Compassion Fatigue

“Casting all your cares [all your anxieties, all your worries, and all your concerns, once and for all] on Him, for He cares about you [with deepest affection, and watches over you very carefully]. 1 Peter 5:7 AMP

“Compassion is not a finite resource, but your energy and emotional capacity are. Prioritize self-care.” – Unknown

As a former caregiver, I know how the feelings run up and down, hot and cold, especially in shocking or unpredictable situations. I never knew when my husband, suffering from Lewy body dementia, would hallucinate, have panic attacks, or fall. These things happened often before I relinquished him to full-time care.

Then money worries.

Those in Life-saving careers, counselors, the military, and charitable organizations deal with it daily. Trauma, death, and catastrophic losses when one shows up for work.

Parents caring for their children and elderly parents, and those caring for the ill can forget their purpose. Who wouldn’t? We are but dust.

And the following occurs: Numbness, anxiety, short temper, exhaustion, hopelessness, and PTSD. But the number one…

GUILT. It is ubiquitous and life-damaging. It is when addictions may occur. Christians seem particularly susceptible to guilt because of our beliefs about what a Christian is—giving, loving, and patient. Christians are these things, too, but they are also human with all the limitations humanness has.

Time for Self-Care. What did you love to do before caregiving? What comforts? What or who can give you well-needed rest and support? For me, it was lunch with my close friends and a cleaning woman who would watch my husband so I could nap.

Sometimes self-care is unpleasant and unrewarding like going to the dentist, exercising, eating healthy meals, or (gasp!) finding time for a shower. I broke a tooth during my caregiving years, but I found a daycare for those with dementia through the senior center—tooth fixed. Please search sites that can assist.

Sometimes self-care is pleasant and rewarding like lunch with friends, a long nap under autumn leaves, or an online chat with someone going through similar situations. There were many Lewy body sites I could access at any time. I chatted with a woman in Australia at two a.m. who was going through the same. We even made lighthearted jokes to lift our spirits—we carried each other’s burdens. I thought about church members who could help but their dementia experiences were nonexistent and some were uncomfortable with dementia. They helped with errands like groceries and prescriptions and were happy to do it.

Musings

When caring for others, guilt is the number one problem. You’re doing the best you can to the point you collapse. Then we heap more guilt on ourselves. Pray, seek, and ask for help. It’s tough to ask for help sometimes but guilt is much worse. Talk to yourself like you would a beloved friend. Talk to yourself as the Father does. The 23rd Psalm is refreshing and leads us through the Valley of the Shadow of Death. The Father’s rod and staff comfort.

Prayer

Dear Father,

When we are at our limits from caring for others, help us to find solace and stillness with You. Bring support to us and hope. Sometimes our prayers are salty tears from guilt, sadness and exhaustion. We want to do what is right. You want us to practice self-care because we matter too. Christ removed all of our guilt.

With gratefulness always,

Amen.

Denial is Exhausting!

“And Peter remembered the word which Jesus had said, ‘Before a rooster crows, you will deny Me three times’ And he went out and wept bitterly.” Matthew 26:75 NIV

“The attempt to escape from pain is what creates more pain.” ― Gabor Maté

A wife was caring for her husband in the hospital and lifted her anxious eyes to see the verdict on the doctor’s face as he approached her. She said, “Not now. Let me put the bad news in my pocket to deal with later.” The doctor hugged her, put his phone number in her pocket and left. She did confront the bad news later that day but for a time, she prayed and consoled her very ill husband and wept privately. There is a time to deny some harsh things in life for a time.  We put it in our spiritual pockets and care for what is in front of us with awareness and faith.

Denial can be so very demanding. And it hurts! Ourselves and others.

Denial is a Brutal Taskmaster. We strain out a gnat and swallow a camel. Even the religious of Jesus’ time struggled with this—a mutual admiration society. Patterns are indicative of this: seeking approval, picking unhealthy people, addictions, chronic debt, and more–unconsciously.We can’t change our lives with the same mind that got us into trouble. We must become conscious—we avoid this like a root canal! And the patterns and pain continue. Exhausting!

Denial is deceptive. It may make us think more highly of ourselves than we ought to. Sadder still, we think less of ourselves who are made in the image of God.

Denial makes us judgmental. We see the speck in another’s eye and deny the log in our eye. We will stumble and crash over this log because we are blind. Self-reflection and awareness of the judgmental voice in our heads help banish judgmentalism, especially the judgmental voice that accuses us. That’s not the Father.

