Blind Spots and Button-Pushing

What is this about?

“And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh.” Ezekiel 36:26 ESV

“When pure sincerity forms within, it is outwardly realized in other people’s hearts.”-Lao Tzu

Difficult people! Tough situations! But no one has our number like our family, do they?

Who can shatter with one look? You know–that eye-brow lift that condemns?

Who can diminish with a not-so-well-meaning phrase? Example: “Are you losing weight? Celebrate, have a cookie.”

Who can share your most intimate experiences behind your back? Can you feel the shame or anger rise in you?

Aha! Family! The ones that are supposed to love us. The ones we’re supposed to love back. The ones that know our weaknesses even better than we do. And you know theirs.

What is this really about?

Coming from a very dysfunctional family is what it’s about. You did. Your siblings did. Your spouse did. Your best friend did. Your boss did. We all sin and fall short. Probably the trickiest to navigate is our family, which affects all other relationships. We learned, whether we were aware or not, how to adapt, limp, and shoot from the hip, especially we black sheep/scapegoat types. Survival! When we marry, we bring it into our marriages.

Then the biggie: Self-awareness without self-loathing. A lot of what we do that damages are the unconscious behaviors. We learn to sort through our unconscious behaviors and thoughts with a trusted friend, counselor, and the Father. He may remind us that our siblings came from the same dysfunctional family, but they experienced it and adapted differently than we did—they were in survival mode too. Then our Father reminds us of how precious and loved we are by Him so we can work on what is our responsibility. Then we open our hearts. We challenge the dysfunction, not the person. We set boundaries on what is acceptable and what is not, peacefully. The “Here, have a cookie” is met with “No, thank you.” The gossip is met with silence trusting the Father to handle the truth. Drama has left us. And we trust. We trust our Father. We gain patience. We gain peace. We let go. God reveals what a beautiful, “New Creation” we are. We live. We love. We are thankful for the lessons.

Musings

Almost every complaint, whine, and story shows what a righteous person I am compared to the other in my story. Then the question: “What is this really about?” brings me honesty. I remember the three questions when in doubt: Is this true? Is is helpful? Is it kind?

There’s my business and God’s business. The other is the Father’s business.  My business is to look inside, give grace, pray, and set boundaries. Seek help, if truly troublesome. My business is not to internalize and personalize actions and comments that come from a dysfunctional family, living or dead. If I’m to do more, God will gently open a way. What peace and freedom!

Prayer

Dear Father,

Thank you for our church families. Thank you for our Earthly families. Both are opportunities to grow in grace and love, looking to You to fill our neediness and dependency. You are readily available to show us how loved we are no matter the blind spots we have. Love is a discipline we are learning because You are Love and we are Your children. We want to be like You.

Amen.