Transformation and Testing

“Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.” Romans 12:2 ESV

“We don’t find our real selves by looking for it; we find it by looking for God.” David G. Benner

Real change is hard. Transformation is miraculous. Any change I have attempted without genuine, gut-level trust in God’s love has never stuck. In fact, I went backward. Even in profound grief. We may make changes through self-help and other support, but transformation is the real thing! A way of being. In fact, transformation doesn’t happen for me until I know how deeply loved I am. It starts there and is never fully accomplished. Here anyway.  Do I feel it? Sometimes in spectacular ways. Sometimes not at all.

Without seeking God and his love, I go back to toxic people, places and things. When I don’t feel loved (I’m one of those people who feel things deeply), seeking immediate relief is my Achilles’ heel. I envy practical, rational people!

I had a difficult phone call with one of my siblings yesterday. She wants me to come visit. I don’t want to. I started beating myself up with what if she gets sick, what if we never see each other again, what if I’m a selfish person (I am, aren’t we all?) But then I sat with these painful feelings and went to God. First, no judgment. None. Second, I was aware of my desire not to go. Third, understanding. My past visits were traumatic: dying parents, long eight-hour drives one way, trying to find people to check in on my terminally ill husband, and some emotionally devastating events, and accusations when I arrived.

There were kind moments. Fun moments. Lots of drinking moments. But I did not feel loved. I felt dismissed, hurt, and scared because I should have been with my ill husband, even though my parents were sick too. No blame. Everyone was doing the best they could. Yet, yesterday, I gave it to my Father. He reassures me. I know I’m deeply loved. I know that at the right time and with the right words and actions, all will be well. I may never visit. I may. In the meantime, I seek God as I would a wise counselor, placing all my trust in him. All of this will be transformed into his plan. I will be transformed.

Musings

Seeking God with no judgment, but rather with observation and awareness, is a transformative and genuine experience. He so deeply loves us that we can seek him without all the judgments, excuses, hiding, anxieties, and guilt that others and ourselves dump on our weary selves.

Awareness. Observation. Seeking Him. May we practice this in all situations. And it will take practice. But remember, we are deeply loved, no matter what.

Prayer

Father,

Thank you for so deeply loving us that our souls can be naked before you. There are no recriminations, punishments, judgments, agendas, manipulations, expectations, or threats—just awareness and acceptance with grace. We imperfect people truly desire your love and the transformation that comes with it. We seek you first in all things.

Amen.