You Matter

Even when you don’t feel it.

“Look at the birds of the sky, that they do not sow, nor reap, nor gather crops into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more important than they?” Matthew 6:26 NASB

“Live like someone valued by God.” Unknown

Yes, I’m one of those people. I believe in God, I have faith, I know Jesus died for me, grace is mine. Understanding does not mean I’m at peace.  Grace does not mean I’m not tempted. Belief did not replace my worry. Grief wrestles me to the ground. Knowing Jesus died for me doesn’t mean I’m thrilled to take risks. I believe but my actions say differently. I am ignorant of my value in God.

God’s son died for us. Our value is not dependent on feelings, talent, or others’ opinions. This is hard to grasp at best and impossible without the Father’s help. I think It was Oswald Chambers who said, “You can trust the man who died for you.” A comfort in trying and scary times when we feel afraid and “little”—not of value or important at all.

Acting as the Father’s beloved child is scary, risky, and demanding because it’s not of this world. The world is dependent on feelings, while we are dependent on faith. The feelings will come.

Musings

“I know I’ve heard God when I don’t feel guilty and I’m not afraid.” Jan Johnson said this—words to live by.

Prayer

Father, thank you for not having to be anxious or afraid, but we do fear at times. This world frightens us every day. You made us with feelings and sometimes fear overtakes us. Remind us that in the middle of our storms, we can be like Peter was in his storm at sea: “Lord, help me.” You reach out. You take my hand. You rescue because…

We matter to You.

Amen.

Dailiness

The bugs and annoyances of life.

“A fool always loses his temper, but a wise person holds it back.” Proverbs 29:11 NASB

“No matter what type of anger or frustration we have to struggle with, a clear picture of how our faith in God is the answer to anything we need to overcome.” – Carol Graham

If you think small things don’t matter, wait until you’re trying to sleep with a buzzing mosquito biting you!

Frustration is those annoying, itching, biting mites interfering with our goals, rest, and peace. It’s remarkable that people can handle catastrophes, tragedies, and pain better than the daily nits that poke at us. An urgent phone call in the middle of a meeting, a child throwing up in class, or a flat tire on the way to work are those little bugs that throw the whole day out of kilter—and, worse, our attitude.

Control. I have, once again, fooled myself into thinking I have it. The big obstacles of life are so hard, it’s true, but we give ourselves grace and admit we do not have control over life and death, tornadoes, or other catastrophes. We pray. We give ourselves a bit of compassion. We seek assistance. We pray for each other. More importantly, we get back up, dust ourselves off, thank the Father, and start again with His ever-present help. It’s the same for the little, annoying, and frustrating things. Life is so full of these and many times throughout the day.

Musings

The termites, mites, gnats and bugs of life. These are what cripple our spiritual walk and our joy. The daily “what nows” of life humble us. The belief that we should have control and do have control over the little annoyances deceives us. Perhaps, that’s the point. Let’s start all over again… With grace. They are small things compared to the eternal picture. (By the way, I just dropped gravy all over me and the floor).

Prayer

Dear Father,

Thank you for your wisdom, grace, and counsel in the big and the little things. We consider little things annoyances and frustrations we should control, but they are the daily disciplines of being more like your Son. No matter what happens today, you are with us, and we can joyfully, with a bit of humor and humility, have a good day. Jesus took the world as it is. We need to do this, too.

Amen.

Shame! Shame! Shame!

Ashamed of Shame

“They looked to Him and were radiant,
And their faces were not ashamed.
6 This poor man cried out, and the Lord heard him,
And saved him out of all his troubles.
7 The angel of the Lord encamps all around those who fear Him,
And delivers them.” Psalm 34:5-7 NKJV

“Shame is the most powerful master emotion. It’s the fear that we’re not good enough.” Brene Brown

Can you imagine not feeling shame ever again? Have you experienced the following?

A DUI

Divorce.

Horrible behavior at a social or company function

Bankruptcy

Being a smoker, obese, uneducated, poor, addicted, having too many sexual partners and on it goes.

Guilt is the realization that what I did was wrong. A change of mind and action and an apology work well. Grace.