Our Father helps us.  No other person loves you unconditionally except our Father through His Son. No other religion loves unconditionally. In His wisdom, He shows His love by dying for us and facing hard truths with us—Not guilty. We have a new mind, “the mind of Christ and a new heart.” 2 Corinthians 2:16

It takes time, self-reflection, courage and hope. It’s a worthwhile and life-long goal with support and signposts along the way. We wouldn’t start a trip without a map, rest and a solid vehicle.  If a warning symbol lights up on our dashboard, we don’t deny it—we check it out and get help. When our feelings light up on our dashboard, time to pay attention and take a step toward healing. The Bible is our roadmap, the Holy Spirit is our vehicle, Jesus is the driver, and other encouraging Christians are our signposts.

Musings

One of the most difficult obstacles in our Christian journey is denial. So much opens up for us when we face our patterns with faith and courage. Help is on the way. Help is here.

Prayer

Dear Father,

Knowing we are fully and completely loved is our first step toward banishing denial. Thank you for being gentle with us. You are even gentle with us when we come and admit some hard truths about ourselves. You know them before we do. We know You want what is best for us and for Your Kingdom. What You have graciously given us should never be denied.

May we never deny Your Son.

May we share the good things today.

Amen.

Phonies

Goody-Goodies, Snake Oil Salesmen and Other Pretenders

“If anyone thinks they are something when they are not, they deceive themselves. Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else.” Galatians 6:3-4 NIV

“Talent is God-given; be humble. Fame is man-given; be grateful. Conceit is self-given; be careful.” John Wooden

New Christians may seem a bit hypocritical when they first become Christians, but that’s just young enthusiasm and thankfulness until the life lessons come to visit. And they always come to visit. They feel and celebrate as the Prodigal Son did with his Father, which is good, but what about the other son? Do we resemble him too?

Plodding, enduring, working, and a bit of martyrdom–duty. I can tell when I’m not abiding in Christ: resentment, comparing, and “what about me” is exhausting! It’s back to seeking approval, earning approval, and thinking it’s in my power. I have forgotten a fundamental truth:

God’s love is a gift. I can’t earn it; I don’t deserve it but here it is–a gift. Ephesians 2:8-10 states it plainly so we won’t boast and tumble away. We may become the other son in the Prodigal story. He earned it. He endured his brother’s failures. He worked and worked. Did he do it for the love of his Father? I think he was being dutiful for his inheritance—not out of love. The father said, “Everything I have is yours but your brother was dead and now he is alive!” Was the son that remained with his dad alive? This son worked with his Father, possessed all his Father had but there was no joy. And he did not want to celebrate his brother’s return to life.

Musings

It’s so upsetting sometimes when charities, politicians, and other public figures declare their faith and get caught in some scandal when no one is looking. They’ve cheated on their spouse, they come across as phony, and they’ve endangered or financially hurt their communities or their employees because they forgot: it’s a gift. There but for the grace of God go I. We must thank and abide. It could be us. Maybe it has been us.

Prayer

Dear Father,

The world always seduces us into thinking we’re something we’re not. It’s in our very hearts to be “something—” famous, rich, beautiful, talented or wise. These gifts can be good things if we abide by and remember who is the Gift-Giver.

“Thank you for Your Indescribable Gift.”

Amen.

Plank in the Eye-Ouch!

Or there but for the grace of God go I.

“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 4 How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? 5 You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.” Matthew 7:3-5 NIV

“Don’t judge a man by where he is, because you don’t know how far he has come.” C. S. Lewis

Joyce Hanscom Holzman’s list of what a healthy Christian looks like is worth placing on a mirror or another spot you frequent. It’s a terrific way to remove the plank from our eyes.

  1. Can love others without judgment.
  2. Has a healthy self-worth and gives all shame and guilt to God.
  3. Being able to regulate your emotions like sadness and joy.
  4. Can give grace to messy people who frustrate them and are unaffected by their opinions.
  5. Giving to people, not being selfish, and not expecting others to conform to their expectations.
  6. Maintains hope in God despite life’s setbacks.
  7. Takes responsibility for their emotions and actions, and do not blame others.
  8. Is not fearful but trusts God.
  9. Identifies wrong beliefs and adopts God’s truth for their beliefs.
  10. Is empathetic toward others.
  11. Is comfortable being alone and with others

For more helpful steps, visit Joyce’s Hope for Complete Healing website.

We miss the beauty of repentance and reconciliation when we don’t acknowledge our sins. Throughout the Bible and daily life, when someone repents, their lives become an inspiring story of victory and humility. Not overnight, perhaps, but it comes.

 Musings

“What we avoid will tyrannize.”Think of Cain and Abel. Think of addictions. Think of multiple divorces. Bankruptcies. We must turn around and let the Father put us back onto the road of reconciliation, mercy, compassion, and growth.

