Helping Another Through Grief and Trauma Through the Holidays
“The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed,
a stronghold in times of trouble.
Those who know your name trust in you,
for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you.” Psalm 9:9-10 NIV
“Trauma is perhaps the most avoided, ignored, belittled, denied, misunderstood, and untreated cause of human suffering.” Dr. Peter Levine
There is no such thing as going back to normal after a tremendous loss: No. Such. Thing.
Death of a loved one
Victim of a crime
War
Bankruptcy
Career loss
Terminal/chronic illness
Addiction
Natural disasters
Divorce – children suffer too
Abuse
If you want to help someone who has experienced a tremendous loss, let’s bust some common and harmful things right now!
Quoting scripture: Band-Aids on an amputation and dismissive. Scripture is wonderful and true, but that’s not what’s needed right away. Please. It just adds salt to the wound. For instance, the hurting person will hear: “If you were a better Christian… If you just had faith…” Don’t. Just don’t. They need “companioning.” Be with them. Assure them you’re there.
“He’s with God now.” This means making God the villain of another’s loss. This leaves the bereaved suffering and feeling even lonelier and hopeless—”Even God has left me and taken my loved one.”
“At least you have other children.” One of the cruelest things to say, and it hurts the children still alive. No one can be replaced. If you lost your leg and someone said, “Well, at least you have another leg,” how would you feel? Again, dismissive and hard.
“God never gives you more than you can handle.” This one drives me nuts! It was used when I was caring for my husband with Lewy body dementia. My Father did not give this! He is not the author of disease! He did not give my husband dementia. The Liar and Murderer did. But God can handle everything and promises to help. God knows I couldn’t handle this, so prayer, wise and caring friends, and support groups are essential. He wants to help and rescue—sometimes through others and sometimes through the Spirit. Paul frequently healed others, but it was Luke, a gentile doctor, who attended to Paul’s wounds. (See Acts.)
“Well, at least he’s still with you.” Wrong, wrong, wrong again! I lost pieces of my hubby day after day after day. He died daily. Those with spouses, children, or relatives with an addiction lose them piece by piece, day after grueling day. Always on alert for the next disaster. Ask a dementia caregiver or a parent with an addicted child. Are they really with you? Did you lose pieces of yourself along the journey?
“Well, at least you have each other.” How many hurricane survivors are jumping for joy on that one? They lost their entire fortunes, homes, mental health, faith, and much more. It may be true that they have each other, but the shock settles in. Their way of life is gone! Their friends are gone! Their church building is gone—more grueling days, months, or years ahead, leading to financial ruin.
AND THE MOST HURTFUL ONE EVER!!!!
Everything happens for a reason: Yes, yes it does. Here’s the reason: Evil in this world. This world is not our home. Remember when Job lost everything and his friends visited him and grieved with him? They were a comfort until they opened their mouths and decided that Job must have done something wrong to have experienced the tragedies he did. Remember, Job was a righteous man beloved by God. Don’t hurt a person’s conscience and heart with this one.
Please do this…
Prayer, arms, listening ears, running errands, a homemade meal, or a personal gift can lift the hurting and give hope. Say validating things like: “This is really tough! You are going through a nightmare. What can I do to help you? Tell me more.” And listen. Be an Empathetic Witness. Ask our Father to open our hearts to see theirs. Jesus said many times, “What can I do for you?” Then he did it. We need to follow his way.
Musings
It’s so sad and destructive the trite sayings we trot out to those with agonizing losses. I’ve been guilty. We do this because we feel awkward or afraid we’re next. But Jesus showed us a much better way: Ask. Validate. Affirm your love. Companion. Love.
Prayer
Dear Father,
We are to weep with those who weep. We all will weep one day. We don’t want to be “Sunshine Christians” who only believe and give when it’s easy and pleasant. Help us to be “Sonshine Christians.”
With thanks, we go onward with your grace, transformation, love, and hope.
Amen.
Prayers and Musings of a Black Sheep 
Thank you for the great reminders. I have a friend who walked away from the church. She is a single mother of three and her life is a wreck. The church helped her for a year while she was attending. She left over a year ago and refuses to let the church help her. I am one person, I can’t help her as she needs. I feel like my saying I am praying for you is so shallow. I have so many conflicting thoughts concerning her. I asked her to call me so we can talk, but she has pushed me away as well. Its as if she wants to do life on her own, but that is the reason why she is having so many problems. I am so very sad.
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My heart broke when I read your response. I will pray for her. Prayer SEEMS so empty because it’s often a slow process with steps forward and steps backward. I don’t realize the answer to prayer for months and sometimes years. Of course, “no” is a response I get, too. But it is the first thing I TRY to do, instead of worrying. He is God, and I am not.
I have a granddaughter the same way. She is bright, beautiful, and an intern, and became a legal assistant. She had a man, an electrician, who wanted to marry her, but…. God knows. I don’t. But I pray. I send cards—little gifts of how important she is to God and to all who know her. I didn’t really have a clue until my late 30s. The story is not over.
Keep me posted. I know God is at work, no matter my feelings.
Hugs and blessings.
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