Shame: the realization that I am wrong. A flawed, devastating feeling about who we are that is wrong. That horrible pit in the stomach. It isolates. Devastates. Lies. Paralyzes. Inauthentic. Grace doesn’t seem to quench the fire of shame. Fight or Flight takes over. Flight is my go-to but some will fight.

Stuck! Stuck! Stuck! I know my life is hidden in Christ, but others? Not so much.

What to do? We are counseled to confess our sins to our Father and another. Oh! What a big slice of humble pie this is! All is not horrible though. We are a New Creation, though our behaviors and the past shout differently. Thank God for his patience! We need some for ourselves too. Even Paul struggled to put aside the “flesh.” Grace gives us a “do-over” and reminds us to “see” ourselves as new. The Father’s mercies are new every morning. This takes a lot of practice, prayer and encouragement. There will be whispers in our hearts and from others that it’s not true.

When we confess to another Christian, one who truly has our best interests at heart, we are encouraged. Usually, a Christian will say they’ve done something similar. C.S. Lewis said, “What! You too? I thought I was the only one.” Our hearts receive some peace in the company of another struggling to grow. Vulnerability is the opposite of shame.

Musings

We are New Creations. We are made in the image of God. One mistake, snafu, slip up and then roaring, condemning, shameful feelings! Sometimes I think shame is the Devil’s favorite tool. It stops us from being honest, and reaching out and an abyss grows between our Father and ourselves. We don’t deserve joy, success, friends and family. Shame rips away all the wonderful things our Father wants for us. Today I will be vulnerable. Today I will have the courage to share with others. Today I will be grateful my Father made me.

Prayer

Dear Father,

You nailed shame to the cross. You make us walk in the “newness of life.” Thank you. But we are fearful. Remind us to “step into the water” of vulnerability and watch the sea part. We cannot truly love with shame dragging us down. We can’t love ourselves, another or You. We cannot be “real” with shame poisoning our hearts and lives. We give you our shameful feelings today and in faith, share our vulnerability.

Amen.

Choosing Absence

“But he withdrew himself in the deserts and prayed.” Luke 5:16 ERV

“Choose your absence so that your presence will have more impact.” — Emily P. Freeman

Sometimes I withdraw to breathe. Sometimes I withdraw to cry. Sometimes I withdraw to play! Sometimes I withdraw to meditate and pray. These are healthy and growth-enhancing times—not isolation. It’s a positive choice. I can tell because when I rejoin life, I participate in life more fully. I have more to give. I don’t compare myself with others. I have spiritual, emotional and physical energy. That’s presence.

Isolation is not life-enhancing. Isolation is not living fully. It’s a compulsion. When with others, the presence is like Eeyore, the depressed donkey of Winnie-the-Pooh fame. It’s a thundercloud and blocks the sun. Our light goes out.

What are some of the things we need to withdraw from?

Obviously, an addiction. Toxic people. Social media. Take a break from the news. Most of all, that nagging, parental voice in your head that always condemns. That’s not our Father.

When we withdraw and place our focus on our Father, word, prayer, creativity, and even play, we are filled. I love a quote: “Even prophets and saints need a distraction.”  Ecclesiastes says, “And people should eat and drink and enjoy the fruits of their labor, for these are gifts from God.”

Do we strive too much, or work too much? Do we forget to enjoy our family meal? A board game with the family? Many I know, and I’ve done the same, work harder at going on vacation than at their career! There’s nothing wrong, in fact, it’s good, to withdraw and enjoy our families. Play. Humor. Game night. Movie Night. Book club?

And then we develop a presence that nourishes others and ourselves.

Musings

We all, even Jesus, need time alone to reflect, pray and play. We are not “human doings!” Our world reaffirms that we must do more, be more, and try harder when what we need is to withdraw for a time. Count our blessings one by one, as the song says. Meditate on all our Father has done and is doing in our lives. Enjoy to the maximum the gifts we have from our Father. Sometimes being happy with what we have is an excellent expression of gratefulness. I know when I give a gift and the receiver is tickled, that’s the best thanks ever! So is our Father.