Prayer

Dear Father,

Thank You for repentance, which restores us to right relations with You, ourselves and others. It humbles, educates, and brings us closer to You. We can work on our blind spots when we consider how very much You love us through our Advocate, Jesus.

Amen.

You Matter

Even when you don’t feel it.

“Look at the birds of the sky, that they do not sow, nor reap, nor gather crops into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more important than they?” Matthew 6:26 NASB

“Live like someone valued by God.” Unknown

Yes, I’m one of those people. I believe in God, I have faith, I know Jesus died for me, grace is mine. Understanding does not mean I’m at peace.  Grace does not mean I’m not tempted. Belief did not replace my worry. Grief wrestles me to the ground. Knowing Jesus died for me doesn’t mean I’m thrilled to take risks. I believe but my actions say differently. I am ignorant of my value in God.

God’s son died for us. Our value is not dependent on feelings, talent, or others’ opinions. This is hard to grasp at best and impossible without the Father’s help. I think It was Oswald Chambers who said, “You can trust the man who died for you.” A comfort in trying and scary times when we feel afraid and “little”—not of value or important at all.

Acting as the Father’s beloved child is scary, risky, and demanding because it’s not of this world. The world is dependent on feelings, while we are dependent on faith. The feelings will come.

Musings

“I know I’ve heard God when I don’t feel guilty and I’m not afraid.” Jan Johnson said this—words to live by.

Prayer

Father, thank you for not having to be anxious or afraid, but we do fear at times. This world frightens us every day. You made us with feelings and sometimes fear overtakes us. Remind us that in the middle of our storms, we can be like Peter was in his storm at sea: “Lord, help me.” You reach out. You take my hand. You rescue because…

We matter to You.

Amen.

Dailiness

The bugs and annoyances of life.

“A fool always loses his temper, but a wise person holds it back.” Proverbs 29:11 NASB

“No matter what type of anger or frustration we have to struggle with, a clear picture of how our faith in God is the answer to anything we need to overcome.” – Carol Graham

If you think small things don’t matter, wait until you’re trying to sleep with a buzzing mosquito biting you!

Frustration is those annoying, itching, biting mites interfering with our goals, rest, and peace. It’s remarkable that people can handle catastrophes, tragedies, and pain better than the daily nits that poke at us. An urgent phone call in the middle of a meeting, a child throwing up in class, or a flat tire on the way to work are those little bugs that throw the whole day out of kilter—and, worse, our attitude.

Control. I have, once again, fooled myself into thinking I have it. The big obstacles of life are so hard, it’s true, but we give ourselves grace and admit we do not have control over life and death, tornadoes, or other catastrophes. We pray. We give ourselves a bit of compassion. We seek assistance. We pray for each other. More importantly, we get back up, dust ourselves off, thank the Father, and start again with His ever-present help. It’s the same for the little, annoying, and frustrating things. Life is so full of these and many times throughout the day.

Musings

The termites, mites, gnats and bugs of life. These are what cripple our spiritual walk and our joy. The daily “what nows” of life humble us. The belief that we should have control and do have control over the little annoyances deceives us. Perhaps, that’s the point. Let’s start all over again… With grace. They are small things compared to the eternal picture. (By the way, I just dropped gravy all over me and the floor).

Prayer

Dear Father,

Thank you for your wisdom, grace, and counsel in the big and the little things. We consider little things annoyances and frustrations we should control, but they are the daily disciplines of being more like your Son. No matter what happens today, you are with us, and we can joyfully, with a bit of humor and humility, have a good day. Jesus took the world as it is. We need to do this, too.

Amen.

Shame! Shame! Shame!

Ashamed of Shame

“They looked to Him and were radiant,
And their faces were not ashamed.
6 This poor man cried out, and the Lord heard him,
And saved him out of all his troubles.
7 The angel of the Lord encamps all around those who fear Him,
And delivers them.” Psalm 34:5-7 NKJV

“Shame is the most powerful master emotion. It’s the fear that we’re not good enough.” Brene Brown

Can you imagine not feeling shame ever again? Have you experienced the following?

A DUI

Divorce.

Horrible behavior at a social or company function

Bankruptcy

Being a smoker, obese, uneducated, poor, addicted, having too many sexual partners and on it goes.

Guilt is the realization that what I did was wrong. A change of mind and action and an apology work well. Grace.

Shame: the realization that I am wrong. A flawed, devastating feeling about who we are that is wrong. That horrible pit in the stomach. It isolates. Devastates. Lies. Paralyzes. Inauthentic. Grace doesn’t seem to quench the fire of shame. Fight or Flight takes over. Flight is my go-to but some will fight.

