Help the Grieving Through the Holidays

“The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed,
    a stronghold in times of trouble.
Those who know your name trust in you,
    for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you.” Psalm 9:9-10 NIV

“Trauma is perhaps the most avoided, ignored, belittled, denied, misunderstood, and untreated cause of human suffering.” Dr. Peter Levine

There is no such thing as going back to normal after tremendous losses: No. Such. Thing.

Death of a loved one

Victim of a crime

War

Bankruptcy

Career loss

Terminal/chronic illness

Addiction

Natural disasters

Divorce – children suffer too

Abuse

If you want to help someone who has experienced a tremendous loss, let’s bust some common and harmful things right now!

Quoting scripture: Band-Aids on an amputation and dismissive. Scripture is wonderful and true, but that’s not what’s needed right away. Please. It just adds salt to the wound. For instance, the hurting person will hear: “If you were a better Christian… If you just had faith…” Don’t. Just don’t. They need “companioning.” Be with them. Assure them you’re there.

“He’s with God now.” This means making God the villain of another’s loss. This leaves the bereaved suffering and feeling even lonelier and hopeless—”Even God has left me and taken my loved one.”

“At least you have other children.” One of the cruelest things to say, and it hurts the children still alive. No one can be replaced. If you lost your leg and someone said, “Well, at least you have another leg,” how would you feel? Again, dismissive and hard.

“God never gives you more than you can handle.” This one drives me nuts! It was used when I was caring for my husband with Lewy body dementia. My Father did not give this! He is not the author of the disease!  He did not give my husband dementia. The Liar and Murderer did. But God can handle everything and promises to help. God knows I couldn’t handle this, so prayer, wise and caring friends, and support groups are essential. He wants to help and rescue—sometimes through others and sometimes through the Spirit.   Paul frequently healed others, but it was Luke, a gentile doctor, who attended to Paul’s wounds. (See Acts.)

“Well, at least he’s still with you.” Wrong, wrong, wrong again! I lost pieces of my hubby day after day after day.  He died daily. Those with spouses, children, or relatives with an addiction lose them piece by piece, day after grueling day. Always on alert for the next disaster. Ask a dementia caregiver or parent with an addicted child. Are they really with you? Did you lose pieces of yourself along the journey?

“Well, at least you have each other.” How many hurricane survivors are jumping for joy on that one? They lost their entire fortunes, homes, mental health, faith, and much more. It may be true that they have each other, but the shock settles in. Their way of life is gone! Their friends are gone! Their church building is gone. More grueling days, months, or years ahead, leading to financial ruin.

AND THE MOST HURTFUL ONE EVER!!!!

Everything happens for a reason: Yes, yes it does. Here’s the reason: Evil in this world. This world is not our home. Remember when Job lost everything and his friends visited him and grieved with him? They were a comfort until they opened their mouths and decided that Job must have done something wrong to have experienced the tragedies he endured. Remember, Job was a righteous man beloved by God. Don’t hurt a person’s conscience and heart with this one.

Please do this…

Prayer, arms, listening ears, running errands, a homemade meal, or a personal gift can lift the hurting and give hope. Say validating things like: “This is really tough! You are going through a nightmare. What can I do to help you? Tell me more.” And listen. Be an Empathetic Witness. Ask our Father to open our hearts to see theirs. Jesus said many times, “What can I do for you?” Then he did it. We need to follow his way.

Musings

It’s so sad and destructive the trite sayings we trot out to those with agonizing losses. I’ve been guilty. We do this because we feel awkward or afraid we’re next. But Jesus showed us a much better way: Ask. Validate. Affirm your love. Companion. Love.

Prayer

Dear Father,

We are to weep with those who weep. We all will weep one day. We don’t want to be “Sunshine Christians” who only believe and give when it’s easy and nice. Help us to be “Sonshine Christians.”

With thanks, we go onward with your grace, transformation, love, and hope.

Amen.