Prayer

Dear Father,

Thank you for all the gifts you give us. They’re too numerous to name!  There’s nature, your Son, others in our lives, our careers, our homes, and a time to play and laugh. Remind us we are children–Your children. Absence is a time to be with you, relish you and enjoy the gifts you’ve given us.  As the Psalm says, “You restore our souls.”

Amen.

Sin Management

“Likewise, you who are younger, be subject to the elders. Clothe yourselves, all of you, with humility toward one another, for ‘God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.’” 1 Peter 5:5 ESV

“Your greatest life messages and your most effective ministry will come out of your deepest hurts. The things you’re most embarrassed about, most ashamed of, and most reluctant to share are the very tools God can use most powerfully to heal others.” Rick Warren

The more touchy we are, the more we’re covering up. The more we explain, the more we’re hiding (I did this in trauma counseling). The sarcastic comeback, yep, avoiding and building oneself up at the other’s expense. Hiding receipts, substances, food, or porn, shame is calling the shots, and puffing ourselves up with money, power, beauty, or status is hiding a big wound somewhere.

Sin Management. I think it was Dallas Willard who coined the phrase. But Sin Management is something we’re all guilty of. We want to look better and be better than we think we really are. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be better, but without honesty and courage, humility it ain’t!

Defensive parent. My parenting. I was a good parent but I made some whopper mistakes. Divorce always shatters and confuses kids. I own at least half. And never enough money or time as a single parent. My ex and I, at the very least, co-parented. When my son brings up something I’ve done that harmed him, I want to hide. But it’s there. It’s hurting both of us.

Defensive caregiver. Caregiving my dying husband. Soooo many mistakes and every one of them comes into view during the grieving process. Grief groups are a safe place to vent them. Someone there has experienced what you’re feeling and can help you ease the burdens.

Are you defensive about something?

The best thing to do is to take it to our Father who guides and helps without judgment. Be open to His nudges. And don’t condemn yourself when you go two steps forward and one back. Remember: “There is no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus.”

Musings

As long as we’re here on planet Earth, we’ll be defensive about something! We will slide again and again into sin management. There will be progress in hindsight most times but we can always be honest with our Father. The Prodigal Son finally was. His homecoming was a momentous blessing of love, mercy and second chances. We are the Father’s Prodigal Son or daughter.

Prayer

Dear Father,

We want to be bigger, better and successful. We don’t like looking at the things that are hidden and cause us to be defensive. If we don’t admit these things to You, we’re lost. If we don’t take these things to You, we remain on autopilot with no self-awareness, healing, growth or wisdom. We remember how fortunate we are that we can be like the Prodigal and come home with no condemnation or punishment. “He who fears punishment is not perfected in love.” Perfect us in your love.

Amen.

Holiday Gatherings? Blind Spots and Button Pushing.

What is this about?

“And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh.” Ezekiel 36:26 ESV

“When pure sincerity forms within, it is outwardly realized in other people’s hearts.”-Lao Tzu

People with a heart of flesh get hurt.

Difficult people! Tough situations! But no one has our number like our family, do they?

Who can shatter with one look? You know–that eye-brow lift that condemns?

Who can diminish with a not-so-well-meaning phrase? Example: “Are you losing weight? Here, have a cookie.”

Who can share your most intimate experiences behind your back? Can you feel the shame or anger rise in you?

Aha! Family! The ones who are supposed to love us. The ones we’re supposed to love back. The ones that know our weaknesses even better than we do and you know theirs.

What is this really about?

It’s about coming from a dysfunctional family. You did. Your siblings did. Your spouse did. Your best friend did. Your boss did. We all sin and fall short. Our family is probably the trickiest to navigate, which affects all other relationships. We learned, whether we were aware or not, how to adapt, limp, and shoot from the hip, especially we black sheep/scapegoat types. Survival! When we marry, we bring the garbage with us, unconsciously.