Stuck! Stuck! Stuck! I know my life is hidden in Christ, but others? Not so much.

What to do? We are counseled to confess our sins to our Father and another. Oh! What a big slice of humble pie this is! All is not horrible though. We are a New Creation, though our behaviors and the past shout differently. Thank God for his patience! We need some for ourselves too. Even Paul struggled to put aside the “flesh.” Grace gives us a “do-over” and reminds us to “see” ourselves as new. The Father’s mercies are new every morning. This takes a lot of practice, prayer and encouragement. There will be whispers in our hearts and from others that it’s not true.

When we confess to another Christian, one who truly has our best interests at heart, we are encouraged. Usually, a Christian will say they’ve done something similar. C.S. Lewis said, “What! You too? I thought I was the only one.” Our hearts receive some peace in the company of another struggling to grow. Vulnerability is the opposite of shame.

Musings

We are New Creations. We are made in the image of God. One mistake, snafu, slip up and then roaring, condemning, shameful feelings! Sometimes I think shame is the Devil’s favorite tool. It stops us from being honest, and reaching out and an abyss grows between our Father and ourselves. We don’t deserve joy, success, friends and family. Shame rips away all the wonderful things our Father wants for us. Today I will be vulnerable. Today I will have the courage to share with others. Today I will be grateful my Father made me.

Prayer

Dear Father,

You nailed shame to the cross. You make us walk in the “newness of life.” Thank you. But we are fearful. Remind us to “step into the water” of vulnerability and watch the sea part. We cannot truly love with shame dragging us down. We can’t love ourselves, another or You. We cannot be “real” with shame poisoning our hearts and lives. We give you our shameful feelings today and in faith, share our vulnerability.

Amen.

Choosing Absence

“But he withdrew himself in the deserts and prayed.” Luke 5:16 ERV

“Choose your absence so that your presence will have more impact.” — Emily P. Freeman

Sometimes I withdraw to breathe. Sometimes I withdraw to cry. Sometimes I withdraw to play! Sometimes I withdraw to meditate and pray. These are healthy and growth-enhancing times—not isolation. It’s a positive choice. I can tell because when I rejoin life, I participate in life more fully. I have more to give. I don’t compare myself with others. I have spiritual, emotional and physical energy. That’s presence.

Isolation is not life-enhancing. Isolation is not living fully. It’s a compulsion. When with others, the presence is like Eeyore, the depressed donkey of Winnie-the-Pooh fame. It’s a thundercloud and blocks the sun. Our light goes out.

What are some of the things we need to withdraw from?

Obviously, an addiction. Toxic people. Social media. Take a break from the news. Most of all, that nagging, parental voice in your head that always condemns. That’s not our Father.

When we withdraw and place our focus on our Father, word, prayer, creativity, and even play, we are filled. I love a quote: “Even prophets and saints need a distraction.”  Ecclesiastes says, “And people should eat and drink and enjoy the fruits of their labor, for these are gifts from God.”

Do we strive too much, or work too much? Do we forget to enjoy our family meal? A board game with the family? Many I know, and I’ve done the same, work harder at going on vacation than at their career! There’s nothing wrong, in fact, it’s good, to withdraw and enjoy our families. Play. Humor. Game night. Movie Night. Book club?

And then we develop a presence that nourishes others and ourselves.

Musings

We all, even Jesus, need time alone to reflect, pray and play. We are not “human doings!” Our world reaffirms that we must do more, be more, and try harder when what we need is to withdraw for a time. Count our blessings one by one, as the song says. Meditate on all our Father has done and is doing in our lives. Enjoy to the maximum the gifts we have from our Father. Sometimes being happy with what we have is an excellent expression of gratefulness. I know when I give a gift and the receiver is tickled, that’s the best thanks ever! So is our Father.

Prayer

Dear Father,

Thank you for all the gifts you give us. They’re too numerous to name!  There’s nature, your Son, others in our lives, our careers, our homes, and a time to play and laugh. Remind us we are children–Your children. Absence is a time to be with you, relish you and enjoy the gifts you’ve given us.  As the Psalm says, “You restore our souls.”

Amen.

Sin Management

“Likewise, you who are younger, be subject to the elders. Clothe yourselves, all of you, with humility toward one another, for ‘God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.’” 1 Peter 5:5 ESV

“Your greatest life messages and your most effective ministry will come out of your deepest hurts. The things you’re most embarrassed about, most ashamed of, and most reluctant to share are the very tools God can use most powerfully to heal others.” Rick Warren

The more touchy we are, the more we’re covering up. The more we explain, the more we’re hiding (I did this in trauma counseling). The sarcastic comeback, yep, avoiding and building oneself up at the other’s expense. Hiding receipts, substances, food, or porn, shame is calling the shots, and puffing ourselves up with money, power, beauty, or status is hiding a big wound somewhere.

