s hearts.”-Lao Tzu

Difficult people! Tough situations! But no one has our number like our family, do they?

Who can shatter with one look? You know–that eye-brow lift that condemns?

Who can diminish with a not-so-well-meaning phrase? Example: “Are you losing weight? Celebrate, have a cookie.”

Who can share your most intimate experiences behind your back? Can you feel the shame or anger rise in you?

Aha! Family! The ones that are supposed to love us. The ones we’re supposed to love back. The ones that know our weaknesses even better than we do. And you know theirs.

What is this really about?

Coming from a very dysfunctional family is what it’s about. You did. Your siblings did. Your spouse did. Your best friend did. Your boss did. We all sin and fall short. Probably the trickiest to navigate is our family, which affects all other relationships. We learned, whether we were aware or not, how to adapt, limp, and shoot from the hip, especially we black sheep/scapegoat types. Survival! When we marry, we bring it into our marriages.

Then the biggie: Self-awareness without self-loathing. A lot of what we do that damages are the unconscious behaviors. We learn to sort through our unconscious behaviors and thoughts with a trusted friend, counselor, and the Father. He may remind us that our siblings came from the same dysfunctional family, but they experienced it and adapted differently than we did—they were in survival mode too. Then our Father reminds us of how precious and loved we are by Him so we can work on what is our responsibility. Then we open our hearts. We challenge the dysfunction, not the person. We set boundaries on what is acceptable and what is not, peacefully. The “Here, have a cookie” is met with “No, thank you.” The gossip is met with silence trusting the Father to handle the truth. Drama has left us. And we trust. We trust our Father. We gain patience. We gain peace. We let go. God reveals what a beautiful, “New Creation” we are. We live. We love. We are thankful for the lessons.

Musings

Almost every complaint, whine, and story shows what a righteous person I am compared to the other in my story. Then the question: “What is this really about?” brings me honesty. I remember the three questions when in doubt: Is this true? Is is helpful? Is it kind?

There’s my business and God’s business. The other is the Father’s business.  My business is to look inside, give grace, pray, and set boundaries. Seek help, if truly troublesome. My business is not to internalize and personalize actions and comments that come from a dysfunctional family, living or dead. If I’m to do more, God will gently open a way. What peace and freedom!

Prayer

Dear Father,

Thank you for our church families. Thank you for our Earthly families. Both are opportunities to grow in grace and love, looking to You to fill our neediness and dependency. You are readily available to show us how loved we are no matter the blind spots we have. Love is a discipline we are learning because You are Love and we are Your children. We want to be like You.

Amen.

Thoughts Determine Our Lives

Your Thoughts Are Life

“For as he thinks within himself, so he is. He says to you, ‘Eat and drink!’ But his heart is not with you.” Proverbs 23:7 NASB

“In every adversity, there lies a seed of an equivalent advantage. Every defeat is a lesson, showing you how to win next time.” Robert Collier

Driven thoughts. White-knuckling. I was trying to reach my sales goal during a frightfully, cold January, which was filled with anxiety, nail-biting and despair. If I didn’t reach my goal, bills wouldn’t be paid, food wouldn’t be on the table and the car wouldn’t get fixed. Anxiety about the weather, circumstances, and rejections filled my mind. When driven, other behaviors and feelings consume me such as envy, revenge, and self-absorption. Let go and let God was the last thing on my mind. “Do not fear,” the phrase said over 365 times in the Bible, was not reality. Driven: short-temper, exhausted, helpless, and hopeless. All destructive thoughts. A despair spiral!

Thoughts of love. Irresistible! The first time I saw my son in the delivery room, I knew I would do everything possible to raise him with love, joy and enthusiasm. When I see tornadoes rip through our country or veterans in need, I am compelled to help. How many of you are compelled to rescue animals? Yes, I’m one. The heart and mind are focused on love.

Thoughts and prayer. When fear of the future or pain from the past envelops me, the first thing I think of is to pray—Not! Thinking I have control is so ingrained in me. There is so little we have control over. Asking for help in prayer is something I must practice over and over. The help I need is the Psalms. They help me pray because they are full of problems ending with victory and joy in Him.

Life gives us many opportunities to obsess and hurt ourselves. Memorizing 1: Peter 5:6-7 counsels us to humble ourselves and cast our anxiety onto the Father because He cares for us. Picture this! How does the Father show He cares? Jesus modeled His Father perfectly.

Musings

I don’t want my head and heart to live in fear, failure and loneliness. The Father promises to rescue us and give us an abundant life. Paul counseled us to use our minds for lovely, noble, pure, and admirable thoughts because as we think, we are. Good or bad. Joy or despair. Helpful or stuck.

Prayer

Dear Father,

When times are dark, tragic, or anxiety-filled, we forget to look upward with thanks. It is a lifetime practice. Today we will focus on what You want us to do with thanks. Jesus is our example through storms, rejections, and threats to His life and ours.

Amen.