 Then the biggie: Self-awareness without self-loathing. We sort through our emotional garbage with a trusted friend, counselor, or the Father. He may remind us that our siblings came from the same dysfunction, but they experienced it and adapted differently than we did—they were in survival mode too. Then our Father reminds us of how precious and loved we are by him so we can work on what is our responsibility. Then we open our hearts. We challenge the dysfunction, not the person. We set boundaries on what is acceptable and what is not. The “Here, have a cookie” is met with “No, thank you.” The gossip is met with silence trusting the Father to reveal the truth. Drama has left us. And we trust. We trust our Father. We gain patience. We gain peace. We let go. God reveals what a beautiful, “New Creation” we are. We live. We love. We are thankful for the lessons.

Musings

Most of the time, it’s about them and their stuff. If I pause, I can let stuff go.

Almost every complaint, whine, and story shows how righteous I am compared to others in my story. Then the question: “What is this really about?” brings me honesty.  There’s my business and God’s business. The other person is the Father’s business.  My business is to look inside, give grace, pray, and set boundaries. Seek help, if truly troublesome. My business is not to internalize and personalize actions and comments that come from a dysfunctional family, living or dead. If I’m to do more, God will gently open a way. What peace and freedom!

Prayer

Dear Father,

Thank you for our church families. Thank you for our Earthly families. Both are opportunities to grow in grace and love, looking to You to fill our neediness. You are readily available to show us how loved we are no matter the blind spots we have. Love is a discipline we are learning because You are Love and we are Your children. We want to be like You.

Amen.

Ease Off the Gas!

Quit abusing God’s beloved

“If anyone speaks, they should do so as one who speaks the very words of God. If anyone serves, they should do so with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen.” 1 Peter 4:11 NIV

“Be aware of your inner treasures and share them with others.” Yours Truly

Whenever I have accepted that I have a bad habit, character flaw, or let’s face it, sin, I bear down with all my strength to change it, change me. Not healthy. A nasty habit! And I’ve missed the point. I missed the lesson. Hurt God’s child–like a brutal taskmaster, I berate myself with: “You idiot!” “You knew better.” “How could you’ve messed up so badly?” “You’re stupid.” “You addict—you’ll never change.” And our Accuser loves when we denigrate a beloved creation of God’s—us!

We’ve touched on this before and the truth is we’re talking to a beloved person in a very abusive way: Ourselves. I never read, learned, or experienced positive, Christian growth with a brutal attack on myself. Have you? And think of the message it carries to our children and spouses!

Three things I know for sure:

  1. We are loved by God
  2. We are accepted by God
  3. We are transformed into being more like his beloved son

Why do we insist on beating ourselves unmercifully? Childhood dysfunctions, tragedies and mistakes, learning a new task, work fears, worldly advertising, and more are bombarded daily into our ears, minds and hearts. They’re false. Outright lies! Deceptions!

Today and every day, especially during the holidays, ease up on yourself. Stop. Breathe. Thank God that you are beloved, accepted, and transformed, no matter the circumstances, and watch a subtle yet powerful miracle occur in you and your life. Blessings of inner treasure that you are to share, especially during the holidays.

Musings

Being a good and gracious steward of God’s personal and unique gifts is an awesome responsibility. It starts with how we speak to ourselves, a beloved child of God. Let us speak to ourselves as a best friend would with wise counsel, love and compassion. If we can’t, let us ask God who will provide exactly what we need without recrimination or punishment. If we do so, think how marvelously we will speak to others. What a difference we would make in our communities—our world.  “As a man thinks, so is he.”

Prayer

Dear Father,

When we are overcome and overwhelmed by our “bad,” remind us that we are your Creation and loved unconditionally. We so often depend on our good feelings to determine our value and twist or hide or deny our frailties. Help us to remember that we can’t change without asking you to help us. When going in our strength, remind us how that’s worked in the past– It didn’t. “The Spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.” Help us to let go and let You into all things, especially our faults, with gratefulness.

Amen.

Spiritual Breakdown

 “And Peter went out and wept bitterly. And the men that held Jesus mocked him and smote him.” Luke 22:61-62

“It’s not the load that breaks you down. It’s the way you carry it.” C.S. Lewis

Peter, even after Jesus warned him, broke. He denied his savior three times before the cock crowed. This is after Peter said he would die for Jesus. What a picture of internal devastation. He betrayed the one he loved most—spiritual breakdown.