Sin Management. I think it was Dallas Willard who coined the phrase. But Sin Management is something we’re all guilty of. We want to look better and be better than we think we really are. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be better, but without honesty and courage, humility it ain’t!

Defensive parent. My parenting. I was a good parent but I made some whopper mistakes. Divorce always shatters and confuses kids. I own at least half. And never enough money or time as a single parent. My ex and I, at the very least, co-parented. When my son brings up something I’ve done that harmed him, I want to hide. But it’s there. It’s hurting both of us.

Defensive caregiver. Caregiving my dying husband. Soooo many mistakes and every one of them comes into view during the grieving process. Grief groups are a safe place to vent them. Someone there has experienced what you’re feeling and can help you ease the burdens.

Are you defensive about something?

The best thing to do is to take it to our Father who guides and helps without judgment. Be open to His nudges. And don’t condemn yourself when you go two steps forward and one back. Remember: “There is no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus.”

Musings

As long as we’re here on planet Earth, we’ll be defensive about something! We will slide again and again into sin management. There will be progress in hindsight most times but we can always be honest with our Father. The Prodigal Son finally was. His homecoming was a momentous blessing of love, mercy and second chances. We are the Father’s Prodigal Son or daughter.

Prayer

Dear Father,

We want to be bigger, better and successful. We don’t like looking at the things that are hidden and cause us to be defensive. If we don’t admit these things to You, we’re lost. If we don’t take these things to You, we remain on autopilot with no self-awareness, healing, growth or wisdom. We remember how fortunate we are that we can be like the Prodigal and come home with no condemnation or punishment. “He who fears punishment is not perfected in love.” Perfect us in your love.

Amen.

Holiday Gatherings? Blind Spots and Button Pushing.

What is this about?

“And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh.” Ezekiel 36:26 ESV

“When pure sincerity forms within, it is outwardly realized in other people’s hearts.”-Lao Tzu

People with a heart of flesh get hurt.

Difficult people! Tough situations! But no one has our number like our family, do they?

Who can shatter with one look? You know–that eye-brow lift that condemns?

Who can diminish with a not-so-well-meaning phrase? Example: “Are you losing weight? Here, have a cookie.”

Who can share your most intimate experiences behind your back? Can you feel the shame or anger rise in you?

Aha! Family! The ones who are supposed to love us. The ones we’re supposed to love back. The ones that know our weaknesses even better than we do and you know theirs.

What is this really about?

It’s about coming from a dysfunctional family. You did. Your siblings did. Your spouse did. Your best friend did. Your boss did. We all sin and fall short. Our family is probably the trickiest to navigate, which affects all other relationships. We learned, whether we were aware or not, how to adapt, limp, and shoot from the hip, especially we black sheep/scapegoat types. Survival! When we marry, we bring the garbage with us, unconsciously.

 Then the biggie: Self-awareness without self-loathing. We sort through our emotional garbage with a trusted friend, counselor, or the Father. He may remind us that our siblings came from the same dysfunction, but they experienced it and adapted differently than we did—they were in survival mode too. Then our Father reminds us of how precious and loved we are by him so we can work on what is our responsibility. Then we open our hearts. We challenge the dysfunction, not the person. We set boundaries on what is acceptable and what is not. The “Here, have a cookie” is met with “No, thank you.” The gossip is met with silence trusting the Father to reveal the truth. Drama has left us. And we trust. We trust our Father. We gain patience. We gain peace. We let go. God reveals what a beautiful, “New Creation” we are. We live. We love. We are thankful for the lessons.

Musings

Most of the time, it’s about them and their stuff. If I pause, I can let stuff go.

Almost every complaint, whine, and story shows how righteous I am compared to others in my story. Then the question: “What is this really about?” brings me honesty.  There’s my business and God’s business. The other person is the Father’s business.  My business is to look inside, give grace, pray, and set boundaries. Seek help, if truly troublesome. My business is not to internalize and personalize actions and comments that come from a dysfunctional family, living or dead. If I’m to do more, God will gently open a way. What peace and freedom!

Prayer

Dear Father,

Thank you for our church families. Thank you for our Earthly families. Both are opportunities to grow in grace and love, looking to You to fill our neediness. You are readily available to show us how loved we are no matter the blind spots we have. Love is a discipline we are learning because You are Love and we are Your children. We want to be like You.

Amen.