We all have been broken, will break, or are broken now. Tests of faith come. The gut, heart, and soul are in agony because of the hopelessness of who we are. We may be in pain because of the death of a loved one, bankruptcy, health, and addiction, and blame our Father for it all. Pain’s like that. Like a cornered animal, we snarl and strike, weep bitterly, or suppress our feelings and suffer depression. We can still take it to our Father–Hope.

Or is it a spiritual breakthrough? Feelings are a necessary part of life. They’re noisy, unpleasant, and exhausting like undisciplined children demanding attention and “I want it now.” Are we turning loose of the situation while resting in our Father? Are we reflecting, praying, seeking assistance? Sometimes all we can do is the next right thing while we wait. Peter went back to fishing–The thing he knew—the load he could carry. But the miraculous love he received a few days later made him the Rock. This is true for us too.

Musings

We all have times when we hit bottom. It helps to remember what Job said, “And when he tests me, I will come out as pure as gold. For I have stayed on God’s paths; I have followed his ways and not turned aside.” There’s a purpose even when we can’t see it. He redeems our trials. He brings good out of a seemingly bad or hopeless situation. (Romans 8:28) Our breakdowns make us humble, and eventually whole, especially when we rely on our Father. The breakthroughs make us stronger. We become like gold now and eternally. We become a little bit more like Jesus.

Prayer

Dear Father,

Thank you for your Word, lessons, Holy Spirit, and grace to see us through our Spiritual Breakdowns. Thank you for the breakthroughs that make us more loving, forgiving and hopeful servants. We may not understand the trial right now so we rest in you, trust in you, and tell you everything. We wait with thankfulness for our breakthrough. It’s our little step toward “counting it all joy when we encounter various trials.” Feelings get in the way, but we trust, that with your help, we will be joyful.

Amen.

Learning to Self-Soothe

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.” John 14:27 ESV

“Within you, there is a stillness and a sanctuary to which you can retreat at any time and be yourself.” —Hermann Hesse

We learn to self-soothe as infants with a favorite blanket, rocking or (gasp!) sucking our thumb. My son, many years ago at about two years of age, needed surgery for a runaway cyst in his throat. It was a very minor birth defect that showed up as a red lump in the middle of his throat but could erupt at any time. The surgery went fine but my little guy was grumpy, in pain, and scared of all the noise and activities at the hospital. However, he had a favorite blanket. I was soooo embarrassed to bring it to the hospital because it was full of holes, definitely unsanitary and very faded. But the grumpy guy wanted it bad!  Over and over the word blanket was shouted, whispered, and cried throughout the halls of the hospital. So, I sucked up my pride, brought him his blanket, and hoped the nurses didn’t see this rag. He perched himself stubbornly in a little, red wagon, courtesy of the hospital, and there he stayed, blanket and all, until it was time for him to come home.

We still need to self-soothe. Yes, we’re adults but we’re also children of God.  Unfortunately, we don’t always have self-soothe in mind when we’re in the middle of an argument for the tenth time, the boss calls us into his office with the door closed, or one more stuck-in-traffic commute drains all hope from our soul. How do we soothe ourselves? We can’t grab a blanket or a bubble bath. We’re in the middle of it!

Refamiliarize yourself with your favorite moment, person or experience.  A wonderful, God-filled picture of pure peace just for you. Some picture the 23rd Psalm. Some hold an image of a favorite grandparent, pet or flower. Whatever brings you peace. Grab it. Hold on. Don’t let go. And breathe. My go-to when stressed is visualizing autumn, with the earthy smell of leaves, blazing color, and vibrant blue sky. A touch of Paradise!

Musings

No matter how stressful or fearful the situation, Our Father has gifted us with something special, soothing, and peaceful to bring us back to the moment with peace. When I read the quote by Vicktor Frankl, held hostage in a Nazi German war camp, I’m brought up short: “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way” — Man’s Search for Meaning.

Prayer

Dear Father,

Thank you for the many, many comforts you give us in the middle of this upside-down world. Thank you for your Word that offers comfort, blessings and promise. Help us to visit a peaceful place in the middle of turmoil and to remember Jesus’ words, “My peace I give to you, not as the world gives.”

Amen.

Help the Hurting Through the Holidays

“The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed,
    a stronghold in times of trouble.
Those who know your name trust in you,
    for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you.” Psalm 9:9-10 NIV

“Trauma is perhaps the most avoided, ignored, belittled, denied, misunderstood, and untreated cause of human suffering.” Dr. Peter Levine

There is no such thing as going back to normal after tremendous losses: No. Such. Thing.

Death of a loved one

Victim of a crime

War

Bankruptcy

Career loss

Terminal/chronic illness

Addiction

Natural disasters

Divorce – children suffer too

Abuse

If you want to help someone who has experienced a tremendous loss, let’s bust some common and harmful things right now!

Quoting scripture: Band-Aids on an amputation and dismissive. Scripture is wonderful and true but that’s not what’s needed right away. Please. It just adds salt to the wound. For instance, the hurting person will hear: “If you were a better Christian… If you just had faith…” Don’t. Just don’t. They need “companioning.” Be with them. Assure them you’re there.

“He’s with God now.” This means making God the villain of another’s loss. This leaves the bereaved suffering and feeling even lonelier and hopeless—”Even God has left me and taken my loved one.”

“At least you have other children.” One of the most cruel things to say and it hurts the children still alive. No one can be replaced. If you lost your leg and someone said, “Well, at least you have another leg,” how would you feel? Again, dismissive and hard.

“God never gives you more than you can handle.” This one drives me nuts! It was used when I was caring for my husband with Lewy body dementia. My Father did not give this! He is not the author of disease!  He did not give my husband dementia. The Liar and Murderer did. But God can handle everything and promises to help. God knows I couldn’t handle this, so prayer, wise and caring friends, and support groups are essential. He wants to help and rescue—sometimes through others and sometimes through the Spirit.   Paul frequently healed others but it was Luke, a gentile doctor, who attended to Paul’s wounds. (See Acts.)

“Well, at least he’s still with you.” Wrong, wrong, wrong again! I lost pieces of my hubby day after day after day.  He died daily. Those with spouses, children, or relatives with an addiction lose them piece-by-piece, day-after grueling day. Always on alert for the next disaster. Ask a dementia caregiver or parent with an addicted child. Are they really with you? Did you lose pieces of yourself along the journey?

“Well, at least you have each other.” How many hurricane survivors are jumping for joy on that one? They lost their entire fortunes, homes, mental health, faith, and much more. It may be true they have each other, but the shock settles in. Their way of life is gone! Their friends are gone! Their church building is gone. More grueling days, months, or years ahead with financial ruin.

AND THE MOST HURTFUL ONE EVER!!!!

Everything happens for a reason: Yes, yes it does. Here’s the reason: Evil in this world. This world is not our home. Remember when Job lost everything and his friends visited him and grieved with him? They were a comfort until they opened their mouths and decided Job must have done something wrong to have the tragedies he experienced. Remember Job was a righteous man beloved by God. Don’t hurt a person’s conscience and heart with this one.

Please do this…

Prayer, arms, listening ears, running errands, a homemade meal, or a personal gift can lift the hurting and give hope. Say validating things like: “This is really tough! You are going through a nightmare. What can I do to help you? Tell me more.” And listen. Be an Empathetic Witness. Ask our Father to open our hearts to see theirs. Jesus said many times, “What can I do for you?” Then he did it. We need to follow his way.

Musings

It’s so sad and destructive the trite sayings we trot out to those with agonizing losses. I’ve been guilty. We do this because we feel awkward or afraid we’re next. But Jesus showed us a much better way: Ask. Validate. Affirm your love. Companion. Love.

Prayer

Dear Father,

We are to weep with those who weep. We all will weep one day. We don’t want to be “Sunshine Christians” who only believe and give when it’s easy and nice. Help us to be “Sonshine Christians.”

With thanks, we go onward with your grace, transformation, love, and hope.

Amen.